abusive and emotionally degrading/controlling men experiences?

[stoploss11]

How many have been through it and how often does it stir up?

 

How long do they stay nice for?

 

How long to women keep believing this time will be better?

[lapse]

4 year relationship

 

First 3-4 months was great, dream come true type times... hypnotic really.

 

Moved in together at 4 mo. in - posed by him as a good idea because I was going to either renew my lease or buy the house I was living in, which was 1.5 hours away from him and since we spent a lot of time together anyway, it would 'save us money' to move in together. So... I move into his house.

 

After moving in, I start getting weird feelings, like something isn't right... like I no longer have any personal space. I figure that I am just having a hard time adjusting because I've never lived with anyone before.

 

To make a long story short: a cycle of breakups ensues. It starts out at about every 3-4 months and goes to every 2 months within a year or so. In the meantime, guy proposes (after being together for 8 mo.). I accept, ring comes on and off, and finally the rings gets lost, maybe a year ago. We continue to break up - I'll fix something about me that he is constantly complaining about (e.g., sharing my budget), he moves onto some other complaint. The last 6 months the complaints have focused on my dependent. Anyway, final break up a month ago. I moved out over the weekend. Found that, despite my expectation that I would be devastated and empty and be blindsided by other losses I may not have properly grieved, right now I feel very peaceful. A little sad, but tremendously relieved.

 

So it goes...

[Omei]

How many have been through it and how often does it stir up?

 

I have been through it, 5 years, As far as I can remember something bad would occur weekly, verbal abuse was pretty constant, physical abuse would occur at random times sometimes out of a large fight sometimes out of almost nothing for just being me.

 

How long do they stay nice for?

 

Mine stayed nice for about the first 6 months, I moved in after 2 months. I noticed the behavior from what I can remember after a party with meeting his friends, I was a very shy girl and his friends thought I was being "snobby" when we got home its when the verbal abuse started and it got much much worse from there, It got to the point of physical abuse, manipulation, separation from friends and family, brain washing, even to a point where I thought it was a good idea to move to a total different city with the guy and the abuse only got far worse I was now cut off from everything and everyone and he was in total control! And I almost lost my life.

 

How long to women keep believing this time will be better?

Woman, esp young woman get into these relationships believing they are in love, esp when its your first relationship you're brainwashed to believe there is no different, they often become extremely dependant on the man after they've been cut off from everything making us think we cannot live or go on without them we're afraid to be alone. We'll think if we just act better, do better, if i can be the one to fix him, I can help him change because I love him and he loves me.....WRONG!

 

Its a very hard cycle to get out of and for some woman they never leave and end up dead! My baby saved me and now I know better and help other girls realize too!

[stoploss11]

Thank you for your reply. She too has a child w this guy. He tried to make her have an abortion for the first 4-5 months. Then after the baby was bron they moved in together.

 

The baby is now 15 months. He seemingly for the last 2-3 months has been acting like a good, responsible father. Now in the last 2 months or so its seems she may be trying to make it work. I really dont know anything asnymore.

 

She could just be afraid or doing it for her baby.

[Omei]

Thank you for your reply. She too has a child w this guy. He tried to make her have an abortion for the first 4-5 months. Then after the baby was bron they moved in together.

 

The baby is now 15 months. He seemingly for the last 2-3 months has been acting like a good, responsible father. Now in the last 2 months or so its seems she may be trying to make it work. I really dont know anything asnymore.

 

She could just be afraid or doing it for her baby.

 

 

Its good he's acting like a responsible father but key word there is "seemingly" abusive people are master's at manipulation and masking themselves as a good viewed person to others not inside his/her walls.

 

I hope for her sake what you say is true, that he really is being a good father and its not just a disguise, even with verbal abuse and constant fighting babies are very delicate and they can sense a mothers stress and it upsets them very very much, I have seen the effects of it.

 

They can shake with stress/fear, cry too hard for themselves and puke. They can also be ignored because the parents are too busy fighting to even notice these signs and cries.

Edited November 6, 2010 by Omei

[Angel1111]

You seem to be asking about this because someone you know and care about is in a relationship with an abusive man. This is an extremely tangled web and the most important thing I can suggest to you is that if you want to help her, you'll need to be someone that she can always turn to without getting too much judgement. She needs to feel safe in talking to you. Hopefully, she'll eventually get sick of this idiot and walk away. It's really too bad that she had a child by him because this means that she will be tied to him for many, many years in one way or another.

 

I think the important thing to understand is that she is making her own choices and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. No matter what kind of massive jerk he may be, she has made the choice to be with him. It's really doubtful that this will last but you never know. If you ever find out about physical abuse to her or the child, you'll need to do something like call the police, or get her to call them. But just understand that things that may be total dealbreakers to you, will not necessarily be that to her. These relationships are very sick and twisted. That's why she needs you to be a friend to her so that she realizes that there are still nice people in the world and that she needs to leave this guy.

 

If she ever talks to you about being unhappy or not understanding the relationship, recommend this book to her. It is the definitive book on abusive relationships: "Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft.