don't know what I'm doing

[myname]

Argh, long story which I'll try to summarise as much as possible.

 

I've been seeing a MM for about a year and a half, and have tried to stop many times now, but never managed it properly. I always miss him terribly and he always contacts me and I end up feeling so grateful for the continued contact with him and it all carries on.

 

When it started I was also in a long term relationship but not married, my relationship wasn't bad, we were good friends, but there was a spark missing, and had been for a long time, I had tried to make it work, tried to convince myself that this was normal and as long as I never did anything wrong (ie cheating) then it was all ok, but I often had doubts, crushes on other men and felt depressed and like I was missing out.

 

These doubts increased as I was getting all the passion and excitement that seemed missing from seeing the MM and I ended up feeling I had to finish things with my current partner regardless of what happened with the MM, which I did as kindly and honestly as possible but it was still very hard.

 

Meanwhile my MM got found out by his wife numerous times, initially through a text message to me that she saw on his phone. She was very upset and chucked him out, but only for a couple of nights and he of course went back and said to me that he'd have to stop seeing me. Ok, I was upset, felt pretty bereft but knew I had to accept it. But he still wanted to see me, at first my response was no way but I was hurting and I allowed him to comfort me, so it continued.

 

Then about 9 months into the affair, he told her he'd still been seeing me and again left their home for another short period of time, and again went back although this time he said he wanted to still see me albeit secretively, and stupidly I carried on, cos I was by this time totally in love with him.

 

All over this summer he had been talking about leaving and making plans to be with me, but then she found a bus ticket from where he'd come over to visit me, and my hairs on his clothes and told him he had one last chance to make their marriage work and so he went on a weeks holiday with her. I was totally gutted.

 

Since then I have really tried to be strong and have no more contact with him, but I've failed miserably. Over the time I have come to rely on him for support and I get very lonely when I have no contact with him.

 

I know that because of all that's happenned and not happenned and the length of time that has passed that he has shown me over and over that he will never leave his wife. He tells me that it is because of money problems, the home they own together, his fears, her threats etc etc. They have no children. He says their marriage is broken but he just can't be brave enough to take the next step right now, he says they don't have sex.

 

Part of me thinks this is all bull****, he just wants to keep his marriage safe and have me on the side and I don't want that so I need to break it off, but then when I try, I feel such a loss and he says how he misses me too and sometimes I even start to think while I've no one else and I'm lonely and feel a need for him why not carry on seeing him.

 

I'm a mess, not sure if I'm asking for advice, or just somewhere to be able to discuss this that's relatively safe.

[Minnie09]

The longer you stay, the more obsessed you will become with this A.

I see a pattern here. They've had multiple DDays and she keeps taking him back.

Go NC until he's figured out what his intentions are as far as his W and you are concerned. When he's ready, he will contact you and you can discuss it.

If you don't act, nothing will change.

He for sure isn't going to change anything. He has had plenty of opportunities, but nothing substantial has happened. Doesn't look like he's a big decision-maker. And they don't even have kids!

Don't believe a word he tells you about his W and M (sex, emotional connection, intellect, yadayada), it's usually all BS, and I can guarantee you that he badmouths you to her as he badmouths her to you.

Good news is: It's all in your hands. You live your life. You design your own happiness.

Show him that!

[jthorne]

Hi and welcome.

 

From my perspective, what I'm reading is that you continue to go back to him for the support you feel he provides you.

 

So let me ask you this: surely you have access to other sources of support? You sought out Loveshack, and that's a start, but aren't there other things in your life that bring you joy?

 

If your instinct tells you that what he's saying is bullsh*t, then it probably is. I'm not saying that because I am anti-affair, or anti-OW, but MM bullsh*t is unfortunately, pretty common as you'll see if you read some more threads. What you know of their marriage is what he tells you.

 

Welcome, and I encourage you to read some more threads here. If you learn anything else, you will learn that you are not alone.

[myname]

thank you both.

 

Unfortunately what with the break up of my previous relationship and the amount of time I've spent emotionally invested in MM I do not have much of a seperate support network. I am spending a lot of time on my own, when not at work, and it is very lonely sometimes.

 

I am trying to contact old friends and do things for myself, I made myself go out to the theatre on my own last weekend, but it is slow progress and I often feel very alone and in those moments I think some contact with him is better than nothing at all.

 

I am well aware that I only hear what he tells me and that I have no idea what is going on in their marriage, apart from that it can't be that bad as they are both still hanging on in there.

 

Sometimes I know I need to be stronger and start looking after myself, sometimes I'm not certain how to look after myself, and sometimes I'm just so desperate for his comfort that I will take anything going.

[YellowShark]

Welcome to Loveshack myname. Your story has been posted here a thousand times by a thousand OW. It is what happens 95% of the time when you get into a relationship with a married man.

 

All I can tell you is contained in this wonderful cliche.

 

"Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

Since he keeps returning to his wife she is his priority, you are his option. I guess you have to decide what you want out of life, and that is the path you should follow.

 

Best of luck.

[jthorne]

Why his comfort specifically?

 

See, I look at it this way... what he tells you provides you with some amount of comfort when you are lonely. Being with him when you need comfort doesn't cost you much emotionally, it sort of pays you. Eventually, his words won't match his actions, and what you are seeing as comfort will cost you emotionally. At some point, the emotional cost of the affair will outweigh any comfort you get from it, but by then, you will be "addicted" to it, (for lack of a better word) or convinced that you can't do better. All the while, you will be passing up opportunities for healthy, legitimate relationships.

 

Since you are here, I'm sensing that you are already seeing that he's not healthy for you, but are having a hard time breaking that "addiction". You could treat it as a break-up, but it's harder because he is making himself available to you.

 

But he is not available. Looks like he never will be.

 

So you have to decide that you can get past the temporary lonliness and not contact him, and request that he not contact you.

 

There are resources here about initiating no contact, if that's what you choose to do. The main requirement is you wanting better for yourself and knowing that you deserve better.

[myname]

Thanks for being kind to me.

 

I think I know all you're saying but I'm really finding it hard to accept. It hurts so much to accept that I've been allowing myself to be used, that I'm not as important to him as he is to me. I don't want to have to admit the reality of the situation to myself cos it makes me feel very sad so I try to cling onto any small bit of hope he gives me.

[jthorne]

Thanks for being kind to me.

 

I think I know all you're saying but I'm really finding it hard to accept. It hurts so much to accept that I've been allowing myself to be used, that I'm not as important to him as he is to me. I don't want to have to admit the reality of the situation to myself cos it makes me feel very sad so I try to cling onto any small bit of hope he gives me.

And that's what he wants you to do, because it suits him. It doesn't suit you.

 

Of course, no one wants to admit that someone they care about doesn't feel the same way; it makes them feel devalued. But you are not devalued, you are just with the wrong person.

[Confused4Now]

I am trying to contact old friends and do things for myself, I made myself go out to the theater on my own last weekend, but it is slow progress and I often feel very alone and in those moments I think some contact with him is better than nothing at all.

 

I am well aware that I only hear what he tells me and that I have no idea what is going on in their marriage, apart from that it can't be that bad as they are both still hanging on in there.

In bold....I will say this, you will not be able to let him figure him out what he wants to do if you continue to stay in the picture. The longer you stay there the harder it is for both of you. BTDT. As he gets more comfortable with both of you in his life...he will continue tell you what you want to hear. As for it being BAD it can't be cause it's all he knows....

[myname]

thanks

 

I have tried to do no contact, but every time I break it, I'm finding it very hard to actually want to do no contact, in some ways I know I should, but because it's painful and dissapointing and not what I really want and because he still says he wants me I take the easy option of making myself feel better short term. I don't know how to force myself to do the no contact properly.

[YellowShark]

It hurts so much to accept that I've been allowing myself to be used, that I'm not as important to him as he is to me. I don't want to have to admit the reality of the situation to myself cos it makes me feel very sad so I try to cling onto any small bit of hope he gives me.

 

Generally in affairs the OW - you - are a simply a bandaid for his marriage. He uses you to get what he doesn't get from his wife. He stays with his wife because he's not going to commit 100% to you. Sadly you are now at the typical point in "the affair" where you and his wife are both in great pain as he flip flops back and forth.

 

You have to decide what is best for you. Just like his wife has to decide what is best for her. Meanwhile he will use you both emotionally - and sexually - until one of you takes a stand.

 

 

thanks

 

I have tried to do no contact, but every time I break it, I'm finding it very hard to actually want to do no contact, in some ways I know I should, but because it's painful and dissapointing and not what I really want and because he still says he wants me I take the easy option of making myself feel better short term. I don't know how to force myself to do the no contact properly.

 

He still wants you "as an option." Otherwise he would leave his wife once and for all and commit to you. Are you someone's option? Or are you a woman who deserves better than being his emotional bandaid and booty call?

 

It's up to you to decide.

Edited October 14, 2010 by YellowShark
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[myname]

oh, I feel dreadful, really sorry for myself.

 

Wish it hadn't turned out like this, I feel like such a fool, and now such a lonely fool.

 

Wish I could stop hoping that anything better could come of this, but right now I can't stop hoping, it's just so hard to accept that I have nothing from all this when I wanted so much.

[2sure]

Healing a broken heart. There simply is nothing but time and distance that can do it.

 

You have to focus on this:

 

and again went back although this time he said he wanted to still see me albeit secretively,

 

This guy has not pretended that he wanted anything more of you.

 

Real love is better than this. It is not so selfish or one sided.

You are lonely. Ive been there.

Address the lonely and your heart will take care of itself.

 

Now I'm NOT saying go out and meet someone else. Because you are not ready for that. You are not emotionally available...so right now you would not recognize Mr. Right if he came up and slapped you.

 

Sometimes...when we are lonely...its because we are not quite in touch with who we really are. For me, the journey and effort to really get to know ME and be happy with ME...led to me not only no longer feeling lonely, but also content with being alone, ...and THEN...I was not only emotionally available to meet someone but I was also ready. Really ready because I felt I had something to offer . Something good and special for someone also having something good and special enough to offer me.

[YellowShark]

oh, I feel dreadful, really sorry for myself.

 

Wish it hadn't turned out like this, I feel like such a fool, and now such a lonely fool.

 

Wish I could stop hoping that anything better could come of this, but right now I can't stop hoping, it's just so hard to accept that I have nothing from all this when I wanted so much.

 

 

What is happening now is what happens 9 times out of 10 when one has an affair with a married man. It is a reflection on him, not on you myname. This is why affairs with married men are such an emotional minefield. You need to draw a line in the sand and get real with him, it's either his wife or you, not both. (Because you can see now what happens when he gets to keep both women!)

 

Good luck.

[myname]

what did you do to recover? I'm facing another weekend on my own, and really struggling to get through it any other way than just feeling sad and crying and regretful, and then when he phones me I'll just be so grateful to hear from him it's pathetic.

[myname]

I feel like if I make any kind of stand as in it's me or her, then I have to be totally prepared and accepting that it won't be me he chooses, and right now I don't know how ready for that I am.

 

Part of me is hoping I can get myself more together and at least find myself some friends before I can deal with losing him completely.

 

This is rubbish isn't it?

[YellowShark]

I feel like if I make any kind of stand as in it's me or her, then I have to be totally prepared and accepting that it won't be me he chooses, and right now I don't know how ready for that I am.

 

Part of me is hoping I can get myself more together and at least find myself some friends before I can deal with losing him completely.

 

This is rubbish isn't it?

 

what did you do to recover? I'm facing another weekend on my own, and really struggling to get through it any other way than just feeling sad and crying and regretful, and then when he phones me I'll just be so grateful to hear from him it's pathetic.

 

If you want to recover you need to stand up for yourself and stop being dependant on a man that sees you only as an option. You need to reclaim your dignity and self-worth. If he refuses to commit to you 100% then you need to walk away with your head held high and go No Contact.

 

No Contact is for you to heal, and every time you break no contact then you are simply reopening the old wound... and you will never heal.

 

If he leaves his wife, gets a divorce, and finds his own place, then you can decide to break no contact if that is something you want to do. Those are the milestones he should have to meet to have you emotionally and physically!

[2sure]

He has TOLD you and SHOWN you what he wants.

At some point you are going to have to believe him.

[myname]

how should I go about doing no contact then? I've tried before, and always end up going back on it.

 

I know it should be simple just don't contact him or respond to his contact, but any advice or other people's experiences would be welcome now cos I've not been able to manage to do this properly so far.

[2sure]

Best thing you can do to reconcile yourself that he is gone and to create distance AND to stop this emotional roller coaster (even if it means staying at the bottom for awhile) is :

 

CHANGE YOUR #S AND YOUR EMAIL.

[myname]

he has my work phone number and work email, I won't be able to change them easily and also he'd be able to find them out again even if I did change them.

 

i think there's a chance that if I could find a way to say to him that he has to leave me alone now he might respect that but so far I can't bring myself to do it because I'm struggling to accept that I can't have something from him and that I'll be better of in the long run this way.

[2sure]

Myname...you know what? You are hurting yourself. You are doing this to yourself and you have to stop. Have the conversation with him. Burn the Bridge so that you prevent yourself from recrossing it. Its the hardest thing and the best thing.

[myname]

thank you for being so kind to me

 

I am coming to accept what I have to do but it is so hard. Everytime I've tried to have the conversation before I've got upset and sometimes angry and he's always talked me round. How can I say it so I don't go back on it?

[UntoldStory]

Myname, I'm going through this myself, and there is no denying NC is very, very hard. But it is a healthier pain for you than the pain of continuing in a relationship where you are getting no more than half of what you absolutely deserve.

 

I really recommend you try individual counselling - it could be super-helpful to you right now. ASAP.

[myname]

how did you initiate no contact, did you have a final conversation and explain? Or did you just stop replying to him or picking up his calls?

 

I'm finding it very hard to let go like I know I need to. I feel as though I still want to be kind to him, so just not getting in touch doesn't feel right, but then whenever I've told him it's got to stop I've lost my nerve.