Relationship to "just friends?"

[annie]

First of all, I really enjoy reading the posts on this site. What I want is a guy's perspective on my situation. My b/f broke up with me right before he was going to leave for a month long business trip, then said we could be nothing but friends. I told him I wasn't hurt because I had met someone new anyway, as he had avoided me for about 3 weeks before leaving on his trip. Then he wrote the night he was to leave to catch his plane, and wanted to know if we should just let things go, or go our own ways. He returned from his trip a couple of weeks early, emailed me - said things didn't go well, and that he had been with a woman, but, for me not to worry - she was married, and it was just business. Then he wanted to know if things were going well with my new "friend." He still wants to keep in touch, and I for the life of me can't figure out how a couple can go from a very serious relationship to just being friends - and is this easy for you guys to do? Cause it sure isn't easy for me. And, I guess I wonder, what's the point? What are we supposed to talk about - the way we were, or about any new loves we may have in our lives? Come on - guys, give me some perspective on this. I was very much in love with this man, and he hurt me very much. I also had told him a few things which I had issues with him during our relationship - and, now as "friends," he seems to be working on those things. Any ideas or insights into this would be greatly appreciated.

[Elmer]

Hi Annie,

 

He slept with someone else and you had recently met someone new? That doesn't sound like a both-sided loving relationship to me. You said you loved him, but it all seems like a match of convenience to me.

 

I'm your counterpoint at the moment - my girlfriend wants to be friends after a long time of us being together, and that is not a situation that is easy for a guy who is in love to handle. Just the thought of possibly losing someone who may have been right for you after that amount of emotion is invested is crushing, much like you're feeling right now. So, no, I don't think guys have any different perspective to you gals.

 

And I don't think sleeping around with anyone else for whatever reason (or in your case, meeting someone new after 3 weeks of trouble) is acceptable. All this suggests to me is that he wasn't putting as much emotion/effort into your relationship as you were. And one-sided relationships don't work. Be strong and think of yourself. (At least that's what my friends and these wonderful people at Loveshack are saying, and I think it's working for me finally).

[Perry]

The guy is dreaming!!! If you break up with someone you have to leave it alone! This guy is probably just wanting to maintainance your feelings to relieve his guilt.

 

Go on and find a cool guy (like me!) hehe and move on with your life!

 

perry

First of all, I really enjoy reading the posts on this site. What I want is a guy's perspective on my situation. My b/f broke up with me right before he was going to leave for a month long business trip, then said we could be nothing but friends. I told him I wasn't hurt because I had met someone new anyway, as he had avoided me for about 3 weeks before leaving on his trip. Then he wrote the night he was to leave to catch his plane, and wanted to know if we should just let things go, or go our own ways. He returned from his trip a couple of weeks early, emailed me - said things didn't go well, and that he had been with a woman, but, for me not to worry - she was married, and it was just business. Then he wanted to know if things were going well with my new "friend." He still wants to keep in touch, and I for the life of me can't figure out how a couple can go from a very serious relationship to just being friends - and is this easy for you guys to do? Cause it sure isn't easy for me. And, I guess I wonder, what's the point? What are we supposed to talk about - the way we were, or about any new loves we may have in our lives? Come on - guys, give me some perspective on this. I was very much in love with this man, and he hurt me very much. I also had told him a few things which I had issues with him during our relationship - and, now as "friends," he seems to be working on those things. Any ideas or insights into this would be greatly appreciated.

[Tony T]

In some cases, it is possible. Two very mature people who have gread admiration for each other but know that for reasons beyond explanation romance can never be are very capable of pulling off a friendship.

 

Sometimes it can happen right away, other times it takes some time. In a mature situation, there's no good reason why two people can't part just because it isn't the right situation and still be friends on some level. However, because of so much craziness, ego stuff, etc. that happens during a break up, it makes friendship more difficult.

 

I think dating should have a strong basis in friendship. If there was no feeling of closeness beyond the physical chemistry, based on common beliefs, experiences, backgrounds, and a love for each other as individuals, that's probably why the break up occurred anyway.

 

Real love is simply a friendship that has caught fire. Love based on friendship is very difficult to destroy, even if the individuals go their own ways out of deep caring for the welfare of the other.