Next step in marriage for partner that blames me for everything?

[DearlyDevoted]

I have been married for a little over 2 years now. We dated for 7 years prior to marriage. We met in college and wanted to finalize our education, degrees etc., first. Within the first 7 or 8 months of marriage we got pregnant, and had a baby who is now almost a year old. We currently live in my hometown which is a big cityand he is from a southern rural area. He has been upset with me for the last year because he said it was always his goal to go back and live south where his family is. Before we were married, I was aware that eventually he'd want to move back home and I was ok with the idea but was not aware of how soon. I figured with all the debt and our focus being on our careers, we'd build our resumes, make more money and eventually move when we were older and more settled. Almost immediately after marriage he was ready to move. I resisted and then once I found out I was pregnant, I definitely did not want to move somewhere where I had less support with a new baby, etc. Outside of that, my mom is alone and working to still put my younger siblings through school so I am the oldest and only child that works within the family business. My husband is unhappy because he says he wants to move back home and while I am a little old school, and believe you are to allow your husband to lead, he doesn't seem to understand or care about obligations I need to finalize at home. My mother recently fell ill as did my father who lives in the next state from us. My mother's health is improving but I just do not think moving so immediately after is good.

 

His family is nice (particularly his extended relatives) but his sisters are not very nice to me, and his parents don't really reach out and make me feel like a true part of their family. They all began to come around more and reach out it seemed just to get to the baby. He and they are constantly suggesting them having the baby while I am away. It makes me feel uncomfortable. When I try to confide in him about how his sisters treat me, he responds as if I am crazy and should just ignore them or deal with it. I never respond to them because I don't like drama and feel its his place to handle them.

 

Outside of the living situation, he has made comments about my appearance/weight before, during, and after having the baby, saying things like "you look good, but not as good as you used to when we met", or you can admit you didn't have to gain so much weight when you were pregnant, right?" Its been more mild and worse things said. I cried a lot during my pregnancy because of the insensitive thing she used to say. I try to talk to him about issues and he walks away from me or tells me I have 5 minutes to talk and literally times me then turns the volume up on the TV as soon as the 5 minutes are up or sometimes he will tell me to talk with the tv volume up "so the neighbors can't hear us talking" (we live in an apartment building). Once when I was pregnant, and I was trying to talk to him, he seemed so annoyed and didn't want to talk that he said "oooh...if you weren't having that baby."

 

We have not been on a date in about 8 months. I know things change sometimes when you have a baby; but we do have lots of help and offers from people to babysit. I mention that to him and he "says" he wants to do stuff, but then when it comes to going out, lately he just choose to go to the bar and clubs with his friends. He comes home at 3, 4, and 5 in the morning, most times without calling or giving me a heads up that he is going to be out that late. I went out for the first time in 10 months since having the baby with my girlfriends and stayed out until about 230 am, but the entire time I checked on them and had a hard time enjoying myself because I was worried about the baby. I really got over the whole going out scene a while ago I guess. He says he goes out so much to cope with living here. He says he enjoys the baby but that I do not make things enjoyable.

 

Anyhow, I recently suggested to him that we try counseling and he knocked it down for so long. He finally said he'd do it then two days later said he thought about it and decided he didn't think "I" (as in me) would change with counseling and we should just figure how to split everything up (mostly the baby) and move on. He said that he wanted to get away from me as fast as possible, that I am not a person of my word (because we haven't moved back to his hometown yet) and that I am too overbearing with the baby. I told him as a first time mom, its an adjustment with a baby, but I admit I could relax a little and have over the last few months, but when I leave the baby with him or let him kinda make the decisions with her, he often calls for me to come get her or change her diaper etc. It just seems like a convenient and control thing to me. A day or two after he said he wanted to split, he said he didn't mean it (in the middle of trying to have sex). Then he finally agreed to doing counseling. This is not the first time he has brought up splitting up and taking it back. He did it a couple times when we dated and a couple times since we have been married and each time says that I am 95% of the problems in our relationship. When I ask what could I be doing better, he says you know what you do and don't do.

 

I admit I am not perfect, but I try very hard to appease him. I feel very put down by this situation, and sad. I believe if there was not a baby involved I would take some good long time to myself to figure out if things should be ended umtimately, but with the baby, I feel bound. If we split he has indicated that he would have the baby in summers in his hometown (12 hours away) and maybe I would have the baby during school year, or vice versa. That is a hard reality for me to fathom with my child. I understand with her being so young maybe it won't be as bad for her, but it seems pretty unstable to be in two different locations like that with two totally different ways of rearing. I definitely want the baby to have great relationships with both of us and our families, but I don't know what to do.

 

I know this is lengthy but its a lot going on. Thanks for your time. Any thoughts?

[DaisyLeigh]

Guess what? If you split, HE doesn't get to decide when he gets or sees the baby, JUST because he WANTS it that way. Where the hell some guys get this idea, I will never know. Your piss poor excuse for a man, husband, and father sounds like one controlling bastard.

 

YOU are not totally responsible for your bad relationship. You cannot win. He does not love you honey. If he did, his family would not be allowed to treat you badly. If he did, he wouldn't act like a total **** and blame you for everything.

 

My advice? See an attorney, pronto. Document his activities, and what he does or doesn't do for the baby, as well as much time he spends with her. Document his abuse of you (yes he is abusing you, mentally) Get counseling by yourself, to help YOU, if needed.

 

He is so hellbent on moving back to his Mommy? Tell him that he is free to go, but that you, and the baby, will NOT be joining him.

Edited October 17, 2010 by DaisyLeigh

[DearlyDevoted]

I gained a total of 44 lbs during pregnancy and have lost 37 so far. I already coulda lost about 15 before I even got pregnant to be "the size I was in college" Now why do you ask?

[flying]

I was trying to gain some insight as to whether or not he was being unreasonable about his comments. I'm in a rush right now, and will be gone for the weekend, but I will come back and post my thoughts to this soon, promise

 

I get what you're asking, but I have to say...those bits the OP described about giving her 5 minutes to talk and then turning up the volume on the TV to drown her out when her "time" was up; how he won't go to counseling because he doesn't think she'll change and they should just "move on"; ...and that comment while she was pregnant about "ooh...if you weren't having that baby." !!! :mad::mad:

 

All of that is more than enough to put his comments in context IMO...basically, it sounds like this guy has major control issues and is a major jerk. I don't think her weight is the issue.

 

OP, he's awful to you. Maybe you would be better off without his weight dragging you down??

Edited October 22, 2010 by flying

[BettyBoop]

I don't think her weight is the issue.

 

I second that opinion. She should loose the babyweight for herself - NOT for her jerk of a husband. There is nothing in her post that indicates that he is a nice guy or loving in any way - OP, how long has he been treating you like this and behaving the way he does?

 

Sometimes, when my boyfriend is angry, he will say things that he doesn't mean and so will I - but all those things about the TV just shows a total lack of respect for his woman and her emotional and mental wellbeing...

[Tinkerbell1]

I agree with previous posts. You deserve better and this guy doesnt give a crap about anyone but himself. The thing I dont get is, you dated for 7 years before marrying soooo, wasnt there any indication that he was like this? Did he treat you better then or was he always such a jerk? Also, from what you wrote, it sounds like yes, he always talked about moving but it appears that once you got married it suddenly became urgent? If that is the case, that also is his fault. He should have been very clear that he wanted to move within a year of marriage etc. etc. that way you could have negotiated terms BEFORE you both tied the knot.

I would appreciate clarification on this, it sounds suspect. Also, were you on birth control, did he want a pregnancy right away?

Get some counseling now so you can be clear about who you are and not succumb to his mental manipulation. He, like others like him, is a master at making things YOUR fault. So you need help and support to be very clear. Thank goodness you did not move and you are near YOUR support system. Talk to good friends and family as well so you can be clear and strong. People who love us do not put us down and let their family members be rude to us. Your husband should be treating you with honor and respect. And particulary since you are a new mother, he should be treating you like a queen and looking out for your needs and feelings. PS, your weight is fine and 44 lbs is not an unusual weight gain during pregnancy.

[DearlyDevoted]

Thanks Tinkerbell...To answer your questions, in the 7 years we dated, we had our ups and downs but it wasn't much indication with a problem to talk about things...the first time I noticed it was probably 4 months before our wedding date and I charged that to the moment, not to his character because in the 7 years I knew him, overall, he was good about talking things out.

 

You are right about him always wanting to move but also correct that he did not express the urgency or timeline in doing so prior to us getting married. I believed it to be more open ended and depend upon paying off student loan debt and establishing our careers. Otherwise, there would have been no point to take the higher paying more recognized job in a big city when he already had a job lined up back home where he was from. He is an attorney so he took the bar where we live now...if it was his plan to move right away, he would have had to take another bar or wait at least 5 years for reciprocity. (I say this to explain why it was logical to me that he did not want to move right away).

 

And no, I was not on birth control. We were careful but not totally precautious. He was the first to mention he was ready for a family. I wasn't pushing it nor was I preventing it either. I figured we'd go with the flow and if it happened it would happen. Our life together prior to the pregnancy still seemed pretty enjoyable overall. I felt we discussed the big picture but never ironed out the details. All he says in response is you knew I wanted to move. And I said yes, that's not the question. The question is when, how, what where etc...

 

I know 44 lbs is not so bad but I think because I was 10 lbs larger than when we met in college the additional weight gain with the pregnancy concerned him. He constantly said he was worried about my health, but then there would be appearance type comments that just made me feel bad about what I already feared.

 

He used to be a very affectionate loving individual, but it seems his affection and enthusiasm faded more as I pushed away from moving more. At various points he pressured a date to choose to move. I got so tired of arguing about it after a while I gave in. 8 months before the date approached (the baby wasn't here yet); I told him I was apprehensive about moving so soon after having a baby (away from my supports etc) and had hoped we could adjust to our situation. He felt resentful as if I was saying something was wrong with his mother and family helping. And though most of them are some nice people for the most part, they don't really have a relationship with ME, so I wouldn't be so comfortable--especially seeing how they try to hoard the baby and keep me away when they are around.

 

As a last point of contention, his mother is a judge that hears/decides custody hearings, in a town where much of his family have legal careers. I did not realize or even think of that until we started to have such big disagreements about moving and the baby came. So I am like what now? How can we ever agree to move and my fears with that situation be calmed, given that he shows the respect love and protection for me that I deserve?

 

And I'd like to comment on your statement, "people who love us do not put us down and let their family members be rude to us." Good point. When I mention this to him, he says I am overreacting to their comments or I should just ignore them. He has mentioned a thing or two to them in private before, but he feels like they are who they are and you can't change them just change how you react.