Am I being petty or is this a subtle tell-tale sign?

[Teknoe]

Looking back on my unrequited crush interest, I'm realizing she's not so perfect. Let me know if this is my being petty, or if you feel it's a legit subtle tell-tale sign.

 

One day we were hanging out in a group. I got bit by who knows what, and had a reaction to the sting. I was taken for first aid. When I came back, a lot of the people asked how I was doing, but she never bothered to ask. She sat in the opposite corner doing her own thing. Granted, she no doubt heard people asking if I was OK, but a good friend who cares (which I thought she was) would STILL approach you (privately) and see how you're doing, right?

 

Am I petty to read into this, or is this a legit tell-tale sign that maybe our friendship was more 80/20 her/me than 50/50? I do feel like I give give to her and I don't receive nearly as much in return. It's usually about her.

 

My girl friends tell me I'm not being petty and that this situation says everything I need to know. She liked my attention but didn't necessarily care ALL THAT MUCH for me if it didn't have something to do with her. Once again I was blinded by infatuation.

 

Thoughts?

[Not the love ace]

Personally, I would avoid a lady like that. Like your girls said, she just likes your attention but doesn't want to give you hers. She seems like she worries more about her feeling good than making anyone else feel good.

[Yvette_Sveden]

Hi, Hon!

 

I read your comments on the other topic, but I'm going to respond to it here, since this is your topic.

 

If you email her, telling her about that time where she didn't ask you how you felt after getting stung by a bee, you will come across as a whiner. No and, if's, or but's about it. You would be using your emotion to manipulate her into feeling sorry for you against her will. It will offend her and/or creep her out.

 

I'm going to have to agree with "Not the love ace" on this one. I, too, don't think she worth more of your time. I guess you were being a little too nice with her. Something that you (and what a lot of other people don't realize) is that when you're around someone who you have a huge crush on, you act very differently around her than you would around women who you're not attracted to. The girl who you fancied was someone who you acted a little too nice and perfect around her. Have you ever had girls who you were not attracted to express interest in you? That was because all that time you never acted as if you cared a whole lot about them. In their eyes you were mysterious or playing a little hard to get. If you acted around those girls they way you acted around the main girl we're talking about, I don't think the girls who you never had interest in would've given you hints in the first place.

 

This whole "being too perfect or nice" goes back to the part where she told you that she's "not in a state to date right now." Sometimes identifying a guy as being 'too nice' means that he's not being authentic. He may be showing signs that he's trying too hard, and there is something more under the surface, a feeling of inadequacy. More likely, it means that he doesn't seem exciting enough. In other words, she was trying to put you down as nicely as possible.

 

It could be possible that she just came off a tough break up and that she needs some time before she starts to date again. But even if that were the case, I don't think that you would've been a good candidate for her. The part that pained me most was the fact that you used to talk to her on the phone basically every night till 2 or 3 in the morning. Just out of curiosity, what time did these conversations start? Whatever to that question is, I would not be sexually interested in a guy who I never dated and that same guys was someone who I was on the phone with every night for hours at a time. It usually doesn't bring you any closer to her if you let her pour her heart out about her daily life while you do the same to her. Women are not sexually attractive to men who they feel they can "talk about everything with," if that guy was someone who she never kissed or dated or had sex with.

 

Women have enough stress in their lives. The next time you find yourself interested in a girl, don't overwhelm her with information and have her know about your problems and such. Tell her as little as possible about you, if she wants to know she will ask. Even if girls say they want to know everything about you, don't tell them, give them small bits and pieces. The more information you give away about yourself, in as little time possible, the less interesting you become. Perhaps you can tease her by saying that if she stick around long enough then she'll find out more, that's if she keeps pressing for information.

 

You know what? If you want one final answer from her, ask her what if she's willing to hang out with you on such-and-such night. For example, if you want to see her on Saturday night, ask her is she's willing to hang out with you on that night, but that she should give you the answer by late Thursday. Let's see how she answers. You said that she didn't say yes or no. I think she doesn't want to go out with you, but if you ask her in this way, you'll get a more direct answer. Like I said, I don't like your chances here, but give it a try if you want to.

 

That phone conversation thing really killed your chances. Next time, phone conversation with women you're interested in should be kept short. They should be used primarily for setting up dates only.

Edited October 20, 2010 by Yvette_Sveden

[Teknoe]

Yvette, thanks for your in-depth reply! Appreciate it.

 

To clear the air, we never talked on the phone much. It was ONLINE CHATTING, which I think is OK to chat with girls for a lengthy time with. Although it may build somewhat of an artificial bond, hey, you keep yourself in someone's radar right?

 

So basically, every night (or a good 4, 5 nights outta the week), we'd talk from like midnight to 2 AM on gchat. There were rarely ever any moments of silences. It was back and forth. Good rapport. I made her laugh a lot by her "Hahahahaha's" and such, and her big laughter "HAHAHAHAHA" also appeared quite a bit. So I felt we were on the right track.

 

I hear what you're saying about the whole mystery thing. Another female friend told me kinda the opposite. She said I didn't share with this lady interest of mine ENOUGH ABOUT ME. I listened to her problems but never said "I totally understand, I went through something similar myself."

 

My friend thinks I didn't sell myself enough to make this girl interested in me. I guess it's a fine line between selling yourself and not revealing too much.

 

As for asking her to hang out, no thanks. I will see her next month anyway when our group has a "reunion" gathering. I'll probably reply to her email tomorrow and yes, I will NOT bring up the bug bite thing. You're right, I would come off as manipulative and whiney.

 

At this point Yvette, I won't be "perfect" around her any more. I won't look to her as my only option. If I see another girl I like, I'll pursue that girl and not worry about her. The ball is in her court after all. If she wants me, I will know. And if she doesn't, I will also know that. At this point, I really don't have to do anything any more. Sure, I could chip away at her, but I rather be with a girl who is naturally interested in being with me as well.

[Sauvignon]

It is good that you are going through this, no matter what the actual truth is. Finding flaws in the person you liked is part of natural healing process. It helps you move on, embrace it

[Yvette_Sveden]

 

To clear the air, we never talked on the phone much. It was ONLINE CHATTING, which I think is OK to chat with girls for a lengthy time with. Although it may build somewhat of an artificial bond, hey, you keep yourself in someone's radar right?

 

So basically, every night (or a good 4, 5 nights outta the week), we'd talk from like midnight to 2 AM on gchat. There were rarely ever any moments of silences. It was back and forth. Good rapport. I made her laugh a lot by her "Hahahahaha's" and such, and her big laughter "HAHAHAHAHA" also appeared quite a bit. So I felt we were on the right track.

 

Umm... that's like a phone conversation, only without the phone. I'm not sure what to make of this, but I'll leave this part alone.

 

 

I hear what you're saying about the whole mystery thing. Another female friend told me kinda the opposite. She said I didn't share with this lady interest of mine ENOUGH ABOUT ME. I listened to her problems but never said "I totally understand, I went through something similar myself."

 

 

My friend thinks I didn't sell myself enough to make this girl interested in me. I guess it's a fine line between selling yourself and not revealing too much.

 

There is a fine line, but let me ask you something. Why haven't taken advice from your male buddies? I think what they to tell you will be very valuable.

 

 

At this point Yvette, I won't be "perfect" around her any more. I won't look to her as my only option. If I see another girl I like, I'll pursue that girl and not worry about her. The ball is in her court after all. If she wants me, I will know. And if she doesn't, I will also know that. At this point, I really don't have to do anything any more. Sure, I could chip away at her, but I rather be with a girl who is naturally interested in being with me as well.

 

I love that answer and love your attitude there! It's sexy because now you're a man on a suave adventure. She cannot get the impression that you are dependent on her only, especially if she's not interested in you in that way. Something like that might make her feel a little sorry for you and put you lower on her list. Show women some interest that you like them, but act indifferent around them. If you act "perfect" around them, they won't see the challenge in that and they'll celebrate another victory in their minds thinking that they won over another guy just as easily as they do to many other men, assuming that the girl in question is very attractive. The more attractive she is, the more she'll think that. I know this because I'm living proof of this.

 

Follow your own advice that I just quoted and you'll be just fine, babe!

[Teknoe]

^ Heh, my guy friends' advice are pretty much along the lines of "Sorry buddy, you should just move on." Some say completely, like, not even be friends with her after all this. But I can't see myself doing that. I do like the idea of us remaining friends.

 

Oh, update. I sent out a mass email, asking if people wanted to see a play this weekend. She replied that she would be interested in seeing it (with me). I don't want to read too much into this, but it's definitely a good sign. No, it's not 1 on 1, but so far, it's just me, her and a guy friend she's never met before. Probably be a few more by Friday. Still, it's good that she still wants to hang out together.

 

I'm over her, yet at the same time not fully quite yet. I think part of the reason why is I just don't have a current interest in any other ladies that I know of. Maybe that's not such a good thing... to go from one to the next interest.

 

Anyway, looks like I'll be seeing her this weekend.

[Slips715]

RED ALERT: you are never going to get anywhere with her. Easiest strategy is to start ignoring her and have a lot of fun. If she ever asks you about it or tells you that you've changed, then half-heartedly ask her if everything is ok and then move on. It's like tug of war, if you pull back, she'll come closer.

In the end, you don't want to have to play games, so this girl is obviously not the one for you. Use this strategy to show her how stupid she is. I know this sounds petty, but you seem like a good dude who is unappreciated, so stop giving so much. Trust me, I've used this strategy plenty of times and it works, the only thing that makes it ok is that I'm moral about it and I never intentionally make someone feel bad, I just take this as an opportunity to focus on myself, my well being, and my happiness and the rest falls into place.

Keep it real.

[Yvette_Sveden]

Your male friends are more straight up with you, and so was every other guy who posted in this thread. Your female friend was trying to give you a glimmer of hope, but your male buddies were right on the money. Yes, I suggested that you ask her out just to see if she would give you a more direct answer. But I also agreed with the idea that you should basically forget ever thinking that you'll get far with her.

 

You can be friends with her, but that's where you will most likely stay. And I'm afraid that you stay on the hope that she will see you as more than just a friend. That will waste your time from looking elsewhere for someone who will return your advances. I've not seen anything out of her that would suggest to me that she's interested in being romantic with you.

 

The advice your male buddies are giving you and the advice the other guys in here are telling you might be hard for you to swallow, but if you stay on the hope that something more can come out of this, then you might set yourself up for a disappointment.

 

If you're going to see her this weekend, it is your mission to know if she's interested in you in that way. Since she's going to be there, something has to give. I don't think she'll say yes, but this is something you need to know. I don't want to see you go on and continue to wonder if she wants to share a relationship with you.

 

I want to see the best happen to you. You might not find your next girl to admire right away, but I don't think you're going to get it out of this girl.

 

Let me know how the weekend goes.

 

 

Yvette from Sweden

[Angel1111]

That's just downright weird. I mean, who does that? Yea, I'd say it was a big tell-tale sign. It says a whole lot about her and none of it is good.

[Yvette_Sveden]

Oh, update. I sent out a mass email, asking if people wanted to see a play this weekend. She replied that she would be interested in seeing it (with me). I don't want to read too much into this, but it's definitely a good sign. No, it's not 1 on 1, but so far, it's just me, her and a guy friend she's never met before. Probably be a few more by Friday. Still, it's good that she still wants to hang out together.

 

So, how did it go?

[Teknoe]

So, how did it go?

 

 

You actually checked in... I'm humbled and honored, lol.

 

Well, no shocker, she ended up cancelling the night before. I texted her to ask if she was still coming, and that so far, it was just me, her and another guy. She said she had to be somewhere sunday by 4, and the play would conflict with that.

 

Yvette, I decided today no more. I'm going to let go of her completely. I won't initiate emails with her any more. I won't text her any more. If she contacts me, I'll respond in kind. But... I'm at the point where it's quite clear, she just doesn't see me that way. And the best way to get over her is to move on.

[Yvette_Sveden]

You actually checked in... I'm humbled and honored, lol.

 

Aww, how sweet! =)

 

 

You know, I thought that she would show up and not let you make any advancements towards her or that she was going to end up kissing the other guy. I never thought she would cancel on you the last second. I don't know why that never crossed my mind.

 

I don't buy her excuse as to why she canceled. But even if her excuse is true, you should cut all ties with her. Because there has never been a time where she has given you the green light to pursue her. If I were interested in you, I would not cancel on you and hope that when I see you that I hope to have an opportunity to interact with you more and send you some subtle, but clear, signs that I want you to get closer to me and be in a world of our own.

 

So, like I said, that better be the end of her. You should never contact her again and never ask her out again.

 

Yes, that's harsh. But think about the bad things that one, minor, annoying act says about her. Number one, she's irresponsible. She doesn't do what she says she's going to do. Number two, she has total disregard and no respect for your time in your life. Why would you want to associate with someone who treats you that way?

 

You're much better off pursuing other interests and other women than to waste your time and emotions on someone who doesn't show you that she feels the same way.

 

Once again, she was letting you down very gently. If you keep pursuing her, she might not be so gentle if she tells you that she's not interested.

 

You should use these guidelines for future interactions with women. Unless she comes up with a very compelling excuse, perhaps you should let her slide. But in this case, this was not the first time that something told you that she's not interested in that way.

 

Perhaps you should get a nice, sweet girl from Sveden (that's how Swedish girls pronounce Sweden in English).

 

Ja!

[Teknoe]

Perhaps you should get a nice, sweet girl from Sveden (that's how Swedish girls pronounce Sweden in English).

 

Ja!

 

 

LOL.

 

Well, tonight I'll see her at a dinner function. 1st time in almost 2 months. I feel fine now. No regrets. I think I'm 90-95% healed and have moved on. Will update though.

[Yvette_Sveden]

How is it that you're meeting up with her? Is all of this part of your job or some get together organized by your school,? That's if you don't mind me asking. If you feel the need to not answer that question, then that's fine.

 

I wonder how she feels knowing you're going to be there with her?

[Teknoe]

It was a mutual dinner function. I'll leave it at that. So, we sat at the same table and we sat next to each other. I could see and sense her discomfort around me. However, mid-way through the evening she relaxed and we had a few "normal decent" exchanges. But yeah, I can see she totally doesn't see me THAT way, and is probably worried I might still dig her.

 

For example, when we first saw each other (and yes, she knew I would be there), her cheeks got all red. Every time we talked and she made eye contact, I could see the red in her cheeks. I don't think it was an embarrassed type of blushing... more of a guilty/uncertain blushing. I mean, this is the first time we've seen each other in 2 months. She's been ghosting me for the most part.

 

Eh. I am definitely over her. I have no more hopes or expectations with her. I'm sad I lost a once good friend, but it's just a lesson I had to learn. And for the first time in a long time, I'm content being single. I don't want to look at girls as potentials right now, I just want to be single and free

[Teknoe]

I am definitely over her. I have no more hopes or expectations with her. I'm sad I lost a once good friend, but it's just a lesson I had to learn.

 

 

Huh... life is weird.

 

the other night she initiated a chat with me... first time she's done that post-confession. we ended up chatting for a really long time. i mentioned to her i'm happy being single, and no longer desiring a relationship at current moment. we just had a really nice chat, and she emailed me last night with some more positive vibes. I guess we're still pretty good friends, all things considered. am I hoping she comes around? still no, but if she does, big IF, I'll need some time to think it over. At this point though I still maintain NO expectations and am perfectly content with just a solid friendship.

 

I did make a speech at the dinner function that was well received, and I didn't treat her "special" or anything to indicate I still like her THAT way at the dinner function. maybe she was relieved and realized that yes, i have moved on? and thus, i'm at a stable emotional place where she can re-initiate contact with me with little fear that i may fall for her all over again? or maybe my speech to the entire restaurant impressed her and made her see me in a slightly different light? who knows. girls are complex, lol.

 

All I know is.... her friendship is nice, but I'm not putting it or her on a pedestal any more... and another thing, I have no hopes or expectations. whatever will be shall be, is now my attitude

[Template]

Wow. I wish I got this bit of advice before I got with my ex (yep EX). Everything you are relaying resonates so closely to what I went through, I'd almost think we would be talking about the same person.

 

I went through almost exactly the same thing except it was my birthday. She KNEW it was my birthday, yet she never made an effort to call, or email, or even send an e-card (which I've personally seen her do for other people's birthday). We weren't in a relationship as we were VERY LONG DISTANCE apart, though "we" supposedly had strong feelings towards each other. Long story short, she NEVER wished me a happy birthday, and come to find out, that evening she went on a date with someone else (yet claimed it was a business dinner). She even went on to blaming me for being a dick when I spoke to her that night, and I was upset that she couldn't take 10 secs to just call, text, whatever, so say Happy B-day, and yet there were literally 100s of people at work, most who didn't know me, actually made it a point to wish me well wishes. Stupid me, I had her on a pedestal so high, I still pursued her, and eventually we got together, but there are reasons today she's an EX. The lesson - there were signs, and I ignored it.

 

It is my fervent hope that you do better than me, and really take notice that this is a bad sign. Love makes us do STUPID things, however, I can you aren't feeling right about this. Go with that feeling. This woman isn't from North Carolina is she???