Shamed, lost, sorry and hurting needing advice

[one2ndchance]

Shamed, sorry and hurting needing advice,

Been married 1-1/2 years, I'm 49 my wife is 35. Last October we were experiencing much stress from financial, ex-wife, and my kids. My wife also has a 9-yr old. She moved to New England from Montreal Canada and left everything to be and my kids. It's had been stressful on her because I wasn't protecting this relationship and being an adult and a good husband. Instead I would run from my problems and escpae any way I could. On top of that, I was emotionally abusive to her, sometimes say means things, and not be supportive. We conceived a child last July. She wanted a child from me. Big sacrifice for me because of my age, yet I thought about it long and hard, and decided I love this woman more than life and will make the sacrifice for another child. In October after another arguement, my wife, now 3 months pregnant went on a business trip overseas and aborted our child (against my wishes), when she returned from Germany, she told me she was leaving me and the following week she moved back to Montreal about 340 miles away. Before she left I asked for a 2nd chance, she feels she gave me one in July when she stayed in Montreal for 2 weeks and said she might leave me. I never knew how bad it was for her and wished I paid more attention.

 

I am so ashamed and sorry for what I've done and I have told her that. Spent time these days working on myself and trying to learn from my mistakes. For the first 2 months of our separation I was pleading and manipulative. In December I took an apt. in Montreal with the intent of going up there to visit every two weeks. Hopefully to let her know I could be financially secure and treat her with respect and dignity and have a friendship. I have suggested counseling on numerous occasions but she sees this as all my issue and that counseling will not help the marriage. In her mind I treated her terribly, I am mean, I have issues, too up and down, too much drama from my ex and my kids, etc etc etc.

 

When I visit her we enjoy each other's company, drink wine, end up having sex and I sleep over her place (but in separate beds because of her 9 yr old), she tells me she likes having me around but has also said last week that she is never coming back to the marriage. I am trying the 180 stuff as a last resort, we keep in touch via email. Should I even call? Should I file? Should I give her all the cash she is demanding she put into the marriage? Should I give up? Should I do the 180 stuff? The only thing I have is that she likes having me around. I'm lost and love her dearly and only want to be the man she married. But I'm afraid I will not get the second chance, and feel confident that this could work. Never felt pain like this before. And my mother passed away 2 weeks ago. Loss after loss. Don't know what to do. Should I keep in touch or just move on? or both? help me anyone.

[Arabess]

Her bringing up finances certainly isn't an indication of reconciliation.

 

You can tell her how you feel about the situation and ask her to give you another chance. If she doesn't want that.....there isn't much you can do at this time to change the inevitable.

 

Maybe another poster on here will have some great idea for you. I sure hope so.

 

I know that getting to the other side of a broken heart is hard to do.

[one2ndchance]

Thanks Arabess, perhaps I should just let the 180 stuff go. I'm moving back to New England next week and giving up my apt in Montreal. She is not happy about this and thinks I should have accepted a position there. But My 9 and 17 yr old daughters need me back home. I guess I ned to let go.

[Arabess]

Well, you have to understand her points of discontent. Dealing with your ex and kids probably wasn't easy.

 

I would think that once you agreed to put her first, she would be happy with the arrangement. However, sometimes it seems like you are just beating a dead horse.

 

You have to cut your losses and move on. Never easy.

 

Maybe if you stepped back awhile and didn't make any contact, it would give her a chance to see that you aren't waiting in the wings anymore. Sometimes, that can help. Sometimes, it can bite you.

 

Love is always such a hard call.

 

Ultimately though, you have to do whatever it takes to feel sane again.

[one2ndchance]

She says I lost her trust and how could she trust me again. But I hear about couples all the time who rekindle trust and intimacy. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. In your experience does the 180 stuff work?

[KellyA]

She gave up ALOT to be with you and you treated her like that - no wonder she resorted to aborting your child and trying to leave the relationship. Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye and people hang on (have sex, spend time together) because it's so hard to let go.

 

Do her a favor and let her get on with her life. In the meantime you need to cut ties with your ex and get on with your life. Don't treat your next relationship like this.

 

One thing I hate in my relationships is my partner clinging on to his past and letting an exgirlfriend or exwife dangle on the sidelines simply to still have someone stroking their ego, etc. You gotta get rid of the baggage and make your current relationship strong and secure or it simply ain't gonna work.

 

Us girls do not want to feel we have to compete with ex's and nowadays very few women tolerate emotional abusive behavior. Our mothers put up with it but we won't.

 

Just my 2 cents! Good luck - I hope your wife and step daughter end up surviving all of this.

[one2ndchance]

Hi KellyA,

Thanks for responding. You are so right, letting go is damn hard. Andd I keep feeling there is something worth saving, but she does not agree. As far as my ex wife, she's been a pain in my butt for years now and I should have done a better job of keeping her out of my life. But with our kids it was always dicey. Anyway, your post is hard to take but I know you're speaking from the heart

[one2ndchance]

Hi again KellyA,

Forgot to explain that my ex wife is only in my life because of our two daughters. I have never had the need to dangle her or keep her on the side to stroke my ego and for any other "security blanket" reason. The fact is she has been a tick on my butt for leaving her 15 years ago. But when my wife got pregnant with the child we planned, my ex started shooting off her mouth to my kids. Just an impossible situation because I can't control what she says.

[Karlise]

Dear Chance

 

Well, your situation sounds incredibly painful. I don't know if I have much in the way of comfort to offer you. Perhaps just some insight.

 

This woman wanted nothing more than to have your child....and then went and had an abortion?

What kind of emotional pain must she have been in ????

She must have been devastated by something you did or said.

 

 

Unfortunately, as sick and scared and saddened as you are, Chance,......I wonder if you have learned how to feel empathy.

 

A woman who has been badly emotionally wounded will not learn to trust again unless she feels the person who hurt her truly understands what she felt and went through. That is key to forgiveness.

 

I strongly suggest you talk this over with a therapist. Unless you learn the meaning of empathy and truly HAVE empathy for the people in your life, you will continue to lose them.

 

 

This sounds like a very far-gone relationship and I don't know if you can actually rekindle things. Some people do, but usually only having put some distance between themselves.

 

Good luck

[one2ndchance]

Dear Karlise,

thank you for taking the time to post your feelings.

 

"This woman wanted nothing more than to have your child....and then went and had an abortion? What kind of emotional pain must she have been in ???? She must have been devastated by something you did or said."

 

Yes she was devastated by my abusive behavior and lack of emotional support. I thought we were ok. Typical man! Your comment really shook me up Karlise because I never realized until now how much pain she must have been in to abort the baby. I want to be as empathetic as I am capable. Guess I'm a work in progress. I am disgusted enough with myself to want to be a better person. .

 

"A woman who has been badly emotionally wounded will not learn to trust again unless she feels the person who hurt her truly understands what she felt and went through. That is key to forgiveness."

 

Thanks, more wisdom. Any thoughts on how i can do that without seeming manipulative to her?

 

This sounds like a very far-gone relationship and I don't know if you can actually rekindle things. Some people do, but usually only having put some distance between themselves.

 

Pray for me on this Karlise. Thanks

 

Good luck

[Karlise]

I don't know if I have anything else to add, Chance

 

Someone I cared about once hurt me very very deeply. He was devastated when I left him for someone else. For about a year he did nothing but apologize and apologize but I just couldn't forgive.

 

Today we are platonic friends, but we rarely talk...just email occasionally. In truth, I still haven't forgotten his insensitivity.

I know he's sorry and there are good things about him, but I don't think I could ever melt and let him in that same way again.

 

Some of us just have lines that once crossed......well, that's that.

 

You should probably give her some space. At least six months or so.

In the meantime, do get some therapy to figure out why you were so abusive in the first place (most abusers were themselves abused at one time....either emotionally or physically)

 

Then perhaps you might write her a letter. Not a rambling, overly-emotional letter but a simple, sincere letter that expresses how you imagined she felt during that time.

 

Compare that to a time in your life when you felt the same way.....desperate, injured, confused or incredibly alone.

 

It must be sincere.

 

If it's not, she'll never buy it.

 

Well, once again....I hope things work for the best, Chance. I've been on both sides of this kind of situation. In both cases, it's very very painful. A very sad life lesson.

[one2ndchance]

Thanks Karlise,

It's a brutal and sad lesson for me.

 

"Some of us just have lines that once crossed......well, that's that."

 

Funny, that's exactly what she said.

[SoleMate]

This woman wanted nothing more than to have your child....and then went and had an abortion.

What kind of emotional pain must she have been in? ....Unfortunately, as sick and scared and saddened as you are, I wonder if you have learned how to feel empathy.

My thoughts exactly. I cannot argue with your wife's decision. Her primary duty is to herself and her child. You treated her badly over an extended period, and all you have given her is your "feeling" that things can be better. Nothing in your letter shows any real understanding of your wife's pain.

 

I have suggested counseling on numerous occasions but she sees this as all my issue...

Well, when a married person has a problem, by definition, whether you want it or not, TWO people have that problem. I am sorry your wife didn't see it that way.

 

You can still teep trying to get her into joint counselling, but if she doesn't agree to go, I don't see a lot of hope. The abortion was a painful watershed and a profound way of saying that her connection with you had to end. As to why she lets you come over...ask her what it means. Don't just assume that the talk, wine and sex equal a reconciliation. It's more likely she is just using you for temporary comfort as she goes through a painful transition. And if you are on your best behavior during these sessions, you become more of the man she fell in love with, not the one who jerked her around and made her feel like hell.

 

Should I give her all the cash she is demanding she put into the marriage?

If you owe her money, pay it. Simple answer for a simple question.

[one2ndchance]

Dear SoleMate

 

 

If you owe her money, pay it. Simple answer for a simple question.

 

It's not that simple. I will pay her the money I owe her but what she thinks and what I think she is due varies by only 52 thousand dollars. Sorry, not simple.