Why Not Separate????????????????

[wheelwright]

When I was unhappily M, I tried to speak of it, but wasn't being heard. If one partner is happy in a M, oftentimes they genuinely cannot comprehend that the other is not.

 

 

The above sums up my situation pre-A too. Perhaps the BS has to own up to cowardice in this scenario too? Denial? Not facing things?

 

However, there has certainly been a lot of cowardice in my behaviour, and I do own up to it as the fWS.

 

Chiefly, I did not express the fact that I had developed feelings for someone else. I felt guilty about this, and I felt that the fact this had happened meant I should be divorcing anyway. Why hurt my H with this news?

 

So I thought I should check out what these feelings meant before I cause the final disruption to my family. And I had an A.

 

And no more that 4 weeks into the A, I told H I wanted to separate. I felt great. I would have told H about the A at this point, but this would have meant DDay for MOM too, so didn't. I don't think this was cowardice. I guess the point of greatest cowardice was not facing up to my feelings with my H pre-A.

 

Then my mother, who had been a single parent, gave me a big serious chat about the practicalities of all that going ahead with separation would mean. Including such horrors as dating rubbish guys and so on. That my children were still small etc.

 

And I became a coward again. And remained in some form of indecision until the A ended 6 months later.

 

For me, I felt that my feelings for xMOM were so strong and previously unknown to me, that this was a source of strength. When his behaviour became erratic, I felt I couldn't trust myself to make decisions (I would not be cowardly about making the wrong decision for myself, but with the kids, this uncertainty seemed to demand lack of action). This is a form of cowardice I guess.

 

I saw a lovely film the other night 'Flashbacks of a Fool'. The main character's epiphany is 'Sometimes courage means staying still'. There is a particular point in the film where he really should have chosen not to do something. I think this is what we mean when we say As are cowardly.

 

Some people (like Spark) seem to know that without hindsight. Some of us get confused by contradictions in ourselves.

 

I think it would be interesting to ask: why do good people get so confused sometimes that they act without the proper and necessary courage for the situation?

 

My confusion I think went very deep because of personal history. And it centred on not knowing where my courage should lie: in staying still or moving on. And this went so deep that some element of my subconscious took my feelings beyond what I could cope with in my M, and I fell in love with xMOM. I was forced to deal with my confusion, and the history it is based on. And on all my weakness and cowardice too.

 

In some way my A, because it involved me trusting my feelings of love and because of the depth of these feelings, has been very important for me. This is more than just as a source of pain, though that has been part of it.

 

Anyway, since DDay, I have been honest with my H about everything. Feelings, uncertainty, M doubts. I am no longer cowardly about telling him the truth. It is still not sure whether we will stay together or not. But there is a deep understanding and connection between us now. Far more so that pre-A. The pain of it all opened us both right up.

 

Perhaps this could have happened without the pain of the A if I had been straight about these wayward feelings pre-A. I don't know.

 

My H, along with many BSs on these threads, says it is the betrayal that hurts so much. This may be true. But I can't help thinking that the feelings for another are a big part of that feeling of betrayal - it's just you can't really blame the WS for that if they talk to you about it instead of acting on it.

 

Anyway, that's what I would do if I found myself in that situation again. I would talk or walk. I wouldn't test the water.

[Spark1111]

These answers have all been very insightful, so thank you.

 

I did not realize that separation is so often seen as a means to an ending (divorce), and I thought it could be productive. I guess if it is done right, with proper controls in place and agreed to by both parties, it could be.

 

In addition to the pain of betrayal, I resent the element of control in an affair. The WS controls the info or lack thereof, leaving a BS wondering what the hell is happening here?

 

So, so, cruel.

 

Also, what is good for the gander is never good enough for the goose, right?

 

It would be a rare day in hell for many a CS to say, "Go on honey. Go find someone who rocks your world while I have my affair." Almost laughable to imagine.

 

They may daydream of that scenario, envisioning the spouse finding "someone" so they can be guilt-free to continue the affair, but they rarely to never take concrete steps to actually institute that.

 

And you know what? If someone "dates" someone during an agreed to separation....there is little stigma to that compared to the stigma of an affair.

 

If the couple reconciles, most people would say, "well, they were separated at the time."

 

If they don't, it's "Well, he/she met during the separation."

 

So, I still believe it is more honest than an affair. Not less difficult (an affair is), but definitely more honest.

[carhill]

TBH, when in the midst, I felt like a person drowning and really didn't look around to see if my flailings would be taken as socially appropriate and acceptable. My prerogative was to live and survive. However, that's indicative of my psychology. Someone with a more measured and pragmatic psychology might see a clear path to combining their needs with what is socially acceptable and appropriate. I can see that path now. Back then, it was the essentials, like air in the lungs and blood flowing. Fight or flight. One datapoint

[BB07]

My view of separation is it's a means to an end (divorce). Of course both people should have discussed it enough to know if they both view it that way or not.

 

Way back when my ex and I separated, (his decision and he blindsided me), even though it wasn't what I wanted, I knew that he meant it only as a formality of the time period before we could legally get divorced, so I had no choice but to accept it for what it was. A means to an end.

[blizzard]

My husband and I are poor communicators to say the least. We were seperated when I met Mr. Perfect. My husband made my life pure hell while Mr. Perfect was in it. He threatened to file under the grounds of adultery. It was awful.

In hindsight, yes we were/are still married. And it was wrong. And I will carry the scarlet letter.

It was a learning experience...not a mistake. We are still "seperated" in the sense we live seperately in our home and we are not physically intimate nor emotionally connected. But I am not treading those waters again. It's not worth it. Through LS, I have learned about letting the ink dry before moving on.

[pureinheart]

When I was unhappily M, I tried to speak of it, but wasn't being heard. If one partner is happy in a M, oftentimes they genuinely cannot comprehend that the other is not.

 

In every R, I communicated exactly where I was coming from, and was rarely heard by any of them. It's like they didn't care? Did I overly communicate my issues with the R? Was I not taken seriously?

 

After time I grew numb, and then would communicate, hey, someday I for real will be gone and that will be it. I wasn't trying to play mind games, I just knew me and how I am.

 

Sure enough that day would always come, and I was gone....the real pisser is that NOW they wanted to work on things, NOW they could see so very much, and on and on it went, BUT, I was still gone...am getting pissed again, thanks again Spark for allowing another rant:)

 

BTW, missed ya OWoman:)

[silktricks]

I'm not (personally) in favor of separation, and would not do it again. Either we stay together and work out our issues/problems or we divorce. Had we not separated (my choice) due to issues my husband's affair would almost undoubtedly never have occurred. He took our separation as a desertion on my part, rather than an opportunity to work separately on our joint issues.