"How good of a friend is he?"

[tigressA]

That's what C asked me when I told him I might be visiting one of my few guy friends for this upcoming weekend. I said, "Well, we've known each other for almost a year. We talk pretty much every day; we met online and have met up in person once before, months ago. He just asked me if I was free this weekend and I said, 'Yeah'."

 

C said, "I just asked because you told me about another friend of yours before who had turned out to be more (the FWB I posted about awhile back on here). You had kept that part from me at first." I said, "I know, but I'm being completely open here." He looked so upset the whole time we talked about it, but he said, "You should go, have fun. Do what you want."

 

I wasn't buying it and asked him if he was really okay. He said, "Yeah." I asked, "Are you sure? You don't look okay." He again said he was fine. We ended the conversation but it was radically different. We always exchange those little kiss faces and hearts at the end and end up saying goodbye more than once, but he had just signed off.

 

I know he doesn't want me to go, that he's jealous, that he's upset. It was all over his face. The questions he asked were also clear indicators.

 

I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I don't want to completely cancel and possibly have C thinking that I'm like his possession, and maybe even validate any insecurities he has regarding my feelings for him. On the other hand, I can understand his feelings--he's half a world away right now, and it's hard to not wonder if some guy I happen to be hanging out with will end up replacing him. That kind of "Guys know how guys are" sentiment.

 

Which is the better route--cancel or go? Am I completely in the wrong for even thinking about going on this visit due to the fact that I'm in a relationship?

[Star Gazer]

I think going to see this particular male friend for the weekend is highly inappropriate given that you're in a committed relationship. Just my 2 cents.

 

Does this friend know you have a boyfriend?

[tigressA]

Does this friend know you have a boyfriend?

 

Yes, he does. He's one of my best friends, so we have talked about anything and everything. I told C that I told my friend about him.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, he does. He's one of my best friends, so we have talked about anything and everything. I told C that I told my friend about him.

 

You've seen him ONE time, and he's one of your best friends???

[tigressA]

You've seen him ONE time, and he's one of your best friends???

 

We've talked to each other nearly every day for about a year. I do consider him as such, yes. I don't think you have to see someone multiple times to feel close to them. Different strokes, all that.

 

I talked to my friend and he said, "It's cool, take some time to think about it. If you're still up for it, great, if not, that's good too. You and C can come down together when he gets back and we can all hang out." He's really laid-back.

[Star Gazer]

We've talked to each other nearly every day for about a year. I do consider him as such, yes. I don't think you have to see someone multiple times to feel close to them. Different strokes, all that.

 

I talked to my friend and he said, "It's cool, take some time to think about it. If you're still up for it, great, if not, that's good too. You and C can come down together when he gets back and we can all hang out." He's really laid-back.

 

Then there's your answer. Do that. Don't go alone.

[tigressA]

I can't help but feel reservations about both ways, due to the reasons I stated in the OP. I wonder if I'll be validating C's concerns and insecurities if I cancel. It's like, "How far does trust go?" You can say that you trust me, but when you don't want me to go somewhere or do something...do you really trust me to not betray you?"

 

Or does the action of going to that somewhere or doing that something a betrayal in itself?

Edited October 17, 2010 by tigressA

[VeveCakes]

I have to agree with SG. I have a very good male friend that I have known for about 4 years now....but even still at this point I only visit him if my man is with me. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

It's not even saying anything would happen or you aren't trustworthy, it's just a respect thing for your partner.

[tigressA]

I have to agree with SG. I have a very good male friend that I have known for about 4 years now....but even still at this point I only visit him if my man is with me. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

It's not even saying anything would happen or you aren't trustworthy, it's just a respect thing for your partner.

 

How would I feel if the roles were reversed? I don't really know. I think I would be somewhat jealous, but I would trust him to not do anything inappropriate. I do know that since he's half a world away right now there are all sorts of things he could be doing and not telling me anything about, but it doesn't freak me out since I trust he isn't doing anything to disrespect our relationship.

[VeveCakes]

That's really good, for both of you. However, think about this. You and your friend or imaginary him and his friend are hanging out, spending time together, getting to spend hours talking...opening up, having laughs....while the other is at home alone. It's not that anything is happening, it's just that you are connecting with someone other than your man.,,if you get what I mean.

 

I'm only chiming in because for the longest time I never understood why guys would care about my relationship with my friend. I NEVER thought of him otherwise, but one day I finally realised that its just a respect thing.

 

You know it makes him uncomfortable, so you just may have to sacrifice that time with your friend. It depends on you, and whats really important to you.

[eerie_reverie]

I feel like you often look for ways to create drama in your relationship. Why this friend that you've met in person just once, this weekend while your BF is out of town?? Why go out of your way to cause him stress??

 

You say you met this dude online... was it on a dating site? If so, I get that you probably won't fcvk him, but it's still sooo disrespectful.

[florence of suburbia]

When you say visit, do you mean you'd be staying overnight at his house? No, that would not be appropriate if you have a boyfriend.

[Star Gazer]

I can't help but feel reservations about both ways, due to the reasons I stated in the OP. I wonder if I'll be validating C's concerns and insecurities if I cancel. It's like, "How far does trust go?" You can say that you trust me, but when you don't want me to go somewhere or do something...do you really trust me to not betray you?"

 

Or does the action of going to that somewhere or doing that something a betrayal in itself?

 

The latter. It's also incredibly selfish, and regardless of the trust level, flat out disrespectful to your boyfriend.

 

I think you set standards for your BF that you're unwilling to meet yourself.

[tigressA]

I see what you mean. Obviously my relationship with C is really important to me and I want to respect it...But he isn't sitting alone though. He's surrounded by family and friends back in his home country.

 

I'm the one sitting alone most of the time. Because of my circumstances (I don't drive yet) I hardly ever get out. And I live out in the boonies on top of it. Even in our normal circumstances, when we're an hour away from each other, he's got several friends/coworkers really close by who he hangs out with every night of the week after work. Granted, they're not female, but I don't have that kind of social circle. I relish the time I can get away.

 

I think C realizes this and that's why he told me I "should go, and have fun", but he still can't let go of the jealousy.

 

I think I'm kind of jealous of him. Because of his circumstances he has a rather vibrant social life, while I'm mostly bound to being a stay-at-home. I realize this situation is of my own making, but even remedying it by, say, getting my license, will take a little while longer, not to mention saving up for my own car.

Edited October 17, 2010 by tigressA

[johan]

You strike me as high maintenance: C signs off once casually and you're giving him the silent treatment and you burst into tears. Then you turn around and start making time for other men when he isn't around. And to top it off you're considering standing your ground on this one because you think not hanging out with another guy makes you his possession. Did it occur to you that maybe you're hurting his feelings? He's clearly not interested in "possessing" you. He's already said "GO".

 

I'll bet if he simply spoke the name of another woman to you, you'd go into another freak-out session. Compare that to his relative cool.

 

I'd be irritated with you, too. But I wouldn't ask you "how good of a friend is he", because I'd know: that guy is not your friend.

[eerie_reverie]

I see what you mean. Obviously my relationship with C is really important to me and I want to respect it...But he isn't sitting alone though. He's surrounded by family and friends back in his home country.

 

I'm the one sitting alone most of the time. Because of my circumstances (I don't drive yet) I hardly ever get out. And I live out in the boonies on top of it. Even in our normal circumstances, when we're an hour away from each other, he's got several friends/coworkers really close by who he hangs out with every night of the week after work. Granted, they're not female, but I don't have that kind of social circle. I relish the time I can get away.

 

I think C realizes this and that's why he told me I "should go, and have fun", but he still can't let go of the jealousy.

 

I think I'm kind of jealous of him. Because of his circumstances he has a rather vibrant social life, while I'm mostly bound to being a stay-at-home. I realize this situation is of my own making, but even remedying it by, say, getting my license, will take a little while longer, not to mention saving up for my own car.

 

Do you have any friends you can hang out with that aren't guys you met on a dating site??

 

I totally get how you feel, feeling isolated sucks, especially when you think everyon else is having more fun; but this ins't th solution.

 

Are you learning how to drive? Do you have a savings plan in place to get your own car?

[tigressA]

I didn't meet him on a dating site, just so we're clear.

 

Yes, I do have other friends, and I regularly ask them if we can get together, but they're usually busy with their own stuff. This friend asked me if I wanted to meet up, and I didn't have any plans, so I just said "Sure". It wasn't because I wanted to "make time with other men"; I just wanted a fun weekend interacting with another person, perhaps multiple people, in real life. I do see that this isn't the solution though, so I did cancel. I'm going to try my hardest to have some plans for this weekend; I've been feeling really isolated lately. My hormone-induced emotional crazefest just the other day didn't help things.

 

I am learning how to drive, and I do have a savings plan in place. It'll be at least a few more months before I"m fully mobile, though. At least I'll have vacation time over Thanksgiving and Christmas to see my family, maybe make a trip to see some old friends.

[Surrealist]

I personally don't think its good for you to go. It's certainly not doing your relationship any favors. A bit concerning that you feel that you are your boyfriend's possession if you don't go and concede to his wishes. Certainly he may be up to stuff and is not telling you while half way across the world, but you do mention that you trust him? Or do you? Someone here mentioned 'respect', and that is where its at.

[tigressA]

I do trust him. But clearly I didn't get the "respect" memo, according to those who've posted.

 

I did cancel. I know he's upset. I didn't send him anything in the wake of our conversation. I didn't know if I should do that or just give him space.

[tigressA]

I said "Screw it" to the giving him space thing and wrote him an email, letting him know I canceled. I also owned up to my wrongdoing.

[denise_xo]

I'm going to go against the grain here. To me, a man questioning me spending time with male friends is huge, red flag. My husband has several female friends and he would be severely offended by any suggestion that "all he really wants to do is bang them". I completely trust him spending time with them, as he trusts me when I spend time with my male friends. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where that trust isn't mutually present, and I have very low patience with petty jealousy. The obvious, clear cut boundaries are that neither of us have any physical attraction to our friends, and we don't spend time with people who display attraction towards us.

[phineas]

I can guarantee your "male friend" wants to bang you. Going to see him is inappropriate indeed, not to mention misleading.

 

This.

 

Tigress, your hot.

Any guy who says he doesn't want to bang you is lieing, or gay.

 

Spending the weekend at a dudes house that you only met in person once is just dangerous.

 

forget the the whole you have a boyfriend thing.

You could wind up hog-tied hanging like a side of beef in his closet.

[sweetjasmine]

To me, a man questioning me spending time with male friends is huge, red flag.

 

Normally, I'd agree, to some extent, but in this case, she would have been spending the weekend at her guy friend's place. That's a little different than just spending time/hanging out.

[tigressA]

The obvious, clear cut boundaries are that neither of us have any physical attraction to our friends, and we don't spend time with people who display attraction towards us.

 

Yeah, see, this is what I was thinking. If I really had wanted something to happen with this guy, it would've happened awhile ago. C wouldn't even be in the picture. Or even if he were, I wouldn't be friends with that guy and this issue wouldn't have cropped up at all.

 

To those who say he "isn't my friend", there have been no instances to say to me that he doesn't respect my relationship. He's never said one word against C; he's been nothing but supportive. All he did was ask me if I wanted to hang out for the weekend. When I cancelled and explained why, he suggested meeting up with both me and C, sometime after he gets back. Would someone who "isn't my friend" suggest something like that? I trust him; I don't think for a second that he has underhanded motives.

 

I can understand C thinking that though, since he knows nothing of my friend aside from what I've told him. He didn't explicitly say he didn't want me to go. He explicitly told me I should go and have fun. It was just the look of his face, and what he asked me about him, that gave away that he was upset. I don't think he wanted me to know how he really felt.

[LisaLee]

Tigress, I think you made the right decision. You are in a potentially long term relationship and are very serious about this person. That being said, your SO's feelings... as long as they are within reason... trump anything else. I had a similar situation with my SO where I did not like a girl friend of his because she was extremely intrusive on our relationship and demanding of my SO's time. When I told him how I felt he did not hesitate to say he would drop her as a friend because my feelings and happiness were important above all else.

 

Of course you have to weigh the situation. If your boyfriend is demanding that you stay at home while he is in India and not hang out with your friends, then that is obviously excessive and he has problems. But I don't think your SO was out of line in feeling uncomfortable, in fact I think it was very generous of him to encourage you to go (obviously against his better judgment). Also I don't believe that the issue was he didn't trust you, more like he does not trust your friend, and for good reason.

 

I can also relate to the feeling of isolation and needing to get away. I got my driver's license when I was 23, and what motivated me to do it was that I was living in an incredibly isolated area and it was affecting my social life as well as my mental health. Good luck to you, I hope you get to find other things to do.