Secrets that are too awful to share even online

[anywherebuthere]

Hi. Did anyone feel when they first joined up that their story was too awful to tell? I've been reading a bunch of posts and no one has a story as bad as mine. I feel evil. I'm hurting and would like to talk but I can't even put my story into words and I'm afraid of getting bashed and feeling even worse, if that's possible. Is there a way to talk privately so I don't have to tell my whole awful story publicly? If not I guess I just want to say that I've been reading and some of you have very inspiring stories that are helping me to think maybe I can move on from this and get better. Thanks for being here and posting.

[Crow9726]

That's the beauty of the internet and anonymous forums like this one. You can say what you want and nobody knows who you are. Sorta like a new age confessional.

 

Any criticism should be taken with a grain of salt. You have to live with yourself...and the first step is to expose what is making you feel guilty so that others here can help you deal with it.

[Karabasque]

We're all here to help, to get things off your chest is a liberating feeling and a good step towards moving on.

[TaraMaiden]

Post away.

 

'Listen' to those who are supportive.

Ignore those who aren't. (you can actually put people on 'ignore' but I honestly doubt anything you have to say is as bad as you seem to think, we'll think it.)

 

Fear is a great inhibitor.

Sometimes, taking the first step to overcoming the fear, is the hardest thing you could do; after that, though, it DOES get easier.

[MorningCoffee]

This is a great place to post anonmymously and receive feedback. Just do not reveal identifying info to maintain anonymity, and be ready for some less than sympathetic responses that may not be useful. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.

[JamesM]

You pointed out the paradox.

 

Even posting anonymously doesn't feel like you are "hidden." No matter how we pretend to hide ourselves, it is still we who are telling our personal story, and so when people respond to someone who in their mind is unknown, in our mind we still are exposed and receiving the feedback.

 

You can post anonymously, but you cannot receive feedback anonymously. It is still your feelings that will be affected.

 

When it comes down to it, unless you tell a story that is not your own, confessions can never be anonymous because WE read comments that are directed at US...even if no one knows who we are.

 

So....you will receive feedback and much of it will be helpful (even if it sounds critical). Yet there will be comments that will be taken wrong by you simply because you are human. And some who post will have an agenda.

 

As Tara said, ignore what hurts and reread what helps.

[pureinheart]

That's the beauty of the internet and anonymous forums like this one. You can say what you want and nobody knows who you are. Sorta like a new age confessional.

 

Any criticism should be taken with a grain of salt. You have to live with yourself...and the first step is to expose what is making you feel guilty so that others here can help you deal with it.

 

Crow and Tara are right, post what you need to post. Are you extremely hypersensitive right now? I know when I am, to read a bunch of criticle garbage makes me want to go off...so if this is the case then don't tell all of the sitch, just highlights until you have PM (privite message) priviliges (Which takes about a month and 50 or so posts).

 

Who are any of us to judge you? People in glass houses....we all live in a glass house. Some don't understand this concept as they perceive themselves to be above others, ignore them and consider the source.

 

Anyway, welcome to LS...and you are not evil ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[skywriter]

Hi AWBT and Welcome!

 

I understand what you are saying or rather not so comfortable saying. If you don't feel like you can share your story with everyone here.

 

You can always wait until you are an established member and private message someone with whom you might feel comfortable discussing your situation with.

 

I am not exactly sure how many post you'll need, maybe 50 ? Just read, and reply occasionally until you have enough post.

 

Aha! I see now that pure beat me to the punch!

 

Take care and best wishes to you.

[pureinheart]

You pointed out the paradox.

 

Even posting anonymously doesn't feel like you are "hidden." No matter how we pretend to hide ourselves, it is still we who are telling our personal story, and so when people respond to someone who in their mind is unknown, in our mind we still are exposed and receiving the feedback.

 

You can post anonymously, but you cannot receive feedback anonymously. It is still your feelings that will be affected.

 

When it comes down to it, unless you tell a story that is not your own, confessions can never be anonymous because WE read comments that are directed at US...even if no one knows who we are.

 

So....you will receive feedback and much of it will be helpful (even if it sounds critical). Yet there will be comments that will be taken wrong by you simply because you are human. And some who post will have an agenda.

 

As Tara said, ignore what hurts and reread what helps.

 

Wow, this is what I meant by the hypersensitivity part...well put James (as usual)...it's inessence anonymous, although not at the same time:D

[jthorne]

Hi. Did anyone feel when they first joined up that their story was too awful to tell? I've been reading a bunch of posts and no one has a story as bad as mine. I feel evil. I'm hurting and would like to talk but I can't even put my story into words and I'm afraid of getting bashed and feeling even worse, if that's possible. Is there a way to talk privately so I don't have to tell my whole awful story publicly? If not I guess I just want to say that I've been reading and some of you have very inspiring stories that are helping me to think maybe I can move on from this and get better. Thanks for being here and posting.

Yes and no is my answer. If you say things that may "out" you to RL people you know that may find Loveshack, that's a problem. You can solve that by changing minor facts to keep your privacy safe.

 

OTOH, if you decide to stick around here after your issue is resolved, you take the risk of people using your past history against you.

 

This is not to discourage you, but it's something that you should be aware of.

[anywherebuthere]

Yes, I'm hypersensitive. I think I'm depressed. I just can't stop crying. I know people will say this is what I deserve. And I know that it is. But still it feels horrible.

 

I was supposed to be getting married a week from tomorrow. I cheated on my fiance with a married guy. At the time I thought I needed out from getting married. I had tried to talk to my fiance but he kept thinking we would be fine. So I guess I got with the married guy and left not so subtle hints all about so that my fiance would find out and break up with me, which he did.

 

Now the married guy is in love with me and left his wife. So in that way my story seems to be different than many on here, because I don't have the problem of loving a guy who won't leave for me. I did and do have feelings for him but they are over-shadowed by feeling so down and depressed about not getting married to my fiance. At first I felt free and relieved (also sad and bad but mostly free). But as the would-be wedding date approaches I am just falling apart and I can't get my life together. I don't understand how I can be so sad when I knew I didn't want to and couldn't marry him. I guess I feel really bad for hurting him and now I am hurting the other guy too because I can't give him the attention and love that he wants, I am so into myself and my own pain. Maybe I used the other guy to help me leave my fiance. I guess I just go around hurting everyone and not even knowing what I want. I don't even want advice, I mean, what advice would there be for me, I just want to get it out there and talk. How could I have done all of this? It doesn't feel like my life but it is.

 

Please be kind.

[Lizzie60]

I have secrets that I haven't even shared on LS.. and I will never share them with anyone..

[JamesM]

 

Please be kind.

 

I am going to make a side comment. Others will be giving you advice.

 

 

Your story is not an awful one. I have heard many that are worse.

 

Relax. I know of some here who will be able to give excellent advice. And knowing that you are a little more sensitive now, I hope they will be honest but kind.

[JamesM]

I have secrets that I haven't even shared on LS.. and I will never share them with anyone..

 

Ditto.....

[TaraMaiden]

Second ditto.....

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, I'm hypersensitive. I think I'm depressed. I just can't stop crying. I know people will say this is what I deserve. And I know that it is. But still it feels horrible.

I was supposed to be getting married a week from tomorrow. I cheated on my fiance with a married guy. At the time I thought I needed out from getting married. I had tried to talk to my fiance but he kept thinking we would be fine. So I guess I got with the married guy and left not so subtle hints all about so that my fiance would find out and break up with me, which he did.

Now the married guy is in love with me and left his wife. So in that way my story seems to be different than many on here, because I don't have the problem of loving a guy who won't leave for me. I did and do have feelings for him but they are over-shadowed by feeling so down and depressed about not getting married to my fiance. At first I felt free and relieved (also sad and bad but mostly free). But as the would-be wedding date approaches I am just falling apart and I can't get my life together. I don't understand how I can be so sad when I knew I didn't want to and couldn't marry him. I guess I feel really bad for hurting him and now I am hurting the other guy too because I can't give him the attention and love that he wants, I am so into myself and my own pain. Maybe I used the other guy to help me leave my fiance. I guess I just go around hurting everyone and not even knowing what I want. I don't even want advice, I mean, what advice would there be for me, I just want to get it out there and talk. How could I have done all of this? It doesn't feel like my life but it is.

Please be kind.

 

Uh... I'd say your pretty mild on the evil scale here. I'd say the most evil people on this board are MM & MOW's, followed by SOW & SOM.

 

First, realize that the the married guy would not have left his wife if he was happy in the first place. It needed to happen... you just made it easier.

 

Second, you didn't want to get married... your fiance was not the guy for you, and yes that hurts him... but he will find someone for him.

 

The only thing you should feel bad about is for not having the strength to call off a wedding yourself and cheating.

[KikiW]

Third ditto. We've all got stuff we're not proud of.

 

Sounds like you are about to have a nervous breakdown. I'm sure others will offer very good advice, but my personal opinion is that you need to stop bashing yourself, give yourself a goal to work towards, like perhaps finding a professional to talk to. They can help you sort out your thoughts, discover why you acted the way you did and help get you on the right track. But again, start with a small goal so you don't feel overwhelmed and panicky and want to just hide under your bedcovers.

 

Your actions are not nearly as bad as you think. Ok, nothing to be boastful of, and certainly can't ignore them, but it's not like you are driving around running over wildlife or planning assassinations or something. Take a deep breath and commit to finding out the reasons for your actions so you can move forward.

[pureinheart]

Yes, I'm hypersensitive. I think I'm depressed. I just can't stop crying. I know people will say this is what I deserve. And I know that it is. But still it feels horrible.

 

I was supposed to be getting married a week from tomorrow. I cheated on my fiance with a married guy. At the time I thought I needed out from getting married. I had tried to talk to my fiance but he kept thinking we would be fine. So I guess I got with the married guy and left not so subtle hints all about so that my fiance would find out and break up with me, which he did.

 

Now the married guy is in love with me and left his wife. So in that way my story seems to be different than many on here, because I don't have the problem of loving a guy who won't leave for me. I did and do have feelings for him but they are over-shadowed by feeling so down and depressed about not getting married to my fiance. At first I felt free and relieved (also sad and bad but mostly free). But as the would-be wedding date approaches I am just falling apart and I can't get my life together. I don't understand how I can be so sad when I knew I didn't want to and couldn't marry him. I guess I feel really bad for hurting him and now I am hurting the other guy too because I can't give him the attention and love that he wants, I am so into myself and my own pain. Maybe I used the other guy to help me leave my fiance. I guess I just go around hurting everyone and not even knowing what I want. I don't even want advice, I mean, what advice would there be for me, I just want to get it out there and talk. How could I have done all of this? It doesn't feel like my life but it is.

 

Please be kind.

 

Sometimes we don't understand what is going on with us externally...on the outside getting M seemed the right thing to do, possibly in everyone elses eyes. Internally, there was a struggle of which you possibly didn't understand which equals major conflict.

 

I see some people pleasing tendancies here, and the lack of ability to say no.

 

Really, I'm thinking you were traumatised greatly and in bold there is a term called "disassociative disorder" which could apply in some parts or all...we detach ourselves to the point that we are on autopilot...it's like standing back and watching your own life happen.

 

If you identify with the above paragraph then I would strongly suggest IC...as it is an indication of some severe trauma.

 

It will be ok...I would suggest you take what is yours and nothing more. Your ex fiance, I would explain the sitch and apologise. As far as MM, that was his choice to leave his W, he mostlikely wanted to of his own accord.

 

You feel like you are the cause of everything...like I said take what is yours and nothing more, take care of what you see you need to...this is YOUR life, you don't have to do what you don't want to

[BB07]

My take is.......that you did the right thing for yourself by not marrying someone that you didn't want to marry, but yet you did go about it in a "not good" way. You sound confused and not sure if you want the relationship that you are now in, is that right?

I've come to realize that we need to grieve the prior relationship before embarking on another one and if we don't that things come up and bite us. I'm just as guilty as others of doing this in the past, but this time I'm determined to not do that.

Maybe you need some professional help in sorting out your feelings and your life.

We often are able to forgive others before forgiving ourselves so maybe you need to work out why you did things the way you did and then start forgiving yourself.

Also be aware that you are not the 1st person here who has made mistakes and who feels guilty about it. You are human and fallible just like the rest of us.

 

Hugs.......

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, I'm hypersensitive. I think I'm depressed. I just can't stop crying. I know people will say this is what I deserve. And I know that it is. But still it feels horrible.

You know, I'm desperately looking for that post, and for the life of me, I just can't see it anywhere.....

 

I was supposed to be getting married a week from tomorrow. I cheated on my fiance with a married guy. At the time I thought I needed out from getting married. I had tried to talk to my fiance but he kept thinking we would be fine. So I guess I got with the married guy and left not so subtle hints all about so that my fiance would find out and break up with me, which he did.

Hmmmm. I'd call this 'misguided', or unsubtle - but evil? nope. Not even close.

 

Now the married guy is in love with me and left his wife. So in that way my story seems to be different than many on here, because I don't have the problem of loving a guy who won't leave for me.

 

ok....That's a plus, wouldn't you say?

 

I did and do have feelings for him but they are over-shadowed by feeling so down and depressed about not getting married to my fiance. At first I felt free and relieved (also sad and bad but mostly free). But as the would-be wedding date approaches I am just falling apart and I can't get my life together.

nobody is doing this to you - but you. Whanging yourself over the skull with a metaphorical cast-iron skillet, neither feels good, nor is it constructive.

This is totally self-sabotaging, and completely unnecessary.

 

I don't understand how I can be so sad when I knew I didn't want to and couldn't marry him. I guess I feel really bad for hurting him and now I am hurting the other guy too because I can't give him the attention and love that he wants, I am so into myself and my own pain.

Ok, at the risk of sounding as if I'm giving you what you most fear - the last part is very telling.

"I am so into myself and my own pain".

This is some kind of inverted Ego-Trip.

It's almost as if you feel you deserve punishment, so you're damn well going to punish yourself, and enjoy it.

Self-pity is a deep lake to wallow in....

C'mon hun - you did what you did, that's then, this is now....

 

Maybe I used the other guy to help me leave my fiance. I guess I just go around hurting everyone and not even knowing what I want. I don't even want advice, I mean, what advice would there be for me, I just want to get it out there and talk. How could I have done all of this? It doesn't feel like my life but it is.

Forget your cancelled wedding for a moment.

This guy - what made you have an affair with him?

Was he just a mad and desperate fling?

Is he good looking?

Are you - or can you see yourself being - happy that he's with you?

 

When did this fling actually take place? I know your original wedding day was set for a week tomorrow - but when did you actually first sleep with this guy?

How long ago was it?

[freestyle]

There's actually a lot of people who will sabotage their own relationships, it's more common than you might think. If you type in "relationship sabotage" , and do a google search, lots of articles will come up.

 

Individual counseling may help you to get to the root of that. Talking it out will help.

 

It's a good thing that you're acknowledging the pain that you caused others, it's a sign of having a conscience.

 

"Evil" would be hurting others and feeling no remorse afterwards.So no, I don't think you're "evil."

 

Yes, you're going to have to go through the pain, and grieve your losses, and it's gonna suck,but you could also view this as an opportunity for self-growth.............It's up to you what you do with it.

 

I wish you my best......

[Fieldsofgold]

Actually, your story so far is pretty mild. No children kidnapped

across international borders, no bunnies boiled. I'm pretty sure your MM left because he wanted to, because some OW posting on this forum have been trying to get theirs to leave for years, without success.

 

I think counselling would help you deal.

[KarmasTestDummy]

There is private messaging

But I think you may have to have a certain status to use it. If you can you can write

Me for a sympathetic ear and sound reasoning any day.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, it takes some time to reach PM-able status.

 

but I'm kinda hoping the OP has finally got it that sticking new-born babies on metal spikes, is evil, and she ain't even close, by our standards.

 

Now, if she'd dumped a cat in a refuse bin......

[lilbunny]

Yes, I'm hypersensitive. I think I'm depressed. I just can't stop crying. I know people will say this is what I deserve. And I know that it is. But still it feels horrible.

 

I was supposed to be getting married a week from tomorrow. I cheated on my fiance with a married guy. At the time I thought I needed out from getting married. I had tried to talk to my fiance but he kept thinking we would be fine. So I guess I got with the married guy and left not so subtle hints all about so that my fiance would find out and break up with me, which he did.

 

Now the married guy is in love with me and left his wife. So in that way my story seems to be different than many on here, because I don't have the problem of loving a guy who won't leave for me. I did and do have feelings for him but they are over-shadowed by feeling so down and depressed about not getting married to my fiance. At first I felt free and relieved (also sad and bad but mostly free). But as the would-be wedding date approaches I am just falling apart and I can't get my life together. I don't understand how I can be so sad when I knew I didn't want to and couldn't marry him. I guess I feel really bad for hurting him and now I am hurting the other guy too because I can't give him the attention and love that he wants, I am so into myself and my own pain. Maybe I used the other guy to help me leave my fiance. I guess I just go around hurting everyone and not even knowing what I want. I don't even want advice, I mean, what advice would there be for me, I just want to get it out there and talk. How could I have done all of this? It doesn't feel like my life but it is.

 

Please be kind.

 

As far as your R is concerned you have done the right thing, just gone the wrong way about it. I got stuck in a LTR at a young age, we were engaged and I think deep down we both wanted out. Eventually we did split and I am glad that things worked out that way. It would be worse if you had gone through with a M you didn't want from the start. You are bound to feel something about the wedding, even if it is just missing the comfort and security of an LTR and feeling bad about the way it ended.

 

I'm guessing you didn't promise the MM anything? Tell him if he left you would be together etc, so he has made a choice to leave his M based on facts. You can't control those actions and you can't blame yourself for them. Lots of MMwho leave end up going back, he might do the same as yet.

 

I don't think you are evil or terrible at all anywherebutthere. As many have said some IC doesn't sound like it would do any harm, I've started it recently, it isn't something I had thought about before but it is really making a difference. You need to stop beating yourself up and try to look forward now.

 

LB