i am lost -

[arlin]

thank you seren.

 

i know one thing for sure; he has left me. dumped me. and as ive said, how could you just leave someone with out saying goodbye..? i try so hard to understand but i am jsut so hurt beyond disbelief.

 

on quiet times. i try to rationalize and understand his situation. must not be easy but at all cost, if it happened to me, i would say goodbye. after all, she did mean something to me. it has been more that a week now and i know the times he is free to call me but he hasnt. i am as zombie as one could ever be. i am so numb.

 

or maybe, i jsut didnt mean like how i believed i meant.

[lovingagain]

Hi Arlin, you need to sort these posts out from the BSs who are constantly in there giving you their opinion and condemnation on every single OW board to those that genuinely understand how you got into this position. You need to be able to filter in other words.

Not getting an answer from your MM is really horrible and something that I would not allow to happen. I would be contacting HIM for closure. You had a long relationship which is obviously love (not a small fling like those BNB husband had and Seren) and he is burying his head in the sand for now (something that MMs do). It is truly painful. This cannot be over until you hear it from him and if he wants to work on his marriage he needs to tell you NOT HER. I was thinking you just do not know what the BS has told him that you said in response??? If I were a BS I would want him to tell the OW it is over, how can you believe it is over unless that happens. i have had several times where my MM has gone quiet for a week or so but came back when things cooled down, some BSs would translate this to mean that he could get away with it so he came back, but I know him enough to know that he was greatly conflicted as when he came back, he always missed me terribly (not for sex as when he did, he would hug and kiss me only). I feel your pain and understand. It is whether I can stand this happening again and again that is the problem for me and other OW in a similar position.

[jennie-jennie]

I read this post once by a wayward spouse. She said that on Dday seeing her husband hurt, all she could think of was how to reduce his pain. At this time she did not feel the love for her married other man. Her husband's pain overshadowed all such feelings.

 

Later on in time, when her husband's pain had diminished, which admittedly doesn't go quick in these affairs, her love for her married other man resurfaced again to as far as I know never go away.

 

Could this be the case in your scenario too?

[bentnotbroken]

[/b]

 

I feel the time will come when arlin will feel remorse and she may now, but i would guess that is not why she is posting on the OW/OM forum, she is posting here to express how hurt she is and seeking help on how to deal with it.

 

I doubt you or anyone at this point telling her she needs to be concerned with the BS, MM, or MM family, unless you are just trying to instill guilt in her. I am sure there is going to be plenty of that coming in its own time.

 

Right now I would guess she is trying understand her feelings and what to do with them—and what has happened to her ... give her a minute to get her footing before you start on her about ALL the damage she may have done to the BS... and let her deal with the damage that the MM has done to her and the damage she may have done to herself by being involved with MM.

 

I am sure she is posting here for support not court!!

 

 

And I think you are entitled to your opinion, won't change how I post, to whom I post or when I post. Thanks.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Honestly, I do think she deserves a goodbye. And, it's not that her goodbye means anything more than just that - a goodbye. Seems a reasonable request, and an honest one.

 

Even if I was the bs insisting he end it and stop talking to her I would insist he send her at least a goodbye text. I think she would deserve that much but of course I would want to see it myself. To KNOW he ended things...but maybe that's just me'.

[KarmasTestDummy]

seren,

im not asking much. just the respect. im not any fling or one night stand. i was part of his life. i deserved a goodbye....

 

Yay! I loved this part! This is where you deserve to be angry. Get angry, it helps with the grieving process and also helps you be strong if and when he does call to give you a pathetic apology and maybe even try to rekindle the affair. You were with him 2 years! That is not a fling or a one night stand. There were hearts and a connection involved. He is the biggest coward and disappointment right now, and you have to respect yourself more where he did not. You have to know you deserved a goodbye because you were worthy of one. Don't do the "this is all I get because I wasn't anybody to him." bit. You deserved it because you are a beautiful loving caring person with a big heart that deserves more from ANY man. Period. This is about how you value your own self worth not your role in the relationship, and yes honey YOU deserved it. I hate him for you just as much as I hate my own exmm for stringing me' along in the unknown while he tried to figure out if she was going to LET him stay or not. Say it over and over and over.."I deserved it." and then start healing that he couldn't give you what YOU deserve.

[jennie-jennie]

Even if I was the bs insisting he end it and stop talking to her I would insist he send her at least a goodbye text. I think she would deserve that much but of course I would want to see it myself. To KNOW he ended things...but maybe that's just me'.

 

You mean one of those fake ones the MM sends just to satisfy the BS and then takes back as soon as he has a chance?

[bentnotbroken]

You mean one of those fake ones the MM sends just to satisfy the BS and then takes back as soon as he has a chance?

 

 

Sure why not, since all know he is lying. He coulnd't possible mean it. He only means what he is saying to the AP. I can see that being true.

[greengoddess]

You mean one of those fake ones the MM sends just to satisfy the BS and then takes back as soon as he has a chance?

 

 

:laugh: Ok I just do not get it. Why why why would anyone want to be with a man who is telling his wife he loves her and wants to make his marriage work and then is telling you ooohhh I'm just pacifying my wife. WHY would you want to be with someone like that? OWN UP TO YOUR FEELINGS. Stop being a coward. If you honestly want the ow then tell the wife no I will not go no contact.

 

Ow do not settle for a man who has a dday and then puts you aside while he pacifies his wife. the writing is on the wall with that. I just do not get it.

 

Arlin I think it is very disrespectful of him not to tell you it's over but you were disrespcting his marraige and his wife so he may see that now and think you do not deserve that respect that you know it is over since his wife isn't dumping him even though she should.

[arlin]

:laugh: Ok I just do not get it. Why why why would anyone want to be with a man who is telling his wife he loves Arlin I think it is very disrespectful of him not to tell you it's over but you were disrespcting his marraige and his wife so he may see that now and think you do not deserve that respect that you know it is over since his wife isn't dumping him even though she should.

 

this is very hard for me and i thank you people and that fact that i found this forum. ive always prepared myself to the fact that he will never be mine. and although i never got around to being ready as to when he has to leave or how, i knew someday he would. and as ive said, again..i thought i meant a lot that i deserve a goodbye..

 

i know i sound like a broken record now. i can not insist on what i want or waht i thnk is right or what i think i deserve.. things happened. and i know i have to get past all these for me to able to heal..it will take time, i know but i have to help myself.

 

to lovingagain

i wish i can make the call but i cant. will not. during our relationship, i never call him when we have a fight. or misunderstanding bec at the back of my mind, i would let him go if he leaves. i dont beg or anything, i just let it go.. i can if he will not come back to me. (it is a diff story though bec i am just there waiting for him to call me. and everything would be ok) but all the time we were together, he would always be the one reaching out to me.

 

i am at the point wherein it hurts too much. so much but that life has to go on? i can not tell anyone bec no matter how great the times i share with him, i cant tell our mutual friends bec i was protecting him.

 

greengoddess

it is not fair for him to say i dont deserve a goodbye bec i he realized i was disrespecting his marriage. in the first place, he pursued me. i turned him down a lot of times and insulted him. am sure he knew very well what he was getting himself into. we were both into it. and in fairness to us, we both tried to end it many many times due to guilt, conscience, his kids. or thought that we had done all we can with in the bounds of an affair and there is nothing more, so we mutually agreed to end it but he came back. and we work it out. i deserve this and all because the love i gave was honest and sincere. and i thnk he gave me the same, unless im wrong??? dont tell me after all the things he had done and the effort he made for me, he cant call me to tell me its over??

 

 

ive been thnking too. maybe the BS told MM what she and i talked about and he took it as im letting go? i dunno. it is just so unfair to leave me in the dark. if it is goodbye then so be it. tell me. there is no such thing as "it is understood" or mutual understanding. but i guess it is never coming.

 

thank you for all your post. kind and unkind. i dont care. i need to look at this from all the perspective available to me. at the end of the day, i still need to help myself. and i need all the support i can get for now.

[on a learning curve]

Even if I was the bs insisting he end it and stop talking to her I would insist he send her at least a goodbye text. I think she would deserve that much but of course I would want to see it myself. To KNOW he ended things...but maybe that's just me'.

 

As I have never been in the position of a BS, I can't say with any certainty what I would do. However, I think I would want to hear my H tell the OW goodbye...a quick phone call to actually hear the words come out of his mouth. But again, I don't know.

[BB07]

Arlin, you are going to get to a place where you are stronger and feel more able to decide what is best for you to do.

 

I know how it feels to want closure or answers but most of the time someone else can't give them to us. Even if he contacts you and says I'm working on my marriage, you'd still have hundreds of questions and it would not satisfy your mind. You have to find that place by yourself and it's hard no matter how it goes down.

 

Hugs.....

[Confused4Now]

Ever thought of this....suppose the BS had the MM hear the entire conversation. Just to prove a point to the BS husband she was calm and after asking the question if you wanted her husband? You neither said yes or no. If I'm the H it would show me you weren't willing to throw all you eggs in one basket. So in a way he saw you throw him under the bus...cause by not answering you did give her a answer to her question.

 

If I was the MM and the BS had me listen to the conversation to make a point...and my MW was not clear on what she wanted. I would be done with her myself. The fact is you have your family in another country and you don't have the worries of going to a house and deal with you husband. I would think it would be easier for me to if I didn't have to face my spouse everyday.

 

So for you wanting to have closure....is it possible your MM got his closure and saw the need to not give you yours?

[on a learning curve]

Arlin - I can hear the anguish in your words, and I am so sad for you. I agree that it isn't fair for him to feel that you don't "deserve" a goodbye. That is ridiculous in my mind.

 

I don't know what is going on in his head, but clearly he doesn't have the balls to call you and hear your voice. I sincerely hope that you get what you need in order to begin healing, but even if you don't Arlin, remember that you DO deserve better than this.

[bentnotbroken]

Arlin - I can hear the anguish in your words, and I am so sad for you. I agree that it isn't fair for him to feel that you don't "deserve" a goodbye. That is ridiculous in my mind.

 

I don't know what is going on in his head, but clearly he doesn't have the balls to call you and hear your voice. I sincerely hope that you get what you need in order to begin healing, but even if you don't Arlin, remember that you DO deserve better than this.

 

 

Clearly he hasn't any balls the entire time and I seriously doubt he found some between the phone call and now.

[eamherst14051]

Arlin, the solution is so simple really. Just do a conference call with you, your husband, the OM and the OMW. Between the four of you I'm sure you can come to some sort of amicable solution, don't you think?

[on a learning curve]

Clearly he hasn't any balls the entire time and I seriously doubt he found some between the phone call and now.

 

Well, this may be true.

[KarmasTestDummy]

As I have never been in the position of a BS, I can't say with any certainty what I would do. However, I think I would want to hear my H tell the OW goodbye...a quick phone call to actually hear the words come out of his mouth. But again, I don't know.

 

Yes, as much as I would doubt his authenticity in the goodbye, I'd doubt even more that he would tell me' he'd never talk to her again and actually believe it. It would be an affirmation in one way or another I suppose. She'd at bare minimum know he was doing whatever he could to appease me' and hopefully she'd want more than that kind of man, that it would be enough to walk.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Ever thought of this....suppose the BS had the MM hear the entire conversation. Just to prove a point to the BS husband she was calm and after asking the question if you wanted her husband? You neither said yes or no. If I'm the H it would show me you weren't willing to throw all you eggs in one basket. So in a way he saw you throw him under the bus...cause by not answering you did give her a answer to her question.

 

If I was the MM and the BS had me listen to the conversation to make a point...and my MW was not clear on what she wanted. I would be done with her myself. The fact is you have your family in another country and you don't have the worries of going to a house and deal with you husband. I would think it would be easier for me to if I didn't have to face my spouse everyday.

 

So for you wanting to have closure....is it possible your MM got his closure and saw the need to not give you yours?

 

How is that fair? He specifically told her to deny. She was protecting him. Any acknowledgment would have been throwing him to the wolves, forget the bus.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Arlin, the solution is so simple really. Just do a conference call with you, your husband, the OM and the OMW. Between the four of you I'm sure you can come to some sort of amicable solution, don't you think?

 

Joking aside...perhaps a call to the wife wouldn't be totally unreasonable. Tell her u are just asking for closure and out of respect for her you'd like to ask permission of her to hear it from him. She would probably sincerely respect that and even throw his butt on the phone as fast as she could.

[on a learning curve]

How is that fair? He specifically told her to deny. She was protecting him. Any acknowledgment would have been throwing him to the wolves, forget the bus.

 

Exactly, Karma.

[Confused4Now]

How is that fair? He specifically told her to deny. She was protecting him. Any acknowledgment would have been throwing him to the wolves, forget the bus.

Well that was her first mistake!!! I notice that on her second post. Protecting him OMG how funny does that sound.

[Silly_Girl]

My guy went quiet on me. I was furious. Devastated. Heartbroken. When he tried to apologise and explain I turned tail and told him where to go. Then I regretted it, and still do regret, though things are good for us now.

 

I think if someone is big enough and ugly enough to get themselves in to an affair they should damn well have the balls to clear up any mess it creates, including an explanation (presumably with the wife's knowledge if appropriate) to the AP.

[Ariadne]

My guy went quiet on me. I was furious. Devastated. Heartbroken. When he tried to apologise and explain I turned tail and told him where to go. Then I regretted it, and still do regret, though things are good for us now.

 

Agreed.

 

People start talking to themselves: This is so unfair! How can he do me wrong?! I don't deserve this! etc etc.

 

And it's only been one week.

 

I know it seems like a century but under the circumstances the guy is at, this is when you should be more mature and have patience.

 

He will talk to her sooner or later.

[BB07]

My guy went quiet on me. I was furious. Devastated. Heartbroken. When he tried to apologise and explain I turned tail and told him where to go. Then I regretted it, and still do regret, though things are good for us now.

 

I think if someone is big enough and ugly enough to get themselves in to an affair they should damn well have the balls to clear up any mess it creates, including an explanation (presumably with the wife's knowledge if appropriate) to the AP.

 

Love how you said that......and it's TRUE!

 

I get that an affair is not respectful or courteous to anyone, but if MM thought the OW was good enough to share his bed and the rest with, he damn well ought to be a big enough man to have enough courtesy and respect to tell her that it's over. That is the least he can do.