Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 This one 20something girl who posts here had a fwb relationship with a MM, and they eventually started to fall in love. Then she ended up pregnant, he became violent, especially after she refused an abortion, called their baby a bloodstain... Before I came here I wouldn't have considered an affair, reading the posts here have FOR SURE deterred me from messing with a MM!! Yikes. Well, the guy I'm talking about has already had a vasectomy, so at least pregnancy isn't a risk, but that's really just a minor consideration. To be honest, I'm more frightened about the whole thing becoming an emotional roller coaster and everyone getting hurt, including the W. I guess the "thrill" is because of the risk, but it does NOT sound worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I honestly didn't know that! I thought that married men would care LESS, since they have other things to worry about and the OW is just a side thing! Does that mean that my MM finally made a move BECAUSE I had hooked up with his friend a few weeks before? I thought maybe he just figured I'm easy or decided that I'm a just piece of meat (neither of which are okay with me, by the way). I guess I was being naive to think that the situation could be kept short-term and purely physical. I mean, maybe it could, but it sounds like the potential for things to get out of control is pretty high. Sure it could be that. He always had a thing for you but now that someone else has acted on it... he gets jealous and wants you for himself. If you can just have sex with him, after your lengthy friendship and this appeal that is drawing you to him, and then forget about him and go on like nothing happened and everything is okay, then you are a much stronger person than I am! And maybe you are. But you also say you're concerned about hurting his wife and you don't want to be "that girl"... that's the part I wish I would have thought more about before I was with ex MM. Because his wife did find out and it has destroyed his family. All because we wanted to explore this thing we felt and we were selfish. Plain and simple. I would not recommend it because it's not worth the wish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Sure it could be that. He always had a thing for you but now that someone else has acted on it... he gets jealous and wants you for himself. If you can just have sex with him, after your lengthy friendship and this appeal that is drawing you to him, and then forget about him and go on like nothing happened and everything is okay, then you are a much stronger person than I am! And maybe you are. But you also say you're concerned about hurting his wife and you don't want to be "that girl"... that's the part I wish I would have thought more about before I was with ex MM. Because his wife did find out and it has destroyed his family. All because we wanted to explore this thing we felt and we were selfish. Plain and simple. I would not recommend it because it's not worth the wish. Honestly, he didn't appeal to me before last weekend when we fooled around. I really never thought he'd cross the line and I was NOT expecting it. And then the "selfish" kicked in and I stopped protesting. Before this, I really just that he was this sweet cuddly guy that liked me a little too much. And his W obviously does NOT like me much, although she's not rude to me or anything. I've actually worked to make sure that the wife knows that there's nothing shady going on, since there really wasn't anything shady until last weekend and I could tell she was a little suspicious of me. Guess she had good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 Of course you can have simple NSA sex with him or anyone who strikes your fancy. I would however, question why you would with a MM? Why would you allow yourself to play a role in the betrayal of others? Life is complex enough as it is w/o going out and looking for drama. Find a good looking single guy and have the time of your life. One last thing...sex, even incredible sex, does NOT heal your heart. A string of lovers is no substitute for time alone and grieving. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 Honestly, he didn't appeal to me before last weekend when we fooled around. I really never thought he'd cross the line and I was NOT expecting it. And then the "selfish" kicked in and I stopped protesting. Before this, I really just that he was this sweet cuddly guy that liked me a little too much. And his W obviously does NOT like me much, although she's not rude to me or anything. I've actually worked to make sure that the wife knows that there's nothing shady going on, since there really wasn't anything shady until last weekend and I could tell she was a little suspicious of me. Guess she had good reason. Yeah. Ex MM's wife never liked me much either, which at first made it easier for me to be with ex MM because I thought of her as some witch. But as time went on I was like ummm no wonder she was suspicious and distrusting of me... Ugh. Don't be me. Don't lower yourself to that level. He will just use you and you may think you're just "using" him (for fun, distraction, sex, whatever) too, but then you have to look at yourself in the mirror and think, how could I have interfered in someone else's marriage and family just for my own selfish little fling? It's not fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 No, I guess it's not. And it doesn't help that I actually know his family and friends, he's not just some guy that I met at a bar or something. I'd have to live with myself knowing that I'm capable of that kind of deceit--I'd have to look at his kids and wife and pretend that nothing is wrong, and I don't know if I'm that good of a liar. Or he'd take steps to make sure that I didn't interact with them any more, but that would mean I don't see any of my other friends in his town. Bleck, there are too many complications and sacrifices involved. The LAST thing I wanted was some dramatic mess to deal with! I really thought it could be a bit of fun for a little while and then forget about it. I don't know what I was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 No, I guess it's not. And it doesn't help that I actually know his family and friends, he's not just some guy that I met at a bar or something. I'd have to live with myself knowing that I'm capable of that kind of deceit--I'd have to look at his kids and wife and pretend that nothing is wrong, and I don't know if I'm that good of a liar. Or he'd take steps to make sure that I didn't interact with them any more, but that would mean I don't see any of my other friends in his town. Bleck, there are too many complications and sacrifices involved. The LAST thing I wanted was some dramatic mess to deal with! I really thought it could be a bit of fun for a little while and then forget about it. I don't know what I was thinking. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 One last thing...sex, even incredible sex, does NOT heal your heart. A string of lovers is no substitute for time alone and grieving. Yeah, don't I know it! But it serves as a distraction from time to time, and I'm tired of being alone and grieving. I feel like I've been alone and grieving for years. Some positive male attention would be nice for a change. Not that I'm trying to justify anything, but that's just how my thinking works these days. I recognize that it is not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me Star Bright. It really helped. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I mean, I would NEVER actually date this guy, because he would probably just cheat on me anyway. And I don't want him to leave his family, nor does he seem interested in leaving them. The whole thing is risky because if anyone found out, I would never be able to visit his town or my friends there again. But the risk is kind of hot too... Then you need to decide what is more important here. A hot roll in the hay with a MM and risk your own reputation, self worth and self respect, or just accept there's an attraction and leave it at that. Up to you. You're a grown woman and know the consquences. If you do this, OWN it and don't blame him if you two get caught. No, I guess it's not. And it doesn't help that I actually know his family and friends, he's not just some guy that I met at a bar or something. I'd have to live with myself knowing that I'm capable of that kind of deceit--I'd have to look at his kids and wife and pretend that nothing is wrong, and I don't know if I'm that good of a liar. Or he'd take steps to make sure that I didn't interact with them any more, but that would mean I don't see any of my other friends in his town. Bleck, there are too many complications and sacrifices involved. The LAST thing I wanted was some dramatic mess to deal with! I really thought it could be a bit of fun for a little while and then forget about it. I don't know what I was thinking. Glad to hear that you're putting more thought into this. It isn't just about YOU and HIM, there are kids involved and his wife, that you know on a personal level too. I really hope you stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Glad to hear that you're putting more thought into this. It isn't just about YOU and HIM, there are kids involved and his wife, that you know on a personal level too. I really hope you stay away from him. I'm actually started to feel a little annoyed that he's put me in this position in the first place. Apparently HE has no problem with it, but he's really asking me to make some significant sacrifices! I guess he doesn't think much of me either if he thinks this is something I'm cool with. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 He's selfish and putting himself first. Be angry at him, but be angry at yourself too. You also put yourself in that situation, it takes two. He isn't thinking of you, his wife or kids. If he were, he wouldn't have crossed that line with you, let it get that far. He probably likes the attention too, you did say you were feeling alone and stuff, and he is/has provided some excitement, made you feel good. It's the wrong kind of attention you're getting from him and as you say, his wife doesn't like you much which means she's picked up on something between you two. She isn't stupid .. Move on and let go of him completely. When the timing is right, a better guy (single) will come into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 To be fair, I really didn't think he would ever try anything with me. And we were both pretty drunk at the time, but we've drank before and been alone together and nothing has happened. Although he certainly wasn't drunk when we've spoken subsequently, nor was I. His W has never had any reason to suspect me in the past, so I never really took it personally that she didn't care for me very much. I really thought she was just picking up on the fact that her husband liked me a little too much and it annoyed her, and I can't blame her. I also didn't realize that he had done this before, and maybe he got caught, I really have no idea. The conversation went like this: "Do you do this often?" "No, not at all." "Have you done this before?"...*silence* I wonder if it's too late to just go back to the way it was before. I don't want to lose him as a friend over this. I guess it will depend on him though. Link to post Share on other sites
lilbunny Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I think I'm a bit late to this, but I would say I was deeplt emotionally invested in MM before anything physical happened, it was messy and no I never imagined anything happening between us. There are examples of NSA situations where OW is content with the way things are, it is possible. It is also possible for things to get out of hand either by becoming attached or DDay and the accompanying drama. Honestly, if you have no feelings for this man I think you are doing the right thing leaving well alone. There are plenty of single men out there more than happy with the same type of arrangement with far less potential for mayhem. I think the friendship issue depends on how he reacts. Is he likely to keep persuing and read this as playing hard to get? If so some breathing space and either way an open conversation is probably wise to make boundaries clear. If he keeps chasing are you likely to weaken on this? LB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Honestly, if you have no feelings for this man I think you are doing the right thing leaving well alone. There are plenty of single men out there more than happy with the same type of arrangement with far less potential for mayhem. I think the friendship issue depends on how he reacts. Is he likely to keep persuing and read this as playing hard to get? If so some breathing space and either way an open conversation is probably wise to make boundaries clear. If he keeps chasing are you likely to weaken on this? LB I really don't know. I can't imagine that he would get angry with me for not wanting to participate in this kind of situation, but I suppose he could take it as personal rejection if he wanted to. And he can think whatever he wants about me trying to play hard to get...I simply would not put myself in the position of being alone with him again, so it would not be an issue. He lives far enough away from me that seeing him on a regular basis is unlikely, even though I've spent the past few weekends in his town. But I would have to go out of my way to see him and vice-versa, so I have a certain amount of control over the situation--it's not like we'll ever run into each other or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
lilbunny Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I really don't know. I can't imagine that he would get angry with me for not wanting to participate in this kind of situation, but I suppose he could take it as personal rejection if he wanted to. And he can think whatever he wants about me trying to play hard to get...I simply would not put myself in the position of being alone with him again, so it would not be an issue. He lives far enough away from me that seeing him on a regular basis is unlikely, even though I've spent the past few weekends in his town. But I would have to go out of my way to see him and vice-versa, so I have a certain amount of control over the situation--it's not like we'll ever run into each other or anything. It sounds like there is some distance there anyway. Although it was a much more emotional situation, I just know xmm and I will struggle with a friendship unless neither one of us still wants anything more, that was where I was coming from. If you see him around I see no reason that things can't be friendly, if perhaps distant for a while until it blows over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 That's probably what would happen. I mean, we were not the type of friends that would call each other to chat or anything. He would call me if there's an event or party or something happening in his town and I would either be able to make it or I wouldn't. We're not best friends or anything. We enjoy chatting when we're together, but there's always other people around. I know this sounds lame, but I wonder if I could just avoid him until he gets the message, or do I have to have a "talk" with him? I'd rather pretend that nothing ever happened and hope that he backs off, but it's a little more cowardly. Then again, maybe somebody that wants to cheat on their W doesn't deserve full disclosure. Link to post Share on other sites
lilbunny Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I know this sounds lame, but I wonder if I could just avoid him until he gets the message, or do I have to have a "talk" with him? I'd rather pretend that nothing ever happened and hope that he backs off, but it's a little more cowardly. Then again, maybe somebody that wants to cheat on their W doesn't deserve full disclosure. See how he plays it, if he drops it then do the same. If it becomes an issue then it might be a good idea to be clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 See how he plays it, if he drops it then do the same. If it becomes an issue then it might be a good idea to be clear. Well, the way we left it was that he asked me to find out what my schedule is like for next week and give him a call. I agreed, since I tend to take the path of least resistance until I decide what I want to do. He also knows that I should know my schedule tonight. I could call him and say that I'm really busy next week and the week after but I'll let him know when I'm free, and then drop it. Or I could simply not call him back, but it's more likely that he'd call me back. Link to post Share on other sites
lilbunny Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 Well, the way we left it was that he asked me to find out what my schedule is like for next week and give him a call. I agreed, since I tend to take the path of least resistance until I decide what I want to do. He also knows that I should know my schedule tonight. I could call him and say that I'm really busy next week and the week after but I'll let him know when I'm free, and then drop it. Or I could simply not call him back, but it's more likely that he'd call me back. I guess if it was me I'd be straight with him, putting it off seems like dragging it out. I'm not sure I do subtle though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Well, we'll see. I don't have to decide today...I'll see how I feel over the weekend. I'll probably avoid for a bit because otherwise he'll think that my mind is easily changed and he will try to change it back. I'd rather let him think I've had a few days to give it some though. Link to post Share on other sites
joey66 Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 Because your actions will never fully equate to just sex- it's an extramarital affair, anger/hurt for his wife/kids- you become the mistress/other woman/homewrecker. Not trying to condemn you with the name branding, but asides from the " thrills' of playing along what else do you hope to come out of things? If you're a thrill seeker, you could just sign up for sky diving lessons. Two questions. 1. Does skydiving usually result in an orgasm? 2. Where do I sign up? Link to post Share on other sites
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 I'm glad you've rethought it as well. As a former BS who begged my husband's married affair partner to just "give me a chance" to work on my marriage in one of my weaker moments, I appreciate that you are giving her quarter. Incidentally, two SINGLE people often have difficulty navigating "just sex" relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
MorningCoffee Posted October 15, 2010 Share Posted October 15, 2010 Two questions. 1. Does skydiving usually result in an orgasm? 2. Where do I sign up? Those questions were my first thoughts, too. LOL! :bunny::bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 15, 2010 Author Share Posted October 15, 2010 Two questions. 1. Does skydiving usually result in an orgasm? 2. Where do I sign up? I've tried sky diving, and I cannot say that it resulted in orgasm. It was actually quite windy and cold. Link to post Share on other sites
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