don't know what I'm doing

[jj33]

Its not uncommon. He used to say how amazing it is that at his age he finally found the kind of love always hoped he would have had in his marriage. That it took him all his life to find the kind of love we had for each other. Ok and... wouldnt you think he would run from his shell of a marriage and make the most of it? oh no. Just the other day hes telling me he loves me (slipped it into a conversation out of nowhere)i. And??? and nothing. Hes still married. I hardly even hear him anymore when he says those things.

 

And hopeless you gave great advice. If its still hitting nerves it means youre still processing it but you spoke from the heart.

[sc58]

Being in a R with a MM that you end up falling in love with and I don't mean just loving them I mean giving your heart and soul like you have never given before is so painful that it will scar your heart forever....

 

I know exactly how you feel. He told me to trust him, have faith, that our love will pull us through this. So I did. I gave him my whole heart, my soul. And in just one phone call, he took that all away. It was honestly the most painful experience of my life and I know my heart will be scarred forever.

 

But being here on LS has helped me so much, and your posts are very helpful. It has only been a few days for me, so I don't know if I'm ready to give advice either, but I do feel that reading other women's stories and giving my thoughts through my experiences is helpful, even if it does hurt thinking about the memories. It helps me see the reality of my situation so I'm not thinking so much about the "what-ifs" and possibilities. It is what it is, and all I can do is try to get over it.

[myname]

It takes a lot of work sc58 and it was/is and I think will always be painful to believe we (xMM & I) will never be together but I have to take the painful memories and keep hold of them to stop me falling back into the place that makes me happy (the bubble of us).

 

I tried to give myname advice as what she is going through reminds me of how I was but it has just opened old wounds.

 

Guess I'm just not ready to help others yet.

 

Being in a R with a MM that you end up falling in love with and I don't mean just loving them I mean giving your heart and soul like you have never given before is so painful that it will scar your heart forever....

 

hey, i'm sorry you're experiencing the pain of what happened to you, it is hard and leaves a big impact, I'm grateful for your input on this thread.

 

hugs and all the best

[hopeless4u]

Its not uncommon. He used to say how amazing it is that at his age he finally found the kind of love always hoped he would have had in his marriage. That it took him all his life to find the kind of love we had for each other. Ok and... wouldnt you think he would run from his shell of a marriage and make the most of it? oh no. Just the other day hes telling me he loves me (slipped it into a conversation out of nowhere)i. And??? and nothing. Hes still married. I hardly even hear him anymore when he says those things.

 

And hopeless you gave great advice. If its still hitting nerves it means youre still processing it but you spoke from the heart.

 

Yep and we fall for it over and over again....I'm still not at the stage where I couldn't listen to him but I do know that I would never get back into an A again.

It breaks my heart when I think of the things he told me and how he felt but I have to move on.

He has made his choice, right or wrong, it is his choice and I have to live with that.

In my heart if what he has told me over the last 2 yrs is true, I know he will never be happy. At first this just ate me up inside thinking he deserved better but now I just think....his choice.

 

Thank you for saying I gave good advice, not sure myname is quite ready but maybe she will read these posts in the future and understand why I tried to advise...

[sc58]

He has made his choice, right or wrong, it is his choice and I have to live with that.

In my heart if what he has told me over the last 2 yrs is true, I know he will never be happy. At first this just ate me up inside thinking he deserved better but now I just think....his choice.

 

Yup, HIS choice. HE decided to stay in a marriage that was apparently unhappy, loveless, etc. I wanted so badly for him to change his mind, tried to convince him he deserved better, to make the "right" choice for himself and his happiness. But in the end, it is his choice to make. And if he chooses to stay in an unhappy, loveless marriage, what am I supposed to do about it? It obviously can't be that bad if he chooses to stay in it.

 

Either that or he wants to see himself, or me to see him, as some kind martyr. Giving up his own happiness to do the "right thing." So HE won't feel so bad about throwing me under the bus? So I won't hate him or see him in a bad light, so that when he decides to call me again telling me how much he loves me, I'll still be willing to go back to him? I don't think so.

[jennie-jennie]

Yup, HIS choice. HE decided to stay in a marriage that was apparently unhappy, loveless, etc. I wanted so badly for him to change his mind, tried to convince him he deserved better, to make the "right" choice for himself and his happiness. But in the end, it is his choice to make. And if he chooses to stay in an unhappy, loveless marriage, what am I supposed to do about it? It obviously can't be that bad if he chooses to stay in it.

Either that or he wants to see himself, or me to see him, as some kind martyr. Giving up his own happiness to do the "right thing." So HE won't feel so bad about throwing me under the bus? So I won't hate him or see him in a bad light, so that when he decides to call me again telling me how much he loves me, I'll still be willing to go back to him? I don't think so.

 

I don't think it is about being a martyr. These guys' entire identity revolve around doing the right thing. They have always been the good guy. It is a survival mechanism which has served them well in the past.

 

While my MM's brothers were into drugs and other dysfunctional behaviors, my MM was the good guy. He certainly got a lot of positive feedback for this behavior and it became his way of living.

 

My MM has said that he either has to get a divorce or he will be unhappy for the rest of his life. I am not sorry that he would be unhappy. If he can't do the necessary action for us to be together, he should suffer the consequences.

 

These men are used to putting their own happiness last. If they didn't, they would have gotten a divorce a long time ago. The only way they can allow themselves to care about their own happiness is in secret, thus the affair. Just like they kept their real true selves hidden away from their mothers as they were growing up, so they do in the marriage. The only one who gets to see their true selves is the OW.

[jj33]

Jennie Jennie you make good points but thats only OK for an OW who is happy with what she gets from the A and is not depressed about it. You are happy being the OW but the OP is not.

 

If she felt she was getting what she needed from the relatoinship, she wouldnt be posting what she has posted.

 

Seems to me the point is to encourage her do what makes her happy, not to advise her to squealch her own needs so that she can stay OW. You are happy with your relationshp with your MM. Very very different situation.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie Jennie you make good points but thats only OK for an OW who is happy with what she gets from the A and is not depressed about it. You are happy being the OW but the OP is not.

 

If she felt she was getting what she needed from the relatoinship, she wouldnt be posting what she has posted.

 

Seems to me the point is to encourage her do what makes her happy, not to advise her to squealch her own needs so that she can stay OW. You are happy with your relationshp with your MM. Very very different situation.

 

The key to me is to show the OP what options are available to her, not to advise her in any particular direction.

 

I have been where she is at, and I know that there is more than one option available to her. Why would I keep that information from her? She is a mature adult capable of processing information and choosing her best option. She knows much more about herself and her situation than she can possibly post here, so I trust her judgment must surpass any of ours.

 

In no way am I telling her to "squealch her own needs so that she can stay OW". If she had to do that, she wouldn't be a happy OW in the first place.

 

The same woman can be in the same situation but it will be her attitude towards it that determines whether she is happy or not.

 

Why does it bother posters that I tell there are other options available than NC? If you have read my posts, you must have seen that NC is an option I too recommend in some instances. I just leave it up to the OP to make the final decision among the options available.

Edited October 17, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[woinlove]

The key to me is to show the OP what options are available to her, not to advise her in any particular direction.

 

I have been where she is at, and I know that there is more than one option available to her. Why would I keep that information from her? She is a mature adult capable of processing information and choosing her best option. She knows much more about herself and her situation than she can possibly post here, so I trust her judgment must surpass any of ours.

 

In no way am I telling her to "squealch her own needs so that she can stay OW". If she had to do that, she wouldn't be a happy OW in the first place.

 

The same woman can be in the same situation but it will be her attitude towards it that determines whether she is happy or not.

 

Why does it bother posters that I tell there are other options available than NC? If you have read my posts, you must have seen that NC is an option I too recommend in some instances. I just leave it up to the OP to make the final decision among the options available.

 

I agree attitude makes a huge difference. However, it also seems that for someone like myname, who has already recognized some of MM's weakness and self-serving behavior, to strive to view his actions only in a positive way in order to remain an OW, hoping things will change in the future, would be suppressing her own needs and desires.

[jj33]

When someone is in great pain over the way MM has treated them, Im not sure the difference between changing attitude and squealching ones emotions is anything more than semantics.

 

The OP could say hes just trying to be a good guy. I know he loves me (been there done that). But the fact remains the same. The OPs emotional needs are not being met. Otherwise her posts wouldnt read as they do. Yes she has more information than she is posting but her pain is evident. Shes not interested in being on the sidelines anymore and yes she could view it differently but her reality is the same, she isnt getting what she needs from teh relatoinship.

 

Jennie you are lucky, you have a relationship that fulfills your needs, you are confident of your MMs position. that is a rarity. More often the MM may feel love for the OW may wish things were different but isnt able to fulfill her needs within the limitations of the A. A change of attitude in those circumstances is simply a changing of your emotional needs and most people cant change their needs they change their expectations and end up feeling short changed.

[BB07]

When the pain is greater than the pleasure and the situation you are in is costing you your self respect and you feel like it's you who is doing all the compromising and bending, it's time to walk. This is true for any relationship but affairs are a set up from the beginning usually in that you are going to be shortchanged all the way around.

 

Denying your needs and wants at the expense of your self respect is only going to make you feel worse about a already bad situation, IMO. There comes a time when you have to cut your losses.

[Silly_Girl]

When the pain is greater than the pleasure and the situation you are in is costing you your self respect and you feel like it's you who is doing all the compromising and bending, it's time to walk. This is true for any relationship but affairs are a set up from the beginning usually in that you are going to be shortchanged all the way around.

 

Denying your needs and wants at the expense of your self respect is only going to make you feel worse about a already bad situation, IMO. There comes a time when you have to cut your losses.

 

Great post. And it's hard to do. In my opinion I walked away too soon (was temporary), and if I'd handled things differently I think I could have been where I am now about 3 months ago. But you have to be comfortable in yourself. Your inner boundaries could be so far removed from someone else's, but if you start to squirm and wonder why you're doing what you're doing... run!

[jennie-jennie]

When someone is in great pain over the way MM has treated them, Im not sure the difference between changing attitude and squealching ones emotions is anything more than semantics.

 

The OP could say hes just trying to be a good guy. I know he loves me (been there done that). But the fact remains the same. The OPs emotional needs are not being met. Otherwise her posts wouldnt read as they do. Yes she has more information than she is posting but her pain is evident. Shes not interested in being on the sidelines anymore and yes she could view it differently but her reality is the same, she isnt getting what she needs from teh relatoinship.

Jennie you are lucky, you have a relationship that fulfills your needs, you are confident of your MMs position. that is a rarity. More often the MM may feel love for the OW may wish things were different but isnt able to fulfill her needs within the limitations of the A. A change of attitude in those circumstances is simply a changing of your emotional needs and most people cant change their needs they change their expectations and end up feeling short changed.

 

I strongly object to posters making my situation out to be any different than other OW's. True, my MM is an amazing man, not all MM are, but my situation is the same as any other OW's in a long term extramarital relationship. I have suffered as much pain as any other OW.

 

To me NC was not a possible option. It was not within my power nor desire to leave my MM. Thus I stood before the choice whether to be an unhappy, conflicted OW or to find a way where I could be as content and happy as possible with the man I love.

 

I have made the choice that I am happier with my MM, than without. That my needs are more fulfilled with him than without. That the benefits outweigh the consequences. Thus I have made a conscious choice to remain in our relationship as long as I feel this way.

 

This does not mean that all my needs are fulfilled. This does not mean that I am always happy. This does not mean that I do not want more.

 

It means that I appreciate what I have rather than mourn for what I do not have.

 

My glass is half-full rather than half-empty.

 

I had to find my way out of my pain almost entirely by myself. If I can help someone else by telling of my experience I will. Because my situation is a typical OW situation, nothing more, nothing less.

[jj33]

I strongly object to posters making my situation out to be any different than other OW's. True, my MM is an amazing man, not all MM are, but my situation is the same as any other OW's in a long term extramarital relationship. I have suffered as much pain as any other OW.

 

To me NC was not a possible option. It was not within my power nor desire to leave my MM. Thus I stood before the choice whether to be an unhappy, conflicted OW or to find a way where I could be as content and happy as possible with the man I love.

 

I have made the choice that I am happier with my MM, than without. That my needs are more fulfilled with him than without. That the benefits outweigh the consequences. Thus I have made a conscious choice to remain in our relationship as long as I feel this way.

 

This does not mean that all my needs are fulfilled. This does not mean that I am always happy. This does not mean that I do not want more.

 

It means that I appreciate what I have rather than mourn for what I do not have.

 

My glass is half-full rather than half-empty.

 

I had to find my way out of my pain almost entirely by myself. If I can help someone else by telling of my experience I will. Because my situation is a typical OW situation, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Why do you object? ALL As are different from one another in various ways. You have found a peace with your situation. And that is great. Noone is bashing you for that, at least Im not.

 

This women is posting here because she is in deep pain. The fact that the route you took is not appropriate for her doesnt make your choice any less valid for you.

 

And yes that is my judgement, that for her keeping on with the MM would not be appropriate. If you read my posts to her I acknowledge that she may not be ready for full NC but she certainly doesnt sound like someone who is looking to stay in the affair.

 

My name apologies for the threadjack

[jennie-jennie]

Why do you object? ALL As are different from one another in various ways. You have found a peace with your situation. And that is great. Noone is bashing you for that, at least Im not.

 

This women is posting here because she is in deep pain. The fact that the route you took is not appropriate for her doesnt make your choice any less valid for you.

 

And yes that is my judgement, that for her keeping on with the MM would not be appropriate. If you read my posts to her I acknowledge that she may not be ready for full NC but she certainly doesnt sound like someone who is looking to stay in the affair.

 

My name apologies for the threadjack

 

I object because by making my situation out to be a rarity you are minimizing it's validity as being applicable to others' situations. It is a common strategy on LS to define all OW who are relatively happy as OW as being an exception.

 

While all affairs have individual details that vary there is a shared pattern of dynamics from which we can learn.

 

jj, you might be correct in your judgment that my solution is not a good solution for myname. But if I do not present it here, neither she nor anyone else who might be lurking, can decide on their own.

[jj33]

Sorry you feel that way. I dont have any "strategy" in posting my advice. When I was in the A I was very happy in it and had xMM been more adept at handling his confusion, I might still be in it.

 

So I am not minimizing your situation by saying its the exception. Most of the posters who post start posting when they are unhappy. Thats just the way it seems to me so as for those who post, yes I would say you are an exception. But to me that does not minimize your experience or make it any less legitimate.

[jennie-jennie]

Sorry you feel that way. I dont have any "strategy" in posting my advice. When I was in the A I was very happy in it and had xMM been more adept at handling his confusion, I might still be in it.

 

So I am not minimizing your situation by saying its the exception. Most of the posters who post start posting when they are unhappy. Thats just the way it seems to me so as for those who post, yes I would say you are an exception. But to me that does not minimize your experience or make it any less legitimate.

 

Perhaps we can find a common ground here then:

It is not my situation that is the exception, it is my way of handling it.

 

Which makes it the more important for me to share my experience so others who do not want to end their relationship with their MM can find a way out of their pain too.

[myname]

it's all very interesting for me cos my reason for posting was to try to work out what to do, what I should do.

 

I gave up on the no contact for now, I'm just not ready for it, and when I try to do it I do it in such a way that I think really I'm doing it to get the validation of having him not wanting no contact.

 

I guess I'm still confused. One thing I am ready to do is to start focusing less on him and his issues, what he's going to do or not, and start trying to sort myself out and making more of a social life for myself. Not that I've done anything about that yet, having spent the weekend alone again, but this one wasn't bad like some others have been. I was comfortable with my own company and relaxed with the idea that I will be ok and can cope with being on my own.

[blizzard]

I think NC is both one of the simplest and one of the hardest things at the same time.

 

It is simple because all it requires is for you to literally do nothing .... ignore everything they do .... never reply to anything ... never, ever, ever get hooked back in ... no matter how emotional the hook they throw.

 

It is hard because to do it and know it is absolutely the right thing to do means that you have to come to a full and utter acceptance that someone you love utterly must not be given any control over any aspect of your life because they don't treat it with any value.

 

It is harder still if you have given a lot of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally to someone/or some situation which has ended up draining you of a lot of your energy ... you literally feel like you have nothing left within.

 

What I can say is that if you do choose to go NC then whilst it is hard (especially through the cold-turkey phase) things do get better .. for me there were big healings at 3, 6, 12 and now again at 18 months ..

 

I thought I was doing great at 6 (and I was!) but at 18 I am so distant from the whole thing .. and not only have I replaced all that was sucked away but now (as I have not got involved with any new drama from anyone else) I am still replacing/adding energy and building up a real positive surplus.

 

SO, all I am saying, is that there is life after these people/situations .. and if that's the route one chooses to take then never, ever, ever give up on yourself.

 

be safe

Chris

 

I am at 5months NC...thank you Chris, you give me hope in the sense that the hurt gets easier to deal with. It already has. I am NOT interested in breaking NC, but I do like to hear how the heart heals. Thank you.

[blizzard]

dang I wish I could find the poster to give them credit for this...I will keep trying. I think it was Karmatest...

But, to help you "think" for the now here it goes.

This poster stated that she read from BS fb page how "she was glad to get a break from the kids...she and hubby were going out to see a movie"

This particular movie was the exact same movie he had promised to share with OW before going NC...

 

My point? You care more than he does. Today he is living life and enjoying it. Tomorrow he will live it and enjoy even more. NC day...no worries. He will still live another day like it was his last. MM lead two lives. Both are very satisfying. Neither will destroy him.

 

I am so sorry you are going through hurt. But, NC is the answer. I am at 5months NC...every day gets a little more easier. Hang in there. And make a good decision.

[jennie-jennie]

it's all very interesting for me cos my reason for posting was to try to work out what to do, what I should do.

 

I gave up on the no contact for now, I'm just not ready for it, and when I try to do it I do it in such a way that I think really I'm doing it to get the validation of having him not wanting no contact.

 

I guess I'm still confused. One thing I am ready to do is to start focusing less on him and his issues, what he's going to do or not, and start trying to sort myself out and making more of a social life for myself. Not that I've done anything about that yet, having spent the weekend alone again, but this one wasn't bad like some others have been. I was comfortable with my own company and relaxed with the idea that I will be ok and can cope with being on my own.

 

You're doing good, girl!

[jennie-jennie]

dang I wish I could find the poster to give them credit for this...I will keep trying. I think it was Karmatest...

But, to help you "think" for the now here it goes.

This poster stated that she read from BS fb page how "she was glad to get a break from the kids...she and hubby were going out to see a movie"

This particular movie was the exact same movie he had promised to share with OW before going NC...

 

My point? You care more than he does. Today he is living life and enjoying it. Tomorrow he will live it and enjoy even more. NC day...no worries. He will still live another day like it was his last. MM lead two lives. Both are very satisfying. Neither will destroy him.

 

I am so sorry you are going through hurt. But, NC is the answer. I am at 5months NC...every day gets a little more easier. Hang in there. And make a good decision.

 

I guess the MM really wanted to see that movie. No reason to read more into it than that IMO.

[pureinheart]

I don't think it is about being a martyr. These guys' entire identity revolve around doing the right thing. They have always been the good guy. It is a survival mechanism which has served them well in the past.

 

While my MM's brothers were into drugs and other dysfunctional behaviors, my MM was the good guy. He certainly got a lot of positive feedback for this behavior and it became his way of living.

 

My MM has said that he either has to get a divorce or he will be unhappy for the rest of his life. I am not sorry that he would be unhappy. If he can't do the necessary action for us to be together, he should suffer the consequences.

 

These men are used to putting their own happiness last. If they didn't, they would have gotten a divorce a long time ago. The only way they can allow themselves to care about their own happiness is in secret, thus the affair. Just like they kept their real true selves hidden away from their mothers as they were growing up, so they do in the marriage. The only one who gets to see their true selves is the OW.

 

This sounds a lot like exDM...for us Jennie, it's less caring what will go down and more of knowing what will happen...not "if", but "when". This is a really good post BTW:)

 

I really wish I would have had you to talk to back in the day as I was so confused and angry there towards the end. I know you would have given me objective advice, based on my needs and what I could handle...

 

it's all very interesting for me cos my reason for posting was to try to work out what to do, what I should do.

 

I gave up on the no contact for now, I'm just not ready for it, and when I try to do it I do it in such a way that I think really I'm doing it to get the validation of having him not wanting no contact.

 

I guess I'm still confused. One thing I am ready to do is to start focusing less on him and his issues, what he's going to do or not, and start trying to sort myself out and making more of a social life for myself. Not that I've done anything about that yet, having spent the weekend alone again, but this one wasn't bad like some others have been. I was comfortable with my own company and relaxed with the idea that I will be ok and can cope with being on my own.

 

Just hang in there, do what you can do when you can...one thing I learned is that I have the potential for being a swinging pendulum. Back and forth from one extreme to the other.

 

Find balance within your inner self first, then all the rest will fall into place. In bold is what a person should do no matter what in any R. It may be less about MM and more about how you are in R's period. This would be a gold mine to discover, if in fact it is the case...hey good luck, k...we're rooting for you no matter what you do or do not do:)

[fooled once]

It takes a lot of work sc58 and it was/is and I think will always be painful to believe we (xMM & I) will never be together but I have to take the painful memories and keep hold of them to stop me falling back into the place that makes me happy (the bubble of us).

 

I tried to give myname advice as what she is going through reminds me of how I was but it has just opened old wounds.

 

Guess I'm just not ready to help others yet.

 

Being in a R with a MM that you end up falling in love with and I don't mean just loving them I mean giving your heart and soul like you have never given before is so painful that it will scar your heart forever....

 

H4U; don't you dare stop posting and helping others!! YOUR input is just as valuable as anyone else's. YOUR views and opinions are needed. YOU are currently going through what so many others are getting ready to go through. PLEASE do not stop posting, do not stop caring and do not suppress your views.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. He told me to trust him, have faith, that our love will pull us through this. So I did. I gave him my whole heart, my soul. And in just one phone call, he took that all away. It was honestly the most painful experience of my life and I know my heart will be scarred forever.

 

But being here on LS has helped me so much, and your posts are very helpful. It has only been a few days for me, so I don't know if I'm ready to give advice either, but I do feel that reading other women's stories and giving my thoughts through my experiences is helpful, even if it does hurt thinking about the memories. It helps me see the reality of my situation so I'm not thinking so much about the "what-ifs" and possibilities. It is what it is, and all I can do is try to get over it.

 

SC.... read what I just wrote to H4U -- ^ there ^ ... Your views and thoughts are also very valuable to LS posters. I also think it 'helps' you too - to see that you are not alone. You will see many who have gone through what you are going through and come out of it stronger, happier and with a full life. I have been there - I have hurt like I never have hurt before. But I came through it and have been happily married for over 12 years (NOT to a MM) You will find a full, loving and good life --- and you will learn so much about YOU (not that I recommend anyone going through an affair to find out about themselves). Hang in there SC -- one day at a time and you will heal more and more each day. (hugs)

 

When someone is in great pain over the way MM has treated them, Im not sure the difference between changing attitude and squealching ones emotions is anything more than semantics.

 

The OP could say hes just trying to be a good guy. I know he loves me (been there done that). But the fact remains the same. The OPs emotional needs are not being met. Otherwise her posts wouldnt read as they do. Yes she has more information than she is posting but her pain is evident. Shes not interested in being on the sidelines anymore and yes she could view it differently but her reality is the same, she isnt getting what she needs from the relatoinship.

 

 

I agree - especially the bolded. Her pain is very evident.

 

When the pain is greater than the pleasure and the situation you are in is costing you your self respect and you feel like it's you who is doing all the compromising and bending, it's time to walk. This is true for any relationship but affairs are a set up from the beginning usually in that you are going to be shortchanged all the way around.

 

Denying your needs and wants at the expense of your self respect is only going to make you feel worse about a already bad situation, IMO. There comes a time when you have to cut your losses.

 

Excellent post BB!

[anywherebuthere]

it's all very interesting for me cos my reason for posting was to try to work out what to do, what I should do.

 

I gave up on the no contact for now, I'm just not ready for it, and when I try to do it I do it in such a way that I think really I'm doing it to get the validation of having him not wanting no contact.

 

I guess I'm still confused. One thing I am ready to do is to start focusing less on him and his issues, what he's going to do or not, and start trying to sort myself out and making more of a social life for myself. Not that I've done anything about that yet, having spent the weekend alone again, but this one wasn't bad like some others have been. I was comfortable with my own company and relaxed with the idea that I will be ok and can cope with being on my own.

 

This sounds like a great strategy. Personally I don't know who could be happy being an OW - if you really love the MM - because to me that equates to being happy or okay sharing your man with another woman. (I could see it if OW desires her freedom and no commitment or something. But not if she truly loves MM and wants his total love in return).

 

Never could I be happy with this and I think the advice reads more like 'accept less than you really want.' Well I advise you to hold out for -all- that you want- don't settle. No man is worth settling for or compromising what you really want for. Just do what's best for you and I think eventually you will get there. You won't want to stay second best forever and right now I'm sorry but he is putting you as second best and you are allowing it. So I'm glad you're to the point where you can focus on yourself and having a life outside of him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to give tough love because that's what has helped me here so far. All the best.