6 months post...

[mikeymad]

It's been a while since I've written, at the time of my separation and impending D I was here every day, multiple times per day. I've learned to try and cope with the "real world" lately, but even as a young guy with seemingly a lot going for him, I'm still hurting a lot.

I've buried myself in work and "dating", almost spending as much time on the online dating sites as I did on here...another way to distract myself. "If only I could find someone who would love me" I tell myself. Yet no one stacks up to my ex. I had never dated much before my ex, but now it's the complete opposite... I've had everything, being stood up, one and done dates where they never respond, one night stand, and the one or two who actually started to like me, and when I saw that I freaked out and ran away. I think I try and fast track the level of comfort and intimacy with a person, and when they start to open up and I feel them wanting a commitment I back off. I'm also not very good at being selective, as it feels as if I'm looking for a connection from anyone, which has obviously not worked out so well, but for some reason I'd rather have that than be alone...

One in particular actually called me out and said I had no business dating, because with all I had to offer, it wasn't fair to withhold that from people if I wasn't ready to share all of me. I've been called a serial dater, a "player", and accused of living the "frat boy/bachelor lifestyle". I know I've been on somewhat of a self destructive tear...out a lot whooping it up in the nightlife, dating, no sleep, can't fully focus at work...repeat. It gets tiring. And honestly I would rather spend a quiet night sitting on the couch next to my ex and going to bed at a decent hour. But you don't meet people sitting on your couch, so I force myself out, into the world of drunkenness and debauchery.

I ran into my ex sister in law the other day in a store, and it was the first time I'd seen her in about a year (since the separation). It was awkward, and she said that she knows there were things both of us did incorrectly to contribute to the D, and she hoped we both could learn and move on. I was on my way to my first solo wedding since the D, it was gonna be hard enough as it was, and it turned out to be too much for me to handle because everything mirrored our wedding, and how the smiles had turned to frowns, the flowers had wilted, the pictures were now hidden, the songs that were beautiful are now sorrowful and sad, and the vows are now lies. Last month was our first anniversary not together, and the fact that it was also my birthday made it even worse. I'm not sure how I survived, but I did.

I'm wondering what my problem is. I hold on. I still love her. I still want to contact her. I'm afraid of commitment to anyone else, because I don't want to have that happen again, i'm not sure I could handle it. So now I sit, with shallow connections with many people, instead of a deep one with one. The amount of connection is not the same, but at least when one leaves the sting of rejection isn't as bad, and they can be replaced without my entire world being flipped upside down. I feel like I'm just treading water and coasting through this life...a shadow of my former self. I know of all places, at least some here may understand what I'm going through...just wish I could break this cycle.

[tojaz]

Mikey, your date was right. Your not ready friend, your stuck in the panic of trying to fill the void as fast as you can. Thats not fair to you and thats not fair to the women you meet either. You say yourself thats not who you want to be.... Then why do it?

 

It hurts being alone Mikey, I've been that way for about a year and a half and hate every minute, but you need to heal before you run and try and give yourself to someone else. You need to rebuild, regain your strength so you can start anew with someone else rather then trying to replace what was lost, because you will never find a "replacement" and your never going to find a good hearted woman thats willing to be anyway.

 

Take some time to cope, to learn about yourself and what you need, other then just the obvious. Then you'll be ready to find it.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

These ONS and going through woman after woman is obviously your way of coping. It's not healthy and you know that. In addition most women will see it coming a mile away and run in the other direction.

 

Some women may not and they are the ones that might get hurt. Please don't hurt them.

 

I know I was tempted to go in your direction and go through an endless string of women, and in fact I came close to it. What stopped me was the realization that I did not want to hurt anyone like my STBX did to me.

 

Now I also realized really quickly that I had no intention of being alone. Some on here insist that being alone and "finding yourself" is the way to deal with a divorce and seperation. Well I don't agree. I am happy that I found someone.

 

Good luck, but you already know what you must do.

[sumdude]

Hi Mikey, there's no timeline for the healing and getting back to what I'd call 'new normal'. Right now you're in the hardest part other than the initial separation stage. This is when the friends who were there to listen have moved on with the whole thing while you're right in the thick of it. Can't blame them, they're not living it. I went through a year or two of similar stuff after my D and in the middle of that my dad's health failed and he passed. Coping with change is a challenge. Some people have a harder time than others for whatever reason. We often try to fill the empty spaces where our exes were with something or someone.. sometimes seems like almost anyone. But no one will ever fill that space. Someday some will love you again but not necessarily in the same way. In fact let's hope they do love you differently. You'll get through this. The hard part is learning to relax and just live in the moment. Taking some control over your thinking. Stopping the negative though spirals once they start.

[You Go Girl]

Hello again Mikey,

good to hear from you, even if all the news isn't good.

You don't need me or anybody to tell you that your current strategy isn't working. Time to forgo the bars and drunk sex, etc.

 

What you need is to feel good about who you are. How do you get there?

I think taking a moral inventory and asking yourself to step up to the plate and use your good moral compass. From there, you will weather whatever the truth brings your way. Be ready for the truth--stand up to it--stand up for who you are, and all things will fall into place. (New women being the last of your concerns, really!)

 

If it involves lonely Saturday nights, so be it. If it involves taking a look at flaws within yourself and correcting them, so be it. If it involves having to let others go who are crutches in your life, so be it.

Whatever tough lonely thing you must endure, it's ok. It's all going to lead you back to yourself, and you will become the man you want to be, and always felt you should have been.

There's no substitute for knowing you are doing the right thing, living right, treating others right, being honest with yourself.

Time to step back, recognize you are out of control and on the wrong path, and start over in your healing. It all begins with becoming who you know you should be.

[Gunny376]

You need to recognize and comprehend that your dealing with many more issues than you and the XW splitting up.

 

Human beings, both male and females are social beings ~ albeit women oftentimes much more than males.

 

Women become friends with other women simply because they have mutual shared experiences, interests, and points of comparisons among many other things.

 

Men don't so much have friends ~ as they have "buddies" ~ that is to say that men have a much greater tendency to "compartion-lize" their friends into shared activities and interests. Such as my "Dirt-bike" riding buddy, or my Hunting buddy, or my Golfing buddy.

 

None of which are necessarily interchangeable nor compatible.

 

Along with that men tend to cast their "true blue" friends when they become seriously involved with a woman, and his social circle and circle of influence tends to fall to the wayside and hers tends become the more dominant of the two.

 

I mean less just face it, its with go to my great-aunt Matilda's birthday or your going to go out to hang out with your boys? ( You seriously didn't choose to go shoot hoops with tha' boys rather than miss my great aunt's 104 year birthday party, {BTW if you did you will hear the word "FINE!!!!!!" ~ AND THERE WILL BE HELL TO BE PAID LATER! )

 

Not only will there be hell to be paid later? But you will be reminded of it every-time you argue for the next forty years!

 

The second thing you need to understand my friend is that there IS such a thing as Relationship Addiction!

 

And it affects any and all of us.

 

Its biologically engineered into our DNA ~ but made even more all the worse by sociological and cultural conditioning of the modern day era.

 

Over the course of centuries? Combined with modern media (Television shows, movies, paperback novels, etc.) what marriage, romance and so-called 'true and everlasting love?

 

Have been skewed from actual reality of day-to-day life?

 

'Hollyweird' would have us believe that we find happiness through and from another?

 

WRONG!

 

Self happiness comes from within.

 

Its about self actualization and self awareness.

 

It can be for some hard to acquire and achieve.

 

For others it comes easily enough.

 

Its basically the statement of:

 

"I did just fine before I meet you! I'll do just fine when you gone!"

 

Its about being self sufficient, self defining, non-dependent upon anyone for anything.

 

Not mentally!

 

Not emotionally!

 

Not psychologically

 

Not for your livelihood!

 

Not financially!

 

Its self dependence!

 

It relying upon yourself to love your own self, to become comfortable in your own skin, to accept yourself for who and what you are ~ flaws and all ~ as being you.

 

Its FREEDOM!

 

Its freedom from want and need and the validation of another that "I'm OK, Your OK!" (I quote because its the name of a book that I read back in the 70's)

 

"People Come and People Go!

Ain't no one monkey that makes a show!" (Van Morrison)

 

We could sit around the fire all day and spit whiskey into the fire about I/we should have dones this, or should have done that, could of done this and ought of done that?

 

Its a waste of time, effort, energy and money ~ some of the more precious resources we humans have?

 

The primary one being TIME!

 

An American males expected life expectancy is about 72 (I've not checked the latest updated stats) or 262,80 days!

 

There's no need worrying about the past! What's done is done!

 

There's no need worrying about the future! We've only a very small impact onto what that will be ~ and what that impact will be?

 

Is grounded here in the present! The here the now, the right "freaking" now!

 

Bottom line?

 

"Get busy Living or Get Busy Dying!"

 

Just that plain and simple!

 

Put the past behind you and move forward!

 

Not to date and mate, to get laid, to find a wife, nor to find true love.

 

(BTW IMO was in a B&W movies about Vets coming back from WWII on the either TCM or the MC ~ Daughter wanted to run off with a returning Army Air Corps Captain. She told them ~ "I want a marriage and love like you and Mom have Dad!"

 

To which her mother replied ~ "You don't know how many times he's told me he was going to leave and how many times I told him to get out..............................and how many times we had to learn how to fall in love with over all these years!)

 

On TV the judge that rules over "Divorce Court" once said and told the plaintiffs ~ "I love my husband, I"m in love with my husband! But its taken me over seven years to learn to LIKE my husband!"

Edited October 15, 2010 by Gunny376