don't know what I'm doing

[jennie-jennie]

That's where I was. I went NC. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done because I wasn't ready. I used those 6/7 weeks to work on myself. Then I broke NC (the initial contact was accidental, but I needn't have followed it up), and continued to work through how I felt, and lots of other stuff. I was not READY to call it a day. Not in the circumstances, not with him still saying he loved me and wanted to be with me. I got myself to a place where I felt I would be fine and dandy (and then some) if he DID leave her, and fine and dandy (after initial heartbreak!!) if he didn't.

 

That's where I am now. If he suddenly runs back to her I'll be angry as hell and I'll move on. Previously, when we went NC I wasn't really angry, I was confused, spaced out, anxious, upset, trying to work out what had happened etc etc. I would deal differently now. And I'm happy with where I'm at. I was not ready to break ties, even though some fantastic well-meaning people here were 100% sure it was the right thing for me. It was ME who wasn't 100% sure, and that's why it didn't work out.

 

You know YOU. You know you need to protect yourself, and be wary, but if you know you are not ready to draw a line under it (but that one day you will be) then go with your instinct. You have to live the rest of your life after this. I knew I'd always regret not trying harder if i walked away. If I have to walk away now, I know I won't regret anything. Good luck

 

Great post, SG!

 

I am curious now. Would you say that posting on LS made you go NC prematurely? When you weren't ready? Had you gone NC if you hadn't been posting on LS?

[Silly_Girl]

Great post, SG!

 

I am curious now. Would you say that posting on LS made you go NC prematurely? When you weren't ready? Had you gone NC if you hadn't been posting on LS?

 

I wouldn't have got myself up in such a frenzy I think. I probably would have been equally upset but I had this sort of indignant 'he should not do this to me!!!' aspect, which isn't naturally so much a part of me. I see now that I quite possibly could have been looking at a very different scenario over the last few months, had I kept my cool.

 

I know that wouldn't have worked for most on here, but for me, I should have played the long game, for ME, for my sake.

[jennie-jennie]

I wouldn't have got myself up in such a frenzy I think. I probably would have been equally upset but I had this sort of indignant 'he should not do this to me!!!' aspect, which isn't naturally so much a part of me. I see now that I quite possibly could have been looking at a very different scenario over the last few months, had I kept my cool.

 

I know that wouldn't have worked for most on here, but for me, I should have played the long game, for ME, for my sake.

 

I know the biggest question for me when I came to LS was "Do they ever leave?" but I was so drowned in NC responses that I started to consider NC. My MM was away on a trip at the time, and when he returned home he met a much more suspicious OW.

 

Today, a year later, I would say I am a much more knowledgeable OW. I know what I am dealing with.

Edited October 19, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

I wouldn't have got myself up in such a frenzy I think. I probably would have been equally upset but I had this sort of indignant 'he should not do this to me!!!' aspect, which isn't naturally so much a part of me. I see now that I quite possibly could have been looking at a very different scenario over the last few months, had I kept my cool.

 

I know that wouldn't have worked for most on here, but for me, I should have played the long game, for ME, for my sake.

 

The bolded is one of the views that in my opinion is fueled here on LS. Looking at the extramarital relationship like that only magnifies the hurt experienced.

 

You are dealing with a conflicted, confused MM. He is not out to get you. The question is do you want to be involved with this man or not, are the benefits greater than the consequences for you or not, this should be your focus not fueling feeling personally offended.

 

Dealing with an extramarital relationship is difficult enough in itself without taking everything that is happening as being personally offensive.

Edited October 19, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jthorne]

I know that because of all that's happenned and not happenned and the length of time that has passed that he has shown me over and over that he will never leave his wife.

So there ya go.

 

Either be happy being the OW and a third party to someone else's marriage, or get on with doing something else.

[Silly_Girl]

The bolded is one of the views that in my opinion is fueled here on LS. Looking at the extramarital relationship like that only magnifies the hurt experienced.

 

You are dealing with a conflicted, confused MM. He is not out to get you. The question is do you want to be involved with this man or not, are the benefits greater than the consequences for you or not, this should be your focus not fueling feeling personally offended.

 

Dealing with an extramarital relationship is difficult enough in itself without taking everything that is happening as being personally offensive.

 

I have the benefit of hindsight. We have sat and laughed together about how we each reacted without one another, what our days were like, how we saw the future without one another, and how much we hated the concept, but kept on keeping on. It was not a vicious thing, his uncertainty, you're right. It wasn't personal. As you say Jennie, not personally offensive at all.

 

Even up to a week before moving out he was saying 'I can't do this!', but WAS doing it. He was like a rabbit in headlights. Small things made him sway back and forth - although he has always said the pendulum never swayed out of my half, so to speak, but on tired, tense, guilt-ridden days it could go from 100% certain, no doubt, eager to get on and do this, to almost 50-50, and the latter were his very most hardest days.

 

 

I have a good friend who left her husband for someone else. Has since moved in with the new guy. She confessed to me at the weekend that happy though she is, she STILL isn't 100% sure she did the right thing, she thinks she may never know. She took 8 months to leave her husband. The doubts and fears and hesitance on her part were never because she didn't care for the new man. It was the kids thing, starting over, money, what family would say, letting her husband down, and lots more.

[myname]

The bolded is one of the views that in my opinion is fueled here on LS. Looking at the extramarital relationship like that only magnifies the hurt experienced.

 

You are dealing with a conflicted, confused MM. He is not out to get you. The question is do you want to be involved with this man or not, are the benefits greater than the consequences for you or not, this should be your focus not fueling feeling personally offended.

 

Dealing with an extramarital relationship is difficult enough in itself without taking everything that is happening as being personally offensive.

 

That's a really good point. I'm not saying posters who are advocating no contact or sharing their experiences that went that way are trying to make others feel offended but reading some of those posts can bring up those feelings of 'I can't believe a word he says', 'he's just stringing me along', 'how dare he treat me this way' and 'how can I let myself be treated like this'.

 

It's not always that black and white. And I know, because when I started my affair I was still with my long term partner, that leaving and working out what you're doing and what you want to do is not easy, simple or necessarily fast. My MM has been totally supportive of me through all that, he never put the pressure on or gave me a hard time about it, he did ask questions about what I wanted, just like I ask him questions too. But he never just said I'm not going to have anything to do with you unless you leave now, even when there was a short time when he had left and was staying in a hotel on his own, while I was sitting at home arguing with my partner, or the time I got chucked out and stayed with him two nights and then went back home.

[Dexter Morgan]

Jennie has a point.

 

Of course hearing over and over again that whatever he says is bull****, he's playing you, you're on a high now, he's a lying cheating ******* makes you question whether you're just being a fool to believe anything he says, you're being manipulated, you don't know you're own mind etc.

 

Of course that's not to say these might not be the case!

 

they are the case. even if they weren't, there is another reason to get out of this crappy situation.....how would you like to be on the receiving end of what this MM and you are doing to the wife?

 

if you don't believe the MM is a lying jackass, then what would justify in your mind the hurting you are helping to cause of another woman?

[myname]

they are the case. even if they weren't, there is another reason to get out of this crappy situation.....how would you like to be on the receiving end of what this MM and you are doing to the wife?

 

if you don't believe the MM is a lying jackass, then what would justify in your mind the hurting you are helping to cause of another woman?

 

No there's no justification for causing pain to anyone woman or man, but that is presuming that it is only my presence in his life that causes her pain. Maybe I am being defensive and trying to wriggle out of my responsibility here.

[jthorne]

they are the case. even if they weren't, there is another reason to get out of this crappy situation.....how would you like to be on the receiving end of what this MM and you are doing to the wife?

 

if you don't believe the MM is a lying jackass, then what would justify in your mind the hurting you are helping to cause of another woman?

Ya know, Dexter, I was going to spend some time (that I really don't have) writing out a whole post, based upon what she has posted about her MM, about the ethical and practical reasons she is wasting her time and her heart. But it's obvious to me that she is still hung up in the "high" of the snippets of whatever she gets from him, so I won't bother. I imagine at this point, the OP thinks that from what the MM has told her about the wife, that she deserves whatever she gets.

 

From what she has posted about her A, it doesn't look to be any different than 99.9% of them out there. But as we also know, OW hang on to the hope that their's is the one that is different. They have to find out for themselves that it's not.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Some MM are trustworthy

 

a trustworthy cheater and liar........ok:lmao:

[Dexter Morgan]

No there's no justification for causing pain to anyone woman or man, but that is presuming that it is only my presence in his life that causes her pain. Maybe I am being defensive and trying to wriggle out of my responsibility here.

 

well this relationship isn't good for you on all sides of it.

 

you are hung up on a cheating, lying AH, and you are a party to helping betray and hurt someone else.

 

you need to get away from this so-called "man".

[myname]

ok, I'm feeling defensive now, maybe it is cos I'm on a high from seeing him recently, cos I don't want to see the truth of the situation, cos I want to believe it's going to be different for me.

 

I don't know, only time will tell.

 

I don't want to be defensive on these boards cos I think you've all been very supportive and I really appreciate the honesty and being able to talk about it all.

 

I know for now that forcing myself to cut off contact with him is too difficult for me, I'm sorry I can't do it right now. I know I may have to at some point.

[woinlove]

I have a good friend who left her husband for someone else. Has since moved in with the new guy. She confessed to me at the weekend that happy though she is, she STILL isn't 100% sure she did the right thing, she thinks she may never know. She took 8 months to leave her husband. The doubts and fears and hesitance on her part were never because she didn't care for the new man. It was the kids thing, starting over, money, what family would say, letting her husband down, and lots more.

 

I'm impressed that your friend can be that honest with herself and with you. I imagine the tendency to squelch any doubts and convince oneself otherwise is extremely high at a time when one still feels the effects of letting one's spouse and family down. She has the opportunity through her actions and decisions to make sure she is happier, say in 10 years, than she could have imagined being in her earlier M - then any doubts should disappear.

 

Even if one is eventually let down by his/her new partner, one can choose to become the person one always wanted to be but wasn't in the earlier M.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm impressed that your friend can be that honest with herself and with you. I imagine the tendency to squelch any doubts and convince oneself otherwise is extremely high at a time when one still feels the effects of letting one's spouse and family down. She has the opportunity through her actions and decisions to make sure she is happier, say in 10 years, than she could have imagined being in her earlier M - then any doubts should disappear.

 

Even if one is eventually let down by his/her new partner, one can choose to become the person one always wanted to be but wasn't in the earlier M.

 

I know, she is really like that. But with her closest friends only. She wouldn't say to her ex or her acquaintances that she was still feeling her way.

[Silly_Girl]

Even if one is eventually let down by his/her new partner, one can choose to become the person one always wanted to be but wasn't in the earlier M.

 

She is almost an entirely different person in this R than her M. VERY much more tolerant, relaxed, understanding.

 

I was the same moving from my M to a new R, too much so. Far too tolerant.

[on a learning curve]

I am sorry you feel this way, OALC. If that is true, I would understand why you would not want to stay in your relationship.

 

My relationship is built on love and honesty. Not on doubt. So I choose to stay.

 

OW, trust the bond, trust the love between you!

 

Thank you, Jennie. I should have clarified that I was referring to my relationship only, and not all EMA's.

 

I guess it is because my A began differently than many here, that I feel the relationship was built on doubt (I won't get into that here, as this is mynames' thread). I will say that it began on a purely physical level and the emotional bond came later.

 

I know that my MM has genuine affection for me, however, I doubt his declarations of "I am in love with you". He says this often, and it is usually when he feels me pulling away from him a bit. I care very deeply for him, and for the time being I have chosen to remain in the relationship.

 

However, I am not staying because I inherently trust him. We had a D-day 9 months into the A and at the time, I ended it completely. He contacted me 2 days later to ask how I was doing, and asked me to please not hate him (he wanted me to assuage his guilt). Of course I missed him, and didn't hate him - the A continued.

 

Knowing that his W asked him to "let me go", and I can only assume he told her that he did - the fact that he chose to contact me 2 days after, and attempt to resume the A shows me that he is a liar. I love him, but for me, it's a contradiction to TRUST him completely. Does that make sense?

 

Sorry, myname. I think I did threadjack.

[Star_Bright]

Myname,

 

My opinion on your story based on having read your posts is this. You want more from your MM and he has continually hurt you by making you second best and going back to his wife. Yet you are allowing it, you are settling for it, because you love him. I can understand that but there's a whole world out there with other men to love. It's ridiculous to think that you can ONLY love this one man who doesn't love you the right way. I don't buy into that at all. I KNOW it feels like that now but really you deserve better, but you can't find it because you are so stuck on this MM.

 

I think you will just have to go through this until you are hurt again by him and then maybe, hopefully, you will have had enough and you will be strong enough to leave him in the dust and head towards your future. (I'm not saying I want you to get hurt! I'm saying that for me, anyway, getting hurt again was the only thing that showed me that I had to wise up and put a stop to this.) Am I biased because I've BTDT and this is what I did? Sure. I see the old me in your posts and it reminds me of my past hurts. If you were here saying you're happy being the OW then I would say, good for you. But you're not saying that, you started your thread hurting but now you're forgetting about that hurt because MM called you to meet up for a drink? I hope you will stop basing your happiness on him. If you can get some distance and accept being an OW then good, because that will help you feel happier. But I don't get that you are happy being the OW at all! I get that you want more and why should you settle for less than you want? Why?

 

And, sure, I am one that came here and was greeted by shouts of NC and I tried it and it was hard and I failed a few times but you know what, NC was for the best for me. Everyone was right with what they were saying. I personally am not telling you to go NC because I hate OWs or something. I'm telling you because this rollercoaster ride will not stop until you jump off, and NC = jumping off. (And yes the fall will hurt but only then can you pick yourself up and go on with your life being in full control instead of letting it revolve around MM.)

 

Usually from what I see around here and for myself NC really is the best advice if you are not happy being the OW (as I wasn't). You just have to be strong enough to just do it, Nike-style. You have to love yourself more than MM because right now you are basing your emotions on him and that isn't good. It will go on like this forever if you let it. Good luck.

 

PS I'm trying to give you tough love but if it's too much to handle just tell me to go away. I know it can be hard to hear and if I said anything offensive I apologize, I just really relate to the pain you are going through and I'm trying to help, that's it I swear!

[fooled once]

I nor other posters here have enough power to make someone make a choice. Everyone knows the choice to stay in or get out is THEIR choice, it's not mine or yours. They can take what they get here or leave it.....posters are smart enough to know this.

 

BB - you had many, many excellent posts on this thread and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I especially agree with the above.

 

If people think this website is so full of mind warping, no one is telling you to stay. No one is making you come here, day after day and read posts. I find it incredulous that only 1 opinion is what matters here -- the opinion of OW should just trust the MM and stay in relationships where they are hurting and NOT wanting to be the OW. That is such a warped opinion and just because one person does something doesn't mean all OW should stay and be the OW for years and years and years. To encourage that is unhealthy and downright cruel. Too often the posters who seek out LS are at their wits end with the waiting, the secrecy, the sneaking around. They want MORE. And damnit, they deserve more. NO person should sit and wait for a text, a phone call, a quickie. No person should be told "don't contact me on weekends or after 5 pm weekdays".

 

No person should ever be minimized or dismissed by their partner. No persons should allow themselves to be minimized or dismissed by their partner.

[jennie-jennie]

Thank you, Jennie. I should have clarified that I was referring to my relationship only, and not all EMA's.

 

I guess it is because my A began differently than many here, that I feel the relationship was built on doubt (I won't get into that here, as this is mynames' thread). I will say that it began on a purely physical level and the emotional bond came later.

 

I know that my MM has genuine affection for me, however, I doubt his declarations of "I am in love with you". He says this often, and it is usually when he feels me pulling away from him a bit. I care very deeply for him, and for the time being I have chosen to remain in the relationship.

 

However, I am not staying because I inherently trust him. We had a D-day 9 months into the A and at the time, I ended it completely. He contacted me 2 days later to ask how I was doing, and asked me to please not hate him (he wanted me to assuage his guilt). Of course I missed him, and didn't hate him - the A continued.

Knowing that his W asked him to "let me go", and I can only assume he told her that he did - the fact that he chose to contact me 2 days after, and attempt to resume the A shows me that he is a liar. I love him, but for me, it's a contradiction to TRUST him completely. Does that make sense?

 

Sorry, myname. I think I did threadjack.

 

MM lie to their wives. They have to otherwise they would not be able to continue with the marriage and the extramarital relationship parallel to each other.

 

Did your MM lie to you?

[Carrot2000]

MM lie to their wives. They have to otherwise they would not be able to continue with the marriage and the extramarital relationship parallel to each other.

 

Why live a lie? Wouldn't it be easier--and less cruel--to end the marriage and free the BS so they, too, can find a satisfying relationship?

[on a learning curve]

MM lie to their wives. They have to otherwise they would not be able to continue with the marriage and the extramarital relationship parallel to each other.

 

Did your MM lie to you?

 

Well Jennie, he has not lied to me in any capacity, that I am aware of. He has not made any promises to me, nor have I held any expectations.

 

Point well taken.

[myname]

Myname,

 

My opinion on your story based on having read your posts is this. You want more from your MM and he has continually hurt you by making you second best and going back to his wife. Yet you are allowing it, you are settling for it, because you love him. I can understand that but there's a whole world out there with other men to love. It's ridiculous to think that you can ONLY love this one man who doesn't love you the right way. I don't buy into that at all. I KNOW it feels like that now but really you deserve better, but you can't find it because you are so stuck on this MM.

 

I think you will just have to go through this until you are hurt again by him and then maybe, hopefully, you will have had enough and you will be strong enough to leave him in the dust and head towards your future. (I'm not saying I want you to get hurt! I'm saying that for me, anyway, getting hurt again was the only thing that showed me that I had to wise up and put a stop to this.) Am I biased because I've BTDT and this is what I did? Sure. I see the old me in your posts and it reminds me of my past hurts. If you were here saying you're happy being the OW then I would say, good for you. But you're not saying that, you started your thread hurting but now you're forgetting about that hurt because MM called you to meet up for a drink? I hope you will stop basing your happiness on him. If you can get some distance and accept being an OW then good, because that will help you feel happier. But I don't get that you are happy being the OW at all! I get that you want more and why should you settle for less than you want? Why?

 

And, sure, I am one that came here and was greeted by shouts of NC and I tried it and it was hard and I failed a few times but you know what, NC was for the best for me. Everyone was right with what they were saying. I personally am not telling you to go NC because I hate OWs or something. I'm telling you because this rollercoaster ride will not stop until you jump off, and NC = jumping off. (And yes the fall will hurt but only then can you pick yourself up and go on with your life being in full control instead of letting it revolve around MM.)

 

Usually from what I see around here and for myself NC really is the best advice if you are not happy being the OW (as I wasn't). You just have to be strong enough to just do it, Nike-style. You have to love yourself more than MM because right now you are basing your emotions on him and that isn't good. It will go on like this forever if you let it. Good luck.

 

PS I'm trying to give you tough love but if it's too much to handle just tell me to go away. I know it can be hard to hear and if I said anything offensive I apologize, I just really relate to the pain you are going through and I'm trying to help, that's it I swear!

 

you've not been at all offensive, I do think you've said some helpful and understanding stuff, I'm not ready for the no contact yet, it may take me some more disappointments to get there. At the very least I know that there is that option for me to move on when I'm ready and I don't feel as desperately caught up in the misery I was in when I first started this thread.

[Star_Bright]

you've not been at all offensive, I do think you've said some helpful and understanding stuff, I'm not ready for the no contact yet, it may take me some more disappointments to get there. At the very least I know that there is that option for me to move on when I'm ready and I don't feel as desperately caught up in the misery I was in when I first started this thread.

 

Okay, I understand and I wish you well. I just want you to be happy. I think when you do go NC you will feel a sense of freedom and happiness to only focus on yourself and not MM. That's what I wish for you! Good luck.