don't know what I'm doing

[2sure]

myname...I am learning myself more and more that in life, especially for OURSELVES...the right and best thing to do is almost always the hard thing. No getting around it. Doing the best things for others is easy.

 

Good news is...in the long run you will not only thank yourself but also appreciate the positive things in your life that resulted from doing this hard stuff.

 

If I could hold your hand through this, I would.

But it doesnt matter really...because this kind of thing, this is something you have to do for yourself.

 

All I have to offer is hindsight...but I'm telling you - this time I am positive I am giving good advice. From the heart.

[myname]

2sure I think you are right in all you say, especially that the important things we need to do for ourselves are the hardest.

 

thank you, I am not going to pick up my phone today and will try to accept the reality of the situation and pysche myself up to do what I need.

 

I think I will want to kindly explain to him what I am doing and ask him to respect my decision.

[UntoldStory]

I think I will want to kindly explain to him what I am doing and ask him to respect my decision.

 

That's one way to do it. But it's your right to do it however you want, eg simply stop replying, delete him from your phone and email contacts and myspace, fb, etc. It's your life and as much as you feel for him, he's thinking about his own needs and not yours. You have to take care of you. It's been said a million times on here, but it's true -- if he really loves you, he will get a D and he will come find you. If not, you are better off without him.

[sc58]

myname, reading your posts feels like I am reading my own story. I feel EXACTLY the same way and am in the exact same situation. I met my MM when I was in a long term relationship, but was unhappy and knew for sometime that I needed to get out. Meeting my MM made me realize what I was missing from my relationship and gave me the courage to do so. My MM went back to his W, but wants to keep seeing me while he "attempts" to work on his marriage (although she does not know about us). Like you, I have tried the no contact thing, which failed miserably and often thought to myself that any time with him is better than none at all.

 

I tell myself to get mad at him, get really pissed off, and WAKE UP and open my eyes to the reality of the situation, but it's so hard to do. Because if I do, that means I have to accept that I was not everything to him, I was not "the one" as he said, I was not special, he did not love me that much, and while I gave him all of me, gave him my heart, my time, my LIFE, he was not willing to give that to me. I would have to accept that this past year was just a lie and I was being used, which would make me feel even more worthless, pathetic, and undeserving.

 

So I just cling on to this hope that he's being honest with me, that he does feel that way about me, that I AM worth it to him, that I wasn't just some piece of ass on the side...I can't seem to let go of all of our plans and hopes and dreams about our future together. But you know what, if I (and you) keep holding on to that hope because facing reality would be too hard, then this is going to be our life. Imagine your life in 5-10 years from now. Is this where you want to be? I know for myself that it sure as hell is NOT where I want to be.

 

Sometimes I think he's the only one that will make me feel the way he does (no one else ever has) and the thought of losing him is too much to bear. But at the same time, I doubt there will be anyone who will cause me this much pain. Although the next guy I meet may not make me as happy and I don't feel that "spark," it's probably a lot better than this heartache we are both suffering now....

 

I think I will also try the No Contact thing again (at the moment we still see each other everyday), and maybe we can help each other get through this. I was also the one that always initiated contact again, and felt better just hearing his voice and hearing him say he loves me. We just somehow have to find the courage within ourselves to end it and actually BELIEVE that this was the best thing for us. The problem is, I keep wondering if it was the right thing, that maybe if I stay we'll end up together. But if I keep telling myself that leaving him IS the right thing, then maybe it will get easier. I don't know, guess we'll see. Keep me updated!

[Fieldsofgold]

I know that LS has a guide to NC, because I see people post it all the time. Can someone post the link here?

[silverplanets]

I think NC is both one of the simplest and one of the hardest things at the same time.

 

It is simple because all it requires is for you to literally do nothing .... ignore everything they do .... never reply to anything ... never, ever, ever get hooked back in ... no matter how emotional the hook they throw.

 

It is hard because to do it and know it is absolutely the right thing to do means that you have to come to a full and utter acceptance that someone you love utterly must not be given any control over any aspect of your life because they don't treat it with any value.

 

It is harder still if you have given a lot of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally to someone/or some situation which has ended up draining you of a lot of your energy ... you literally feel like you have nothing left within.

 

What I can say is that if you do choose to go NC then whilst it is hard (especially through the cold-turkey phase) things do get better .. for me there were big healings at 3, 6, 12 and now again at 18 months ..

 

I thought I was doing great at 6 (and I was!) but at 18 I am so distant from the whole thing .. and not only have I replaced all that was sucked away but now (as I have not got involved with any new drama from anyone else) I am still replacing/adding energy and building up a real positive surplus.

 

SO, all I am saying, is that there is life after these people/situations .. and if that's the route one chooses to take then never, ever, ever give up on yourself.

 

be safe

Chris

[Fieldsofgold]

. . . Part of me is hoping I can get myself more together and at least find myself some friends before I can deal with losing him completely.

 

This is rubbish isn't it?

 

What I am hearing you say is that you have a real emptiness and loneliness when he is not in your life, and you need something to fill that void. That would help you wih the NC.

 

Here is what I have done when I have felt lonely, or depressed, or my life was feeling empty or meaningless. First, read and post here a lot. Get involved in other's threads, and try to help them.

 

But you need to do more than that.

 

Years ago, at 33 y/o and a single parent, I developed a medical problem and received a rather dire diagnosis of permanent disability. I became severely depressed about it. My violently abusive H had left me for another woman, I had no family, and friends didn't seem to understand, so I really had no support system. In desperation I had to do something, so I volunteered at the local children's hospital. It was just what the doctor (should have) ordered. I had something really worthwhile and meaningful to fill my time. I began to realize how fortunate I actually was - there were people whose problems made mine look insignificant. I was not going to die, and my child was healthy. I was able to share their victories and provide them with a bit of comfort in their darkest times. And I met other volunteers and employees, many of them compassionate people who became good friends.

 

When my brother died, I needed to reach out again. I got a part-time job in a small grocery store. I had lots of people contact, and got to help elderly people with their shopping. Again, I felt useful, helpful, made friends, and was not just focused on my heartache.

 

I have also volunteered at an animal shelter, a battered women's shelter, the Red Cross, a civil rights group, I have volunteered at a daycare for underpriviledged children, worked for a youth suicide prevention org, taught piano lessons to underpriviledged children, been a tutor in an adult literacy program, and now I work with troubled teens. I was even a volunteer fireman once! Once, I worked for free at a greenhouse, because I love plants.

 

There is nothin like findig something that is an area of interest to you, and volunteering. The change of scenery, the new people, and being helpful, will make you feel better the first day!

 

You can imagine how good I feel when I now meet someone I had helped, and they are thriving!

 

My life has been full, meaningful, an adventure of sorts, and I have made a ton of friends along the way.

 

I know this sounds like an ad for The Governor's Council on Volunteerism! LOL! But really, there is nothing like volunteering to take your mind off your troubles, make you feel good and useful, put you in contact with new friends, and make your life feel full and meaningful.

 

(Oh, and the dire diagnosis of disability never happened!)

 

I hope I have said something here that you will find helpful.

 

I wish you strength in your resolve, and meaningful things to fill your days! (((((((((((hug)))))))))

Edited October 14, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[fooled once]

Argh, long story which I'll try to summarise as much as possible.

 

I've been seeing a MM for about a year and a half, and have tried to stop many times now, but never managed it properly. I always miss him terribly and he always contacts me and I end up feeling so grateful for the continued contact with him and it all carries on.

 

When it started I was also in a long term relationship but not married, my relationship wasn't bad, we were good friends, but there was a spark missing, and had been for a long time, I had tried to make it work, tried to convince myself that this was normal and as long as I never did anything wrong (ie cheating) then it was all ok, but I often had doubts, crushes on other men and felt depressed and like I was missing out.

 

These doubts increased as I was getting all the passion and excitement that seemed missing from seeing the MM and I ended up feeling I had to finish things with my current partner regardless of what happened with the MM, which I did as kindly and honestly as possible but it was still very hard.

 

Meanwhile my MM got found out by his wife numerous times, initially through a text message to me that she saw on his phone. She was very upset and chucked him out, but only for a couple of nights and he of course went back and said to me that he'd have to stop seeing me. Ok, I was upset, felt pretty bereft but knew I had to accept it. But he still wanted to see me, at first my response was no way but I was hurting and I allowed him to comfort me, so it continued.

 

Then about 9 months into the affair, he told her he'd still been seeing me and again left their home for another short period of time, and again went back although this time he said he wanted to still see me albeit secretively, and stupidly I carried on, cos I was by this time totally in love with him.

 

All over this summer he had been talking about leaving and making plans to be with me, but then she found a bus ticket from where he'd come over to visit me, and my hairs on his clothes and told him he had one last chance to make their marriage work and so he went on a weeks holiday with her. I was totally gutted.

 

Since then I have really tried to be strong and have no more contact with him, but I've failed miserably. Over the time I have come to rely on him for support and I get very lonely when I have no contact with him.

 

I know that because of all that's happenned and not happenned and the length of time that has passed that he has shown me over and over that he will never leave his wife. He tells me that it is because of money problems, the home they own together, his fears, her threats etc etc. They have no children. He says their marriage is broken but he just can't be brave enough to take the next step right now, he says they don't have sex.

 

Part of me thinks this is all bull****, he just wants to keep his marriage safe and have me on the side and I don't want that so I need to break it off, but then when I try, I feel such a loss and he says how he misses me too and sometimes I even start to think while I've no one else and I'm lonely and feel a need for him why not carry on seeing him.

 

I'm a mess, not sure if I'm asking for advice, or just somewhere to be able to discuss this that's relatively safe.

 

Hmm... he continues to go back to his wife. His ACTIONS show you that he wants to stay married. He has had many many opportunities to NOT be married, especially since they have no children. He doesn't even have that excuse as to why he isn't leaving.

 

thank you both.

 

Unfortunately what with the break up of my previous relationship and the amount of time I've spent emotionally invested in MM I do not have much of a seperate support network. I am spending a lot of time on my own, when not at work, and it is very lonely sometimes.

 

I am trying to contact old friends and do things for myself, I made myself go out to the theatre on my own last weekend, but it is slow progress and I often feel very alone and in those moments I think some contact with him is better than nothing at all.

 

I am well aware that I only hear what he tells me and that I have no idea what is going on in their marriage, apart from that it can't be that bad as they are both still hanging on in there.

 

Sometimes I know I need to be stronger and start looking after myself, sometimes I'm not certain how to look after myself, and sometimes I'm just so desperate for his comfort that I will take anything going.

 

So help me out -- you talk about not wanting to be alone and being lonely --- well, when he is with his wife, you are alone. When he is on holiday with his wife, you are alone. You are getting tidbits of his time, so for the most part, you are still alone.

 

But you keep yourself company with your thoughts of him; not of him actually being there.

 

How is he comforting you? With words? Telling you what you want to hear? He is living with his wife. He continues to stay with his wife. He continues to CHOOSE his wife over you. So explain to me how he comforts you?

 

Thanks for being kind to me.

 

I think I know all you're saying but I'm really finding it hard to accept. It hurts so much to accept that I've been allowing myself to be used, that I'm not as important to him as he is to me. I don't want to have to admit the reality of the situation to myself cos it makes me feel very sad so I try to cling onto any small bit of hope he gives me.

 

You said something on another post, which I didn't quote, saying "do I tell him I am not going to contact him again"? Isn't that kinda silly? "Hi MM, I am just calling you to tell you not to contact me again". To me, UNLESS you truly are ready and you TRULY mean it, that is a game. It is a game of "chase me". Even if he said "don't do that"; how does that change ANYTHING? He is still married. He is still staying married. He is still choosing his wife. Why do you have to tell him "don't contact me". Is it because it will allow you to contact him again, and give him another chance to 'pick you'?

 

If you aren't going to follow through, then don't do "no contact". I personally don't understand when people say "I can't not talk to him" or "I can't help myself". I don't understand why you want to further hurt yourself emotionally by taking any crumb you can get from him. You are the one hurting, not him. He has a wife at home. He can tell you he is not having sex, but is that anymore truthful than his words of not wanting to be married anymore? Is it true when he says he is unhappy at home; but stays married? Is it true that he says he hasn't had sex with his wife in 6 months, yet stays married to her?

 

I hope you can find the strength to move on with your life, because I do not see this working out for you and him down the road. I see more heartache for you and I believe the longer you allow yourself to misled by this man, the worse you are going to hurt.

[on a learning curve]

I think NC is both one of the simplest and one of the hardest things at the same time.

 

It is simple because all it requires is for you to literally do nothing .... ignore everything they do .... never reply to anything ... never, ever, ever get hooked back in ... no matter how emotional the hook they throw.

 

It is hard because to do it and know it is absolutely the right thing to do means that you have to come to a full and utter acceptance that someone you love utterly must not be given any control over any aspect of your life because they don't treat it with any value.

 

It is harder still if you have given a lot of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally to someone/or some situation which has ended up draining you of a lot of your energy ... you literally feel like you have nothing left within.

 

What I can say is that if you do choose to go NC then whilst it is hard (especially through the cold-turkey phase) things do get better .. for me there were big healings at 3, 6, 12 and now again at 18 months ..

 

I thought I was doing great at 6 (and I was!) but at 18 I am so distant from the whole thing .. and not only have I replaced all that was sucked away but now (as I have not got involved with any new drama from anyone else) I am still replacing/adding energy and building up a real positive surplus.

 

SO, all I am saying, is that there is life after these people/situations .. and if that's the route one chooses to take then never, ever, ever give up on yourself.

 

be safe

Chris

 

Great post! I especially like the bolded part.

 

Myname - I can relate to everything you have written. I initiated NC several days ago and did well for a few. I will tell you that I broke NC today, and while it felt good to see him, I am back to square one, emotionally - it's a bad place to be.

 

NC is just that - no contact. And, it is a choice. When you are ready, you are ready. Keep reading and posting because it is helpful.

[myname]

I did really well last night, read lots of posts on here, especially Karma's post and I started to feel a lot stronger. Listened to music I like at home, cooked myself something nice, didn't check my email or phone and could enjoy all the good things I like from being single. Also had a friend request on facebook from a man I'm not interested in as any more than a friend, but it made me feel like there is hope and life beyond all this.

 

Today is going to be much harder, I have had a text from him already, saying he's been feeling very down, and of course part of me is thinking why's he down, has anything happenned. But so far I've not texted back. I know he will try to phone me later because he's said he will, and I know I will pick up the phone.

 

The difficulty is I don't hate him, I don't want to harm him and I don't actually want to have get myself feeling like that about him to be able to break away. So, I am getting more sure but I'm not quite able to ignore him yet.

[delirious]

My name, I am another in the same position, I can fully understand your pain. No contact is almost impossible for me and truly painful. I cannot function - eat or sleep, so I am right with you. Don't feel that you are alone.

[myname]

yes, it is hard.

 

I think he may try to phone me this afternoon, as he is travelling back from work via a station near where I work, and earlier in the week he had asked to meet up, you know, for a quick drink before he goes back to his weekend with his wife. I am unsure what I'm going to do, as I so do want to see him but also I don't want to just get an hour with him while his mobile phone rings non stop with his wife asking him where he is, what he's doing etc.

 

There is a fear that in not having contact it is us who are stopping there being anything more, but sooner or later we have to realise that having contact doesn't make there be something more either. When will I realise and accept that? I'm not there yet I know.

 

Maybe he won't phone because I have not replied to his text and then I can safely go home to my lonely weekend all bitter and upset that he has not even bothered to try to see me, crazy isn't it?

[jthorne]

yes, it is hard.

 

I think he may try to phone me this afternoon, as he is travelling back from work via a station near where I work, and earlier in the week he had asked to meet up, you know, for a quick drink before he goes back to his weekend with his wife. I am unsure what I'm going to do, as I so do want to see him but also I don't want to just get an hour with him while his mobile phone rings non stop with his wife asking him where he is, what he's doing etc.

 

There is a fear that in not having contact it is us who are stopping there being anything more, but sooner or later we have to realise that having contact doesn't make there be something more either. When will I realise and accept that? I'm not there yet I know.

 

Maybe he won't phone because I have not replied to his text and then I can safely go home to my lonely weekend all bitter and upset that he has not even bothered to try to see me, crazy isn't it?

You take control of yourself. You decide that this isn't enough. Stopping contact says you want better for yourself.

 

There are different camps on whether you should have the "goodbye, don't contact me anymore" conversation, or if you should just fall off the face of the earth and let him figure it out. If you talk to him, he's likely to try to sweet-talk you back into the affair, or even into accepting less than you were before. Not talking to him may result in them trying to contact you all the time. You have to decide what you can handle, but first you have to decide that you are worth more than being the option and not the priority.

 

There's two links on NC, I'll try to find them for you.

[jthorne]

Caliguy's No Contact Guide. and No Contact and What it means to You

 

Hope these help!

[myname]

I can't decide on whether to have the conversation or not, in some ways I've had it before so if he just doesn't hear from me he's not going to be totally in the dark as to why, and also it might make me feel stronger if he's contacting me and I'm not responding. But then I think if things were reversed (which not that long ago was the case, there was a time when he had left and was staying at a hotel while I was still with my long term partner and confused myself, it didn't last long) I would be so hurt by having him not respond or explain to me and I don't want to hurt him like that either.

[myname]

Caliguy's No Contact Guide. and No Contact and What it means to You

 

Hope these help!

 

thank you, I will read through these, rather than looking expectantly at my phone!

[2themoon&back]

myname, i have read your post and i am sorry for the turmoil and pain you are in... I wish i could tell you it will get better when you wake up tomorrow but that is not how it happens. We walked all the way in the situation and we are the only ones who can walk us out.

 

I have been just where you are and have been NC, for 3 months and at times I was sure I would not make it... and even worse, sometimes to find out I have made it, gets my head messed up ... you have received a lot of good advice here and support, you have to decide what you want to take from it and what is helpful to you and your situation.

 

Something’s you are hearing right now, you may not be ready to hear and that is ok.

 

The main reason for my post is to tell you, you are not alone, a lot of us here have been where you are and some are still there (me included).

 

What I do hope you will do is stop beating yourself up, stop saying you’re a fool, or anything else negative about yourself... you need some kindness and understanding right now, give yourself some.

 

It really does not matter how you got here as much as what your going now that you are here, so no need to put yourself down because you have gotten into this situation, you are hurting enough.

 

Also, you do not need to use the word "should", it seems to imply too much pressure. No one can say what you should or shouldn't be doing or feeling. There is no time limit on when you to act or move or make decisions, they will happen when you are ready, don't feel like you Have to do something you may not be ready to do because someone else thinks you "should".

 

Take all this wonderful advice as just that---Advice from people who have been where you are in one way or another and giving you food for thought.

 

Please just be kind to yourself, feel what you feel, try to take care of you and believe in yourself, that when the time for you is right, you will do what you need to do... for YOU !!

 

big hugs to you............

[myname]

agh, he's just texted me, saying he's on his way to the station but doesn't know if I'm interested in meeting, just his message has got to me, I'm feeling desperate to see him just to touch him, argh.

[Star_Bright]

Hi myname. I know that feeling of wanting to see him. But I also know the feeling of AFTER you see him, just for a quick drink while his wife is calling, and then he goes home to his wife for the weekend... it is awful and I think you will just feel down again after you see him. I think if you are strong and decide not to see him then it will get easier on you because you will be breaking the pattern. You will be in control of your life instead of letting him be in control and going along with his whims of when it's convenient for him to see you. I do know it's hard not to see him though so I won't judge you no matter what you do. I just want you to start getting happier. Best wishes. We're here for you!!

[sc58]

Hi myname. I know that feeling of wanting to see him. But I also know the feeling of AFTER you see him, just for a quick drink while his wife is calling, and then he goes home to his wife for the weekend... it is awful and I think you will just feel down again after you see him.

 

This is what I keep telling myself everytime I think about calling him or seeing him again. That although I'll be happy to hear his voice and to be with him, it's only going to last a short period of time. Because after our time is up, he will still be going back to his wife and I will hurt even more.

 

I keep reminding myself of how much it hurt when he would make love to me, then say he has to go home, and although he never said these words, he had to go home to his WIFE. I just don't want to feel that pain anymore, and I'm sure you don't either.

[jwi71]

myname...why haven't you blocked and deleted his number and email yet?

 

NC is NO CONTACT, not "not reply to HIS contact"...NO CONTACT.

 

Burn the bridges. I know its hard but what happens every time the phone rings? Or the email shows new messages? Setback.

 

Actively TAKE CONTROL. Because, as of now, HE is CONTROLLING you simply by texting or emailing or calling. Guide your own life...block and delete him.

[myname]

I met him for a drink, and it was really nice, and I don't feel rubbish from it, well not yet anyway.

 

I'm not properly ready for no contact yet. I don't think I even really tried it properly this time, I only didn't contact him or respond to his contact for almost 24 hours but he was aware that I'm starting to focus on moving on without him.

 

He was the one grateful that I was still seeing him and he said he's scared cos he knows that if he doesn't sort himself out he's going to lose me, I'm not holding onto any illusions that this is any signal from him that he's going to do what's necessary. But for the moment I'm not ready to ignore him.

 

This forum is great though, I've learnt so much (even if I'm not quite there to act upon that learning!) and I love the way people are so kind and non judgemental but not ducking the issues either.

 

I feel stronger from finding this forum, thanks everyone and please bear with me as I struggle to get through this phase in my life making mistakes as I go.

[jthorne]

Well of course he's grateful! He doesn't want to lose his girl on the side, the one who doesn't pressure him to get his act together! The more you agree to see him, the more time he buys to keep the status quo.

 

Not judging, not admonishing you, just letting you know that this is par for the course. There's a thread titled "MM's Textbook." It was meant to be funny, but you should take a look.

 

Anyway, have a great weekend, LS will be here when you need it.

[fooled once]

The difficulty is I don't hate him, I don't want to harm him and I don't actually want to have get myself feeling like that about him to be able to break away. So, I am getting more sure but I'm not quite able to ignore him yet.

 

No one said you have to hate him or want harm for him.

 

But, the only way NC will work is when you want MORE for you; when you love you and want the 'harm' to stop happening to YOU.

 

And it isn't about ignoring him -- it is about wanting MORE for you. If you are content being his mistress and okay with him going home to his wife and having a life with his wife, then there is no need for NC.

 

BUT if you want more for you, if you are tired of getting snippets of time, if you are uncomfortable with him having a relationship with his wife, THEN NC is right for you.

 

YOU have to make the decision; it isn't up to us. But we are here to support you if you do decide you want more.

 

....earlier in the week he had asked to meet up, you know, for a quick drink before he goes back to his weekend with his wife. I am unsure what I'm going to do, as I so do want to see him but also I don't want to just get an hour with him while his mobile phone rings non stop with his wife asking him where he is, what he's doing etc.

 

boy isn't that nice of him, meeting for a quick drink before he spends the next 48+ hours with his wife.

 

 

Maybe he won't phone because I have not replied to his text and then I can safely go home to my lonely weekend all bitter and upset that he has not even bothered to try to see me, crazy isn't it?

 

Why does your weekend have to be lonely? Why can't you get together with friends? Instead of wallowing and being "bitter and upset", why not choose to NOT mope around all weekend? Why not find something positive for YOU to do?

 

You take control of yourself. You decide that this isn't enough. Stopping contact says you want better for yourself.

 

There are different camps on whether you should have the "goodbye, don't contact me anymore" conversation, or if you should just fall off the face of the earth and let him figure it out. If you talk to him, he's likely to try to sweet-talk you back into the affair, or even into accepting less than you were before. Not talking to him may result in them trying to contact you all the time. You have to decide what you can handle, but first you have to decide that you are worth more than being the option and not the priority.

 

There's two links on NC, I'll try to find them for you.

 

Great post!

 

I can't decide on whether to have the conversation or not, in some ways I've had it before so if he just doesn't hear from me he's not going to be totally in the dark as to why, and also it might make me feel stronger if he's contacting me and I'm not responding. But then I think if things were reversed (which not that long ago was the case, there was a time when he had left and was staying at a hotel while I was still with my long term partner and confused myself, it didn't last long) I would be so hurt by having him not respond or explain to me and I don't want to hurt him like that either.

 

You don't want him to hurt? It is okay that YOU are hurting (and you are, whether you want to fully admit it or not) and HE is the one who is partly responsible for YOU hurting; but goodness, he can't hurt? Are you really sure you aren't just wanting to play the game of "chase me"? Then again, i don't think you are even remotely ready to go NC with him.

 

Well of course he's grateful! He doesn't want to lose his girl on the side, the one who doesn't pressure him to get his act together! The more you agree to see him, the more time he buys to keep the status quo.

 

Not judging, not admonishing you, just letting you know that this is par for the course. There's a thread titled "MM's Textbook." It was meant to be funny, but you should take a look.

 

Anyway, have a great weekend, LS will be here when you need it.

 

again, I agree.

 

I figure you are going to try to keep the euphoria from seeing him for a "quick drink" for as long as you can this weekend; thinking about how he just must care for you since he did text you; he did ask you for a quick drink, he did say he will call you Monday.

 

And while he spends the weekend with his wife, doing who knows what, you will be counting the hours and wishing away the weekend so you can hear from him again. That is what is truly sad -- wishing life away until you can hear from him again. That isn't life! That isn't healthy for YOU. When do YOU matter????

[Fieldsofgold]

Ok, I was dating this guy. Quite the love story. Then in one evening, I found out he had a W and an OW in addition to me (the love of his life!) I was hurt, furious, righteously indignant! Terminated the relationship immediately.

 

He texted. He called. He emailed. I read them all, and answered a few here and there. Part of the hook was trying to figure him out. Trying to figure out why he did what he did. And wondering. What is he going to do? Trying to figure him out is a "hook" that keeps you from moving on.

 

Then I went NC. Well, sort of, anyway. He would still text and email, and even though I did not answer, I later realized that I got some kind of satisfaction out of the fact that he was still trying to contact me.

 

Then he stopped. I was almost tempted to contact him to find out why he'd stopped trying! It's another hook. An emotional hook, seeing that there is a text or email, even if you never open it. It is all giving him space in your head, and you don't really move on, emotionally.

 

When I was finally, really able to emotionally embrace that he was a sleazeball scumbag, and I don't care why he does what he does - then I was able to totally and completely forget him. I'd guess it took me about 6-8 months. Not a fast process for me.

 

But when it was finally, really over for me, I was angry with myself for giving him so much of my thought life. Instead of mucking around in my thoughts about him, I could have been using my time and thought life for things soooo much more fun and positive and productive, than wondering about him. I felt like an absolute schmuck!

 

I think it might have been faster if I had blocked everything from the beginning. But on the other hand, I think reading his messages also may have helped me come to terms with it better, because every time he

emailed me a lie, it made me a little stronger in my resolve.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, just keep moving in the right direction, and when it's time, you'll be over it. I would caution you against seeing him though. Too easy to get sucked back in, I would think.

 

Good luck!