X has moved his GF in, proposed in less than a year!

[sumdude]

I'm so sick of this. I am swinging back and forth from anger to self balme. I don't know how much longer I can cope with this. Him dumping me after all those years and now marrying the first girl he dates after me. What was so wrong with me? Why is she so special?

 

You're going through the stages of grief. What you're feeling is normal though it sure doesn't feel that way when it's happening. Going through a divorce is a lot like grieving the death of a loved one. There are stages to the process. You don't go through them in any particular order and bounce between them sometimes. There's no time line to it. Some recover in months some take years. That is up to the individual and you have to work at it. Fasten your safety belt, this is one heck of an emotional roller coaster but the ride does end and you will be OK.

 

 

Shock and Denial - This isn't happening, no way. How could this happen to me? He/she will come to their senses.

 

Bargaining - I'll do anything do bring them back. I'll lose 50 pounds, I'll give up the ukulele. I'll buy big presents, take them on a vacation, promise to let mother in law move in. I'll change and they'll be back.

 

Guilt - There must be something I did. Something wrong with me somehow. It's my fault they left.

 

Anger - Eff that rotten, no good, cheatin, (*&%^*^%..!!! )(&*^$&(//... !!! 070972345 !!! I'll show 'em!! I hope they feel as bad as I do one day when their new lover dumps them! There's no way they'll last and I want REVENGE!

 

Depression - Pain, sorrow, running out of Kleenex. Country songs suddenly make a lot of sense .

 

Acceptance - It is what it is. You're starting to be OK with it. You start living life for yourself and having a lot more good days than bad ones. You find ways to forgive them and even more importantly forgive yourself. It doesn't matter anymore if youre ex is happy or not. You almost hope they're Ok but really you're indifferent. You start dating again if maybe a bit too much.

 

Moved On - You almost never think about them. You realize you can open yourself up to someone new again without fear and without what your ex did affecting the new relationship.

Edited October 20, 2010 by sumdude

[willowthewisp]

Had another IC session today, my counsellor explained what he thinks is going on from all that I have told him (and I've been honest with him, the good, bad and the ugly). He still thinks my X is CP and in mid life and he thinks he is in denial and has jumped into this new relationship way too fast for it to be anything other than an avoidance tactic to avoid his having to deal with his real issues.

 

Maybe he won't marry her, or maybe he will be stupid enough to go through with it, but someday he is going to have face what he has done and deal with his internal issues that caused it.

 

I just have to find a way to move on.

 

Unfortunately here on LS this kind of story is way to common. Usually (according to my IC), when a marriage breaks down both parties are aware of it, there is complaining, fighting, withdrawal, loss of affection, sex decreases or ceases, "things" will not feel right, something is different and you will pick up on this very quickly. Generally those people aren't here on LS because they aren't shocked by what has happened to them. I don't know why my type of story is more and more common but I find it incrediably sad.

[just_some_guy]

He still thinks my X is CP

 

What is CP?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

What is CP?

 

Well after a couple months around this place, I too have a hard time de-coding some initials.

 

CP, could stand for a certifiable prick!

 

I don't know, now I'm kind of interested in what a CP is.

[strangeways]

Commitment Phobe

[willowthewisp]

Commitment phobic, a person who is terrified of intimacy, has different trigger points depending on the person. Some just dating for a while, some moving in together, some engagement, some marriage, some marry then freak shortly after, some marry and freak on first child and some marry and freak on last child, some even manage to avoid freaking by using avoidance techniques eg working exessively long hours.

 

They have a push-pull dynamic going on, they crave love and intimacy but at the same time it terrifys them if they "feel" they are getting too close and so withdraw. Sometimes this is subtle but sometimes if the "trigger" happens they can totally freak out and run away completely.

[trippi1432]

Had another IC session today, my counsellor explained what he thinks is going on from all that I have told him (and I've been honest with him, the good, bad and the ugly). He still thinks my X is CP and in mid life and he thinks he is in denial and has jumped into this new relationship way too fast for it to be anything other than an avoidance tactic to avoid his having to deal with his real issues.

 

Maybe he won't marry her, or maybe he will be stupid enough to go through with it, but someday he is going to have face what he has done and deal with his internal issues that caused it.

 

I just have to find a way to move on.

 

Unfortunately here on LS this kind of story is way to common. Usually (according to my IC), when a marriage breaks down both parties are aware of it, there is complaining, fighting, withdrawal, loss of affection, sex decreases or ceases, "things" will not feel right, something is different and you will pick up on this very quickly. Generally those people aren't here on LS because they aren't shocked by what has happened to them. I don't know why my type of story is more and more common but I find it incrediably sad.

 

I tend to lean more towards the MLC causing the CP. The MLC mindset is contradictory and in most cases, results in a person "running" away from everything in their life....CP.

 

Unfortunately, your IC is right, in most marriages the break down is evident by many of those things. In my case, those things had become the "normal" environment for over a decade Hard to see the train in those circumstances when you are used to getting hit by it everyday.

 

It's good that you are being very open, this is about working on you and helping you move forward. And you are very right, some day he will have to have to face himself and deal with own internal issues. When that day comes for him, I'm betting you will already be in a better place.

[LiveWell]

no one stays with someone engaged for 8 years without marrying unless there is something very very wrong (for want of a better word) with them

 

You stayed with each other.

[willowthewisp]

You stayed with each other.

 

Yes, because there was something "wrong" with him!

 

This comment comes across as very sarcastic? Not sure if that is how you intended it or not, but you have taken what I was saying and the meaning behind my words completely out of context. I don't think it's necessary for to explain again what I meant, I think most people got it as no one else felt the need to make such a one line, perdantic comment.

Edited October 23, 2010 by willowthewisp

[willowthewisp]

I tend to lean more towards the MLC causing the CP. The MLC mindset is contradictory and in most cases, results in a person "running" away from everything in their life....CP.

 

 

That makes a lot of sense Trippi, but in his case there were a lot of CP signs all the way through our relationship, things which at the time I was aware of, some of which caused the occasional argument over the years, but which with hindsight evidence CP.

[LiveWell]

Everything that you've posted about the relationship suggests co-dependency as being a huge issue for the both of you.

 

Neither of you could be in a healthy relationship together. The reasons for that are unclear.

 

Your ex managed to break free of the co-dependent relationship with you. Once that unhealthy dynamic was terminated, he was able to quickly enter a healthy committed relationship with someone else.

 

It is time for you to look to the future, not to the past, and attempt to have the same success that your ex was able to achieve.

[tojaz]

Everything that you've posted about the relationship suggests co-dependency as being a huge issue for the both of you.

 

Neither of you could be in a healthy relationship together. The reasons for that are unclear.

 

Your ex managed to break free of the co-dependent relationship with you. Once that unhealthy dynamic was terminated, he was able to quickly enter a healthy committed relationship with someone else.

 

It is time for you to look to the future, not to the past, and attempt to have the same success that your ex was able to achieve.

 

Is this really what a left behind spouse needs to hear? Seriously, have you read Willows story? To come here and descripe her relationship as something her ex had to "break free" from! Or to assume that his new relationship is healthy? Based on what?

 

Honestly you have someone obviously blaming themselves unjustly and this is what is posted?

 

Willow, Live well had one piece of good advice which I have highlighted. In my opinion I would disregard the rest.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Willow, Live well had one piece of good advice which I have highlighted. In my opinion I would disregard the rest.

 

TOJAZ

 

Well stated Tojaz - I second that opinion!!

[willowthewisp]

Everything that you've posted about the relationship suggests co-dependency as being a huge issue for the both of you.

 

Neither of you could be in a healthy relationship together. The reasons for that are unclear.

 

Your ex managed to break free of the co-dependent relationship with you. Once that unhealthy dynamic was terminated, he was able to quickly enter a healthy committed relationship with someone else.

 

It is time for you to look to the future, not to the past, and attempt to have the same success that your ex was able to achieve.

 

You don't know me or anything about my relationship with my X. You're way off the mark.

Funnily enough, I'm going to take the opinion of the medically qualified therapist I am seeing, whom I am sure would have flagged codependancy up if it was relevant, rather than someone on an internet forum who doesn't know me and who joined up and for some unknown reason choose to post their first post on my thread which was sarcastic and unhelpful.

 

Your not my X's NEW fiancee are you? No I guess not, just someone who needs to find self justification for their own issues and perhaps justify their own actions.

Edited October 23, 2010 by willowthewisp

[willowthewisp]

Is this really what a left behind spouse needs to hear? Seriously, have you read Willows story? To come here and descripe her relationship as something her ex had to "break free" from! Or to assume that his new relationship is healthy? Based on what?

 

Honestly you have someone obviously blaming themselves unjustly and this is what is posted?

 

Willow, Live well had one piece of good advice which I have highlighted. In my opinion I would disregard the rest.

 

TOJAZ

 

Thanks for sticking up for me! The opinions of others are just that, theirs, they are entitiled to them but at the end of the day I know the truth, I lived it.

[willowthewisp]

Well stated Tojaz - I second that opinion!!

 

You to Trippi, thanks for the support.

[just_some_guy]

WoW,

 

The hard question for you, and I do not say this with any malign intent, what was your part in this long term relationship?

 

If it was important to you to be married and have a fully-committed relationship rather than what this CP offered you, why did you accept the situation?

[willowthewisp]

WoW,

 

The hard question for you, and I do not say this with any malign intent, what was your part in this long term relationship?

 

If it was important to you to be married and have a fully-committed relationship rather than what this CP offered you, why did you accept the situation?

 

It's very difficult to explain, the only way I can try is by telling you that I loved and trusted my X without question so when he would make up excuses as to why we were not setting the date, I beleived them to be reasons. We had built a life together, we owned property together, we had joint bank accounts and he would call me his wife! He would say he thought of us as married, he thought of me as his wife and we just hadn't had the wedding. We made long term plans, talked about having children and what we would tell our grandchildren etc.

 

Yes, I was foolish to beleive his excuses but he not only fooled me, he fooled my parents, his parents, his siblings, our friends everyone, even the minister who was going to marry us who said "no need for you to come to marriage classes, there's nothing I can tell you about marriage you don't already know, you've been married essentially for the last 12 years", people descirbed us as "lifers".

 

In hindsight (isn't it a wonderful thing ), and with the help of therapy I can see these were excuses for his CP but at the time I was foolish and gulliable to have swolled them without question.

 

PS Live well - I apoligise for my harsh response to you, as I am sure you can appreciate my emotions are a bit up and down at the moment, you are entitlted to your opinion but I disagree and I would be grateful if we could drop the subject now, I have worked through how my X left in IC and I now understand what happened and his issues, all I want to do is move forward, I don't wnat to discuss theories of why he left me, I already know why, I just want to move on with my life.

Edited October 23, 2010 by willowthewisp

[tojaz]

It's very difficult to explain, the only way I can try is by telling you that I loved and trusted my X without question so when he would make up excuses as to why we were not setting the date, I beleived them to be reasons. We had built a life together, we owned property together, we had joint bank accounts and he would call me his wife! He would say he thought of us as married, he thought of me as his wife and we just hadn't had the wedding. We made long term plans, talked about having children and what we would tell our grandchildren etc.

 

Yes, I was foolish to beleive his excuses but he not only fooled me, he fooled my parents, his parents, his siblings, our friends everyone, even the minister who was going to marry us who said "no need for you to come to marriage classes, there's nothing I can tell you about marriage you don't already know, you've been married essentially for the last 12 years", people descirbed us as "lifers".

 

In hindsight (isn't it a wonderful thing ), and with the help of therapy I can see these were excuses for his CP but at the time I was foolish and gulliable to have swolled them without question.

 

PS Live well - I apoligise for my harsh response to you, as I am sure you can appreciate my emotions are a bit up and down at the moment, you are entitlted to your opinion but I disagree and I would be grateful if we could drop the subject now, I have worked through how my X left in IC and I now understand what happened and his issues, all I want to do is move forward, I don't wnat to discuss theories of why he left me, I already know why, I just want to move on with my life.

 

Willow, you were neither foolish nor gullible to have believed him. Who can we trust if not those we care about? Unfortunately sometimes those people prove to no longer be worthy of our trust, and it is always painful to realize that.

 

I see you here sometimes struggling in the search for answers. Thats a natural part of life, and a natural tendency is to try to find order and to be able to organize our thoughts and feelings into something easily describable. Thats one of the very best and very worst parts of life. Funny how that works isn't it?

 

That unfortunately is the catch, the deeper you dig and the more you look, the more it tends to hurt because you will never fully understand. You don't think like he does, feel like he does, you dont have a heart like he does. Be thankful for that!

 

While his actions will probably never be explained to your satisfaction, it sounds like you are coming to know all you need to...... He is no longer welcome, he is no longer deserving of your care or worthy of your heart.

 

I just want to move on with my life.

 

Just by saying that, you are!

 

TOJAZ