My daughter is gone to live with Dad. I'm heartbroken

[BettyBoo]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

[sb129]

Oh Betty, how sad for you I am so sorry.

 

Teenagers are so self centred she probably has no idea how much this is hurting you.

 

Maybe Dad just has the novelty factor for now- once that wears off she will start to miss you.

[jj2007]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

 

Hugs to you, I know you are hurting:(

 

Both of my step-sons have lived with their father and I since they were 6 & 7 years old. They just turned 16 & 17. Towards the end of summer, the youngest wanted to go live with his mother. His father & I were hurt but, we knew that it was his choice and we told him he always had a home with us whenever he wanted. (The first couple months I cried myself to sleep every night. It was so hard not seeing his face everyday, being able to ask him how his day was, just getting to spend time with him, etc.)

Well, he has been living with his mother for almost three months now & while we were talking the other day, he said he is ready to come back home. I was SO excited! My boy is coming back home! I thought.

I can't guarantee that your Daughter will do the same but with my boy (who is now back home:D) he had never lived with his mother full time so in his case I think it was the allure of the "unknown". So, he lived with her for a lil bit and figured out what that was all about & was ready to come home. I hope this helps. Just make sure your Daughter knows that she will ALWAYS have a place in your heart & your home-no matter what.

[BettyBoo]

Thanks for those encouraging words. I am meeting my daughter today and we are spending a fun day together. It is really hard but I have taken up new hobbies to distract myself!

I hope she will come home eventually as I feel she has a lot more stability here. However I know I need to respect her wishs as she needs to feel that they are respected. I think if I give her enough space and she dosent feel pressurised she will make the best decision . Keeping my fingers crossed:)

[BentSpine]

I'm also keeping my fingers crossed, in my case that your daughter will make the best decision for her, not what is the best decision for you. It's good that you're finding hobbies as your daughter wasn't put on earth to keep you company. Good luck with the transition.

[desertIslandCactus]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

 

 

I agree with this. Letting her go. Children have need for both parents. I believe as she sees your independence and enhancement of your life (your hobbies) .. that she won't feel so bound.. Let her find her own way.

 

You and her father can share her quite successfully, and I think she will return, in the spirit.

 

With my grandson, his father and mother both have certain attributes that provide his life's needs .. He can only stand so many days without one or the other ..

[Trimmer]

I agree with this. Letting her go. Children have need for both parents. I believe as she sees your independence and enhancement of your life (your hobbies) .. that she won't feel so bound.. Let her find her own way.

 

You and her father can share her quite successfully, and I think she will return, in the spirit.

 

With my grandson, his father and mother both have certain attributes that provide his life's needs .. He can only stand so many days without one or the other ..

 

That's how it is with our kids. They need us both, although those needs shift a little bit back and forth as time goes on. Recently, I feel like my daughter has been particularly close to me, which of course makes me feel really good, but then one day she looked me in the eye and said that she missed her mom, and couldn't wait to get back to her. For a instant this was a little sad, but very quickly, I felt really good about it, because I know that what she needs is to maintain and be confident in strong connections to each of us, and I'm really glad, both that she has those connections, and that she is comfortable enough just to say it when she needs it - she doesn't have to worry about protecting my feelings. All this is absolutely positive for her.

 

So I look at such situations like it's an important thing for them to reach out for the connections that they need at a given time, and not like it's a statement against me, or that they are running away from me, or anything like that. I think that supporting that (as the OP is doing) is a great accomplishment as a parent, even as I empathize completely the feeling of missing them.

 

Trust that your individual parent/child relationship is unique and separate from what she needs to do right now. Continue to be there for her (as I'm sure you will) and she will be especially lucky, knowing that her relationships with both parents are safe. She knows you are her mom. She still needs you to be her mom. That won't change.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Trimmer

[turnera]

She'll come around eventually. You need to be solid, logical, loving, and nonjudgmental. Invite her to tell you anything and NEVER EVER judge what she says or does. Meaning, you can be upset if she does something wrong, but be upset at the ACT, not at HER. Got it? And talk, talk, talk.

 

One thing my DD20 always loved is that we went on walks. Lots and lots of walks. It's easier to talk about touchy things when you aren't facing each other, less confrontational. She really looked forward to those walks (still does) so she could talk out all her issues. BE that person for her.

[FanFan]

Thanks for those encouraging words. I am meeting my daughter today and we are spending a fun day together. It is really hard but I have taken up new hobbies to distract myself!

I hope she will come home eventually as I feel she has a lot more stability here. However I know I need to respect her wishs as she needs to feel that they are respected. I think if I give her enough space and she dosent feel pressurised she will make the best decision . Keeping my fingers crossed:)

 

Why is she choosing to live with him? Do you have a boyfriend she doesn't like? Is her dad more fun or is the room better and bigger over there?

 

Get the court involved if she's 6, not 16. In less than 2 years, she will be an adult.

 

Why did you two divorce?

[always_searching]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

 

God, this really breaks my heart.

 

I did the same thing to my mom that your daughter has done to you, only I was 12. I decided to live with my dad, which was a huge mistake on my part--he was an abusive (recovering) alcoholic, which one doesn't necessarily discover by spending every other weekend with the person. I lived with him for two years, refusing to see my mom during that time, because I was not particularly close to my mom at that time, and, yet, I was also ashamed of having just left her to live with my dad in the manner that I did.

 

My mom had a nervous breakdown. I also suffered mentally while I was living with him, and had what I believe was a nervous breakdown as well. Suffice it to say that I barely remember the two years I spent there (thank God), but what I do remember was pretty horrid for the most part. I've thought of suicide nearly every day since I was 12 years old (I'm 25 now), and I believe a great deal of that was caused by my decision.

 

Okay, hopefully, that is not the case with your daughter. I'm not my mother, so I can't give you advice on that front, but I can tell you that your daughter will feel differently when she's older--shoot, she may feel differently next month. Living with your other parent can seem fun and exciting, but that wears off, and they find that whatever they thought they were leaving/running away from regarding the parent they were living with (for me it was my mom's being so strict that I was attempting to run from) is not so bad as what they enter into by living with the other parent (for me it was a physically abusive and emotionally absent father, and a mentally, emotionally, and somewhat sexually abusive step-mother).

 

The grass may look greener, but once you get over to the other side, you notice that it's not quite as green as you thought.

 

I think your daughter will eventually appreciate you. I can tell you, after two years of living with my dad and step-mother, my mom looked pretty good, despite what problems she may have.

 

We're best friends now; though, I wouldn't want to live with her again.

 

Edited October 30, 2010 by always_searching

[FanFan]

(for me it was a physically abusive and emotionally absent father, and a mentally, emotionally, and somewhat sexually abusive step-mother).

 

 

 

Your step-mother sexually abused you?

 

Did you tell your dad and your mom?

[always_searching]

Your step-mother sexually abused you?

 

Did you tell your dad and your mom?

 

Well, it wasn't explicit. I'll give you a few examples: she would walk around the house naked and tell me I should too (with my father present); she encouraged masturbation; there are other things, but that should give you some idea. She was a real piece of work, and my dad knew. Like I said, he was emotionally absent, so he didn't really care unless I was causing too much of a ruckus, and he would resort to physical assaults.

 

I was too ashamed to tell my mom until I was MUCH older. She was shocked and hurt, of course, but by then there was not much she could do--I was much older and they had been out of my life for a number of years.

 

Oh, and of course, when I expressed disgust at these things to my step-mother, she would tell me the problem was with me--that I was a sexually repressed prude and she was "helping me."

 

And I was twelve...

 

God, I am not one to resort to physical violence, but, if I saw that woman, I would probably cause her great physical harm. So, it's a good thing she is no where near me. Just thinking about her makes me want to hit something.

Edited October 31, 2010 by always_searching

[pureinheart]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

 

BB...I went through this two times with my daughter before she was 18....and she has moved back home now at 26 with my 3 grandkids and almost moved out again (before it's time which I'll spare you the rather long story)

 

1st time: my ex-sister in law had been talking to my daughter and had over time told her that I was horrible...basically brainwashing her. Her two kids had gone to live with their dad because they couldn't handle her...she was trying to steel my kid systematically.

 

The day came that my daughter asked to "visit" her aunt and I thought something was up, but let her go (it was several states away). After a couple of weeks she wanted to live with them...I said fine and got her docs together and sent them.

 

Me and my now exH were making a tour around the US and was going to stop by to see her....well she wanted to come home. I then heard the whole story of what had been going down...they were psycho freaks trying to turn her against me...I mean even to the end...we were 1 day late getting there (an over 2000 mi drive) and they told her if I really cared about her I would have been on time...we had a flat tire in BFE...sooooo...people suck, I swear!

 

2nd time: Right before her 18th B-day she had a real cocky attitude and I called her on it and so she moved out with her BF...that one she really came home with her tail between her legs 1 mo later.

 

If you make her stay it will reinforce her rebellion...both kids have moved out a lot but they ALWAYS come back.

 

I would say to act like you don't care.

 

You got my prayers because I know exactly how you feel.

[pureinheart]

I agree with this. Letting her go. Children have need for both parents. I believe as she sees your independence and enhancement of your life (your hobbies) .. that she won't feel so bound.. Let her find her own way.

 

You and her father can share her quite successfully, and I think she will return, in the spirit.

 

With my grandson, his father and mother both have certain attributes that provide his life's needs .. He can only stand so many days without one or the other ..

 

Yep, totally agree with this...

[pureinheart]

Well, it wasn't explicit. I'll give you a few examples: she would walk around the house naked and tell me I should too (with my father present); she encouraged masturbation; there are other things, but that should give you some idea. She was a real piece of work, and my dad knew. Like I said, he was emotionally absent, so he didn't really care unless I was causing too much of a ruckus, and he would resort to physical assaults.

 

I was too ashamed to tell my mom until I was MUCH older. She was shocked and hurt, of course, but by then there was not much she could do--I was much older and they had been out of my life for a number of years.

 

Oh, and of course, when I expressed disgust at these things to my step-mother, she would tell me the problem was with me--that I was a sexually repressed prude and she was "helping me."

 

And I was twelve...

 

God, I am not one to resort to physical violence, but, if I saw that woman, I would probably cause her great physical harm. So, it's a good thing she is no where near me. Just thinking about her makes me want to hit something.

 

Always((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))), I am so sorry...your story is extremely moving....so moving that if I saw her I'd get physical for you:mad:...that is sick.

[BettyBoo]

Thanks for sharing all of your stories . I am keeping my eye on things with my daughter and we have spent some lovely times together since she moved out. I am delighted with her sense of independence and that she feels she could be honest and state what she wanted to do. I just keep telling her I love & miss her and that she always has a home here. Once she is happy that is all that counts really.

After reading 'always searching' post I felt a bit panciked . What a horrible experience and I my heart goes out to you. Big Hugs to you

[fooled once]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

 

I am a biomom divorced from my ex and have stepkids.

 

What always amazes me is the back and forth these kids 'expect'.

 

My son never brought up living with his father and had he, I never would have allowed it. Kids have to learn to deal with situations instead of running from them.

 

If you and your ex had stayed together, where would she have "run" to?

 

I am not saying what you did was wrong, but why do these kids think they get to decide where to live?

 

I am sure as soon as dad does something she doesn't like, she will be back.

 

For now, enjoy your time with her!

[BettyBoo]

I take your point. However if a 16 year old wishs to live with the other parent I do not think it is a good idea to turn it into a battle which I think would have happened had I said NO.

 

If parents split up there is always fall out and this situation arises as a result. Its tough but par for the course I think.

Its great for you that your son did not ask to live with his father and you never had this situation. Every child is different

[Crazy Magnet]

I am a biomom divorced from my ex and have stepkids.

 

What always amazes me is the back and forth these kids 'expect'.

 

My son never brought up living with his father and had he, I never would have allowed it. Kids have to learn to deal with situations instead of running from them.

 

If you and your ex had stayed together, where would she have "run" to?

 

I am not saying what you did was wrong, but why do these kids think they get to decide where to live?

 

I am sure as soon as dad does something she doesn't like, she will be back.

 

For now, enjoy your time with her!

 

 

Wow. What an insanely selfish thing to do. Your child has the rights to BOTH of their parents. Just because you can't handle that don't punish your children.

 

My own parents had enough selfish bickering over where I spent every waking second that I absolutely hate it when parents do this to their kids. Kids are people too, with feelings and emotions and individuals needs. Get over yourself and put your kid first.

 

Rant over.

 

 

BettyBoo--((HUGS)) I know it hurts! She will learn a lot about herself through this change. This is just one more step in her growing up and trying on "adult" life. I think it's great that you have let her know that she will always have a home with you. I think it's so much better for kids to see that parents are willing to share them than to keep fighting over where they are. You couldn't have had a more perfect response in my book. She will appreciate that as times goes on.

[turnera]

I think the point fooled was making is that it doesn't necessarily do your child a favor to let him think he has just as much right to make such important decisions as an adult does. Kids today already have enough trouble with thinking they have equal (or greater) rights than other people - look at the issues they're having in workplaces; and I think the major reason for that is them not being raised to understand and respect authority.

 

I never let my daughter even consider that she could quit school, for instance. Letting her think she had the right to make that decision, as a minor, does nothing toward helping her grow into a confident, self-assured young adult. It only confuses them and stresses them. Let them know that you'll be making their major decisions for them til they are 18 (barring an abusive situation); THEN they are free to do whatever they want.

[pureinheart]

Most of the "authority" I have seen in my day does not deserve respect, most people do not know how to handle power and abuse it...nothing but a bunch of control freaks IMO.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My daughter who is 16 has decided to go to live with her Dad. The custody order is that she stay with me and visit her Dad every other weekend. However she has decided she would like to live with her Dad for a while. Since she has moved out she does not seem to want to spend time here at all. She visits and then says she does not want to spend the night. I know I could try to enforce the court order but that would be futile. She is 16 and her wishs are important. I miss her so much and cry myself to sleep at night. I am sure there are other mums who may have lived through this. I would love to hear from you.

My hope is that my letting her go she will return eventually.

 

 

 

Of course I wish we could have an independent review of your relationship with your daughter and of your environment.

 

Short of having such a luxury, I just stopped in here to suggest that your strength in letting her go like that is very likely to net just the result you want. Upon her return she will bring new and useful perspective as to the relationship you and she share.

 

A mom truly missing a 16yo daughter who has only recently gone to live with her father is a very promising sign from the perspective of everybody.

[turnera]

Most of the "authority" I have seen in my day does not deserve respect, most people do not know how to handle power and abuse it...nothing but a bunch of control freaks IMO.

Then I feel sad for you. Respect is there, if you look for it. Honor is there. As is morality. But I guess it's easier just to say it's all lacking, so you have no reason to adhere to it yourself.

[pureinheart]

Then I feel sad for you. Respect is there, if you look for it. Honor is there. As is morality. But I guess it's easier just to say it's all lacking, so you have no reason to adhere to it yourself.

 

I feel sad for you also. If an authority figure knows how to handle power, then respect is a given, if not, then it is not deserved. You completely took out of context what I said, although I find this quite normal on LS.

[turnera]

I was referring to your belief that 'most' people in power do not deserve it. How do you quantify that?