manders_01 Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 I'm not really sure what sub-forum this should be in but this one seemed to be the most correct. Sorry for the length; please bear with me. "And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert." I am in love with someone who from every indication, does not love me back. We know each other through work; he was the contractor on my last project. From just about day one, I've been head over heels in love with him. During the project, we spent many a moment flirting, eye flirting, stolen glances, casual touches, etc. We went to a couple of baseball games together and he bought me lunch when I won a bet. In November, we moved to another level when we had a hot and heavy make-out session and made a decision to start dating. During the conversation about us dating, we both revealed that we were dating other people. Unfortunately, the dating part didn't actually pan out and we went back to the flirting, etc. Fast-forward to May when he, I and his co-worker went out for my birthday. We spent the evening eye bleeping and then went back to my house and actually did. During that time, I asked why it was we were having sex with other people instead of each other. I never really got an answer. Again, things between us were exactly as before. The next week we were the last two left on the jobsite and as we were standing by our cars chatting before we left, I put my arms around him and tried to kiss him. He wouldn't let me though saying he was "too easily seduced by me". I asked him to go to the baseball game with me that Saturday night and he agreed. When he didn't call me prior as he was supposed to, I tried both his personal and work cells with no avail. I went to the game by myself. He called while I was there but I was so furious, I couldn't speak to him. I texted him when I got home and before I knew it, I had completely forgiven him. However, I was able to get him to agree to talk to me about what was going on with us. The next afternoon he came over and we went and had a beer. We spent 3 hours at the bar talking. Even via work phone calls, we talk and talk. When we got back to my place, we finally started to talk about us. He told me he was still dating the same girl he was and that he felt guilty about what happened between us. But with almost the same breath he told me how much he liked me and that if he wasn't dating her, he'd be dating me. There was really no resolution to us except for me know that I had two choices: continue to wait for him or move on. I knew what the right choice was but was never able to follow through. After the project was over we didn't talk as much as we had during but still fairly regularly. Two weekends ago he texted me during the football game I was watching to trash talk. We continued through the game the whole time knowing that we would probably be together that night. Sure enough, I went over to his place when the game was over. He's still dating her but I wanted him so I didn't really care. This week, our football teams played each other. We had a bet on the game that the loser bought the winner dinner. I was going to call it off last night because clearly he has no desire to have dinner with me. Or at least not enough of a desire to have dinner with me when there wasn't a bet. I chickened out because I just don't want to face the fact that he doesn't. So I figured when my team won, like they were supposed to, I wouldn't collect on the bet. Unfortunately, his team won and I feel like taking him out to dinner would be like tricking him in to spending time with me. I do believe he likes me but not enough to break up with his girlfriend and start dating me. I have felt like I need to get over him numerous times but I've never really come close. I know I need to. I just don't know how. How do you stop loving someone? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Um, if you made out, and he was more active than an inanimate object, it's not exactly unrequited, eh? To me, and I have a bit of experience with this, like a lifetime, it sounds like he has no romantic intentions towards you but did enjoy the make-out session and does find you attractive. The current dynamic is rife for the Cheer's effect, where he'll give you just enough encouragement/appreciation/flirtation/validation to string you along. IME, the easiest way to get rid of him (since he's no prize, making out with you while dating and likely having sex with someone else) is to enact firm boundaries. Once it stops being about him, he'll go away to pick his fruit elsewhere. How do you stop loving someone? IME, seeing them clearly as they are and accepting that they (him in this case) do not love you. Accepting the imbalance as unhealthy and seeking to resolve it to a balanced state. Caring less. Ceasing contact. Heck, as long as you've been on LS, you should be giving me advice. Hope it works out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author manders_01 Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) Um, if you made out, and he was more active than an inanimate object, it's not exactly unrequited, eh? To me, and I have a bit of experience with this, like a lifetime, it sounds like he has no romantic intentions towards you but did enjoy the make-out session and does find you attractive. The current dynamic is rife for the Cheer's effect, where he'll give you just enough encouragement/appreciation/flirtation/validation to string you along. IME, the easiest way to get rid of him (since he's no prize, making out with you while dating and likely having sex with someone else) is to enact firm boundaries. Once it stops being about him, he'll go away to pick his fruit elsewhere. How do you stop loving someone? IME, seeing them clearly as they are and accepting that they (him in this case) do not love you. Accepting the imbalance as unhealthy and seeking to resolve it to a balanced state. Caring less. Ceasing contact. Heck, as long as you've been on LS, you should be giving me advice. Hope it works out! More than made out...we've had sex and spent the night in each others arms several times. I think your comment about seeing who he really is is so right. My friends who know both of us have already soured on him because of his inability to be straight with me. Maybe it's time I really open my eyes and see that he is not the type of man I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. LOL You don't want my advice, I guarantee that! Thanks for the response! Edited October 18, 2010 by manders_01 Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 I just like to put in my 2 cents.... You should start dating other people. Even if you don't feel like it, it should help you get this guy off your mind. I'm sure other people will prove more interesting and available. Link to post Share on other sites
shayan Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 the only way to stop loving someone is to reinvest that love into new things, new people, new activities, new goals, and your self. You can't just stop loving someone and be done, because there will be a void in your life and it will cause you sadness. You can remove that love and reinvest it, and then by default you stop loving them. Get it? Link to post Share on other sites
shayan Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 the same kind of concept applies here, you can't really stop thinking about somthing because in order to do that you have to think about not thinking about it and you're still thinking about it. But you can focus on something new and positive and by default you stop thinking about it. Get it? hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
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