i am lost -

[2themoon&back]

my story is the same with all the other OW who posts here.

i love my mm so much i was so willing to be an ow. i do get difficulties and questions, hurts, pain. but truth of the matter, its not easy. why i stay; i love him.

 

we were together for 2 years and 3 mos then the wife found out about me. she rang me and talked to me politely asking if the relationship i am having with her husband is serious enough to break up her family. and if it is, she is willing to "hand over" her husband.

 

i was lost for words. first, of the discovery. how? (confirmation must have come from the mm) and i didnt ask where does mm stand in all of this? i am not in the position to say what i want. i want him of course. but if he wanted me, i would have known then.

 

ive always known where i stand in the relationship. i know, there is never a choice between his family and me and i i accepted that. most times, how i wish i am the primary woman but i know my place and i love him thats why i accept it.

i am also a mw by the way, but my h and kids are back home in our country.

 

when we hung up, i dont know what the conversation achieved. i didnt refuse her offer but didnt really accept it because i wanted to know what the mm has to say, but i didnt ask. she also didnt say anything except that she is willing to forgive him for the kids even if it will really makes her unhappy.

 

and i am just devastated bec i couldnt believe how he can drop me just like that. i dont expect anything of grandeur. just a simple call of explanation and the choice he made. but it never came. i believed all he said that he couldnt live with out me. and ive proven that, many times, when our misunderstanding would lead to break up, he would always come back. weve broken up many times, for the sake of correcting what is wrong, for the sake of our conscience, but we always get back together.

sadly, we have never talked about what to do if the wife finds out bec i guess, it was given; he would choose his fam and we would end.

but one part of me is so hurt. actually, all parts of me. i can not accept i am rejected like this even if i knew and accepted that. i can not accept that i would be dumped just like this. where were those times he said he cant live with out me, or how much he loves me. or the times, the effort he makes just to talk to me or see me. or make a 3 min call just to tell me how much he loves me or misses me? does it all sum up to just this?

my pain is such that i am llike a zombie at work. i hardly eat. i am so hurt. and i miss him so much but ill never call him.

 

i know his work schedule and the usual times he calls me as we have developed a pattern. and its gone now. but how can he just leave me with out as much as a goodbye?

 

I am so so so sorry for your pain.... I have been there and I know the shock you are going through, this is an awful place to be. My heart goes out to you.

 

I wish I had great words to say right now and I know nothing would help or make things feel better.

 

So in the mean time please be kind to you, OW tend to beat their self up at this point and it is not necessary. Just take time to feel everything you are feeling and just go through the motions for now --this is going to take a minute to get your footing, and this hurts and it hurts a lot, so keep posting and you will find support.

 

I am sorry the MM disappointed you in this way...he chose to be involved with you he should have been the one to end it with you not let his w do it for him.

 

Big hugs for you ... I am sorry again you are in so much pain.

[on a learning curve]

I meant her betrayed spouse.

 

Clear now. thank you.

[arlin]

I didn't ask you if you would choose the MM over your H - that is obvious that you would. I asked if you would choose the MM over your kids. I find it sad that you are choosing to wrap your life

 

the circumstances. for all that, a simple talk of letting go, hav to and goodbye would suffice...

thats all i want.

 

AF = Affair Partner

BS = Betrayed Spouse

 

 

you if you do not get out of this situation.

 

It sounds like you are NOT happy just being the OW; that you want more. And you deserve to be someone's MAIN priority; not just their side fling.

 

youre right. im not happy. but i ws in it bec i love him. i never want to break up his family. but i didnt want to be just the ow forever. i guess i decided to just go with the flow and just have him while i still can. falling deeper and deeper in love in the process.

i believe he loved me. but he chose his family and at this very point, i am hurt. i am doing my best to move on. some things i just would want to have closure.

[on a learning curve]

Your lover should have been the one to tell you - it's as simple as that.

 

The fact that he was too much of a coward, and wanted you to lie, says alot. He isn't worth your time, hun.

[arlin]

I am so so so sorry for your pain.... I have been there and I know the shock you are going through, this is an awful place to be. My heart goes out to you.

 

I wish I had great words to say right now and I know nothing would help or make things feel better.

 

So in the mean time please be kind to you, OW tend to beat their self up at this point and it is not necessary. Just take time to feel everything you are feeling and just go through the motions for now --this is going to take a minute to get your footing, and this hurts and it hurts a lot, so keep posting and you will find support.

 

I am sorry the MM disappointed you in this way...he chose to be involved with you he should have been the one to end it with you not let his w do it for him.

 

Big hugs for you ... I am sorry again you are in so much pain.

 

thank you. eversince i got into this kind of relationship, i have beenreading online for help on how to end, how to leave. but i cant. there is more to having this relationship that the simple "affair"

it is so painful so full of paradox.

and it is not easy to end.

and the day the wife called me, ive been doing nothing after work but search online for help then i found this forum. i am thankful i can have a place to vent and have some people with all sorts of opinion come down on me. i dont mind.

but i know it will take time for me to get over this. i cant accept this is happening to me, that he did this to me. that is whats painful.

[wheelwright]

Yes, he is a coward. He was a coward the entire time you were with him. That's not a revelation. So you think you deserve a goodbye...do you think his BS deserved something from him as well. Why does your goodbye mean more than her deserving to know you were involved in her life without her knowledge. I don't think anyone should be hurt, but for the life of me I don't get why anyone would seem angry, hurt, surprised or anything else when the person they are helping to cheat shows the same lack of decent character traits to you that they showed to the BS. It boggles the mind.

 

It's because you think he loves you but only has duty for them. Really. That's why it's hard. Either you delude yourself, or he does it. Both.

 

These people believe in love. They believe duty wouldn't hold - they are after all in love also.

 

That is not to say they don't see the BS deserves something.

 

Basically, I wouldn't have an A if I thought I wouldn't leave to be with my new love.

 

But we (MOW) get our heads round this in the end -

 

People feel a lot for their spouse even if their is a lot of unhappiness

 

The happiness of others figures

 

cowardice and bravery sit on the table, and in an A, it's hard to know which cards to hold and which to fold. When your (emotional) pot also feeds your family.

 

It's a big gamble. People often hold off on a big gamble - however good the hand.

 

Maybe only the royal flush As work out?

[bentnotbroken]

thank you. eversince i got into this kind of relationship, i have beenreading online for help on how to end, how to leave. but i cant. there is more to having this relationship that the simple "affair"

it is so painful so full of paradox.

and it is not easy to end.

and the day the wife called me, ive been doing nothing after work but search online for help then i found this forum. i am thankful i can have a place to vent and have some people with all sorts of opinion come down on me. i dont mind.

but i know it will take time for me to get over this. i cant accept this is happening to me, that he did this to me. that is whats painful.

 

 

He only did what you let him do. Half of the resposibility for what you, he and his wife are going through is on your shoulders. Now is time to face that and take responsibility for getting out of it. Saying you can't do it is equal to saying you don't really want to get out of it.

[on a learning curve]

thank you. eversince i got into this kind of relationship, i have beenreading online for help on how to end, how to leave. but i cant. there is more to having this relationship that the simple "affair"

it is so painful so full of paradox.

and it is not easy to end.

and the day the wife called me, ive been doing nothing after work but search online for help then i found this forum. i am thankful i can have a place to vent and have some people with all sorts of opinion come down on me. i dont mind.

but i know it will take time for me to get over this. i cant accept this is happening to me, that he did this to me. that is whats painful.

 

You will be just fine. "He" didn't do anything to you. A minor setback is all. Keep your heart open.

[alwaysthinking]

I am so sorry for your pain. Right or wrong, you had a relationship with this man, and he certainly does owe you goodbye or an explanation, or closure of some type. BUT, that doesn't mean he will. Unfortunately, we have little to no control over the behavior of others. At this point, you need to accept things how they are, pain and all, and keep moving ahead (even if it means dragging yourself ahead!). He will likely reappear at some point, and then you will have to decide if you are going to keep moving on, or risk going through these feelings again. There is no right or wrong answer- you have to do what you can live with. Morally, an affair is never right, but realistically, life is not simple, and sometimes these situations occur despite our knowing that we should run away. Once the feelings take root, it is so hard to move on. I know. As a dear friend of mine used to always say- "one day at a time"- not terribly profound, but if you really believe that, you will get through this. Thinking of you!

[Ariadne]

??? "the nerve"? really?? She called - and was NOT demanding or belittling or disrespectful at ALL to the mistress. Why are you making ASSumptions that she is demanding? why do you say she had nerve to call?

 

Because arlin has no business with this lady and doesn't owe her any explanation (discuss problems with husband instead).

 

Now, if she called and asked arlin very personal quesions, it was not in her place to do so and that is why it took some nerve.

 

Arlin was kind enough to respond.

[on a learning curve]

Because arlin has no business with this lady and doesn't owe her any explanation (discuss problems with husband instead).

 

Now, if she called and asked arlin very personal quesions, it was not in her place to do so and that is why it took some nerve.

 

Arlin was kind enough to respond.

 

Exactley, Arlin. Let it go with your integrity intact.

[arlin]

Exactley, Arlin. Let it go with your integrity intact.

 

actually she has a business with me. i have an affair with her husband but i am in such a awe with her behaviour i cant help but respect her. she has her reason. she said,kids. she said her family. she didnt say anything about her and him.

she has all the right to scream or swear at me. i am attacking the very core unit of her life. her family. her husband.

but it is not entirely my fault, the mm pursued me.relentlessly and my fault i guess, to this day, is giving in. and falling in love.

 

i wish i can just move on. eventually i know i can and i will. but at this point, it is like my whole word has crashed on me. my fault for building a house on sands...

 

my only mistake is loving him. i didnt want to break his family, i didnt want to be forever the mistress. i love him and i am willing to sacrifice. he knows how much i accepted him as a package. i know i am stupid. i just coulndt accept the fact that if i love him that much, or he to me, as i thought he did, and he said...

 

how can he just drop me. all things being equal. i deserve a goodbye.

Edited October 17, 2010 by arlin

[bentnotbroken]

actually she has a business with me. i have an affair with her husband but i am in such a awe with her behaviour i cant help but respect her. she has her reason. she said,kids. she said her family. she didnt say anything about her and him.

she has all the right to scream or swear at me. i am attacking the very core unit of her life. her family. her husband.

but it is not entirely my fault, the mm pursued me.relentlessly and my fault i guess, to this day, is giving in. and falling in love.

 

i wish i can just move on. eventually i know i can and i will. but at this point, it is like my whole word has crashed on me. my fault for building a house on sands...

 

my only mistake is loving him. i didnt want to break his family, i didnt want to be forever the mistress. i love him and i am willing to sacrifice. he knows how much i accepted him as a package. i know i am stupid. i just coulndt accept the fact that if i love him that much, or he to me, as i thought he did, and he said...

 

how can he just drop me. all things being equal. i deserve a goodbye.

 

That's the point. All things aren't equal. You seem to feel very little concern for your own family. Just how you feel he let you down. What did you do to let others down? What was equal for them or what is owed to them? There is something wrong with this picture.

[woinlove]

Because arlin has no business with this lady and doesn't owe her any explanation (discuss problems with husband instead).

 

Now, if she called and asked arlin very personal quesions, it was not in her place to do so and that is why it took some nerve.

 

Arlin was kind enough to respond.

 

Actually, arlin said she and the wife already knew each other before this phone call. Like arlin, I'm impressed that the W showed no anger or hostility. The MM's W who confronted me was not nearly so restrained.

 

However, what matters here is that arlin is hurting because of the behavior of the MM, not because of his W's behavior. Arlin, I agree that if he really cared he would have contacted you. However, it doesn't mean that he won't come back some time in the future.

[arlin]

That's the point. All things aren't equal. You seem to feel very little concern for your own family. Just how you feel he let you down. What did you do to let others down? What was equal for them or what is owed to them? There is something wrong with this picture.

 

EVERYTHING is wrong with this picture. i know that i admit that. right from the start, it shouldnt have happened. or if it did, it shouldnt have lasted this long. or we shouldnt have gotten involved this deep.

 

but it is there. thats the facts presented. as ive said, my only fault is loving him. ive gone thru a lot of other ow stories and of course, not everyone will see it the way the ow see and feels it. it is painful to be in this position. i never left because i love him and dont you thnk i didnt try? i did. many times. at the end of the day, i stayed because i love him. in this day and age, and the education we have, i cant explain why i just didnt use my head.

 

i treated him with respect. and i deserve to be told, even if it is just to say he is leaving me.

 

and as for the other person i am hurting. he doesnt care.

 

the issue here is yes, maybe my affair.

my fault to the wife

and the fact that im left on my own with not so much as "go"

i dont deserve that. it just isnt anywhere equal to the love and tenderness we shared.

tahnk you for all your input. i need them.

[seren]

Arlin, my H did the same to the woman he had an affair with, I thought he should have contacted her to give closure, but he chose not to. Personally, I think it is cowardly and the lack of closure must have you wondering what went wrong and how him promising the moon has ended so abruptly, you sound hurt - I hope you have someone to support you through this. Having said that, you also read like you think you deserve less than a loving relationship and that you deserve this. Sorry, but no one deserves to be hurt, I know you entered into an A and have a part in all that, but, even as a BS I hated to think of someone hurting - sounds like the married man's wife understands that too.

 

After a D Day, if the MM stays, it is a time where the marriage becomes the priority and no one else exists, it has to be like that. Again, I am sorry to say that I don't think you will ever have closure from this man, my H has never spoken to OW other than to text, it's over. It wasn't me doing that, but him, she too couldn't understand how he could do this, but I did as I know the man, the MM's wife probably knows her husband too. Many OW think that the wife becomes all controlling after D Day, fact is, very often the MM is doing all he can to stop his wife leaving.

 

I don't think anyone deserves pain, nor does anyone deserve to feel they should be treated with anything less than respect, irrespective of their part in the hurting of others. Two wrongs do not make a right - I hope you find peace and I hope you can make a decision about your own marriage and situation. Take care of yourself.

Seren.

[arlin]

Arlin, my H did the same to the woman he had an affair with, I thought he should have contacted her to give closure, but he chose not to. Personally, I think it is cowardly and the lack of closure must have you wondering what went wrong and how him promising the moon has ended so abruptly, you sound hurt - I hope you have someone to support you through this. Having said that, you also read like you think you deserve less than a loving relationship and that you deserve this. Sorry, but no one deserves to be hurt, I know you entered into an A and have a part in all that, but, even as a BS I hated to think of someone hurting - sounds like the married man's wife understands that too.

 

After a D Day, if the MM stays, it is a time where the marriage becomes the priority and no one else exists, it has to be like that. Again, I am sorry to say that I don't think you will ever have closure from this man, my H has never spoken to OW other than to text, it's over. It wasn't me doing that, but him, she too couldn't understand how he could do this, but I did as I know the man, the MM's wife probably knows her husband too. Many OW think that the wife becomes all controlling after D Day, fact is, very often the MM is doing all he can to stop his wife leaving.

 

I don't think anyone deserves pain, nor does anyone deserve to feel they should be treated with anything less than respect, irrespective of their part in the hurting of others. Two wrongs do not make a right - I hope you find peace and I hope you can make a decision about your own marriage and situation. Take care of yourself.

Seren.

 

seren,

i thank you for your insight. i know it is the truth and it truly truly hurts.

it is ripping my insides apart but i know youre right. i know how much he values his family, he might not be the perfect husband. but i cant fault him as a father.

everything you said in your comment rings so true. i know the fight that occured is a big blow to him and i know he is doing all he can to keep his family togehter since all that happened, the very reason it is shaken, is him.

 

i know what i should do. long time ago, i already did but never had the guts to leave or end, or turn him away each time he comes back. and as ive read somewhere that i will never get a closure from this man. i guess so....

 

am not asking much. just so he gives me little respect as to tell me. weve been thru a lot, not as much as their 17years marriage but a lot. i loved him with all i could despite the situation. but i guess these things, will never be answered.

 

i should be glad in a way. that it has ended. i was hurting and happy and hurting. and hurting.

 

ive loved him like no one, he knew that. and he often tells me that he knew. i guess i just have to accept that i didnt mean to him as much as he meant to me. or anywhere near what i expected him to. or what i believed he did...

 

sometimes i still couldnt believe the mess ive gotten myself into...im not asking much. just the respect. im not any fling or one night stand. i was part of his life. i deserved a goodbye....

[BB07]

seren,

i thank you for your insight. i know it is the truth and it truly truly hurts.

it is ripping my insides apart but i know youre right. i know how much he values his family, he might not be the perfect husband. but i cant fault him as a father.

everything you said in your comment rings so true. i know the fight that occured is a big blow to him and i know he is doing all he can to keep his family togehter since all that happened, the very reason it is shaken, is him.

 

i know what i should do. long time ago, i already did but never had the guts to leave or end, or turn him away each time he comes back. and as ive read somewhere that i will never get a closure from this man. i guess so....

 

am not asking much. just so he gives me little respect as to tell me. weve been thru a lot, not as much as their 17years marriage but a lot. i loved him with all i could despite the situation. but i guess these things, will never be answered.

 

i should be glad in a way. that it has ended. i was hurting and happy and hurting. and hurting.

 

ive loved him like no one, he knew that. and he often tells me that he knew. i guess i just have to accept that i didnt mean to him as much as he meant to me. or anywhere near what i expected him to. or what i believed he did...

 

sometimes i still couldnt believe the mess ive gotten myself into...im not asking much. just the respect. im not any fling or one night stand. i was part of his life. i deserved a goodbye....

 

Arlen..you DO deserve a goodbye from him and frankly what kind of asshat doesn't do that? You shared your heart, love and your body with him, so yes he owes you a explanation instead of being a cowardly asshat. I don't care as to what has went on with him and his wife, if he has decided to reconcile with her, still the least he can do is to tell you in a short phone call.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and if you aren't angry yet, you will be. Remember this hurt and this anger if/when he does come knocking at your door and don't forget how disrespectful and hurtful just disappearing is. No one deserves a disappearing act, don't forget that.

[arlin]

Arlen..you DO deserve a goodbye from him and frankly what kind of asshat doesn't do that? You shared your heart, love and your body with him, so yes he owes you a explanation instead of being a cowardly asshat. I don't care as to what has went on with him and his wife, if he has decided to reconcile with her, still the least he can do is to tell you in a short phone call.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and if you aren't angry yet, you will be. Remember this hurt and this anger if/when he does come knocking at your door and don't forget how disrespectful and hurtful just disappearing is. No one deserves a disappearing act, don't forget that.

 

 

yes i know. i do deserve that. and that is all am asking now. maybe at the end of all this, it is the fact that he dumped is all that is hurting me. i said it, i know it ; that he would always go back to his family. but maybe deep inside, i wanted him to come to me. i just didnt want to say it.

i dunno..irregardless. all has been sad and done. i am hurting so bad i dunno where or how to start anew.i keep thnking of him and how he is doing and i ask myself why?

 

if he is so much as concerned for me and what im feeling, he would at least text just so i know but i guess at this very point.. i have no choice but to accept this is just how the cookie crumbles and seriously, no point hanging around.

 

all my questions will never be answered. but the time the answers come, i wont care anymore.. i never failed to let him know how much i love him. and he to me. but i guess some things are just not meant to me. some things, just can never be..

 

at this very point, i need to be assured that it was what i thought it was.. but i dunno...

 

geez..i really dont know what i should do. well, i know...and i hope i get there.. thank you for all your support. i found mine here.

[bentnotbroken]

yes i know. i do deserve that. and that is all am asking now. maybe at the end of all this, it is the fact that he dumped is all that is hurting me. i said it, i know it ; that he would always go back to his family. but maybe deep inside, i wanted him to come to me. i just didnt want to say it.

i dunno..irregardless. all has been sad and done. i am hurting so bad i dunno where or how to start anew.i keep thnking of him and how he is doing and i ask myself why?

 

if he is so much as concerned for me and what im feeling, he would at least text just so i know but i guess at this very point.. i have no choice but to accept this is just how the cookie crumbles and seriously, no point hanging around.

 

all my questions will never be answered. but the time the answers come, i wont care anymore.. i never failed to let him know how much i love him. and he to me. but i guess some things are just not meant to me. some things, just can never be..

 

at this very point, i need to be assured that it was what i thought it was.. but i dunno...

 

geez..i really dont know what i should do. well, i know...and i hope i get there.. thank you for all your support. i found mine here.

 

 

This man did the exact same things to his wife. He gave her no answers, he cheated instead. He gave her no respect, he cheated instead. He lied to her by cheating. Where is he going to get all this respect that he owes you? He hasn't displayed that he is even capable of what you are asking for. He cannot give what he does not possess.

[arlin]

you have a point there bbnb. everything was based on deceit. i was surreal. he was real but not. yet i didnt take heed. i still plunge head on and didnt leave some for myself.

 

i cant stop thnking of him and what he, THEY, are doing. i know i shouldnt, why the hell should i thnk of them when i know i should thnk of me and this mess im in..

 

question is. how or where do i start?

[BB07]

you have a point there bbnb. everything was based on deceit. i was surreal. he was real but not. yet i didnt take heed. i still plunge head on and didnt leave some for myself.

 

i cant stop thnking of him and what he, THEY, are doing. i know i shouldnt, why the hell should i thnk of them when i know i should thnk of me and this mess im in..

 

question is. how or where do i start?

 

Arlin, (sorry about the name thing before), no one else can do it for you. You've got to pick yourself up by the boot straps and get on with it. I know it hurts, it hurts like hell and you've got to grieve it and feel the pain in order to move on from it, but yet you can't torture yourself with thoughts about why......what if and what he or they are doing. You have to turn those thoughts off. There is a difference between grieving and feeling the pain and torturing yourself, realize what the difference is.

You also need to prepare yourself for what your plan is if he contacts you again and he probably will. You've got to decide if this is something you can handle as it is or are you going to ask him for more? Also.......you need to keep in mind how badly you are hurting right now and how he just discarded you like a wet dishrag, that is NOT love nor is it respectful. Figure out what you will and won't tolerate and then act accordingly if he comes back but in the mean time feel the pain but stop the torture.

 

Hugs........

[2themoon&back]

Yes, he is a coward. He was a coward the entire time you were with him. That's not a revelation. So you think you deserve a goodbye...do you think his BS deserved something from him as well. Why does your goodbye mean more than her deserving to know you were involved in her life without her knowledge. I don't think anyone should be hurt, but for the life of me I don't get why anyone would seem angry, hurt, surprised or anything else when the person they are helping to cheat shows the same lack of decent character traits to you that they showed to the BS. It boggles the mind.

 

I feel the time will come when arlin will feel remorse and she may now, but i would guess that is not why she is posting on the OW/OM forum, she is posting here to express how hurt she is and seeking help on how to deal with it.

 

I doubt you or anyone at this point telling her she needs to be concerned with the BS, MM, or MM family, unless you are just trying to instill guilt in her. I am sure there is going to be plenty of that coming in its own time.

 

Right now I would guess she is trying understand her feelings and what to do with them—and what has happened to her ... give her a minute to get her footing before you start on her about ALL the damage she may have done to the BS... and let her deal with the damage that the MM has done to her and the damage she may have done to herself by being involved with MM.

 

I am sure she is posting here for support not court!!

[arlin]

[/b]

 

I feel the time will come when arlin will feel remorse and she may now, but i would guess that is not why she is posting on the OW/OM forum, she is posting here to express how hurt she is and seeking help on how to deal with it.

 

what has happened to her ... give her a minute to get her footing before you start on her about ALL the damage she may have done to the BS... and let her deal with the damage that the MM has done to her and the damage she may have done to herself by being involved with MM.

 

I am sure she is posting here for support not court!!

 

thank you 2themoon&back and to all the other posts, kind and unkind.

you hit it in the nail when you said what am here for. i am busy dealing with the pain, rejection and humiliation i feel now to feel anything else. i am dragging my foot, shuffling, licking my wound and hanging my head low and asking why.

 

i know others might say i deserve this. for getting into an affair, or going out with mm. i know that. as i said, i knew where i stood in the relationship. and although i didnt want that, i stayed bec i love him. that is the only genuine reason. and i believed he did too. he said so. i just couldnt come into terms with how he can leave me with out saying goodbye.

 

i am not ready to let go. i wouldnt if i have a choice, altho admittedly, it brings down my spirit most of the time; it was becoming exhausting but i put up with it bec as i said, i am blindly in love.

 

right from the start, i know he would always choose his family i would want to say "choose me, choose me". but i never do bec in a way, ive come to sort of love them, the way i love mm. my mm and his package.. something might be missing in his relationship with his wife, but they share a bond that i will never have a chance to share with him.

 

i just thought that with what he and i shared. he wouldnt just walk out on me. i knew and accepted that if d day will come, it will have to end. we never got around to talking about it, we both knew that we couldnt handle discussing it. he knows of course the worst that could happen..but i know he wouldnt leave me just like that. but he did.

 

and that is what i couldnt handle.. have you ever felt what its like to be on the outside looking in? being the ow afforded me that position and it hurts. now it is worse, the door has been slammed in my face.. i am standing at the doorway. lost. hurt. but i couldnt bring myself to walk away because, like all human, ow or not, loved or not so loved, i want to say goodbye...

 

 

thank you for listening.

[seren]

Hi Arlin, I was wondering how you were and now I know, you are very, very hurt and for that I am sorry.

No one should feel hurt because they love, love should never, ever hurt so much. As a person, I am sorry the MM has just left without an explanation, as a BS, I understand why he is doing that. That his wife didn't discuss he and she might mean that she doesn't think that they have anything to do with you - sorry of that sounds harsh, but that is how I felt.

 

I would hazard a guess that he is concentrating on his mariage, and while that might hurt, it is probably what is going on. I think that some MM genuinely mean what they say when they are in the moment, and genuinely mean what they say when they are in a different moment. D day brings a reality to things and the MM or MW have to look at what the A was and make a decision as to what the next stage is, or the BS makes that for them and throws them out. It of course, doesn't make it easier for you, but it is what it is.

 

I will not speculate on whether he loved or cared for you, but you loved and cared for him and that is not easy to switch off, if indeed it ever is. The next few weeks will be hard for you as you try to make sense of everything, you will ask yourself if he meant any of it, how could he do this to you when he said so much more. As a BS I understand the mind boggling confusion this brings, I also understand the hurt and pain, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

There is nothing anyone can say to give you the answers you want and need - only the MM can do that, and he isn't. I sat for 3 weeks just numb, hurt beyond belief with all sorts of pictures in my head - when you go through that, if you go through that, please be assured that it does stop, the hurt does go away. You may never get the answers you need from him, but perhaps you should ask yourself what to do next?

 

You say you have a family and children in another country - can you go home to see them? It might help for you to see what you have got, that you are loved.

I hope you find Peace x