Mother made me choose between her and my bf

[annakay16]

I should apologise beforehand for it will be a substantially long post.

 

Right.

 

I am 24 year this year and from a chinese asian family, so perhaps this will give you an insight into understanding my problems better.

 

I have been with my bf for more than 2 years now. My mother knew I was with him about 2 years ago and gave me an ultimatum to leave him. So I laid low and went out with him anyway because I didnt want to give up on someone before I got to know him better.

 

Similarly, when I was overseas studying, my mother intervened with my relationship and gave me an ultimatum to choose my ex or her. It was a painful decision as I figured that my parents were aging and that I was still young, so I would want to be there for them when they got old and needed me instead of me being absent and when they are at their death bed, I would have regretted all my time spent living overseas and not being with them in their last moments. That was the closest I could get filial piety and you could imagine how terrible it was to say goodbye to the love of my life back then at the airport. My studies were over, i had to give up the job in the capital to go home. I thought that decision was a good one. And when I died, I wouldn't regret not spending enough time with my parents. The easy thing about the break up was that my ex was not a committment kind of person. So there was a valid reason to break up with him as I wanted a family and he did not.

 

So I came back and met my current bf. He is a sweet wonderful guy who shows promising potentials of being a wonderful husband and father. The only down side of him (if its even at all a downside) is that he only has an advanced diploma and I have a postgraduate certificate. You can understand my chinese mother's plight.

 

He runs his own soft furnishing business and has improved over this 2 years and went on to buy another new car and a new home. It's in the midst of renovation and its coming out quite nice. He has worked so hard after meeting me and I am proud of his achievements.

 

At the beginning my mother gave me hell for seeing such a man. She claimed that should I have stooped so low, she should have stopped me after high school. She went on and on about me suffering later in life, and would have to work extremely hard to bring up the children like she did (my dad being a teacher was the worst decision she made - but at least he was a graduate).

 

Mind you, educational back ground matters least to me when you can communicate freely with him. Furthermore, I find it rather exhausting to always be engaging in intellectual conversations when all you want to come back and talk about is just jack**** and jokes to lighten up your day. I hope it is quite evident that I am not those sort of person who looks down on people who are lower than me. Obviously my mother is as she is also a graduate.

 

So I laid low for about 2 years. I admit having to have snuck around behind her back and told a few white lies to see him. I still live with my family as it was dangerous to live alone as a woman in Asian countries.

 

I had a fight with my bf once long ago and it snowballed and he said something like, "it takes alot of great love to be sustaining this 'underground' love". And that was when I realised that he loved me so much, and that I could probably not find anyone else like him again.

 

My father and brothers know of him and approve of him. But no one dared to anger my mother for she is the dominant role in the family. I feel sad for my father for being bullied into the corner by my mother. She is bossy and controlling. She controls everyone, even the dogs. She controls my friends, my potential husbands and even my sense of fashion.

 

Despite all these negative traits of a mother, I still love her very much.

 

So about a week ago, I finally told my mother that I was with him and she blew up. She slammed the door in my face. Called me cheap. Said I had low mentality to stoop so low. Where she was going to hide her face. What she was going to tell the relatives. How they would laugh at her. How my eyes were filled with **** to love someone like him. How the whole road were filled with good guys, and why him. How I was a good liar, and that she should give me a gold medal for my top grade lying and acting. She said she despises him. What kind of business is soft furnishing? It is neither like timber not is it like a forwarding business. What house can he buy? He can only buy terrace and not a semi -detached. He is not allowed to step into our home as he is not qualified to do so.

 

Needless to say, I was hurt. As much as those words were angry words, it cut my heart to pieces. How can my mother be so shallow? How can she judge a person like this on whether he could be a good husband and father? How can she expect so much from a 24 year old to earn 2 cars and a house? How many men out there can work so hard to afford it? How can she forgo my happiness over her pride?

 

I was sad initally but then my sadness and yearning for my mother's love and approval turned into anger and hate. How can she buy my love with money? That was evident over the years on how she gave me all her bull**** and then tried to buy me back by buying me things and then saying how great she is to buy me all these things. And then commented that if i can't find a man who could afford me I would be dead. I got madder and madder. I tried making up by asking her to lunch and calling mum whenever i see her in the mornings. She just ignored me and my existence. At meals I sat alone to eat while she waited for her precious 2nd son to return. This was very pathetic. No one at home dared to talk to me in fear of her wrath. She was trying to ostracise me so I would eventually give in to her for fear of loneliness. She seemed to have forgotten that I spent several years overseas and not talking to people was my forte.

 

I do not blame my 2nd brother for being her favourite. He was a fitness freak (I am chubby - not allowed in asian countries), an engineer who drove a big car and owned a big house somewhere. He was her pride. She could only show him off. Me and my big bro were failures to her. Nevertheless she loved us still, but it was evident that she favoured my 2nd brother more. I do not blame her on that.

 

She always lamented on me being fat and that my waist was ever expanding.She was truly disgraced that she had a fat daughter when she was slim when she was at my age. No one could resist her. She said, in order to marry a millionair's son, you'd have to be slim. If not you won't marry out, and worst, you have to marry a poor man whom you have to work hard for. He can't complain about you because you're much better for him. And even if you told him to wash your vagina, he would do this degrading act because he is low class and that he'd be laughing out loud for marrying someone of your qualifications.

 

My mother is so degrading. She makes me feel that there was no such thing as unconditional love. There was only love for those who deserved it. She threatened to cut me out of the the family will, but she doesn't understand that as much as I am realistic, I will not cower to her because of the money. Even if I left my bf, the same **** will happen again and again with the next guy.

 

It's as if she was trying to make me walk the road that she didn't walk. She said that we both had many similarities and that the only difference was that I was unfilial. WTF? How am I unfilial to love someone? He is neither a criminal, nor a con. He is neither of a different religion nor race. He is neither in another country nor state. My mother told me when I was young that I was only allowed to marry engineers, lawyers, doctors or architects. The rest were only wasting my time.

 

My mother once told me that there was placenta previa before I was born. Now I regret having hung on and persevered for giving her happiness as I felt that I am being punished now that I am born. And for that, every night I sleep with a pen knife held in my hand. There is no denial that there has been suicidal thoughts in my head. But I'm a coward to die. I was afraid of both mental and physical pain.

 

My bf has always been supportive during this time, and I felt I was a major disappointment to him. I couldn't even stand up to him to tell my mother to **** herself because, I love her, ultimately. As much as I wanted to say those few words to her, I am afraid of killing her with my words. He told me, when the time is right, when the house is done, come live with him.

 

As much as I want to believe in this upcoming fairytale, I can not possibly live my mother behind in this way. I feel so guilty. So guilty for loving a wonderful man, and being the biggest disappointment in her life. I have never been the daughter she longed for. I have never been skinny the way she wanted. I never had the same tastes in men like she has. But in other things, we were like peas in a pod. It hurts me to know I was never the daughter she wanted. I tried so hard to win her approval, but some how, someone else's daughter was always better.

 

My mother lamented terribly about her own marriage and wished I never married a poor man like my father. Because higher education means more money and status and pride to her rather than marrying a teacher. But back then marrying a graduate was a big thing in the 70s.

 

I am hurt. Beyond words that my mother gave me the ultimatum - AGAIN to choose between him or her. It has been a week since she's ignoring me. I'm likely to give her a longer time to be miserable about HER life before I finally call it quits to kill myself. There is no point living in life when my decision hurts both parties.

 

How can I choose? The man who loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? Or the woman who carried me in her womb for 9 months, then struggle to work to find money to bring me up? If my BF was an ******* then I'd tell him to **** off. But no. Unfortunately, God has placed me in this situation to what I think is a comedy to him. I prayed to him, but there were no answers.

 

I tried talking to my mother about what I wanted, and all I could hear was "her, her, her". Everything was about my mother. What she wanted, what she felt and what was important to her. FML. I was no where in the conversation about my welfare. She has never cared about my happiness, nor what I wanted to be when I grew up. She has planned my life, according to her wishes.

 

All I've done this week after I come home from work, is just sleep. I feel so tired. And after I wake up, I still feel so tired. What is wrong with me?

 

I'm at my wit's end. Please help Am I a bad daughter like she said? Was I really unfilial?

Edited October 15, 2010 by annakay16

[Billie The Puppet]

This must have been/be so difficult on you. That's tough when Blood doesn't approve etc.

 

In My opinion Blood should always be the better person/people and suck it up because they are less expendable (I know this sounds like the opposite and it should be the more expendable that gets expensed but hear me out) Being less expendable means that person will always be around because they are Blood. they may cease all connections with you but there will come a time they may need to or want to reconnect they also have to live with the hurt they have caused always with the what ifs etc. The other party that is more expendable is just that you let them go, they a hurt for awhile but eventually move on.

 

Blood should always back their own's choices until true negatives such as abuse begin to surface, but I don't like your SO because _________ is not a valid reason they should put up with them and tolerate them for your happiness.

 

My father always disapproved of my ex, he is somewhat enjoying our split up. However my father is a very negative person and he has said things that offended the ex and I and I stood up for her and oddly enough still do when he speaks demeaning of her now.

 

Had I been engaged and given the ultimatum from a parent I would simply say thank you for the upbringing you have given me to this date but I am old enough to make my own decisions and or mistakes in your eyes and be on the side of my SO and let the parent or parents then live life without me.

[annakay16]

Hi Billie,

 

Thanks for your advice. I do agree that blood should always back their own decisions, but I am starting to feel the lack of unconditional love from my mother.

 

It is as if I were to be born a puppet to her, to fulfill her every whim and fancy and have no thoughts or desires of my own.

 

When the time comes for the answer to her ultimatum, I pray for the strength to give her the answer that will most likely sent her into a shock and perhaps 6ft into the grave! But lets hope she lives with it and move on instead of dying on me!

 

I must have been brought up with the 'family first' thinking and hence, i always aim to please my parents, but to no avail.

 

Thank you for your kind advice. It surely reaffirmed my thoughts.

[amerikajin]

I'm at my wit's end. Please help Am I a bad daughter like she said? Was I really unfilial?

 

You need to start living life for yourself. I understand what Asian families can be like, but if you don't start making your own decisions, then you will continue to be tied to your mother and she is trying to control your life. I know the games that families can play. The best advice I can give is to try to be as diplomatic as possible with your family and don't be the one to close the door - no matter how ugly they get, leave the door open for them if (more likely when) they finally cave in and realize that they're not going to have their way with you. But ultimately, I think you have to stand up and be your own person. Just make good decisions about family, career, and whatever else you decide on your own. You don't want to be in the position of having to wear egg on your face later.

[Billie The Puppet]

Yes that is traditional with Eastern hemisphere cultures "Family First"

 

Your upbringing has brought you to where you are now, words can not kill her but it will in the sense of if she disowns you. Simply thank her for where she got you today but it's time for you to leave the nest and make mistakes on your own. She has lived her life and now wants to live yours.

 

What kills me in this post is lets say you and your BF had a child would your family shun this child or give it unconditional love yet still shun you.

 

Either way you are going to have what if's only its more likely family will reach out after a lengthly time of being shunned or No Contact.

 

This is your life not your mothers. You said you are capable of not talking due to your time over seas.

 

If you go off and start your own family treat it as if you live a world away. you could always keep in contact via email even if no response is getting back you'll know you reached out and gave them news and updates.

 

I'm in furniture repair and it's a hugely profitable business if we work a lot and hard it's on par with Doctors, Lawyers, etc. I only have a college diploma and can make a more than decent living on my job once I take over the business as an apprentice I make a decent living. Heck in my city City Bus Drivers make more than university professors and they need no diploma.

 

I'm surprised she can't see past the fact that he is more successful than most other people. To own a home is a great feat nowadays.

[annakay16]

Hi amerikajin,

 

yeah you're right. I will have to stand up for myself... once i get past the phase that I'm actually a good daughter and stop beating myself up for it. my mother loves using emotional blackmail as a way to tie me to her. its like afraid that the bird in your hand would fly away, but at the same time the harder you grab the bird, the faster its going to die!

 

Definitely will try not to end it from my side, but if she chooses it, then I have to live with it I suppose. My brothers have left home before because she made them choose their gfs or her. I guess its easier for them because they are men, daughters being closer bonded to the mothers.

 

THanks for your advice. Will keep it in mind. xx

[annakay16]

I'm surprised she can't see past the fact that he is more successful than most other people. To own a home is a great feat nowadays.

 

It's sad, Billie. My mother prefers educational standards than being business man. Very vacuous. I am very proud he owns a home due to his hard work. I don't know.

 

My thoughts are all in pieces.. can't really gather them together.

[LoveAintEverything]

That is disgusting!!!...your mother seems like a bitch

[DaisyLeigh]

I don't ever want to hear how bad Americans are ever again. I don't understand this mentality of being so ****ing mean to your kids. Sounds like some use the excuse of "culture" to belittle and disparage other people.

 

And yes, I realize that not all Asian families are like the OP's.

[amerikajin]

It's sad, Billie. My mother prefers educational standards than being business man. Very vacuous. I am very proud he owns a home due to his hard work. I don't know.

 

My thoughts are all in pieces.. can't really gather them together.

 

The bottom line is this: do you love him? Is he someone you can live a life with? Is he someone who won't drive you nuts when you share quarters with him? Do you both have the same value system? If the answers are all 'checks', then commit to him. You should never disobey your mother over a casual boyfriend, but if it's more than a casual man, if it's the love of your life and you think your life will be better with him, then go for it and never look back. Look at this objectively: is this just a boyfriend or is this someone that anyone else in your circle would be impressed by?

[Green]

Your mom is actualy making you choose between your self and her. You need to pick yourself.

[Lotus Flower]

IM IN YOUR BOAT!!! SAME EMOTIONS ETC...

 

I totally get how your feeling as my whole family in against my different religion boyfriend and I'm Asian too (Indian Asian) living in UK. They are going to disown me, the whole lot of them...and they are most definitely serious....It's been over 2 years since they found out and I still just can't pick up the courage and move out and tell them that I chose ME. Just like how your're feeling I feel the same. I know they are wrong but yet I also come from a culture that says family first! I like you am also scared of making "that move" and to make it worse my dads recently been having minor heart pains so I just don;t know what I'm going to do....I know it doesnt help as your mum does seem just like my dad. Extremely contolling however atleast you have your dad etc on your side. My whole family said they will 100% dissown me and I believe them as I have seen them do it to their own siblings or their own parents do it to them...why do we stick around fr people that are willing to give us up?? I think we both ask this questions to ourselves daily.

 

i know I'm not helping but I cannot say, "leave or do what you gota do etc" as I myself appreciate how hard it is even though your mum is in the wrong...What your mum said about you marrying a doctor, engineer etc, the same has been drummed into my head since I coul'd speak! but instead of occupations I got a lisyt of religions...basically no whites, blacks, muslims etc etc.....so they really do fee they set the rules from a young age and it's us that broke them so we are wrong as we were pre warned about the conciquences!!

 

If you ever want to chat then let me know and we can exchange contact...I may even be in your city soon but not sure where you are exactly. I'm assuming China? Or apologies if I'm compeltey wrong.

 

Take care x

Edited October 26, 2010 by Lotus Flower
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