she emotionally distant (by nature) how to rekindle

[rich_1517]

I am trying to rekindle a relationship. seven weeks since break up. she left saying she needed time. she is not pursuing anyone.

 

after obsessing, hurting, etc. We begain to talk, she would make contact but of no substance.

 

during this time i changed quite a bit about myself, steady job after failed business. willing to commit, realised values were old. want the family.

 

so i realised that i want to marry this girl. and proposed, it wasnt needy or desperate, just that i had changed and i also talked about what i was willing to do differently to make us work.

 

so she is still deciding. but says things like my committing weigh in as factors. she is deciding what the flavor of her love is, meaning as i understand it now, she loves me but has doubts, fears.

 

what i am dealing with is someone who avoids feelings, being a "feeler" means this makes me want to pursue, so other than proposing i havent called, sent flowers (until after proposal) i am giving her the space she needs to decide. with some mistakes of boundaries along the way, she would call too much or send mixed signals.

 

so this is very hard, she is so emotionally removed i couldnt tell you a thing about what she is thinking. I looked up our pattern and its a mild case of love addict/avoidant. meaning i love being in love, she expects me to provide the intimicay but is terrified of being too intimate.

 

what have i done to myself? i love her very much, and could see us together for life. but how do i handle this period of waiting for her to decide while she is so cold?

 

I have suggested platonic dates to hang out and rekindle. she said are you sure you would be ok with that? i said i think so but i would prefer it be a date. she said it has to be platonic while she decides. ARRGGHH!

 

I could really use advice here, I know that i must be confident and not needy, but i also think i need to keep sending the love interest message to support my proposal. yes it was necessary she needed to know i had changed my values and was willing to commit.

 

So how do i proceed to pursue and respect space with someone who is very "unemotional"? i have sent a memories email, dropped off flowers. and havent done anything for three days (five since proposing)

 

Thanks in advance for your advice

[jmargel]

so other than proposing i havent called, sent flowers (until after proposal) i am giving her the space she needs to decide. with some mistakes of boundaries along the way, she would call too much or send mixed signals.

 

Holy Sh*t! You are giving her space by proposing? And mixed signals? You proposed to her yet you don't call or send flowers, etc? I think you are confused & didn't know what to do and for a last ditch effort to get her back you did this. Don't say you didn't. Yes you may love her, but if you TRULY loved her you would've done this way before the breakup. Also seven weeks is hardly enough time to change things about yourself and she is probably thinking that.

 

I'm not sure how old the two of you are, and what caused the breakup, but proposing was the worst thing you could've done. If you & her are serious about this, you'll goto couple's counciling. Prove to her you are serious about it. Also you need to communicate, which this is a big lack of.

 

Her saying ok to a platonic date is probably her way of wanting to let you down easy. Its not something you want to hear, but she could be involved with someone else right now. Trying to take a step back with her (platonic date) while wanting to get her back & marrying her which is a couple of steps ahead of where you were with her when you were bf/gf are contrdicting each other. You'll just be frustrating yourself. Giving yourself some false hope.

 

When you talk to her do it in person. Call her & ask her if you two could talk. Then gradually ease into about how you realized alot of things about yourself and you are on the track of changing things and you want her in your life to experience this change for the better. And then say that you want to goto couple's counciling to fully understand what was done wrong in the past and help mend them and move on with a brighter future with her.

 

Also tell her the ring was a symbol of your love, and that you do want to marry her in the future, but that you want the both of you to fix the problems current on hand and to come up with a solution so that you two can communicate and better deal with any upcoming problems at hand. Then just reminese about some of the good times you had together. This is how you will determine how serious she is about you. You really have no other choice. Let us know how it goes.

 

Whatever you do, don't let it become a power struggle. Its a 50/50 thing.

[rich_1517]

Whoa!

we had talked marriage before, then things got bad, she had asked for committments before as recently as three months before break up. the changes have to do with job, my willingness to take on full time and surrender my own business.

 

the porposal had to come, i could be wrong but it shows i am willing to go the distance. last ditch maybe, but am i willing to walk the aisle? yes most definately, have her bear my kids? yes. it took her leaving for me to see how much i loved her.

 

in terms of power you are correct, it has to be fifty/fifty and platonic is a very painful idea in the short term, but with someone who isnt comfortable expressing her feelings it may be the only way. yes i love her that much. door mat? no i cant wait forever and she isnt stupid she knows i wont.

 

im 42 and shes 30, after three years we know what we need to fix, and yes we both have to do it.

 

agreeing to platonic meaning letting me down easy. um no, she has been calling pretty consistently since break up, if she wanted to be gone and with someone new she wouldnt be calling. also she has said as has her mother she is not pursuing anyone. the word from her family was get busy.

 

sevens weeks too short a time to change? ever lose something you value and have great pain? great motivator. the real truth is i had to accept the loss of my business and if i want a family i have to be able to provide. the commitment? it was long overdue and it took her leaving for me to see how afraid i was.

 

it may not matter anyway, she talks like she is finished but acts like she wants to be with me. so thanks for your observations, but um how about a suggestion. counseling only works if and when she is ready to talk. its now about being patient or finding steps to bridge the gap.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by rich_1517

she talks like she is finished but acts like she wants to be with me.

 

Take the above as a major red flag!!! It sounds like you are reading INTO her words, instead of litening TO them.

 

I agree with jmargel, I think proposing at the time you did, possibly appeared as though you did it to get her back, not because the relationship at that time warranted it.

 

As the situation stands, UNLESS she sees you platonically, she is expected to marry you. At this time, she stated she did not want that sort of committment with you.

 

I would withdraw the proposal and tell her if she wants to go out as friends, to let you know. Then, I would give her the space she originally asked for.

 

I'm single. If I need space from someone and they don't honor it....I get aggravated as hell! It annoys me for them to constantly put me in the position of having to hurt their feelings by saying 'no'. I feel manipulated.

 

That's just me....but if she is withdrawn or hesitant....take a hint or you'll kill all future chances.

[rich_1517]

oops my mistake i shouldnt have said she talks like she is done, i meant she shows no emotion like she is done. very different

 

she asked for space and then came all the way across the line, a lot! so much so I had to HER for space while i healed up.

 

the proposal may have been wrong, i just dont know. but to retract it before it makes sense READ: my timetable for comfort. would be an inconsistant slap in the face and proof i cant commit.

 

 

she has been sticking to her deciding period of two months that she requested at break up, one week away. i know her well enough that she is confused, she doesnt do feelings very well so she shuts down and projects nothing.

 

at the same time she calls and tries to maintain a connection without looking like it. I havent been calling her and my proposal was clean, clear and from the heart. i can see why she would want more space after, but she hasnt, she still calls.

 

all that said its still very confusing. but thanks for your insights. have you guys ever been married? just wondering.

[Arabess]

Since there is still a week left in the two month 'break' period she requested, maybe it's too early to make a call on it. Lay low....and see what she does.

 

She may be emotionally withdrawn, but if she is interested in rekindling the relationship, she'll get beyond it.

 

Remember when you first got together and how she acted towards you? Well, she'll act just like that again IF she still wants a relationship. You won't have to read between the lines.

 

 

Yes, I was married for more years than I care to remember to someone who was an idiot.

[lost_in_chgo]

Boy oh boy do I wish I had the answer to this one.

 

Hang in there Rich, give her another week.

I think it's a really good sign that she is still calling.

Try to give her whatever time she needs even if it is more than a week.

[rich_1517]

so no wooing period? seems kind of weird after proposing?

 

these are my thoughts:

1. a rose with coupons for picnic, movies, etc

2. a letter reaffirming my proposal and what would be different

3. scrap book of memories

 

1,2 or 3 or none?

[rich_1517]

ok its funny how peoples posts can affect your insights.

 

so now i am wondering. at the time the porposal felt more than right, it felt necessary. but now i see i added marriage to the things she has to think about and a lot of pressure.

 

but isnt it true that for a woman who knows she wants the house, family and kids that its important she know i am ready to go the distance, cant she say "lets move in and we'll see about marriage?"

 

that said i see that i have made myself open to a lot of potential harm. asking the woman who left to marry is risky at best and could be seen as a ploy. it isnt, i love her a lot. it doesnt remove the problems but many of mine are already resolved.

 

but that leaves attraction due to abscense out of it. i dont like that game but i understand it. we pursue what we cant have. i dont like that i may have to begin to back off, but it may be necessary out of respect for myself.

 

so i am thinking something like this: "i love you and i want to marry you, i know i have thrown a lot on you with that, but i think you needed to know the level of comittment i am willing to go. I have made changes that i needed to make for me but i think work for us. I want you with me, but i need to know if you are on board at all, i need to know if you are willing to work through our problems, I can see a great future for us but it will take us both wanting it, or starting to get there."

 

so not sending it this week, but maybe next, unfortunately she has her kid next week and she is emotionally grounded when he is around. IE: she calls during the weeks she doesnt have him, this week ending friday. so i am thinking of dropping a scrapbook off of memories to her tonight when she is asleep.

 

But man did i give away a lot of power, first in the proposal (i know i know) and then agreeing to platonic while she makes up her mind. SEE i feel like a door mat.

[bicyclejunk]

No coupons, That's a tad cheesy.

 

A Reaffirmation would be kind of pointless, don't you think? she knows how you feel. I think

we as the one being left behind, get a tiny bit desperate to stress our feelings and make them known

to our ex's, but they know. We've said it.

 

A scrapbook of memories would be sweet but, everything is still fresh. Give it some time, maybe.

 

 

 

I don't know man, I just think you need to leave her alone. Don't pressure her too much. I left my girl alone

and i could see at times how she would start coming around telling me she missed "us", missed me...etc.

They don't know what they got, til it's gone. I'd say back off a little, but that's just my opinion.

I too got desperate(not that you're desperate) and asked me ex to marry me, thinking it would change her mind

but it only saddened and confused her more.

[rich_1517]

taking in the suggestions. im going to sit on my hands again

 

but ladies? your perspective, its funny men and women have very different view on this.

 

the sad thing is she may not want to break my heart. and that may be all thats behind the lack of words. she is terrible about dissapointing others. i think i over did it with the proposal and cant see a way back to normal.

 

as it stands now i am at her call to hang out, she is asking a lot of questions that shows she is curious about change, but she is not asking about the changes that have to do with us. she did do that when i proposed but not since.

 

so here are my choices and please feel free to advise:

 

1. do nothing, nothing nothing (wait for her to decide)

 

2. wait a couple more days and say "i dont need your answer on marriage now, but i do need to know soon if you want to try at all" (restores self and her respect that i am not waiting forever)

 

3. mild pursuit while she makes up her mind, scrapbook of memories, flower here and there (she isnt overly emotional, this kind of thing gets her)

[lost_in_chgo]

Rich, I did the same thing (proposal), but in my case I really didn't have the option to do it earlier.

 

And I think that it is the kind of thing that needs to be said. And there is a big difference between agreeing to marry her under pressure and proposing to her under pressure. I think that you clarified your position, and maybe it wasn't the best way to propose, but better that than not at all if you really mean it.

 

Your road here is to give her some thinking time.

If you push too hard you will end up like me and some of the others here, driving her away with your good intentions.

 

Look at the links here, especially the stop your divorce stuff:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=134408#post134408

[jenny]

hmm; i have been accused of being emotionally distant with every long term bf i have had. admittedly, i have some intimacy/trust problems; but i have always loved in my own sporadically emotional way. i think number 2 is your best option, but with a little harder line. i have needed to be confronted about this kind of thing myself; sometimes we just don't know.

 

1. no - it does not respect you

3. no -it does not respect you

 

2. yes; and let her know that you desreve some feedback. if she does not want to marry you whole-heartedly, you deserve to move on and so does she. be clear, purposeful, and know what you hope to acheive in the conversation.

 

you're taking a risk here. you could get hurt; and the best way to impress on us emotional procrastinators is to lead, firmly, which you may not be able to do.

 

i have to be straight with you. this does not look good to me. i've been where she has been and it was a pretty good indication of an interest level that balanced out at about 47%. but let us know what happens.

[rich_1517]

well i met with her tonight. she invited me to go to the movies. I said need to talk to you.

 

"i said i do want to marry you and raise a family, but i realise that a decision like that is giong to be based on time and change. so i am not taking the proposal off the table, but i am not asking for an answer on it now. but i do need an answer soon about whether you want a relationship with me"

 

so i need some insight. she said she is still sticking to her two months period which is up in two weeks (not one). she said about the things that were her reasons are smoking and doing more things (activities). she said she is still weighing out her feelings and imagining things in the future and seeing how they feel.

 

she also said just changing doesnt mean anything is going to be different. I wanted to scream! i ahve offered not only to commit but have gotten a full time job. she focuses on the smoking (shes had cancer and has a kid).

 

other things of observation: she tried to make me very comfortable when i got to her house (havent been there in three months) she showed me pictures from our camping trip and other things we've done. i then suggested we take a walk. before we left she said "oh here this stuff is yours" and handed me books of mine. (felt like house cleaning to me).

 

i kept it upbeat but under i was sad. she is so emotionally removed and under control. I now realise the platonic is working against me. we were going to go to costco to get the patch for me. she cooked dinner and after i said im going to take off, i realised i am giving still too much of me to her right now. nothing to miss.

 

her mom called and she muted the phone so her mom wouldnt know i was there. her mom is the one who clued me into commitment beyond moving in.

 

But even though her words sound optmistic i am convinced she will say no, i just cant see her saying yes at this point. she behaves so moved on. what do you see?

 

i am either going to sweat it out. or end it on my terms now, because its too distant.

[UCFKevin]

Dude, I've basically been where you are.

 

When you talk, it's like you guys are merely acquaintences. It sounds like she's shut herself off to you. Sometimes she comes back to how she used to be, perhaps, but it doesn't last. The more you push to get her back, the farther away she goes emotionally.

 

I hate to say this, but I would have to guess that there is more than likely no future with you and her.

 

If it's taking her THIS long to figure out if she wants to be with you, what does that say? If she wanted to be with you, shouldn't she just KNOW it, and if not know it immediately, have it only take a little while? Not TWO damn months?

 

The best thing you can do is give up hope because if you do that and she comes back, it'll be a surprise, and if she doesn't, you won't be disappointed.

 

I can't see anything good happening between you two at this point, to be honest.

[lost_in_chgo]

The emotional blankness and coldness is a defense mechanism.

 

Quit smoking.

Decide right now - what's more important? her or the cigarettes.

Yes that is what it comes down to.

 

If I can lose 40 pounds in 2 months (and have kept it off for 4 months), you can quit smoking.

 

So shut up and do it.

 

Next time you see her give her your lighter, cigarettes and any matches you have. If she doesn't care, quit anyway. You need to show her you've improved. Don't ask her for anything, just give her the stuff.

 

If you get the cravings, get the patch or some nicotine gum.

 

OK, so that's the second thing (job was first).

 

A couple that is a friend of our family just split up. She's a nurse, he was a smoker. It was a BIG issue.

 

Understand that you are going to have to maintain this for the rest of your relationship if she comes back. If you go back to smoking or choose unemployment or whatever, it's going to be a huge red flag and you wont get another chance.

 

So you say you are commited, now prove it. She's waiting to see if you stick to your guns. None of this hurts you. It's just difficult. So just do it and stick to it.