Fiance broke up via Fed Ex

[kaycstamper]

It's been nine days since I've seen Jim, he hasn't emailed, called, nothing. Interesting. Strange guy. You can't figure people out. Can't trust them either.

[curiousnycgirl]

How are YOU doing with that fact? I give you tons of credit for seeing him at all, I would not have been able to do it.

 

It's been about 9 weeks for me. It's getting tougher as thanksgiving approaches, its the one holiday we spent together no matter what, we always hosted it. I'm still having it at my house it's just one more way to underscore that I am a party of one.

 

Deep heavy sigh, oh well thankfully I am well practiced at it and do it well.

 

Hugs to you

CNYCG

[kaycstamper]

Well no sooner did I speak than he called, just to chat. As the holidays approach it's getting extremely tough. The first two months were hell, couldn't sleep, had to force myself to eat, had digestive problems from the stress, cried all the time. He seemed real nice when he got in touch with me again and then after three weeks did an about face again and it sent me spiraling emotionally. Then I kind of shut off, don't want him to hurt me again, I've distanced myself emotionally. Didn't know I could do that, I'm proud of myself. But I am scared of the holidays. Christmas especially. My company shuts down from Xmas to NY's and last year he stayed with me since it was his down season as well. This year I'm alone. Last year we were engaged and starting our own traditions, we went to parades, etc. This year I don't know how I'm going to handle this, am worried about it.

 

I am so proud of you for going ahead with Thanksgiving at your house! Do you have anyone you can invite? I have my kids coming for the day, but it's a five day weekend for me so there's another four days to kill. Day one will be cooking and baking. Day two hosting and more cooking. Day's 3-5, who knows. Damn men!

[curiousnycgirl]

I took Wednesday off to shop and prep, am bringing a holiday meal to the folks working att the doggie daycare (they have boarders). The 14 people to my house for dinner, yup that means I've got to cook 2 turkeys on Thursday! But then the weekend is all mine.

 

Of course I've got the normal chaos of my life as usuaul (caring for horse with broken bone in his leg, etc) so I'm sure I'll be bujsy but I'll still miss him

 

Indeed damn them all, or at least the poopy ones!

[kaycstamper]

You're taking care of a horse with a broken bone in his leg? Is your job at the doggie daycare? How cool that you love animals, I do too! I only had a horse once but my husband took care of him. He was wild when we got him but he trained him, he used to ride him into camp when he went elk hunting.

I've always had dogs and cats, since I was a kid. I can't imagine life without animals. It'd be devoid of joy and purpose!

 

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. You have the right idea! I belong to a grief site, I have for 5 1/2 years ever since my late husband passed away, and one of the things we tell people is when you are grieving and have loss in your life, volunteer, put yourself into others, it may not change your loss, but it gets your eyes off your situation, and you know what? It pays back!

[curiousnycgirl]

No I don't work at a doggie day care, I take my dog to one every day while I go to work. Otherwise he would destroy my house! He needs to burn off way more energy than I can help him burn in just walking 4 miles a day (2 miles monring and evening) - so daycare was our only option.

 

My horse shattered his splint bone in early June and has been on stall rest ever since - another high energy boy. Thank G-d he's been a real trooper about it. He's actually healed far better than we expected originally - so if we can keep him quiet - we may have avoided surgery altogether (knocking on wood). At this point, as the temperature has dropped, I've finally had to start tranq'ing him 2X a day - to keep him calm. The good news is I'm finally able to let him out of his stall to at least hand walk him. G-d willing in another few months I'll finally be able to throw a leg over him again.

 

Yes my animals are the only thing that keep me semi sane. I never had the chance to have kids - so they are my kids. Sloppy seconds, but they've all I've got.

 

I am a huge believer in doing volunteer work too. When my ex and I broke up for a while last year (december 1) I immediately signed up to work at a soup kitchen for christmas (something I could never talk him into doing). And my dog and I frequently visit hospitals and nursing homes. It's one of the things I had to cut back doing while I was with my ex, he would volunteer but not nearly as often as I do.

 

Happy holiday. Best!

CNYCG

[kaycstamper]

Well you are learning an important thing...that when you have a break up, it is a good time to evaluate what are those things you find meaningful and once again invest yourself in them. It's like getting in touch with yourself all over again!

 

How cool that you take your dog to doggie day care! I live in the country, they don't have such a thing, but I'm sure Arlie would love it...if it he didn't get kicked out first day!

[curiousnycgirl]

Indeed I most definitely am reconnecting with those things that have always been important to me. Although at the moment I am also sort of panicking at the realization that he has probably moved on. Sorry I should and will start a new thread for that - don't mean to thread jack, although this sort of feels like just the two of us!

 

Arlie would not be kicked out they would love him! They love the active ones, so long as they are not aggressive. You would not believe the number of people who spend the money on doggie day care just to have their dogs sleep there vs. at home - I am always stunned. If I could save all that money you can bet your bottom dollar I would!

 

Believe it or not daycare is cheaper than a dog walker where I live. I drop him off at 7 am, have until 7 pm to pick him up. During that time he plays (and becomes better socialized) for 6 hours, is let out to do his business three times and rests the other times. If I had a dog walker it would be for 15-20 minutes and cost $15-$20 each time. To me there is no question which is better and I thank goodness he is friendly. My brother's dog is aggressive, so they HAVE to use a dog walker - no choice there. They spend way more than I do, and get far less benefit. Lucky for them she's way calmer.

[kaycstamper]

You can keep posting here, it's nice to have some interaction. I hate talking to myself all the time.

It's $16 to kennel a dog here so $15-30 sounds like a lot for dog walking! Gee, I'd love to have a job doing that! But I live in the country and it's poor here so people just fork out for basics. Arlie isn't aggressive but very rambunctious and playful, very social. He'll entertain himself, tossing a toy up in the air and catching it, running with it, coming to you and growling and pulling it away to tease you. He's a lot of fun.

I've had a pretty rough time since last night...barely made it home, they didn't plow the roads and it was all I could do to get the truck turned around, I had to park on the road because there's no way I could get in the driveway, it's full of snow. The internet and electricity and t.v. were all out, and I had to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, no way to heat up my dinner, so went to sleep since I'd been up most of the night before anyway. Elec. came back on and then went back off after a lot of off/on stuff, that's so hard on appliances! Got up at 3:00 or 3:30 and started shoveling snow, got the ramp shoveled, took an hour, my carpal tunnel is killing me, so took a break then shoveled a path towards the driveway, took another break, then shoveled over to the wood pile. Still need to get wood in and shovel to the street but my wrists are killing me. It's hard being alone, no one to share chores, finances, or even just chat about your day. I had a hard time finding the dogpoop in the pen cuz everything is covered in snow, so hope I got it. Went up in the yard again and brushed on the satellite dishes with the broom some more. Lo and behold I finally got it back, but don't know for how long. My son said it's 18 here (he looked on the weather report) at the highest. Still no snowplow, where are they? Tried to call my office this morning but no one answered, probably everyone trying to call in at once, ha! Left a msg on my boss' cellphone. Hated to take off but no choice. It's only Nov. and it's already like this?

Jim called last night and this morning. Guess he's bored, can't understand him, don't understand why he broke up with me and can't even give me an explanation?

[PrettyinInk]

i do not know his mom or his situation, or yours, all the information i have is what i know about personal relationships, and what you have written here...

i think by pushing you away he did what he had to do; it sounds as though his mother might be the type to hold a grudge, or to exclude people from her life over the smallest infraction. i think he knew that, and he also took into account that she was dying, he did the right thing by keeping their relationship as positive as possible in the last few months of her life. some people are impossible to deal with, that can be hard, but given the choice to dissapoint my mother while she is lying on her death bed (if my mother were that kind of woman) or to momentarily hurt someone I love, i would have to choose the latter.

sometimes you have to choose your battles, that one just does not seem like one worth fighting.

 

that being said, the way in which he chose to end your relationship was in poor taste. if you love him, start over, find out about him, perhaps there are some things you don't know, or you might not have been so caught off guard or upset by the way he seemed to favor his mother.

 

best of luck to you!

[kaycstamper]

Are you kidding me? "Or I might not have been so caught off guard or upset by the way he seemed to favor his mother"? There IS no starting over, he broke up with me, period. We are not together. Did you read the whole thing? We were engaged for a year and I got a Fed Ex pkg with his cell phone and a scribbled note saying "sorry it didn't work out", that was it. He didn't speak to me for two months until she died. Then he called and talked to me every other day, sometimes for hours, for about three weeks, and then nothing for a few weeks, and now it's once in a while, but there is nothing there now. Nothing. After spending three nights a week together for a year, there is now nothing. How do you build on that? How do you begin to forgive the disrespect with which I was treated, how do you build trust on that, never knowing when he might suddenly dump me again, never knowing where you really stand or how he really feels (he never gave me an explanation and said he never will). Nope, it's history, this, in my books, is not acceptable behavior. If you were treated this way, I doubt you'd find it acceptable either. I would have never chosen my mother over him, partly because she's nuts, and partly because I considered my fiance of utmost importance in my life, after all, we were to spend the rest of our lives together. I was completely supportive of his taking care of her, but how can you have a relationship if you aren't important enough to ever see, not even for a few minutes? Nope, he let me know how "important" I was!

[PrettyinInk]

I feel like we need to back way up and start again as friends and see what happens.

 

Of course i read the whole thing, specifically the part quoted above. Forgive me for offering you an opinion on an open forum where you asked for advice, but it seemed to me from your original post that you were looking for a reason to forgive him.

If it was over you would have just said it is over, i cannot forgive him.

[kaycstamper]

I was open to that up until he sent me spiralling again after 3 or 4 weeks of resuming contact. I don't feel I can continue to open myself up for him hurting me whenever it strikes him. I needed someone more stable than that. I have been there for him through thick and thin and I think I've already seen what happens by now. I think it's big of me to even consider being friends after what he's put me through. He hasn't even offered to pay the cancellation fee on his cell phone or reimburse me for the wedding band I bought for him that I don't know what to do with now. I think that in itself says a lot. I've been very understanding and good to him...frankly, I don't deserve this.

I have a mom that's as crazy as his was, I stood up for him to her...I would have expected the same. It's not like she ever had a reason to dislike me, she refused to even meet me, you'd have thought she'd have wanted her son happy and with someone rather than alone the rest of his life.

 

Yes, I posted on an open forum and wanted other's advice and have received it, but common sense dictates sensitivity, particularly when those of us posting here have been through great trauma and hurt. And no I wasn't looking for a reason to forgive him...I believe in forgiveness whether it's warranted or not, but that doesn't mean we should continue to put ourselves out there to get kicked again and again. What I wanted to know is if his breakup was due to circumstance or if there was something else going on...I think he's let me know in his way that he has issues and it's not all due to his mom dying. I love this man but don't intend to settle for being treated shabbily and I disagree with you that this was acceptable from someone you've been engaged to for over a year.

Edited November 25, 2010 by kaycstamper

[kaycstamper]

It's been a while since I've written. It's amazing how hard it is to get over someone you love, especially when you still don't realize what happened and haven't gotten the benefit of closure. In the past, if I had someone that cheated on me, I could think "Crumb Bum!" and eventually move on. But neither of us cheated. And I know he likes me. I know he thinks I'm cute. He had feelings for me. So what happened? Why didn't he want to spend his life with me and why didn't he get real with me, why did he lead me on? He said he didn't, but that's not true, you don't simply change your heart on a dime, when you have a change of heart like this, it's a gradual realization of things not being right, not "in love" and "wanting to spend your life together" one minute, and not the next. That doesn't make sense! Maybe he's one of those commitment phobia guys...so why did he propose, why was he engaged to me for a year? Is he impulsive and then regretted his impulsivity? How could he let me think he loved me for that long? How could he lie to me when we talked of our future, pretending we really had one? How could he live with himself after doing this to me? In his mind, is it all about him? What happened? I know there's nothing I could have or should have done different, I was good to him. I don't know if he has imagined wrongs, but if so, they're a construct built to justify his course of action, not based on reality, because I treated him very well and our relationship was good...we were comfortable with each other, we didn't fight, we enjoyed each other's company, I am just so bewildered. How do you move on when you don't even know what happened? I know I am not alone here, there are many many others that are going through the same thing...how is it that so much of the population can be so screwed up! I feel like guys like this should come with a warning, they should never be in a relationship, they aren't ready, they have issues and need to first deal with them before involving another. But that doesn't seem to stop them from wooing and winning over someone and then breaking their heart.

[kaycstamper]

Update:

It's been two years, two months since our break up. We talk on the phone 2-3 times/week. He has yet to come see me. We've seen each other at his place once, and he dropped by my office once. Neither of us date anyone or are interested in doing so.

 

Nothing much has changed. I care about him, but don't view him the same as I did. I thought he was someone I could count on and he shattered that. He's there for his mom, kids, grandkids, neighbors, friends...but not me. I still have a protective wall around my heart...been hurt too many times.\

 

I think I was wise to realize that he's not relationship material and not let him hurt me again, but I do still care for him and enjoy his company, we're still friends.

 

It still amazes me how someone can fool you and not be forthright.