Am I Obsessed or looking for an answer?

[Fooser]

Perhaps I am still reaching on some sort of level here, but I'll give this a shot anyways on trying to figure this out.

 

My wife told me she wants a separation. At first, it seemed as if it may turn into a "Trial" sort of thing, but found out almost 2 months later, she had an affair with one of her seniors at her workplace. Since she told me of her request, the house has been sold, we both have lawyers and have met once already about the separation agreement, and the one issue we have now is the custody rights of our children. I should also mention that I am currently in counseling and AA for alcohol abuse. I was never a violent drinker or verbally abusive to my wife or kids. In fact when I told my wife that I was doing this, she questioned me as to why because she didn't think I was an alcoholic at all. Of course now, she uses that as part of the reason she is leaving.

 

Before I found out about her affair, she described to me how she saw the future of us living in separate houses in the same subdivision, near the same school where our kids go and love, and how they would primarily live with her, but the kids could come and see me anytime they want. Essentially, we would have "Joint Custody" to make decisions about the kids, but the living conditions would be weighed heavily in her favor. In the separation agreement, she put in a clause that basically say "further access as both parties agree" when it comes to the kids visiting. Then I found out about the affair, and of course with that, I now want 50/50 custody of the kids.

 

I now am being accused of holding her "Hostage" in the subdivision and the city. She says she will not agree to 50/50 at all as it would interrupt their "Routine" that they are used to in the mornings as she was the one who fed the kids, got them dressed and sent them to school. What she neglects to recognize is that I was the one who received them from school, got them doing their homework, cleaned up the kitchen and made dinner every night. This of course was also part of their "Routine". Before I found out about the affair, she said "You may not be the best husband, but you are an amazing father". Apparently when you find out your wife cheated on you with one of her bosses, you are no longer considered and "Amazing father" anymore.

 

I now also have my suspicion that her and her senior at work may in fact move in with each other. This of course flies in the face of "Routine" as the kids lives have not only been turned upside down compared to what they know and are used to, but this guy will be around my children more than I would even though we don't have a signed separation agreement. How many sleepless nights do you think I've had? There is also another side to this saga that I need to address.

 

How I found out about the affair was by a phone call from the guys wife to our home. We met up later that afternoon at a bar, and she told me everything she had been keeping track of. It turns out that her husband has been married 3 times including their marriage. The were together for a total of 5 years, married for 2 and out of nowhere she said one day he just changed. She confronted him, and he told her that he and my wife just "Kissed" and nothing more. My wife later admitted to me that they did indeed have an affair after she told me the same thing he told his wife. I was also informed that he just up and left after he packed his belongings. He had little contact with his wife, and was depositing some funds into her bank account, but also informed her that he would be stopping that after only a few months. The wife also informed me that this is how he also left his 2nd marriage, and he left that for her the same way he is now leaving her for my wife. Confused yet?

 

I guess it goes without saying that this guy has a past of just up and leaving marriages and relationships whenever he wants and feels that he doesn't have to deal with it at all. He has only worked in the same office building as my wife for less than a year before this all happened. I noticed a big change in my wife about 1 1/2 - 2 months before she told me she wanted a separation. Everything seemed fine, and our marriage continued pretty much the same with attitudes, sex, schedules, then one day she just dropped it on me.

 

What hurts me the most is that the "Best Friend" I thought I had 4 months ago has completely changed. This style of thinking when it comes to how she has no problem about bringing this guy around our kids, her attitude about the custody, her reasons for justifying our separation is just not her. This is not the woman I have spent the last 11 1/2 years of my life with. She has actually criticized other people for doing what she is doing right now. This is a 180 of who she was. So I guess my question is this.

 

1, Is this guy just a manipulative player who will just move in on her and dump her when he's ready?

 

2, Why can't my wife see this unfolding in front of her? Our kids are going to be so confused.

 

3, Does anyone think this will last more than 6 months before it blows up in her face?

 

 

I hurt so bad. I know I need to move on, but I worry about the welfare of our children. They are going to be hurt with this situation, and they had nothing to do with it. But I can say that in all that has gone on for the past 3 months, I still haven't had a drink. 24 hours at a time as they say.

 

 

Thought? Anyone have or know of a related situation? Please shed some light on this. I'm trying to figure out more of what my kids may be facing.

 

 

Fooser.

[YellowShark]

So sorry to hear about this crap Fooser. Sounds like your wife is basically brainwashed by an emotional con-man. Your wife is being manipulated by a player who will dump her in the end too. (If this guys track record is what you and his wife say it is.)

 

Your kids should not be introduced to this "other man." Not in a million years. The kids should be ISOLATED from him to reduce the confusion and hurt they will be feeling from the breakup of your family. They should not be meeting the guy responsible for the breakup of the family!

 

What a sad sick state of affairs your wife is building. 1) She is deep into an affair and betrayed you, 2) with someone from work, 3) and she's now involving your/her children. That's three really BAD strikes against her, and only proves her moral compass is totally broken. She is hurting you, risking her job, and involving her own children who do not need to meet "this other man" right now.

 

All I can say is be strong, don't take her sh*t even for a moment, and stand up for what is right regarding the children.

 

Best of luck.

[Fooser]

Thanks Yellow Shark,

 

Im trying to do my best. Everyone I know that has seen situations like this before all say the same thing. It sucks that all I really can do is sit back and watch a slow motion train wreck happen to her and my children. When I was young, my father put myself, my mother and brother into an Apt. because he told my mother he wasn't happy with their marriage. A year, and one child later, he came back to my mother and they gave it a try again. They are still happily married after 45 years now, but it took a s**t load of work, heartache and trust to do that. It personally took me 20-25 years to forgive my father for what he did, but we're all good now, and he and my mother are truely 2 of my best friends.

 

This is why it hurts me so much also. I lived with my parents trying to save their marriage, and saw it work in front of me. I can never say never to trying to fix that in my life. I know right now that for my Alcohol Addiction, I need to work on me. So far, so good. I started that because I figured if I might lose my wife, theres no way in hell I'm going to risk losing my kids. Problem is that I feel that I have been duped and this guy will be around my children more than I will be.

 

I can't see this ever working. Perhaps I'm wrong?, but I'll go with the odds and figure that it won't. Not after reality sets in. I can't believe my wife is acting like this. It's so not her.

 

It's like I wish someone would smack her upside the head and ask her what the hell she's doing. Her parents won't do that as she is an only child. Trust me when I say that they would back her in anything she would do or endeaver. Kinda sad in some ways.

 

 

Fooser

[YellowShark]

Here's the real kicker.

 

I should also mention that I am currently in counseling and AA for alcohol abuse. I was never a violent drinker or verbally abusive to my wife or kids. In fact when I told my wife that I was doing this, she questioned me as to why because she didn't think I was an alcoholic at all. Of course now, she uses that as part of the reason she is leaving.

 

Since you are in counselling and AA for your drinking you have taken the needed steps to fix yourself. How she can now use "the drinking" as a part of why she is leaving is hollow. Because you are actively taking steps to deal with it. But this is her way of defending what is indefensible, the affair.

 

My EX did the gaslighting/blamescaping too. But it wasn't my drinking it was hers. In my case she cheated twice and then would use my so-called "jealousy issues" after the fact as the reason why "it wasn't going to work out." She doesn't tell people now it was the two affairs she had, or her daily drinking with Meds that was the real reason. It was evil little old me and my "martyr complex" and "jealousy issues."

 

How I found out about the affair was by a phone call from the guys wife to our home. We met up later that afternoon at a bar, and she told me everything she had been keeping track of. It turns out that her husband has been married 3 times including their marriage. The were together for a total of 5 years, married for 2 and out of nowhere she said one day he just changed. She confronted him, and he told her that he and my wife just "Kissed" and nothing more. My wife later admitted to me that they did indeed have an affair after she told me the same thing he told his wife. I was also informed that he just up and left after he packed his belongings. He had little contact with his wife, and was depositing some funds into her bank account, but also informed her that he would be stopping that after only a few months. The wife also informed me that this is how he also left his 2nd marriage, and he left that for her the same way he is now leaving her for my wife.

 

And since he's been married 3 times and literally jumped ship twice before, the probability is very high that he will do it to your STBX. Seems to be a pattern of his. It is highly likely she'll try to reconnect with you when he eventually bails on her. (Once their honeymoon phase ends!) I've seen it happen before.

[tobydog]

So sorry to hear about what you are going thro. I know only 2 things 1 I'll never know why some people just change out the blue and 2, She won't be with this OM very long and then she may come to senses......

My Husband has done the same,no other woman but essentially walked from this life to a new one Take care, it is so hearbreaking.x