Parents controlling my family

[My_Single_Life]

I really need some outside advice on my situation and I really hope that I can find it here...

 

to sum everything up:

 

I'm a 24 year old single mother of two babies. I was married for three years and am currently seperated (from the baby daddy). Through out my marriage my husband has done some pretty mean things, and it was after i found out he was having an internet affair that i took out kids and left.

 

Seeing as though i was a stay at home mom at the time MY parents let me stay with them until our divorce would be final. I have been living with my parents for the past year (divorce will be final next month) and hating almost every second of it.

 

I'm a college student and i work part time (all while caring for the kids) but my parents have been paying for my divorce lawyers.

 

 

Recently my "husband" and i have been talking again.... he's changed alot in his life since we have left a year ago, and we spend a week together with the kids...it was the best week of my life. It was great being a family again.

 

to make a long story short i have been thinking about getting back with him for one more shot.... he lives 14 hours away from my parent's home so it's not as easy as 1-2-3

 

but he has agreed to pay back any lawyer fees, go to counceling with me, AND sign a pre/post-nup stating that if he ever crosses the lines again he will have to pay a lump sum of money to the kids and i (not to mention childsupport). I wanted to move up to where he lives for the next month because i'm off from work and off from school until spring. I don't want to jump into a relationship ASAP but i wanted to see if it could happen.

 

I brought the idea up to my parents and they flipped out.... they said that they would disown me if i left and got back with him and that i was crazy to think anyone could change. they wouldn't even hear me out... I would love nothing more then for us to be a family again but if i got up there and i didn't think we could be a great family i wouldn't stay with him.

 

My husband said to give them time to think about it.... but he said that I'll always have a home with him but it's important that we have their blessing to move on.

 

i'm so confused and depressed. my parents are now ignoring me because they're so mad that i would even think about leaving for him. advice anyone?

[quankanne]

sounds like their response is based on the fact that they've sunk a butt-load of money into securing a lawyer for you ... and now you feel you want to try it again? I can see how that would anger them. HOWEVER, I'm surprised they aren't open to you two trying to fix the problems in y'alls relationship – unless you really bad-mouthed him to your folks, and they believe that they're protecting you from an animal?

[My_Single_Life]

kinda... they have paid for my lawyer BUT (and i didn't mention this above) I put over enough money for the lawyer in a savings account with their name on it... it's a long story about why i did it like that.

 

but the point is they have over the amount for the lawyer from me already. But i've been trying to pay them back in cash so i didn't have to pull anything out of that savings account... i gave them the access so they didn't feel like i was going to stiff them.

 

since i've been home they never have anything positive to say about me... and they always take their daily vents out on me... i hate it.

 

 

also,

 

you are correct about me bad mouthing my husband.... my heart was broken and i missed being with him, i think it was a way to guard myself and tell myself that i was trying to do the right thing by leaving him.

 

But i've also been telling my folks all of the positive changes he has made in his life since we have left. My husband wants to talk to them about his regrets and changes but i'm asking him to wait until some of these raw feelings blow over.

 

 

thanks for you're view on things

[quankanne]

definitely give them time to get past their initial reaction ... and time to see for themselves *how* your husband has changed. Could very well be they feel they need to parent you for some reason, rather than just be strong moral support. You know, fall back into old roles as protective parents because that's what they've been so used to doing?

 

chin up, kiddo – things will work out for the best.

[amerikajin]

I brought the idea up to my parents and they flipped out.... they said that they would disown me if i left and got back with him and that i was crazy to think anyone could change. they wouldn't even hear me out... I would love nothing more then for us to be a family again but if i got up there and i didn't think we could be a great family i wouldn't stay with him.

 

My husband said to give them time to think about it.... but he said that I'll always have a home with him but it's important that we have their blessing to move on.

 

i'm so confused and depressed. my parents are now ignoring me because they're so mad that i would even think about leaving for him. advice anyone?

 

I can understand why your parents are mad. They're paying for your mistakes. I'm not trying to call you out, but I'm just pointing out how it is from their perspective. Also, they still care about you and they probably aren't willing to just forgive and forget the mean things your husband has done. It's different from their point of view. You're their daughter. Their duty is to take care of you.

 

As for disowning you, I doubt seriously they would do that. I think that people often give ultimatums in that situation because they don't know what else to do. A more rational ultimatum would be to say "Okay, if you reunite with him, you can, but don't expect us to support it and don't expect us to hang around him much, and you'll have to repay us." The threat to disown you is a desperate move because they don't know how to prevent you from getting back together with your husband, and they see that as a mistake.

 

Personally, I think your parents are right. People don't change. Sure, he has changed now, but the moment he sense things are back to normal, he could go right back to being what he was before, and then what?