Secrets that are too awful to share even online

[MorningCoffee]

He also told me his bike ride was to __________ - the town where I was supposed to get married on Saturday. It's not a very common place to go, not like he just happened to mention that he was going to the next city or next town over or something. I can't help but think he said that just to hurt me. Maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive. But to me it would have been wise discretion for him to omit that part if he was going to text me knowing I am mad at him and want to be done with him.

 

You are not being hyper-sensitive. This guy went there (or so he said) and told you either (1) precisely to hurt you, or (2) because he truly lacks any capacity for empathy and therefore could not imagine that it would make you feel bad. My pick is (1). Not much on texting myself, but if you can, suggest you block his number. No need to tolerate this kind of abuse.

[anywherebuthere]

You are not being hyper-sensitive. This guy went there (or so he said) and told you either (1) precisely to hurt you, or (2) because he truly lacks any capacity for empathy and therefore could not imagine that it would make you feel bad. My pick is (1). Not much on texting myself, but if you can, suggest you block his number. No need to tolerate this kind of abuse.

 

Exactly! If he had any regard for my feelings, he would have just said he was going on a bike rie and not mentioned where to (or just not texted me at all.) I wonder if he did it just to get a reaction out of me.

 

Honestly I think he is stopping drinking so he can go back home to his wife. She had made that a condition for them to get back together. And when he was still living at home he rode his bike all the time. In his text he mentioned he hadn't done that in a month. So I think he is back to his pattern of escaping his issues by biking for miles on end rather than drinking. Oh well. It's not my concern anymore!

[Pillow]

nvm. not constructive.

Edited October 17, 2010 by Pillow

[anywherebuthere]

Well MM finally went to my house to pick up his stuff last evening. I had texted him that I was leaving for the rest of the evening and that he could come pick it up while I wasn't there. Well as I was leaving I noticed my garage had flooded and called my landlord. It ended up being that a hose had gotten disconnected from my washing machine which is in the garage and flooded the floor. Well I had already told MM I was leaving and didn't want to have to text him again, plus I knew that if I told him, never mind, I've had this fiasco and must stay home... then he would have pretended not to have received it in time and would show up with me there. I know him and I know he would have done that and I didn't want to be faced with the temptation of seeing him. Plus my landlord didn't answer my phone call so I left him a message saying I was leaving the house for a meeting but on my way out I saw all this water and had to move boxes etc. and could he please come by at his earliest convenience and see what caused it and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Well it turns out that my landlord went to my house when MM was there. MM sent me a text saying my landlord wanted to talk to me and would I pick up if he dialed. I was annoyed, because clearly my landlord could call me himself, but I'm sure the landlord had no clue what was going on as MM probably told him I'm his girlfriend and he'd get ahold of me, so I told him yes, I'd pick up. He explained the situation to me and I stayed a bit distant and cordial and thanked him for the explanation and asked him to put my landlord on the phone. So he did and I talked to my landlord about the problem and solution, and then my landlord said that MM wanted to talk to me again. So MM said he could stay there and dry out my stuff and I was very proud of myself for saying no thank you, I am going to come home and do that and I am going to wait until you have left, per our agreement. He got a bit defensive and hurt and said fine then he will just leave, and he was just trying to help. I do believe him but I am trying to close all doors of any possibility to see him or talk to him.

 

Then the rest of the evening MM kept texting me, I guess thinking it was all right to talk because we had talked about the water issue, but I kept ignoring him. Then I did start giving in a bit because his texts were making me angry. I realize this was a mistake but I couldn't help myself. He claimed that he knows I don't deserve his bad treatment of me and that he thinks he has some kind of personality disorder and I texted him back and said FWIW I think he's just confused and needs to face reality head on. I asked him to leave me alone since he agrees he is not treating me right and since it's what I want, and he said that since that's what I want and he loves me he will do it. Then at one point he said that he just wishes me peace and happiness, and I said ok then please stop texting me. That stopped him for quite awhile until late last night when he randomly texted me that he had purchased a book on borderline personality disorder and he was going to read it and see why he couldn't control his emotions and was too impulsive.

 

Okay... so I'm glad he's into self-improvement, even though I highly question his motivation. Not drinking. Biking like a fiend. And now exploring possible personality disorders. Is he really doing this to figure himself out and change for the better, or is just blowing smoke up my bottom? In any case I want to continue in neither talking to him nor seeing him because I really do think he needs to work on himself alone and I also need time and space to myself. He has not texted me today so that is an improvement. I hope I am getting through to him with my silence if not with my former words. I'm starting to realize that it doesn't matter what I SAY to him, even though I've stuck with, please leave me alone, I need space, I don't want to talk or see you, etc... what matters is if I'm just silent and ignore him. That's the only way he gets the hint, at least for awhile. I want to thank everyone here again for providing me with your collective wisdom and strength! It's been very helpful.

[whichwayisup]

Text him this. "I am sorry but I can't be in any type of contact with you anymore. Please respect my decision and leave me alone. As of now, I'm deleting and blocking you."

 

Be strong and follow through on your intentions of what you actually want.

 

Is the A over and you want him out of your life forever? Or is this a break, long enough to see what's going to happen between him and his wife? YOU need to decide. He is up in the air because he doesn't know either way. Affair on break, or affair over. He needs to know 100% too so he can let go and hopefully leave you alone.

[anywherebuthere]

Hmmm as usual you give me some thought-provoking advice and questions WWIU.

 

I can't say I want to be done with him forever. Perhaps it's naive but I'm hoping that he will work on his issues on his own and I will work on mine on my own and we can get together again when we're each in a healthier spot. That's what I would ideally want and that's what I've told him. I do think he understands that and that's why he's working on himself, or least telling me he is.

 

I have told him that I can't talk to him right now or see him right now because he is confused and he isn't treating me right. He's denied that he's confused and says he wants to be with me but his actions aren't matching his words and I've told him that.

 

Should I set a time period where we re-meet back up and see how things have progressed? Or should I just tell him to contact me once he's filed for divorce? I don't know how this stage works, only that it wasn't working for me the way it was going! Thanks for your help.

[alexandria35]

Anywhere, you sound very intelligent and very good at determining what is right for you. Stay strong and don't weaken just because this guy says he has a personality disorder because even if it's true (actually the guy I told you about before was a borderline) it takes several years of the right kind of therapy to treat borderline personality disorder. Your MM has treated you badly and if he has bpd then what he has done so far is only the tip of iceberg.

[anywherebuthere]

Anywhere, you sound very intelligent and very good at determining what is right for you. Stay strong and don't weaken just because this guy says he has a personality disorder because even if it's true (actually the guy I told you about before was a borderline) it takes several years of the right kind of therapy to treat borderline personality disorder. Your MM has treated you badly and if he has bpd then what he has done so far is only the tip of iceberg.

 

Yikes, this is sobering advice! I guess I need to just keep stepping way back. Honestly, I think a part of me is attracted to his "crazy." I don't know why part of me craves an unhealthy relationship but I know it must be true. My ex-fiance was so normal and good but to the point of being way too boring for me. I know that sounds mean but it's how I felt. Now after trampling his heart to bits I guess I wonder if I deserve a good guy. But I know I do, I just have to keep telling myself that! I want to be in a healthy relationship with a good guy but also one who is a bit adventurous and exciting like me. Someone who likes to travel and who wouldn't mind or who would even look forward to moving someplace else eventually. I think I just hate being in one place and doing the same routine all the time. I KNEW my ex-fiance and I weren't going to work out when we went to pre-marital counseling and they were asking us about our financial and career plans for the future and all that.

 

Me: I want to keep working at my high-paying yet drone-like uncreative job (but keep reading, writing and traveling in my spare time!) so I can continue to save up as much as possible and then retire as early as possible and travel all around and experience life to the fullest and read and write all about it. maybe one day I'll find a career that fulfills me more than my current one but pays well enough for me to keep accomplishing my "side"/ real life goals. I would like to explore jobs and opportunities in other cities.

 

Ex Fiance: I plan to keep working at my job that I don't like and that I always complain pays me too little and I have chances to advance but I don't want the extra time and responsibility, so I'll come home and enjoy my hobbies of playing video games and watching TV and movies in my movie room, and I'll do that until I retire at about age 65 because that's what my dad is doing, and I'll live here forever because my parents do.

 

 

I was like, uh oh.

 

NOT that there is anything wrong with him or that I'm totally right. Both of our personalities have negative sides - I am always reaching for the next thing and perhaps forget to be content with what I have at times, whereas he is never looking beyond this very moment and is afraid of change. We were just not a good match! MM was so exciting -- too exciting I guess! -- and we used to dream about pursuing our goals of retiring young (well, he's older than me so younger for me than for him, but still relatively young for him) and traveling and being bohemian after so long of being tied to desk jobs and working for the man, ha ha. I know it all isn't very realistic and I know he's too crazy for me but at least I've figured out more of what I want! A balance between exciting and fun and stable and comforting.

 

I think MM is my personality to an EXTREME and I would like to more content and less dramatic so it's just now the right relationship for me any more than my ex fiance and I were the right relationship for me. I know I will find it, especially when I hear your good advice and tell myself to stick to it!