Star_Bright Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me Star Bright. It really helped. I'm glad my crappy experience and hard-won wisdom helped someone. J/K seriously I'm glad to help and good for you for wising up about this ahead of time, before it's too late!
Stung Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 To be fair, I really didn't think he would ever try anything with me. And we were both pretty drunk at the time, but we've drank before and been alone together and nothing has happened. ... ... His W has never had any reason to suspect me in the past, so I never really took it personally that she didn't care for me very much... I wonder if it's too late to just go back to the way it was before. I don't want to lose him as a friend over this. I guess it will depend on him though. I'm glad you've decided not to go through with this, and come to recognize the myriad problems that could arise from pursuing an affair with this guy--but please allow me to point out what I see as a couple of flaws in your thinking. 1. It is not true that in the past you got drunk and hung out alone with him and nothing happened. The truth is that in the past you got drunk alone with him and he got a little too friendly and you didn't mind/liked the attention so he noticed that your boundaries were on the weak side and started to get a little bit more interested in you because of it. The truth is that in the past you got drunk alone with him and caused friction between him and his wife, that gave her perfectly good reasons to dislike and mistrust you, and that put a small strain on his marriage. 2. You just can't have a real, innocent friendship with this guy, even if you both go through the motions. While you didn't have intercourse with him--which is good, obviously--things already got 'hot and heavy.' By many, even most people's standards, you and he have already gotten very illicit, and he has already cheated on his wife with you. You are a source of deceit for him, and since his wife already dislikes and mistrusts you, you are already a source of friction in his marriage. Now you think of him in a sexual way, and you have a piece of information about him that his wife doesn't have--that's not innocent, that's not platonic. Your 'friendship' is doomed to be a continuing source of deceit for him and of potential major friction that could put further strain on his marriage.
bittermelon Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 But what if it really was just sex? I mean, I would NEVER actually date this guy, because he would probably just cheat on me anyway. And I don't want him to leave his family, nor does he seem interested in leaving them. The whole thing is risky because if anyone found out, I would never be able to visit his town or my friends there again. But the risk is kind of hot too... this is more of a desire to scratch an itch. I'd hate to do something that's going to be painful in the end though, for anyone really. Sorry I don't mean to sound judgemental, but have you read all of the other postings on LS and the type of emotional anguish and turmoil that others go through trying to deal with their partners cheating on them? Have you read the postings by OW and how they can't help but love the MM and can't leave him because they've developed strong feelings towards him? You say you are interested in the sex and nothing else. You want to "scratch an itch" and think that the risk is "kind of hot". Don't you think that's extremely selfish, to become involved with another woman's husband just because you want to know what the sex would be like? Even if your intention is not to break apart the family, think about what could happen if you did get caught. Think about how his wife would feel, if they have kids, think about how the affair would impact them. Yes, it's possible to "just have sex" but there are plenty of single men out there who you can experience with. Why choose him? Also, because there was already a friendship involved between the two of you in the first place, I doubt this can be "just sex". When there's sex and friendship, there's a high potential for feelings to develop. Take a look at the other LS postings around here and all the mental, emotional pain that the OW, the MW, the women who have been cheated on, etc. had to go through because their men cheated on them. Do you really want to be the source of that pain? I bet a lot of the OW on these postings never grew up wanting to be involved with married men, yet, once they started something the feelings started to evolve and what they thought was going to be a simple sex only affair turned out to be a lot more than that. Please, for the sake of everyone else, don't go through with this! It's so damaging to everyone involved and not worth it for 10 minutes of bliss!
bittermelon Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 No, I guess it's not. And it doesn't help that I actually know his family and friends, he's not just some guy that I met at a bar or something. I'd have to live with myself knowing that I'm capable of that kind of deceit--I'd have to look at his kids and wife and pretend that nothing is wrong, and I don't know if I'm that good of a liar. Or he'd take steps to make sure that I didn't interact with them any more, but that would mean I don't see any of my other friends in his town. Bleck, there are too many complications and sacrifices involved. The LAST thing I wanted was some dramatic mess to deal with! I really thought it could be a bit of fun for a little while and then forget about it. I don't know what I was thinking. okay i just reread some of your other postings and i'm so glad that you made the choice to quit while ahead. I guess it's one of those things that you never thought about doing, but opportunity came and it intrigued you for a while before you realized what a bad idea it was. i kind of understand him making a mistake with the drunken kiss, but the fact that he was actively pursuing you and willing to cheat on his wife makes me question the type of person he really is. You don't deserve to be with a person like that, and even if it's just sex with him, I think you deserve to be with a better person than that!
fooled once Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Goldilocks, I wish other people would weigh up the consequences of their actions before acting upon them. I applaud your thinking things through and arriving at a decision based upon the hurt that would be caused to others, your integrity and the long term consequences. Oh that my H and the OW had done the same. I agree with seren. Yikes. Well, the guy I'm talking about has already had a vasectomy, so at least pregnancy isn't a risk, but that's really just a minor consideration. To be honest, I'm more frightened about the whole thing becoming an emotional roller coaster and everyone getting hurt, including the W. I guess the "thrill" is because of the risk, but it does NOT sound worth it! FYI - vasectomies DO fail And just because he has been snipped doesn't mean he doesn't have an STD. He has slept around on his wife before ( according to what you wrote) so I wouldn't trust him at ALL to not be infection free. I'm actually started to feel a little annoyed that he's put me in this position in the first place. Apparently HE has no problem with it, but he's really asking me to make some significant sacrifices! I guess he doesn't think much of me either if he thinks this is something I'm cool with. I was actually thinking you should feel disrespected - I mean, he just assumed that you would be okay messing around with a married man. Just because he has no decency and morals doesn't mean you don't. He was expecting you to just be so grateful for his attention , never mind that when it ends ( and it could end badly) that he could trash you all over town. No need to put yourself through that at all - in actuality or in worry. Well, the way we left it was that he asked me to find out what my schedule is like for next week and give him a call. I agreed, since I tend to take the path of least resistance until I decide what I want to do. He also knows that I should know my schedule tonight. I could call him and say that I'm really busy next week and the week after but I'll let him know when I'm free, and then drop it. Or I could simply not call him back, but it's more likely that he'd call me back. You don't owe him anything. I wouldn't even bother to get back to him. Good luck and hope you find a single guy who makes your pulse race
Holding-On Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 I'm actually started to feel a little annoyed that he's put me in this position in the first place. Apparently HE has no problem with it, but he's really asking me to make some significant sacrifices! I guess he doesn't think much of me either if he thinks this is something I'm cool with. Reread your own good common sense here. This man is not your friend. Hence worrying about staying friends with him is quite unnecessary. Personally I would not even try to do the "nice girl" role and try to maintain any friendship. What purpose would that serve? Just maintain friendships with all the other actual friends you have in that town and ignore this family. The man is not your friend and the wife does not want you for a friend. Many good people do want you for a friend and you should be giving your time and energy to those people and leaving MM and his wife to their own dramas. Problem solved.
Fouts Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Well Goldilocks, it's pretty wise of you to realize that more than likely only negative consequences are going to result of that situation. Even though you're hurt and have low self-esteem right now, you articulate yourself very well and have excellent grammar, so I'm guessing if you're a little bit cute, you're a great catch. Be patient
Author Goldilocks101 Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 I just wrote a whole post praising everyone on this thread for reminding me of what's important and what can happen if I allow myself to get involved in such a negative situation, but my computer froze and I'm too tired to retype the whole thing. I'll take another crack at it in the morning.
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