i am lost -

[2themoon&back]

And I think you are entitled to your opinion, won't change how I post, to whom I post or when I post. Thanks.

 

I never thought it would and I was not trying to change anything and am a little suprised you took it that way, just giving mho. at the same time letting Arlin know that sometimes a person who has never been in her situation may post on her thread and may not always understand where she is, so she (as someone else said) needs to filter these posts.

 

and you are very welcome:)

[arlin]

Love how you said that......and it's TRUE!

 

I get that an affair is not respectful or courteous to anyone, but if MM thought the OW was good enough to share his bed and the rest with, he damn well ought to be a big enough man to have enough courtesy and respect to tell her that it's over. That is the least he can do.

 

 

this is very well said and that is all am asking.

i wouldnt call the BS and ask to talk to the MM for the closure. i might hear words like 'dont you get it?' or other hurtful words that might be right to the situation and circumstances but not right for me and my position. thanks but i would rather not.

 

 

i keep thnking that he might just be too scared to lost his family. nothing is worth it. no one. not even me. and my mistake for believing otherwise. but the decency and respect am asking has nothing to do with anything, except his respect for me. clearly, i have been misled.

 

and when the BS rang me, i really didnt get away with any denial or lies. i knew that she knew. and for the life of me, she said to give her little respect by not lying anymore. i presume mm confessed and although i didnt actually lie, the first feeble attempt to deny just gave way, not to admission or confirmation but guilt ridden weak attempt to answer her questions. and all i could asked was if she thnks she can forgive the mm. and she said "anything for the children.." looking back, i think i sorta gave way. i didnt fight for him ( i cant, what right do i have. hello?) and even if did, well.. i shouldnt have to i guess, if he made a choice. if he wanted to me with me..

 

surely, i tried to protect him. tried to cover for him.ill do anything. i can imagine the grueling he has to go thru. the hardest part was admitting how long this has been going on. and she knew. because she said, this is not a fling if this has been going on this long..

 

everything is surreal. my house on the sand. the mm that is nowhere to be found. what else is there that is real? but all the pain the i feel deep down...

[eamherst14051]

My last post was tongue in cheek but in all reality the ONLY thing that will help you here is the TRUTH! TRUTH to your husband, even if he does not care, TRUTH to the OM, TRUTH to the OMW but most importantly, TRUTH to yourself. How can anything 'be' without the TRUTH! That's the only thing that will set you free.

[Ariadne]

that is all am asking...

nothing is worth it! no one! not even me!

my mistake for believing...

decency and respect am asking!

his respect for me!

clearly, i have been misled!!

i tried to protect him, ill do anything!

everything is surreal!!

my house on the sand!!!

what else is there that is real?!

all the pain the i feel deep down!

 

Yeah, sorry.

 

Life is cruel sometimes.

[fooled once]

Oddly enough, you say this...

 

And then go on to post a post full of supposition and allusions about things which you have no real knowledge of, proving the exact opposite of your quoted claim to be true.

 

Really? Exactly where was I a bitch? Trust me, I CAN be a bitch; but I wasn't. I never said I knew her situation, but as we hear all the time here; A's are the same in many ways. Feel free to PM me and show me where I was a bitch; so that you don't thread jack this thread anymore.

 

Because arlin has no business with this lady and doesn't owe her any explanation (discuss problems with husband instead).

 

Now, if she called and asked arlin very personal quesions, it was not in her place to do so and that is why it took some nerve.

 

Arlin was kind enough to respond.

 

She did have business with this lady - literally business AND she was having an affair with her husband. Let's see, the OW doesn't owe the wife any explanations, but the cheating pig owes the OW an apology/a goodbye/an explanation? Really?

 

I never said Arlin wasn't kind to the BS; and the BS was incredibly decent to the OW. She could have done all kinds of things; but she didn't. How is that for decency and respect!

 

Hi Arlin, you need to sort these posts out from the BSs who are constantly in there giving you their opinion and condemnation on every single OW board to those that genuinely understand how you got into this position. You need to be able to filter in other words.

 

And here we go -- once again, a poster deciding who has the right to post, whose opinions matter and what advice is good enough. Haven't we done this a zillion times here already? LET IT GO already!

 

Joking aside...perhaps a call to the wife wouldn't be totally unreasonable. Tell her u are just asking for closure and out of respect for her you'd like to ask permission of her to hear it from him. She would probably sincerely respect that and even throw his butt on the phone as fast as she could.

 

You are kidding right Karma? "Hi wife, I am the OW who has been having an affair with your H. Thank you for calling me the other day. I realize I didn't answer your questions nor was I honest with you; but would you mind putting your H on the phone? I would like for HIM to tell me it is over and I would like for him to apologize to me for the pain I am going through.".

 

 

We can argue all day about who owes who what.

 

Doesn't matter because NO ONE can control another person.

 

Arlin needs to come to terms with the fact that RIGHT NOW, the MM is not calling her to offer her .... an excuse, an apology, a goodbye. He has chosen - chosen - to let her twist in the wind. He might call her eventually, and want to start the affair up again. I hope that Arlin shuts him down. He is going to come up with all kinds of excuses as to why he hasn't called, etc. But ultimately, the fact remains, HE HAS NOT CALLED her. He got busted and he turned to his wife, not to the OW. The OW knew all along he wasn't leaving. She took the risk to continue to accept the little bit she got from him. She participated in the affair. The "blame" of the hurt lies within her - as she chose to have the affair. Doesn't matter that he pursued her - she could have said no, but she said yes.

 

How does she go on? She grieves and grieves and then goes forward. I hope that the fact that she has no answers won't cause her to spin in circles and not go forward. I DO understand the 'not knowing'. I have been in that situation and it SUCKS. SUCKS. But she cannot change the fact that she wasn't given a 'proper' goodbye. She cannot make him respect her enough to call and apologize. Where was his respect when he started an affair with her? He didn't respect her then, he isn't respecting her now.

 

Arlin, I am truly sorry you are hurting. OWN what you did; grieve it and then move forward. Focus on your children. Go home and see them. Can you not find work closer to home so you can be with them? I couldn't understand from your previous post - are you only in your current country to be with the MM? Now that it is over, can you go home? Or do you plan to wait and see if he returns?

 

I also am sorry you are married to someone who you are not happy with. I have also been married previously and it sucks also when you are in that kind of situation. I hope you can find happiness. Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

I never thought it would and I was not trying to change anything and am a little suprised you took it that way, just giving mho. at the same time letting Arlin know that sometimes a person who has never been in her situation may post on her thread and may not always understand where she is, so she (as someone else said) needs to filter these posts.

 

and you are very welcome:)

 

I apologize if I misunderstood what you meant. I get kind of tired of people continuelly telling others where, why and how to post. I assumed (incorrectly it appears)that you aren't among that group.

[on a learning curve]

this is very well said and that is all am asking.

i wouldnt call the BS and ask to talk to the MM for the closure. i might hear words like 'dont you get it?' or other hurtful words that might be right to the situation and circumstances but not right for me and my position. thanks but i would rather not.

 

 

i keep thnking that he might just be too scared to lost his family. nothing is worth it. no one. not even me. and my mistake for believing otherwise. but the decency and respect am asking has nothing to do with anything, except his respect for me. clearly, i have been misled.

 

and when the BS rang me, i really didnt get away with any denial or lies. i knew that she knew. and for the life of me, she said to give her little respect by not lying anymore. i presume mm confessed and although i didnt actually lie, the first feeble attempt to deny just gave way, not to admission or confirmation but guilt ridden weak attempt to answer her questions. and all i could asked was if she thnks she can forgive the mm. and she said "anything for the children.." looking back, i think i sorta gave way. i didnt fight for him ( i cant, what right do i have. hello?) and even if did, well.. i shouldnt have to i guess, if he made a choice. if he wanted to me with me..

 

surely, i tried to protect him. tried to cover for him.ill do anything. i can imagine the grueling he has to go thru. the hardest part was admitting how long this has been going on. and she knew. because she said, this is not a fling if this has been going on this long..

 

everything is surreal. my house on the sand. the mm that is nowhere to be found. what else is there that is real? but all the pain the i feel deep down...

 

Arlin, you really need to stop beating yourself up, really hun.

 

You and your MM are adults, and both of you knew what you were getting involved in when you chose to participate in the affair. You seem to have such an emotional investment in your MM's feelings, and I don't think that is doing you a great service right now. I can appreciate how difficult it must be to try and move forward, to grieve without an endpoint, but, that is the REAL you must start with.

 

If he was any man at all, he would call with a goodbye. He is equally to blame for the A, and yet he took the coward's way out when **** hit the fan. There is nothing you can do about that, and no matter how much you fret over it, you cannot change that reality.

 

Start with you - you did everything you could to be respectful in the aftermath of this mess. He did not. Please put your notions of what he is going through aside, and focus on you. Your house is on sand only if you refuse to move.

[BB07]

Arlin, you really need to stop beating yourself up, really hun.

 

You and your MM are adults, and both of you knew what you were getting involved in when you chose to participate in the affair. You seem to have such an emotional investment in your MM's feelings, and I don't think that is doing you a great service right now. I can appreciate how difficult it must be to try and move forward, to grieve without an endpoint, but, that is the REAL you must start with.

 

Great post and it is your reality Arlin

 

If he was any man at all, he would call with a goodbye. He is equally to blame for the A, and yet he took the coward's way out when **** hit the fan. There is nothing you can do about that, and no matter how much you fret over it, you cannot change that reality.

 

Start with you - you did everything you could to be respectful in the aftermath of this mess. He did not. Please put your notions of what he is going through aside, and focus on you. Your house is on sand only if you refuse to move.

 

Great post and it is your REALITY Arlin, you do have to deal with what you've got right now.

You can get through the pain and you'll get past it but you do have to feel it and accept that you aren't going to get what you want. One day at a time hon.

[KarmasTestDummy]

You are kidding right Karma? "Hi wife, I am the OW who has been having an affair with your H. Thank you for calling me the other day. I realize I didn't answer your questions nor was I honest with you; but would you mind putting your H on the phone? I would like for HIM to tell me it is over and I would like for him to apologize to me for the pain I am going through.".

 

 

Lmbo...yes I was kidding. Sorta...out of pure desperation, who knows, it might work.

[arlin]

nobody wants to be in this situation. of course i know what i should do, i did know - long time ago. i should have not started this. and now i know i should move on. but at this very point, i am grieving for the loss and for the disappointment this has brought me. serves me right i know. but then, too late for blame and regrets. and no, i dont do that. seriously.

 

i will move on. thank you for your kind and unkind support and jolts. i am trying to come into terms with everything that is happening. its all a myriad of emotion. all my questions- i know will never be answered. i will move on. once im done grieving.. the past days were so, i dunno. and this week, is worse.

 

im not getting any closure anymore. i have to do it. wahtever pain and disappointment i have, well..

 

all i know is that i was sincere and i love him genuinely. somewhre somehow i have to start picking up the pieces.

[steelknife]

nobody wants to be in this situation. of course i know what i should do, i did know - long time ago. i should have not started this. and now i know i should move on. but at this very point, i am grieving for the loss and for the disappointment this has brought me. serves me right i know. but then, too late for blame and regrets. and no, i dont do that. seriously.

 

 

im not getting any closure anymore. i have to do it. wahtever pain and disappointment i have, well..

 

all i know is that i was sincere and i love him genuinely. somewhre somehow i have to start picking up the pieces.

 

it is a choice bet you and the bs. he chose them.

accept it and move on. your questions will never be answered.

[arlin]

fooled once

 

im not here in my current country bec of him. i am here because i have a job and i met him here. i have a contract with the company im working with so there is no way i could go back home till i finish my contract.

 

i cant move houses bec the employer pays for my accomodation.

 

 

im starting to feel more hurt and confused. when is this going to stop? there is already anger looming in my heart as to why this is happening and where is the love i thought we have? im fine with he has to leave me. although if i can change that i will - but how can we go on living, knowing he dropped someone and left out with no nothing? there is no such thing as "given" or understood..

 

i guess there is... i know i need to help myself and start on my own. i have to. i read other posts here to help me move on. some are really inspiring. i try to picture myself down the lane months from today. surely it wouldnt be hurting as much anymore.

 

im just glad there is no way he and i will bump into each other.. (shrug)