X has moved his GF in, proposed in less than a year!

[willowthewisp]

Hi all,

 

Well I am in a state and can't stop crying. My x fiance of nearly 20 years has moved his GF in, proposed and plans on getting married to her next Spring, all in less than a year.

 

I found out by way of a very nasty and vindictive e-mail from a firends' fiance with whom I had had a falling out. He told me to deliberately cause me pain.

 

I keep asking myself what have I done to deserve this? First my X jilts me, puts me on the street, has not contact me since, not even a text at Christmas or on my birthday, nothing and now this.

 

My IC has been telling me he believes my X had commitment issues and is in mid life crisis. Well he's marrying someone else so that can't be the case. What is so wrong with me, what does she have that I don't? What did I do for him to leave me like this? I don't understand. I must be really worthless.

[LisaLee]

I'm sorry, bad way to be getting such news. But seriously, if you were his fiance for 20 years do you really think he will be getting married next year? =/

 

My xh got engaged and moved his fiance in to our former marital home in less than a year as well. In all honesty, I could have cared less. In fact I was happy for him. I am moving on with my life and glad to see that he is as well. I am not in love with my xh. That's why I didn't care. It sounds like you are very much still in love with this guy. Don't base your self worth on whether or not he feels the same for you.

[FanFan]

Hi all,

 

Well I am in a state and can't stop crying. My x fiance of nearly 20 years has moved his GF in, proposed and plans on getting married to her next Spring, all in less than a year.

 

Are you saying that you had been dating this guy for 20 years?

[trippi1432]

Hi all,

 

Well I am in a state and can't stop crying. My x fiance of nearly 20 years has moved his GF in, proposed and plans on getting married to her next Spring, all in less than a year.

 

I found out by way of a very nasty and vindictive e-mail from a firends' fiance with whom I had had a falling out. He told me to deliberately cause me pain.

 

I keep asking myself what have I done to deserve this? First my X jilts me, puts me on the street, has not contact me since, not even a text at Christmas or on my birthday, nothing and now this.

 

My IC has been telling me he believes my X had commitment issues and is in mid life crisis. Well he's marrying someone else so that can't be the case. What is so wrong with me, what does she have that I don't? What did I do for him to leave me like this? I don't understand. I must be really worthless.

 

Willow - First off, my heart is out to you...I found myself facing a similar situation just weeks after my exH ended our 15 year relationship. The callousness of it, the total lack of disrespect....it's appalling. Currently, my exH is waiting for his GF's divorce to go through since she had to throw her husband out for my exH to move in....yes, my "dopple-ganger" or "replacement" is a home-wrecker. Men who are in mid-life crisis become strangers to the ones that truly know them....the familiar no longer having that comfort level because they are uncomfortable with themselves.

 

Willow - YOU did nothing to cause this to yourself...this is the problem with a mid-life crisis. The ones left behind revel in the guilt that truly is not theirs. Someone in mid-life crisis is not thinking about anyone other than themselves...it's a selfish mindset. So, just by him "setting himself up" to marry someone else does not mean that he is not in mid-life crisis...if nothing else, it supports it even more. Secondly, his rush to marry this woman is most likely an indication of him realizing where he screwed up before with his commitment phobia to you. Honestly, it's no different than a man trying to hide his flaws that he had before when he could have simply worked on them with you. Believe me, it's easy to note a man who is trying to cover his flaws by being better than what he was before to those who truly know him...they try hard to convince themselves of that everyday instead of just being themselves.

 

Does that make it any easier on you...no, I know it doesn't. Perspective, see it for the fake reality that he builds for himself. And as for the friend's fiance'....ditch them both. You don't need "friends" like that.

[pureinheart]

Hi all,

 

Well I am in a state and can't stop crying. My x fiance of nearly 20 years has moved his GF in, proposed and plans on getting married to her next Spring, all in less than a year.

 

I found out by way of a very nasty and vindictive e-mail from a firends' fiance with whom I had had a falling out. He told me to deliberately cause me pain.

 

I keep asking myself what have I done to deserve this? First my X jilts me, puts me on the street, has not contact me since, not even a text at Christmas or on my birthday, nothing and now this.

 

My IC has been telling me he believes my X had commitment issues and is in mid life crisis. Well he's marrying someone else so that can't be the case. What is so wrong with me, what does she have that I don't? What did I do for him to leave me like this? I don't understand. I must be really worthless.

 

Wow...first of all ...what to say except I am so sorry:(

 

Anyway, you may have set yourself up for this one...20 years is a long time to be engaged...too long.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, and IMO I don't think his committent issues are gone, I mean is he married yet???? No. Has he ever been married? I bet not.

[willowthewisp]

Are you saying that you had been dating this guy for 20 years?

 

No, we met in highschool, I moved in with him after 8 years and he asked me to marry him after 10 years together, so living together two when he asked me to marry him.

 

I know it was a long time to be with him waiting for him to set a date but I trusted him and there always seemed a plausable excuse everytime I bought it up. When you are with someone from such a young age and for such a long time it doesn't enter your head that he would or could do something like this. It's kind of like you think subconciusly that he is committed to you beacuse he is choosing to be with you for all these years so the excuses for not setting a date to marry are reasons. Does that make sense? Yet at the same time the longer it goes on, the more you get a nagging doubt about his commitment to you.

 

He left me right after we booked our wedding, no warning, no explanation just he wanted to split up because he hadn't been happy in a long time and his feelings for me hadn't been what they should have been in a really long time. He said we had never been compatible, I was controlling and it was a bad relationship. He packed a bag and left within an hour.

 

Now he is proposed to her, will he marry her? Well, I don't see any reason for him to have proposed to her unless he was going to. With me, we had been together a long time when he proposed and our families and friends were asking question about whether we were ever going to marry. That reason does not exisit here, so I guess yeah, he's going to marry her. I guess I wasn't what he wanted and she is, but I just cannot fathom why he would be with me and stay with me for so long if I wasn't what he wanted, unless like Trippi says below this is mid life?

 

Willow - First off, my heart is out to you...I found myself facing a similar situation just weeks after my exH ended our 15 year relationship. The callousness of it, the total lack of disrespect....it's appalling. Currently, my exH is waiting for his GF's divorce to go through since she had to throw her husband out for my exH to move in....yes, my "dopple-ganger" or "replacement" is a home-wrecker. Men who are in mid-life crisis become strangers to the ones that truly know them....the familiar no longer having that comfort level because they are uncomfortable with themselves.

 

Willow - YOU did nothing to cause this to yourself...this is the problem with a mid-life crisis. The ones left behind revel in the guilt that truly is not theirs. Someone in mid-life crisis is not thinking about anyone other than themselves...it's a selfish mindset. So, just by him "setting himself up" to marry someone else does not mean that he is not in mid-life crisis...if nothing else, it supports it even more. Secondly, his rush to marry this woman is most likely an indication of him realizing where he screwed up before with his commitment phobia to you. Honestly, it's no different than a man trying to hide his flaws that he had before when he could have simply worked on them with you. Believe me, it's easy to note a man who is trying to cover his flaws by being better than what he was before to those who truly know him...they try hard to convince themselves of that everyday instead of just being themselves.

 

Does that make it any easier on you...no, I know it doesn't. Perspective, see it for the fake reality that he builds for himself. And as for the friend's fiance'....ditch them both. You don't need "friends" like that.

 

Trippi, thank you so much for your heart felt response, you have no idea how much it has helped me at this time to know someone cares enough to take the time to respond and write out in such detail what they think is going on. I am beside myself with hurt and grief right now.

 

A lot of what you are saying makes sense and I will be talking this all through with my counsellor on Friday so maybe he can shed some light on it all as well. The trouble is that I have a self blame problem that stems from childhood emotional abuse, so although the logical side of me can hear what you are saying there is a part of me that tells myself "no, your making excuses for him, your rationalising his behaviour so you don't have to face up to the fact that YOU were the problem". I feel like I am in hell. As for the "friend and her fiance who sent the e-mail, they are no friends of mine. I can't beleive that someone could be so cruel and vindictive because I had fallen out with their fiancee. It's like if you called someone a name in anger and then they go home think about what to do to hurt you for a couple of days then get a knife and come back and stab you. I fell out with her in anger, what he did was not an angry e-mail, it was cold and calculated to hurt me.

[Fooser]

Willow,

 

Very sorry to hear about your ordeal. Trust me when I say to you that the more I read postings in these forums, the more I realize that people out there are nuts to think that they are going to solve their problems by jumoing ship and hope to move on quickly.

 

My wife of 9 years told me almost 3 months ago that she wanted to separate. Apparently stating that she has not been happy for years. Who knows right? Turns out that a month ago, I got a phone call from the wife of the guy she is having an affar with. This guy shows up on the scene of my wifes work a year ago. He is her senior. I found out through his wife that he has just up and left her and her daughter out of nowhere. He is ending his 3rd marriage in 20 years. My wife has decided to end her 2nd marriage in 15 years. Both of them at the age of where the typical "Mid Life Crisis" sets in.

 

Now I'm not saying I didn't have anything to do with it. I am currently getting help for Alcohol Addiction that has been going on for years. Apparently I wasn't there for her emotionally. But, I never was an angry drinker, never lied to her or our 2 kids, and never laid one finger on any of them or threatened them in any way. But she uses this as a large excuse to why she is leaving.

 

Bottom line is this, the guy she is with has serious commitment issues, and is nothing more than a smooth talker. My wife may have had some reasons to want to leave, but instead of dealing with them more productively, she just decided to run away. This situation that they are creating for themselves is a train wreck.

 

And that is exactly what your former "Fiance" is doing right now. I can't see him getting married. But if he does, it would just be to cover up his own feelings and issues that he has. People like this can't find true happiness because they are not willing to deal with the main issue which is themselves. And to try and hide the issues, they lead a destructive path of lies, heartache and broken promises along the way.

 

If you can, get yourself some counselling. I have, to help with my problems, including dealing with losing what I thought was my best friend. Memories are going to go through your mind and you won't be able to stop them. But talking with a professional if you can will help your healing process move along faster.

 

You will get better. You will hurt huge. You will survive. And you will be bigger and better than before Willow. Trust in that.

 

Fooser

[tojaz]

what does she have that I don't?

 

She has a worthless good for nothing commitment phobic man! Thats about it. Dont get yourself caught in the trap Willow! YOU DID NOT MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!!...................HE DID! More likely then not, he is in panic. Cant live without a relationship and latched on to the first thing that came along. Hes been hiding from the situation, hasn't been learning about what happened. I strongly doubt that he has changed any.

 

Think about it, all the things hes accused you of, all the things you did for him that he has ignored. How he left. Sounds to me like he wouldn't have been happy unless everyone around him is bending to his will so he could come and go in their lives as he pleased. Maybe shes weak like that, willing to accept the mistreatment. Is that what you would want for yourself????

 

Of course not. I know you miss him, just like I still miss my exwife, but I also know that I am better off. I cant love the woman shes become, I couldn't even be friends with her if i wanted to. It took meeting some amazing people that had everything she used to be and a lot more that I didn't even know was out there to see that. You'll get there Willow!

 

TOJAZ

Edited October 18, 2010 by tojaz
Stay strong, you'll get through this!

[Steadfast]

 

...so I guess yeah, he's going to marry her. I guess I wasn't what he wanted and she is, but I just cannot fathom why he would be with me and stay with me for so long if I wasn't what he wanted, unless like Trippi says below this is mid life?

 

 

Not to be cruel, but yes; that is exactly how he feels. Right now. Whose to say what his mindset will be in 6-months? A year? After their first big fight or if she cheats and leaves for someone 'better'? I do believe in karma.

 

My advice is to accept his decision. Embrace it. Then allow your head to slowly convince your heart that you're better off. Think about it; why would you still want someone who has shown a willingness to be so cruel and calculated? Someday, you very well may consider his leaving as one of the best things that ever happened to you. When you meet a man that not only wants to marry you, but can't stand the thought of being away from you for long. Real love. Real romance. Caring. A real relationship.

 

I see evidence in your comments of self abuse. Heaping pain (blame?) for some kind of perceived failure on your end. This is masochistic behavior and while it is very common, it isn't very healthy. You're allowing someone who isn't even in your life anymore control over your emotions. I know love sometimes doesn't make sense, but if you step back and examine the situation, you'll see it's pure folly. We often want what we can't have but think about it: what would your really gain if he somehow returned?

 

The best cure for this is to embrace the reality. When we do this, if usually allows some pretty remarkable self-growth and understanding. In time, you'll be stronger, wiser, and ready to love again. Ditch the drama, the questions about what he's thinking (he probably couldn't tell you himself...that is, if he was talking to you) and let him go. He is her problem now, and believe me, he IS a problem. Would you want to be with a man who did what he did to you? After 20 years? Think it over-

[stillafool]

Yes, listen to Steadfast. This is a horrible thing you are going through right now and I know it doesn't seem like there is any light in the tunnel. Steadfast is right about embracing this situation because he is out of your way for someone who really cares to come along. I know you are in shock right now but in time if you can somehow forgive him and wish them well it will shorten your healing time. I've been in a similar situation in the past and that's what helped me through it. Don't let this break you as you have so much to offer the right man.

[just_some_guy]

W.o.W.,

 

How long has it been since you separated? You mention less than a year, Christmas and so on, so I'm guessing it was possibly last fall or nearly a year at this point.

 

Your emotional well-being seems to be extremely tied to his actions. I can understand that after a long term relationship a break up is hard to get through. But I have to say, it sounds like there are issues on your side, that you need to get to the bottom of, so that you can move on.

 

You can blame his actions on a mid-life crisis or whatever, but really does it matter what his problem was/is?

 

As a leaver, I can tell you that I see it differently than the wife I left. She, nearly a year later, says it is a huge surprise, never knew it. But really, I know I said things and had a growing unhappiness through the years. I am a care-taker. It is not a healthy thing, but as her addictive (food) issues got worse and worse, I tended to take on that caretaker role more and more. It got to be extremely overwhelming for me, taking care of someone, so much, all the time. Now that I'm gone, she is falling apart and I frequently get the calls to come take care of her.

 

In the mean time, I've been working on my issues. Going back to childhood, the abuse, the being made to be my mother's emotional caretaker and all the other things that set me up to be married to addicts, twice.

 

The reason I am bringing this up is that you really have to accept that he's moved on, right or wrong and that it is irrelevant to you going forward in life.

 

It is time to work on YOU, to enable yourself to break this emotional dependence and move on, for your own sake.

[willowthewisp]

W.o.W.,

 

How long has it been since you separated? You mention less than a year, Christmas and so on, so I'm guessing it was possibly last fall or nearly a year at this point.

 

Your emotional well-being seems to be extremely tied to his actions. I can understand that after a long term relationship a break up is hard to get through. But I have to say, it sounds like there are issues on your side, that you need to get to the bottom of, so that you can move on.

 

You can blame his actions on a mid-life crisis or whatever, but really does it matter what his problem was/is?

 

As a leaver, I can tell you that I see it differently than the wife I left. She, nearly a year later, says it is a huge surprise, never knew it. But really, I know I said things and had a growing unhappiness through the years. I am a care-taker. It is not a healthy thing, but as her addictive (food) issues got worse and worse, I tended to take on that caretaker role more and more. It got to be extremely overwhelming for me, taking care of someone, so much, all the time. Now that I'm gone, she is falling apart and I frequently get the calls to come take care of her.

 

In the mean time, I've been working on my issues. Going back to childhood, the abuse, the being made to be my mother's emotional caretaker and all the other things that set me up to be married to addicts, twice.

 

The reason I am bringing this up is that you really have to accept that he's moved on, right or wrong and that it is irrelevant to you going forward in life.

 

It is time to work on YOU, to enable yourself to break this emotional dependence and move on, for your own sake.

 

I am in IC and yes I have self esteem issues and self blame issues steming from childhood emotional abuse, abuse which still continues today. The reason it is so important to me is because I can't bear the fact that I deserved this, that I wasn't good enough for him. Yes that is my issue but in order to unravel my thinking I have understand his thinking.

 

I appreciate that you told your wife you were unhappy, but my X by his own admission "I deliberately kept my feelings hidden from you", no two situations are the same. This was a complete shock to me, he was arranging our wedding! How on earth could I have known he was thinking of leaving when he was drawing up guest lists, looking at wedding venues with me, making suggestions for menus, wanting to make sure our guests would have a cheaper hotel alternative near by etc etc.

 

So yes, this was a shock. I feel ashamed that I am having to defend myself on here, to my friends and family. It's like I feel that people look at this situation and think "wow there must be something really awful about her". Yes, I have self esteem issues but how do I change this? How do I stop blaming myself? Taking his self justifications for his own issues, thrown on me, as gospel?

 

My IC beleives he is CP and in MLC, I trust his experience, he is in his 60's and has been a therapist for a very long time, he's seen it all. BUT how do I STOP blaming myself for his issues? Logically I know he has issues from which he is running, no one stays with someone engaged for 8 years without marrying unless there is something very very wrong (for want of a better word) with them, it's a complete waste of his life as well as mine, so logically I know this isn't about me, but the part of me that has been abused and is still abused is telling me I am the problem, I caused this and I deserved it.

Edited October 18, 2010 by willowthewisp

[stillafool]

You certainly are and were good enough (too good) for him! I'm sure he would tell you the same thing. The problem is he may not have been in love the way you are for all those years but comfortable with the relationship and thought he could make a marriage with you work. Please don't feel you have to defend yourself here as people are just giving their ideas as to what happened. It just gives you another perspective. I know it is hard but you have to stop beating yourself up because you haven't done anything wrong.

 

Do you mind my asking how old you are, he is, and the woman he is marrying?

[just_some_guy]

I am in IC and yes I have self esteem issues and self blame issues steming from childhood emotional abuse, abuse which still continues today. The reason it is so important to me is because I can't bear the fact that I deserved this, that I wasn't good enough for him. Yes that is my issue but in order to unravel my thinking I have understand his thinking.

 

This is a waste of your time and energy, entirely. No human being can ever completely understand or unravel someone else's thinking. It just isn't possible. Continuing to do so is a defensive reaction to your own internal pain, a way of distracting yourself from the internally-focused work you need to do for you.

 

My stbx is continuing to do the same thing. She is mirroring all the books I've been reading and the work I have been doing for myself, to try and understand me. It is a waste of her energy, because it cannot be done, and it is a deflection to keep the focus off of herself.

 

 

I appreciate that you told your wife you were unhappy, but my X by his own admission "I deliberately kept my feelings hidden from you", no two situations are the same. This was a complete shock to me, he was arranging our wedding! How on earth could I have known he was thinking of leaving when he was drawing up guest lists, looking at wedding venues with me, making suggestions for menus, wanting to make sure our guests would have a cheaper hotel alternative near by etc etc.

 

In a way, I can understand. I grew up with the clear imperative that "being a man" means holding all of my emotions inside, hiding them and completing that which is expected of me. Part of that is care-taking and the other is allowing myself to be shut down.

 

When I have talked about this with my stbx, she remembers nothing of my attempts to express my feelings. She browbeats me into similar admissions of not showing my emotions, of not telling her. She cannot handle any other perception right now, she has to keep the illusion going that it was all a surprise as a coping mechanism (at least that's my feeling about it). In reality, I would express some concern or unhappiness in the marriage and it would be met with forceful emotional outburst, which due to my inability to deal with it, usually resulted in my retreat.

 

 

So yes, this was a shock. I feel ashamed that I am having to defend myself on here, to my friends and family. It's like I feel that people look at this situation and think "wow there must be something really awful about her". Yes, I have self esteem issues but how do I change this? How do I stop blaming myself? Taking his self justifications for his own issues, thrown on me, as gospel?

 

You don't have to defend yourself. Let go of that. Self defense is not necessary on your part. Stop searching for his reasons, because honestly, they don't matter anymore, do they? What matters are YOUR reasons, your feelings, your readiness to embrace your feelings and make the changes in your life to move on, to individuate, to live your true self.

 

My IC beleives he is CP and in MLC, I trust his experience, he is in his 60's and has been a therapist for a very long time, he's seen it all. BUT how do I STOP blaming myself for his issues? Logically I know he has issues from which he is running, no one stays with someone engaged for 8 years without marrying unless there is something very very wrong (for want of a better word) with them, it's a complete waste of his life as well as mine, so logically I know this isn't about me, but the part of me that has been abused and is still abused is telling me I am the problem, I caused this and I deserved it.

 

Off the top of my head, I don't know what CP means. MLC I think means mid-life crisis. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.

 

You are not "the" problem. You have a problem, but it doesn't originate within him or because of him. Your relationship with him, the good and the bad of it, are the symptoms of your problem.

 

Somewhere inside of you are the answers to understanding yourself, of resolving the problems you feel, of letting go, of embracing the rest of your life and living it to the fullest.

 

Maybe, just for musing sake, just attribute all of his actions and behavior to a brain tumor. It isn't a "because" thing, it is simply an "is" thing with him. There's no fixing it, there's no blame, it just is and he has chosen what he has because of this inoperable, incurable, chronic brain tumor that no one on earth can do anything about.

 

How does that change the situation for you? Knowing that you are simultaneously, not in control of him and not to blame for him? That there is nothing to be done for him? That the only thing left is for you to pick up your own bits and pieces and put yourself back together as best you can.

[willowthewisp]

You certainly are and were good enough (too good) for him! I'm sure he would tell you the same thing. The problem is he may not have been in love the way you are for all those years but comfortable with the relationship and thought he could make a marriage with you work. Please don't feel you have to defend yourself here as people are just giving their ideas as to what happened. It just gives you another perspective. I know it is hard but you have to stop beating yourself up because you haven't done anything wrong.

 

Do you mind my asking how old you are, he is, and the woman he is marrying?

 

Well, that thought hurts, so he never loved me, he wasted my life, the best years of it because he was comfortable? What a dispicable human being to do that to another and make them beleive they were loved. I don't think this was the case though by some things he said when he left.

 

Without going into specifics I'll just say we are both middle aged and the GF is younger, don't know by how much exacltly but guessing form the info I have about 9 years. It's such a cliche, he met her at work. LOL Pathetic.

 

This is a waste of your time and energy, entirely. No human being can ever completely understand or unravel someone else's thinking. It just isn't possible. Continuing to do so is a defensive reaction to your own internal pain, a way of distracting yourself from the internally-focused work you need to do for you.

 

My stbx is continuing to do the same thing. She is mirroring all the books I've been reading and the work I have been doing for myself, to try and understand me. It is a waste of her energy, because it cannot be done, and it is a deflection to keep the focus off of herself.

 

 

 

 

In a way, I can understand. I grew up with the clear imperative that "being a man" means holding all of my emotions inside, hiding them and completing that which is expected of me. Part of that is care-taking and the other is allowing myself to be shut down.

 

When I have talked about this with my stbx, she remembers nothing of my attempts to express my feelings. She browbeats me into similar admissions of not showing my emotions, of not telling her. She cannot handle any other perception right now, she has to keep the illusion going that it was all a surprise as a coping mechanism (at least that's my feeling about it). In reality, I would express some concern or unhappiness in the marriage and it would be met with forceful emotional outburst, which due to my inability to deal with it, usually resulted in my retreat.

 

Like I said, no twon situations are the same, this isn't what my X did because he had no difficulty telling me if he was unhappy, he had on occasion in the past and on leaving thanked me for resolcing those issues he had with me. Like i said, it makes no sense and I did not miss anything. As for emotional outbursts if anything I had to put up with that and swallow my feelings not the other way round. My X on occasion had rits of rage at me where he would throw things in temper, some of which hit me. (not at me). If anyone had a reason to clam up, it was me, not him, if you knew me personally you would I am sure, like my friends have said, think I am a very caring, loyal person who puts the needs and feelings of others before myself.

 

 

 

 

You don't have to defend yourself. Let go of that. Self defense is not necessary on your part. Stop searching for his reasons, because honestly, they don't matter anymore, do they? What matters are YOUR reasons, your feelings, your readiness to embrace your feelings and make the changes in your life to move on, to individuate, to live your true self.

 

 

 

Off the top of my head, I don't know what CP means. MLC I think means mid-life crisis. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.

 

You are not "the" problem. You have a problem, but it doesn't originate within him or because of him. Your relationship with him, the good and the bad of it, are the symptoms of your problem.

 

Somewhere inside of you are the answers to understanding yourself, of resolving the problems you feel, of letting go, of embracing the rest of your life and living it to the fullest.

 

Maybe, just for musing sake, just attribute all of his actions and behavior to a brain tumor. It isn't a "because" thing, it is simply an "is" thing with him. There's no fixing it, there's no blame, it just is and he has chosen what he has because of this inoperable, incurable, chronic brain tumor that no one on earth can do anything about.

 

How does that change the situation for you? Knowing that you are simultaneously, not in control of him and not to blame for him? That there is nothing to be done for him? That the only thing left is for you to pick up your own bits and pieces and put yourself back together as best you can.

 

It doesn't change anything because it isn't true.

[willowthewisp]

 

And that is exactly what your former "Fiance" is doing right now. I can't see him getting married. But if he does, it would just be to cover up his own feelings and issues that he has. People like this can't find true happiness because they are not willing to deal with the main issue which is themselves. And to try and hide the issues, they lead a destructive path of lies, heartache and broken promises along the way.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear of your pain too Fooser. I think you're right and its very much what I am learning in therapy. This is way too quick to be LOVE, they don't even know each other yet, it's only been 9 months since they met. The fact he's in such a rush screams "I have something to prove and fast because I am running out of time (MLC)" Like Tojaz says below, he hasn't dealt with anything, he's still running from his own issues, but this time he's going to run too far to come back from. He will marry her, I know this because he doesn't have the balls to jilt someone a second time, he wouldn't be able to face his family's reaction. What kind of women would marry someone after only knowing them for 9 months and knowing he has just come out of a 20 year relationship? She must be desperate.

 

She has a worthless good for nothing commitment phobic man! Thats about it. Dont get yourself caught in the trap Willow! YOU DID NOT MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!!!!!...................HE DID! More likely then not, he is in panic. Cant live without a relationship and latched on to the first thing that came along. Hes been hiding from the situation, hasn't been learning about what happened. I strongly doubt that he has changed any.

 

Think about it, all the things hes accused you of, all the things you did for him that he has ignored. How he left. Sounds to me like he wouldn't have been happy unless everyone around him is bending to his will so he could come and go in their lives as he pleased. Maybe shes weak like that, willing to accept the mistreatment. Is that what you would want for yourself????

 

Of course not. I know you miss him, just like I still miss my exwife, but I also know that I am better off. I cant love the woman shes become, I couldn't even be friends with her if i wanted to. It took meeting some amazing people that had everything she used to be and a lot more that I didn't even know was out there to see that. You'll get there Willow!

 

TOJAZ

Edited October 18, 2010 by willowthewisp

[sumdude]

willow, I sorry you're going through this. Especially after waiting so long for the engagement only to have the rug pulled out from under you. I know how it can be.. I was married a year and a half when my ex wife moved out suddenly while I was at work one day. Until almost the end I didn't know she was having an affair. I know she remarried less than a year after she split. Wouldn't be surprised if it was the same day our divorce became official after six months separation.

 

It's really hard for a while to get through the emotional mess when you're taken by surprise. I know in my case that yes.. there were relationship issues and other things that were problems. But no way did I have a clue it was already at the bitter end. Many times people will carry on a relationship that's working yet not totally fulfilling perhaps and suddenly someone else comes into the picture that's new and exciting. So they dovetail relationships. They keep their spouse or fiancee in the dark while the other relationship builds to a point that they're comfortable moving on to Plan B.

 

As far as blame and guilt... you can only own your part of a relationship that required two people. You can't take all the blame nor can you assign it all to the other. Thew important thing is to remember that no you didn't deserve it. There's nothing wrong with you but maybe you'll be able to look back in a while and see things more clearly and learn from them.

 

Divorce is very emotional and some posters may project what they've been through or what their spouses have done into your situation. So take any advice or criticism here on LS with a grain of salt.. mine included.

 

Most important thing right now is to take really good care of yourself. Watch what you say to yourself. Treat yourself like the best friend you ever had in the world. When your thoughts turn to things like "What's wrong with me?" or "I'm so messed up or undesirable." Ask yourself if you would say that to your best friend or a little child and give yourself a big break.

Edited October 19, 2010 by sumdude

[tojaz]

How does that change the situation for you? Knowing that you are simultaneously, not in control of him and not to blame for him? That there is nothing to be done for him? That the only thing left is for you to pick up your own bits and pieces and put yourself back together as best you can.

 

It doesn't change anything because it isn't true.

 

WIllow, it is true. You are not to blame. If this is what he wants to be you cant change it. Its a shame, but you cant make people decent, upstanding, caring human beings just by your sheer will. Thats why good people are in short supply these days. Hard lesson that I have had to learn is that try as you might, you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help them self. He doesn't. Hes become selfish, arrogant, and self justifying. Thats what they do! Thats why he cant see the hurt hes caused, the error of his ways. He simply doesn't want to. Thats why your not going to understand his thoughts, because they are tailored around him. Not the outside world, not you. They are warped and twisted in a way that makes what he has chosen seem reasonable, valid, and acceptable. You cant understand it because thats by design because if you could get in his head then you would be able to poke holes in his toxic logic, any reasonable person could. Your smart and deep down, i think you know i'm right.

 

Well, that thought hurts, so he never loved me, he wasted my life, the best years of it because he was comfortable? What a dispicable human being to do that to another and make them beleive they were loved. I don't think this was the case though by some things he said when he left.

 

Without going into specifics I'll just say we are both middle aged and the GF is younger, don't know by how much exacltly but guessing form the info I have about 9 years. It's such a cliche, he met her at work. LOL Pathetic.

 

No Willow, someone doesn't stay with someone for all those years if there wasn't love. Dont think he never loved you, because i am positive that this just isn't true. He wasn't always a despicable human being, you wouldn't have loved him otherwise.

 

It is the road he has chosen though Willow, and thats one of the toughest hurdles, to recognize him as what he has chosen to be rather then the sweet memories you have. Cherish those times for sure, but also keep him in perspective, hold him accountable for the choices hes made because, in caase i haven't mentioned it enough to you YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!

 

TOJAZ

[willowthewisp]

I'm actually furious, absolutely livid! Which I think is probably a good thing as I have not been angry about his treatment of me since he left. WELL I AM NOW!

[tojaz]

Good Willow, you have every right to be!

 

TOJAZ

[just_some_guy]

I'm actually furious, absolutely livid! Which I think is probably a good thing as I have not been angry about his treatment of me since he left. WELL I AM NOW!

 

That sounds like a step in a healthy direction.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

I'm actually furious, absolutely livid! Which I think is probably a good thing as I have not been angry about his treatment of me since he left. WELL I AM NOW!

 

Alright Willow, that's the spirit, you go girl, get down with your mad self! You want to know something that might help perpetuate those angry feelings, and make you feel kind of good after it's done! Go out to your nearest sporting good store, purchase a cheap dart board, then go find a photo of your ex-fiancé, tape it to the "bulls eye" portion of the dart board, grab a hand full of darts and just go at it!

 

Every time you throw a dart, say out loud something about him that pisses you off. Like, you dishonest S.O.B., there just flew a dart! You manipulating mother f**ker, there just went another dart! You f**king coward of commitment, wizzzzzzzzz the just flew another dart! Take your 20 years you S.O.B. and shove them straight up your candy a**, did you hear that, another dart found it's mark!

 

I played the "dart game" for about 2-3 months after I divorced my ex-wife, for she committed several offenses of adultery and gave me many of things to yell out loud while throwing darts at the board. Oh, I can remember those things I yelled out as if it were yesterday........"you cheating whore", "you lying bi**h", "home wrecker", "you gutter sl*t", "you trailer park trash talking inbreed b**ch"! I could so go on and on and on here, but I think you get the point! I went through about 20-30 photo's of my ex-wife, until I felt like I had played enough.

 

I tell you what though, there was no greater feeling back then, when I scored a "bulls eye", when the dart landed between her eye's, it was a great feeling,,,,lol!

 

Get angry, get miffed, get pissy, get rage in a cage, this is all healthy and will promote healing!

[worlybear]

Oh Willow I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't believe how shamefully some people act. I get that you think it's "your fault" as you sound a very caring person.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

He sounds just like my STBXH - having a MLC is a handy label that some s****y people use to duck responsibilities and labelling someone doesn't make it any easier to bear.

Did his new GF know about you? Surely she must have realised he was in a relationship ?

If she did,then she's as bad as he is and you deserve better!

Stay angry! Bite first and don't let the b*****ds get you down!:bunny:

[willowthewisp]

I'm so sick of this. I am swinging back and forth from anger to self balme. I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. Him dumping me after all those years and now marrying the first girl he dates after me. What was so wrong with me? Why is she so special?

[worlybear]

There is NOTHING wrong with you!! I don't know why he has left you in such a hurtful way and can only offer sympathy.

I don't expect his new relationship will last , even if he does get married, as he seems to have enormous issues regarding accepting responsibility for his actions- what a coward!

You really are better off without him (but I know how trite that sounds.)

I know you're not in a good place at the moment but hang in there ,we'll support you all the way.:bunny: