I Love a Girl--Does This Sound Like She Was Abused?

[slider_alt]

Okay, let me start off by saying that I love a woman who's 28. She's only a few years younger than I am. I can't get my mind off this woman. We both are strong people who are broken in a lot of ways. As a matter of fact, that's one of the first things I noticed about her and I think she noticed about me--in a crowd of people, we both stood out and seemed similar in a lot of ways.

 

I've never been abused by a family member, nor have I ever had anything sexual forced on me against my will. I have been victimized by thugs in the past though. Emotionally, I'm not the best, but I'm okay.

 

But anyway, the girl I like, she always mentions how I don't know everything about her--like there's some dark secret. She never goes on to tell me what it is though. She also seems to like me a lot, but any time I try to get close to her, she pushes me away (not in a phyiscal sense). Also, even though I've told her about my sex life, or lack thereof, she has never told me about hers. And it doesn't seem like it's due to shyness either. It seems like it must be some greater reason because we usually can talk about ANYTHING.

 

Whenever I've tried to hold her hand, she seemed like she wanted to do it, but she just couldn't commit to it. Also, once I made a special effort to put the moves on her and she just stared at me with a smile on her face and jokingly said, "If you try to kiss me, I'm going to punch you!" She didn't say it like she felt threatened by me or anything, but I can tell she really didn't want me to make any moves on her, so I didn't. But the whole time, she kept trying to reassure me that it wasn't my fault and that she knows how I am and that she hoped I wouldn't go home later and beat myself up about it or feel like I wasn't good enough.

 

Also, she doesn't have many friends and she seems to push people away before they can get close. I sort of do the same thing as well. Also, she's admitted a number of times that she likes me and she says that she's afraid it would mess up our friendship if we got together. She also always acts like she wouldn't be able to give me what I wanted and she says that she's "emotionally unavailable" and she always mentions how there are some things she needs to improve about herself all the time.

 

Also, she seems to have a lot of trust issues. For instance, I'm a pretty nonviolent guy (always been that way, plus my own victimization makes me hate the idea of inflicting violence on others because I had it done to me), but one time I told her that I had a dream and she was being mean to me in it. She asked if I did anything in the dream to deserve it--like hit her. I told her no and then asked if she really thought I'd be capable of such a thing. She then mentioned Chris Brown and said that he once said that he would never hit Rihanna. I couldn't believe she would think such a thing about me. I don't know, but maybe she felt that way for bigger reasons that I didn't understand at the time.

 

Recently, she let me proofread a paper she wrote to volunteer at an organization and she mentioned how she used to live in an abusive home and how she likes to help children who grew up in such homes. At first, I wasn't sure if she just wrote that to make the paper sound good so she'd get considered for the position, but then I figured it sounded like it could be true and would explain a lot of things. She usually always has me proofread her work. Do you think it's possible that she had me proofread it as a way to explain why she is the way she is without her having to verbally do it?

 

Does it sound like she may have suffered abuse and if so, what kind? Physical, verbal, sexual? Two of them? All of them? I really want to understand this girl. I haven't given up on her yet. It's hard, but a big part of me wants to show her what it's like to feel loved. Out of all the good I've done for her, though, I don't think I may be capable enough. Any suggestions? Or is it wrong for me to keep trying to love someone who feels so emotionally unavailable?

[youngskywalker]

It's definitely not wrong to love someone who feels emotionally unavailable but I do know some people who went through similar types of relationships and it is a lot of work. The problem is with these types of people is that it's constant maintenance to keep them propped up. Just when you think you've broke through and helped them they relapse back and need more reassurance. It becomes a cycle. They like the attention and feeling sorry for themselves.

 

I don't think it's possible to tell from your post what kind of abuse she has been through but that's for you to find out. Try to build her trust first because she may not tell you if she doesn't trust you. Share the things that you have gone through in life and eventually she may open up. Take it slow and invest the time into her because you may find a wonderful relationship develops from it. Just be careful not to get caught up in an endless cycle of propping her up emotionally.

[Truthseeker-John]

slider_alt, it seems to me that this woman has been abused in some way and that she is scared of trusting the closeness of a sexual relationship. You are obviously fond of her and if you want to be with her, you are going to have to take it very steady - she needs to know that you really care and that you are not a threat in any way.

[Lucky555]

It sounds to me like she has been abused. I can relate to how she feels with guys. I myself have issues with trust only because like her and myself she was probably absued my people who were close to her. If people love you why do they hurt you? That's always been the question in my mind and to this day it's still there. In relationships i trust a person only some. I usually let it build the relationship that is. For people who have been abused it takes a longer time for them to open up. It may take years to even know about any abuse. You have to keep commitments and you have to match your words with your actions. Don't be fake just be real. Emotionally abuse makes a person numb inside. Otherwise you have to gently massage the heart by keeping up your promises and building the trust. I does make a person more protective of themselves it's almost like survival. I wouldn't ask her about abuse you may scare her away and it's too heavy for dating. When she wants to tell you she will. I'm sure she wants to forget about it. No one is 100 percent perfect but I myself wish I knew what it was like not to ever have had to deal with abuse. I wish it was erased from my brain... But I can't and I have put it away so to speak but it is part of a past I wish I could forget. I'm sure she is a bright lady but you just have to be less suspicious and focus on the good in the relationship. Let if flow naturally and above all develop a solid relationship by action. Hope that helps

[slider_alt]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Before I got any replies to this message, I spoke to a female friend of mine who admits to being abused and raped and she explained how numb she feels inside. She's also pretty straight-forward and tough emotionally. She recommended that I be sort of firm with the girl I'm in love with (I've always been pretty nice) and mention that I'd be there to listen to her if she ever wanted to talk about anything.

 

Well I briefly mentioned to the girl I love about what she wrote in that paper (the thing about her childhood) and she sort of downplayed the whole thing and said that she's just real imaginative when she writes and that I overanalyze everything and it's not as bad as I think. She said that she did have a difficult childhood, but it was mainly just neglect and nothing else. To get her to open up, I even briefly shared my experience of how I felt like I had something taken away from me when I was a victim of phyiscal violence by some thuggish guys in high school.

 

Do you think she was just downplaying her experience because she felt nervous about me confronting her about it? Even though she said I was overanalyzing things, she did thank me for being concerned and caring.

 

Also, even if she didn't get abused as a child, I know that her last boyfriend wasn't too nice of a guy. She never spoke too fondly of him and when I first met her, she even joked that she wanted to put a hit out on him. I don't know if he could have done something to her or not, but she seems to have a lot of trust issues with guys. She even always says things like, "There are no good guys in the world." This always hurts me because sometimes I feel like, "Hey, what am I? Chopped liver?"

 

Oh, and her ex-boyfriend started out as her friend before they got together and the relationship went bad. In the past, she's compared that relationship with our relationship and has admitted that she's afraid for us to get together because of how the previous guy changed on her after they got together.

 

It's really frustrating. It's frustrating when you didn't have feelings of love for someone and they sent certain signals to you that made you feel like they really cared about you, but then later on, they seemed to get scared and now they try to deny those feelings.

[Downtown]

Slider, I have some information that may be helpful. I notice, however, that you've not posted in three weeks. Are you still here?

[slider_alt]

Yeah, I'm here. Sorry about that.

[Downtown]

Slider, I am so sorry to hear that your relationship with your GF is so seriously impaired by her emotional unavailability and trust issues. It sounds like she may be suffering from PTSD or a personality disorder (PD). Of the two, PTSD would be less serious because it generally is shorter lived and much easier to treat than a PD. At this point, however, there is little indication she has PTSD because she has not mentioned anything to you about frequent nightmares, strong anxiety, or flashbacks. Moreover, the behavior you describe sounds like the traits of a PD, as I will discuss below.

Is it wrong for me to keep trying to love someone who feels so emotionally unavailable?

As Skywalker says, there is nothing wrong with loving an emotionally unavailable person. What would be wrong is having a false expectation of getting much mature love in return.

Any time I try to get close to her, she pushes me away.... Also, she doesn't have many friends and she seems to push people away before they can get close.

As I said, the behavior you are describing sounds like strong traits of a PD. A person suffering from strong traits of AvPD (Avoidant PD), for example, has a strong fear of rejection and intimacy. With BPD traits, the strong fears are engulfment (from intimacy) and abandonment. But, if your GF has strong PD traits, you would also be seeing other traits too. With BPD traits, for example, you would also be seeing emotional instability, low self esteem, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, blaming every misfortune and mistake on others, and inability to trust.

Also, she seems to have a lot of trust issues.... She seems to have a lot of trust issues with guys. She even always says things like, "There are no good guys in the world."

This behavior -- if it is frequent as you say -- indicates not only the inability to trust but also black-white thinking. The latter occurs as all-or-nothing thinking, wherein the person classifies everyone as "all good" or "all bad." Typically what happens is that, due to a trauma in early childhood (combined with genetics), a person is unable to integrate the good and bad aspects of her personality. That is, she is unable to think of herself as a "basically decent person" who occasionally makes mistakes and has bad thoughts.

 

She is unable to be comfortable with such ambiguities, paradoxes (e.g., he's a good man doing a bad thing), and gray areas. Instead, she perceives of others as good or bad and, in response to any minor act or statement triggering her fears, she will reclassify someone in 10 seconds. As I just noted, the inability to trust and black-white thinking are two of the hallmarks of BPD traits. But, by themselves, they are insufficient to indicate that BPD is an issue.

She mentioned how she used to live in an abusive home ... but it was mainly just neglect and nothing else.

In a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults, 6% were found to have BPD at the diagnostic level sometime in their lifetimes. Of those, 70% reported having been abused or neglected in early childhood. Of course, this does not mean that your GF has BPD because most abused children do not grow up having that disorder. Moreover, to have strong BPD traits, your GF would have to be emotionally unstable -- which you do not say she is. If she is unstable, you would not just see her pushing you away (Avoidants do that). Rather, you would see her pushing you away (by creating arguments out of thin air) and, then, when she starts fearing abandonment, she would start pulling you back in with sweetness and caring. That push-pull cycle would repeat endlessly. Significantly, you do not report such a cycle occurring. That is a good thing.

... a big part of me wants to show her what it's like to feel loved. Out of all the good I've done for her, though, I don't think I may be capable enough.

Nobody is capable of it if she has strong PD traits. She would always question your love for her no matter how much you sacrifice on her behalf to prove otherwise.

we usually can talk about ANYTHING.

Many PD sufferers can talk at length about nearly everything until something triggers one of their fears. With a BPDer, for example, you would rarely -- if ever -- be able to have a calm, rational discussion about any mistake they made or flaw they have, because doing so would trigger withdrawal or a rage. Nor would you be able to talk calmly about compromising on an issue because they have a desperate need to control you (due to their abandonment fear).

I know that her last boyfriend wasn't too nice of a guy. She never spoke too fondly of him and when I first met her, she even joked that she wanted to put a hit out on him.

Perhaps he wasn't nice. Yet, if your GF has strong BPD or NPD traits, her perception of him likely is so distorted that you cannot believe anything she says about him. In any event, if she is suffering from strong BPD traits, they were in place far before she ever met her Ex.

I really want to understand this girl.

Given your goal, I encourage you to read more about PD traits and PTSD traits. It is fairly easy to identify strong occurrences of selfishness, inability to trust, lack of impulse control, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and fear of intimacy. Indeed, an adult would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to spot such traits in a person he has been dating for months.

 

What is a bit trickier is to recognize strong patterns of those dysfunctional traits when the patterns occur. But you can do that too because the American Psychological Association and hundreds of other health organizations have been educating the public by posting a wealth of information -- targeted to laymen like us -- on how to spot traits (i.e., red flags) of the ten personality disorders -- and of a mental disability like PTSD. Even without leaving this forum, you can read a broad overview of BPD behavior in my several posts on Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453.

 

What is hard is making a clinical diagnosis because that requires determining whether the severity meets the diagnostic threshold and teasing apart the contributions of other PDs and illnesses. Harder still is knowing how to treat a PD. This is why diagnosis and treatment are the province of professionals.