With boyfriend 8 years, engaged..but now needing his time and space

[sinkerswim]

Hi everyone.

I am new here..Ive been reading this forum for a few days now. Maybe I can come here to get some support with what I am going through.

Let me put it this way...I am just heartbroken. :-(

 

I have been with my guy for 8 years (Oct is our anniversary).

I am 31 and he is 30. We have never had any major problems. I have been there for him through many tough times in his life,

that included both of his parents deaths. He always loved me for who I am and always treated me like I was the only girl in the room. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. Of course, we have had our usual ups and downs with bickering over the years...but nothing major like this. We got engaged in Dec. 99. But no plans were ever made with a wedding.

Well, let me put it this way....

I have been diagnosed with OCD (after this all happened) and my problem is, over the past 8 years I have been very controlling, demanding and possessive and smothering to him.. A bit motherly as well. Well, that is part of having OCD, But I didnt know that at the time.

On February 1st, it all came to a head and I went over his house checking on him at like 11 30 pm at night (when everyone was ready for bed) and started crying because I couldnt find him all day. He didnt seem very upset that night, but then the next day I guess he had time to think of it. I called him and was pushy and crying again... It was like I was pressing all his buttons. He said everything was ok, but then I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said "If you dont knock this behavior off, I will".

I saw him the next day which was Feb 3rd, and we talked at his house. He said that I never trust him and I always tell him what to do...etc.

Which is sadly true. But like I said...He has never given me a reason NOT to trust him. My therapist can understand me. Thats all part of being insecure and having OCD.

So...he said he wanted space for a few days to cool down. Well, a few days turned into a week and I called him on Valentines Day, because I was beside myself. I had already sent him a letter, too.

He said "he didnt know what to tell me yet" everything I said "He didnt know what to tell me yet"

He said he wont leave me hanging. I asked him twice (that reassurance thing again) I told him he has my cell phone and work phone to reach me. I had also sent him a Valentine card. So basically I really didnt give him the space yet to think.

I still havent heard from him yet.. But I have faith that we can work on this. I KNOW he is not screwing around...hes just the type that goes into his "cave" and will talk when hes ready to talk. Unfortunately he is that way. He is very stubborn with his emotions. Like hes a bit childish in that sense. But dont get me wrong...I love him very very much.

Anyway, so I am waiting now and trying to keep myself busy. I miss him more than anything in the world. I miss his touch, his scent, his lips...EVERYTHING.

Everyone is saying Give him the chance to really miss you. I have done so much for him over the years and I know he loves me. But I truly think he really needs time away from me. We fell into a rut besides this big blowout. I just feel like I Screwed up big time. He knows I love him and would do anything for him.

I have spoken to his 24 year old niece and his sister n law. They both said Give him time to miss you...not many people would put up with him. Meaning his self cenetered behavior. Like being childish in a sense. But dont get me wrong..he is a great guy and doesnt always like that it. Just when we are bickering. Our relationship was always very good.

 

Anyway, I miss him more than anything and I know I truly truly love him. I have been in a depression over this and I am on 3 meds. Including therapy to get me through it and also to help me with my OCD. Everyone is saying to work on myself and prove to him that you can change.

I just want that chance to prove it to him.

I would do anything to have him back. We are not broken up though. I wont take off this ring unless he really said it was over. Which I have been praying soooo hard that it wont be.

We can work on this. I have alot of faith in us. He is the love of my life.

He knows I am getting help , I mentioned that to him 3 times. So he knows that now.

Oh well guys...thanks for listening. Any input would be great.

[clia]

When were you diagnosed with OCD, and have you told him?

[sinkerswim]

Hi Clia

I was diagnosed AFTER this happened. Because I knew I hit rock bottom. He doesnt know I was diagnosed with it.

I just told him I was going to get help to change for myself and for him.

I dont know if he understands the whole OCD thing. If you dont have it..its hard to explain to someone.

Thats what I want to discuss with him when we get back in touch.

[moimeme]

over the past 8 years I have been very controlling, demanding and possessive and smothering to him.. A bit motherly as well

 

He said that I never trust him and I always tell him what to do...etc. Which is sadly true.

 

That your guy put up with this for eight years is practically a miracle. The real shame is that people with big issues that cause trouble in relationships don't do a thing to deal with their issues until they've driven their partners away.

 

Then, they get help for their issues and beg for a 'second chance'. I'm afraid it may be way too late for you. He lived in what would have been a pretty wretched relationship for that long before he finally gave it up.

 

By all means, tell him about OCD and point him to websites and books about it, but I doubt that he will be willing to try it again. You let it go way too long.

[sinkerswim]

Another thing is...he always told me he would never leave me. Because I was always asking "You would never leave me would you?"

He always responded with..."thats a silly question, you know I wouldnt leave you." But hes like "but geez...if you keep asking ridiculous questions like that, I might change my mind."

 

So I always should have taken that as a warning. But then again my OCD and insecurities got the best of me. I can just kill myself now.

I cant stop thinking of him. Everything I do or see reminds me of him and I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

All of this is unbelievable.

I also have to add (i couldnt edit my post) that I was kind of depressed in January and was distant from him. But I never meant any harm.

It was because my parents told me they were moving away and I had to get my own place and be out on my own. It was tough for me to handle for some reason.

But last time I spoke to him, it wasnt etched in stone where I was going to live yet...I had an idea. But now he has never seen my new apartment nor does he have my new address or phone number. This makes me ill. I moved on Feb. 21st. (Like I mentioned he does have my cell phone and work number)

Like I said I cant believe all this happened to me at once.

I asked if it was because I was getting an apartment and he said no.

 

I have to add he lives at home with his sister and nephew. So, hes not out on his own. But he pays her half the rent.

I always thought that finally him and I could have our own space. Privacy for once. He didnt have to move in..but rather come over whenever he wanted to.

I still hope and pray so hard that he gets to see my place and we can share nice times there.

I really am sick about this.

I was thinking if I dont hear from him by next week, I am going to send him a simple card with my new address and phone number where to reach me. Just so he knows where I am at.

I think I should..we are not broken up.

Im sorry everyone for rambling..I just had to add those few more things.