Actions speak louder than words, or do they?

[J]

Hi,

 

I have a circle of 3 friends; two male (one straight, one gay); and a straight female. I'm female too. I've known the gale male friend for about 9 years and got to know the other two through him about 4 years ago. While we didnt socialise much in the early years, we did go on holiday together and had a good time each time until the last one eighteen months ago. At that time- and so it has continued afterwards- I've felt a shift in the dynamics of the group relationship. While my straight male friend has had a girlfriend now for over a year he developed a very bantering relationship with my female friend during that holiday that continues to this day. Its pretty obvious that she finds this very flattering and he enjoys the response he gets from her. I felt that this 'game' they played while the four of us were out split the group into two; the two of them and me and my gay male friend. It got to the point where I felt so isolated and left out that I began to withdraw from the group even if I was out with them, and that of course made things even worse; I started making bitchy comments and I am sure I was not easy to be with.

 

I also felt that while we had started to go out more often, it usually revolved around their common interests, and my needs for for the odd night of wild clubbing were not met with any interest.

 

When I finally plucked up enough courage to talk with all of them individually, I got the impressioin that they felt that I was the one with the issue; that I was the one who was so needy and demanding; that I was the one who was making things more of an issue than they really were. It was also agreed- I suppose to reassure me- that everyone in the group should get their needs met, so perhaps that wild night of clubbing wasn't an impossibility.

 

So I believed them; I spent a lot of money in counselling where I tried to deal with the envy I suppose I must have had at what I saw as a level of 'closeness' between two of my friends that I did not have with any of them, and to carry on talking to all of my frineds even though it was so hard to do, because fundamentally I believed that everyone in the group carried some responsibility for how everyone felt- at any given time. I also started taking anti-depressants.

 

During counselling, I made some progress with the female friend who I care for dearly yet who I felt so much animosity towards for so obviously enjoying the attention of my straight male friend which made me feel left out.

 

She agreed to do less of the bantrering while I was around to give me the chance to reassert myself in the group; I had grown so withdrawn that this was the only way I could do it, and I was also making her life a living hell with my barbed comments and so our friendship was on a very rocky road at that point. So now, while the banter continues it is more low key and I have her to thank for that.

 

However, months later I feel I am a friend to her in name only. We rarely go out alone; she always wants others along which makes me feel that I must be very boring to be with. I see her alone only if she pops rounds for a coffee over the weekend, but even then only for an hour because she has 'things to do'. I know I must have hurt her a lot, but then we never went out alone before this started either.

 

She also claims often to be broke which is fair enough, but this weekend with my straight male friend in town she has managed to go out for three nights in a row which is pretty much unheard of. It seems she will always find the money when there is someone more interesting to be around.

 

The straight male friend suggests positive thinking, but otherwise carries on much as before and I think he cannnot relate to how I am feeling at all. The other male friend feels caught in the middle.

 

On Friday night my request for a night of dancing the night away on Saturday night continued to hit a wall of disinterest; and yet other friends of my female friend can mention wanting a night of clubbing and that seems to be OK with her. So why can't I get ot choose what we do sometimes?

 

I expect I place a lot of expectations on this group of friends because I don't have a partner, and while I have other friends, they have kids and other considerations.

 

I just feel at this point that all the right stuff is always said, but no real action is being anyone. I have done what I can on my part (counselling, pills) etc but feel that there is still no sense of shared responsibility to help me get through a tough time which I suppose I thought is what friends where there for as well as the good times.

 

I veer from sheer hopelessness, where I go along with anything to keep the peace, to sheer anger and the ensuing agressive behaviours. I'm fed up with having the same old conversations where I get verbal reasurance only to find nothing ever really changes. I'm a believer that actions speak louder than words. I also think that perhaps we have reached the point where familiarity breeds contempt.

 

Tonight I called the female friend and told her that unless

 

we could get this sorted out tomorrow then we should call our frindship off, as I feel what we had once is dying slowly and excrutiatingly. I didn't wait to find out her response. I would still like things to work themselves out, but I just can't see how they can.

 

Any thoughts would be welcome. I'd appreciate your perspective, Tony.

[Tony T]

Friendships, like everything else in life, evolve and are everchanging. Our feelings change, our likes and dislikes change. Each of us transforms in our own unique ways over time.

 

The best chance you have of remaining friends with this girl is just to downgrade the relationship to one in which you see or talk to each other on rare occasions. You have grown apart. A fondness remains for her in your heart but she is not the same person you were friends with a few years ago. That's OK. That's just life.

 

You also need to stop expecting so much from everybody. If you're on holiday with others and they seem to pair up and leave you feeling left out of things, don't upset yourself with that. Make the best of it by just doing things by yourself. But just don't ever go on holiday with them again. Their inconsideration and disrespect is not your problem and you should not be a victim of it.

 

The biggest thing for you to do at this time is to find new friends that are like yourself, that share your interests and values where you are in life right now, and move on. Friendships should not require massive amounts of therapy, conversation, etc. to keep together. They should occur naturally and have a life of their own filled with happiness, contentment, and fullfilment of those involved. An occasional disagreement can be easily worked out.

 

Life is just too damned short to have friends like this. Have I made my point?