Marital problems - husband runs and calls sisters and mom to blab.

[BeverlyQ]

Hi, I have a problem with my husband calling up his two younger sisters and his mother everytime we have disagreements or problems. If he gets mad at me about something there he goes - dialing up his sisters and mom on his cell phone at work to bash me and talk about whatever problem we're having.

 

I know he does this because he admits and whenever his two sisters have marital problems they call him and then he tells me all about it.

 

This really bothers me - I feel we have no privacy and our lives are discussed via megaphone to all his family. I asked him nicely to keep our private lives PRIVATE and that I'd appreciate it if our problems were kept between ourselves.

 

Right now he's told them so much I'm sure they all hate me. During our last dilemma he said "My sister told me I should never put up with you treating me like that".

 

I felt horrible - we had an agument in which he said some things to me that were inappropriate but of course when he's telling his sisters or mother - I'm the one at fault and made out to be the bad guy.

 

Everytime his mother or sisters call he goes outside to take their calls so I can't hear what he's talking about. I find this insulting and rude. If they call him at home and we're home together - he'll let the answering machine pick up.

 

He won't talk to them in front of me because he's bashed me so bad he won't know what to say if I can hear the conversation. I'm sure they are calling more now to make sure he's ok and I'm not being mean and evil.

 

I can't deal with him blabbing to everyone everything that goes on in our life. I feel like Cinderella with the evil mother in law and sisters in law. I have no chance after he bashes me. And I'm trying to make our marriage work and be a good person and solve problems in a mature manner.

 

He runs to them and talks about everything. Is this fair to me? I don't see him ever stopping - they'll know everything and I'll always be the bad guy.

[moimeme]

He needs to grow up. Your relationship issues should be kept between you and not discussed with the whole family. If he wants help and advice with your relationship, he should be speaking to a counsellor rather than his family. If it's a deal-breaker for you, tell him so.

[Arabess]

When my Mom married my Dad, she was coming from Germany into a very large southern clan. My Dad used to do the same thing to her. Finally, she told me "If I can't convince them with bullsh*t, I'll kill them with kindness.". She went out of her way to befriend every one of his 6 living sisters and mother. 40 years later, he still has no one to complain to.

 

Use a little politics and tear down the wall.

 

I've used that same wisdom in other areas of my life....and it's always served me well.

 

It's not that you are 'giving in'....it's more like you are 'bridging a gap'. Once his family knows you in a different light, they won't be so quick to judge you. And if they do.....you are more in a position to confront them as a friend, rather than feeling defensive and it causing marriage problems.

 

It'll give you the upper edge.

[BeverlyQ]

Arabess,

 

I didn't look at it that way. That's a pretty smart idea!!!!

 

He can bash me all he wants but I can make sure that when they see me or talk to me I'll be as kind and polite as they never imagined!

 

You totally changed my train of thought on this - I'm looking at it as an opportunity to come across in a totally new light to these women - to the point they'll be questioning my husband and thinking he's out of his mind to say bad things about me!

 

Instead of being defensive I'm going to kill them with kindness - then they won't believe a word my husband says. Great tactic!!

[jenny]

lol, wow, girl, do i feel for you. this would easy grounds for breaking up for me; i would not even look back. i would find it, worst of all, totally emasculating that he had to run to his mom and sisters, and it would be downhill from there. and, of course, i simply could not withstand that kind of intrusion; it's intolerable and unacceptable.

 

what has he said when you have asked him to stop? what has he said when you've showed him numerous sites on marriage that suggest that this is a horrible habit and method of coping, which ensures dysfunction? somebody posted something dr. phil wrote on this awhile ago, or maybe it was marriagebuilders. i'll check around for it later. in any event, he needs to stop this if he wants to continue a relationship with you, IMO.

 

wow, friend, i will worry about you all day. this would be nightmarish for me because i feel so strongly about inter-couple communication and privacy. keep us updated.

 

p.s. bottom line: it does not matter what his mom and his sisters think. remember that.

[Arabess]

Imagine how surprised he will be when he 'complains' and someone replies that maybe HE is the A$$!

 

Invite them for coffee, take them to lunch....you've got first dibs on the phone while he's at work. HAHAHA

 

The amazing part is....you may very well end up making some new friends, who will eventually feel like family.

 

My Mom is in her 60's now and just had a rough operation. The sister-in-law who gave her the most trouble initially, was the one who stayed with my Mom the most and called me daily with updates.

....Once out of the Army, my Dad had the audacity to bring a German Jewish woman into his southern Baptist clan with their 3 year old illegitimate daughter (ME)...it was QUITE the brou-ha-ha till my Mom got wise......