I need advice please....

[vivid]

I'm considering doing something I NEVER thought I would do. This post might be a little long but please bear with me I need advice.

 

I was married and had a child by age 19. I stayed for 10 years in an unhappy marriage to a controlling, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive man (to me not the children). Over the coarse of the marriage I gave birth to four beautiful boys. My children are my life and I love them with all my heart. I quit college and got into some pretty big financial hardships with my husband (student loans, credit cards).

 

Two and a half years ago I fell in love with the cook at a restaurant I was working at. I used this relationship as motivation to get out of my unhappy marriage. As much as I wanted it to work with this new man I just this week resolved that it never will. This man bonded and fell in love with my children and them with him. He was everything the ex wasn't with them. He was patient and interested and I genuinely loved sharing my kids with him.

 

Meanwhile my ex found himself a sugar mama and has pursued his Dream of becoming a rock star. He has lost all concept of how much work it takes to care for four boys. He sees them every other weekend and pays his 800 dollars a month child support. In the last 2.5 years he has never had them for more than 3 nights in a row.

 

I have been struggling to work days as a bartender and care for my children at night. It is a full time , round the clock, never ending job. I appreciated my boyfriend so much for the endless help he gave me with them however his significant Drug problem proved to be too much for me to accept. My ex calls me and criticises me for all of my decisions neglecting to acknowledge the fact that I have been caring for and raising these boys without his concern for the last few years. I know that is of no consequence because I am aware of who is the one reading bedtime stories, making Dr/dentist appointments and doing what needs to be done.

 

The thing is I feel so extremely trapped. I have this massive responsibility and few if any options for improving my life. I live in a very small town with no job opportunity. The task of just caring for the boys is a monumental one in and of itself. I have absolutely no social life and no real opportunity to meet new people. I think this fact has had a lot to do with why I keep trying to reconcile with my b/f .

 

For the first time I have considered letting the boys go live with their dad. My oldest (13) wants to stay with me and my youngest I feel is too little (3) but my six and eight year olds expressed interest in living with him. I just feel that it would be easier for me to make some adjustments if I split the responsibility with the other parent. It would be different if he were more supportive but he isn't. He made it to one of our sons football games and none of his basketball games. He puts in his two weekends a month and that is the extent of it. His priorities are his band and keeping his money supply happy.

 

I am so torn. I have always felt it would be wrong to break the children up like that but I know that I can not go on the way things are.

[Darkangelism]

Will he be a good father?

[Arabess]

If this will help....my 14 year old daughter, after NOT seeing her dead beat Dad for 7 years, did everything in her power to force me to let her live with him. It was EXCRUCIATING for me. I posted about in on LS back in January.

 

If anyone judges you, remember this, no one is walking in your shoes BUT YOU! No decision you may make is out of non-love for your children. Every day...all you do....is do the best you can for them. And sometimes....those people with two parent families and a healthy income....just don't GET IT!

 

The other side of the coin is....that once they live elsewhere...there heart is more torn. My daughter told me this when she visited this weekend. Now, she isn't even sure where HOME is....she just misses living HERE. It's toooo damn confusing! I feel like our family is a really sad sitcom sometimes. It breaks my heart.

 

All you can do Vivid, is what you can do. Whatever it takes to survive. If you need help in raising the boys, well, you need help. If society doesn't understand...BUMP 'EM!

 

People seem to forget the plight of the single Mom. Just the pressure alone of making all the decisions can drive you nuts. HAHA!

 

Hang in there....make the decisions you have to.....and know in the end...your kids will understand and love you for who you are.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Arabess

[vivid]

I think that has been what has kept me going for so long. The fact that I and I alone have been thier sole source of stability. It's just that sometimes I am so emotionally frazzled and overwhelmed I don't know if I truly am giving them all that they need. Thier father is comletely clueless to this concept obviously.

 

Will he be a good father? Well, when he lived here he did go through the motions of being a parent. He changed diapers and did all the not so fun stuff entailed in child rearing. I know that he loves them he has gotten used to his new lifestyle in which the children don't fit.

[sami]

Is there any possibility of keeping your kids together while their father shares with you the financial burden of raising them?. Try to work it out with him for his own children's sake. You will be missing them so much as they will miss you and their two other brothers as well. If there is no way at all other than splitting them then they must first understand that it not your fault. You need to talk it out with them first before you send them. Don't be harsh on their father. You don't need your kids to hate the man they are going to live with. Wish you and your kids the best always. Finally, do you really trust him to raise your children the way you want?

[vivid]

Oh don't misunderstand, I would never ever MAKE them go. This is the first time I have given them an open ended choice.. and the middle one's both expressed interest. Actually my 8 yo has brought it up in the past and I didn't even consider the posssibility. My six yo already changed his mind already but the other one is sure he wants to go live with his father.

[sami]

I'm glad you said that. It is a big relief.

[colm]

truth is, you sound very bitter towards the ex. sounds to me you still have feelings for him but don't have things the way you want. that's ok, don't get me wrong...i just think that it'll never be a 'healthy' relationship...ever. as for the bf, drugs are involved? i would steer clear there too. sorry, but the kids are the most important thing here, right up there with you.

 

perhaps talk to your doctor. he/she may be able to suggest something. do you have a lawyer? if so, talk to him/her before giving your kids away. you never know what will come back to haunt you in court a year or two down the road.

 

as for you meeting someone, well, i'm afraid this may have to wait. not that it won't happen. you may accidentally find someone soon. but LOOKING may have to wait.

 

question: does the bf want to get back with you? if so, is he willing to give up the drugs for you and the kids?

just curious.

 

colm

[brashgal]

I have two sons with a twelve year age difference. I raised the older one for several years as a single parent, reconciled with my ex and divorced again last year. The ex got a little more involved from Jr High on but worked long hours and often weekends. The younger one is now 7 and I feel guilt that he has to experience what his older brother did. There were times in the single years when I thought I'd go crazy working full time with little time for myself. I can only imagine what it would be like with four. My hat is off to you.

 

My older son has no desire to live with his Dad, he tells me that I was always there for him and feels his Dad abandoned him. I've asked the 7yo if he'd like to live with his Dad and he says he just likes to visit. I can imagine the day will come when he might want to move in with him, I try to prepare myself for that. His Dad's girlfriend has recently been paying extra attention to him and involving him in all her family activities with her kids which has been seductive.

 

I think it could work if you and your ex sat down and put some rules in place. First of all, if the kids are miserable they won't be persecuted if they want to move back in with you. Second, you may want them more often than every other weekend - you'd need to work out a schedule that works for you. Your ex really has to want to do this too - you'd need to make sure of that.

 

You do have to consider what the absence of the two will be like for the other two. I imagine you'd have to do a bit of talking together as a family to give them a more accurate picture of what it would be like. My older son went away to college this year and I don't think I adequately prepared my younger son for that, he had some serious separation anxienty for the first month or so.

 

This is definitely not a snap decision. You may want to talk it out with a counsellor to examine all sides of the issue. Good luck in your decision.

[vivid]

Sorry colm, no feelings for the ex other than wonderment over how he can merrily go about his life without being involved with his kids. I was 17 when I met him and made decisions based on immaturity and little life experience. Even though the fantasy of having a reconciled family is nice, I know I would never want to share myself personaly with my ex again. As far as the bf and his drugs, I have tried to help him in that arena. A person has to want to stop, then and only then can they start to turn their life around.

 

Thank you all for the advice. I know for sure it's not a snap decision and realisitcly when I look at it I can't see myself letting it happen. But at some point it's a very good possibility. It's not my right to keep them from him if that is what they want. He is after all thier other parent and they love him just as much as they do me. It is an all around unfair deal for children of divorce. But unfortunatelly life doesn't always go as we plan

[carla]

Vivid I can try to give you some insight from the other side. My fiance has 2 children and has mentioned to them about coming to live with us (things aren't great at home) We would love for them to come live with us. We realise that it would be quite a change of pace. I would even consider changing jobs so that

schdules wouldn't confict and I can drive them to school so they wouldn't have to change schools and friends. We even suggested 1 week with us and 1 week with their mother with no pressure on their dicision on what they deside. We think that they feel obligated to stay with their mother in fear that she will be alone or need them.

 

Maybe the 1 week on and off thing would work for you this way you get a break and you are still keeping your children together. Tell your children that what ever they deside or if they change their mind after, neither your feelings or their fathers feeling will be hurt.

 

As for getting out and having a social life check and see if their are any organizations for single parents in your area. Years ago their was one here that was great parents got to socialize amonst themselves and the kids had other kids to play with and do fun activities.

[vivid]

THANK YOU Carla, see that is the kind of relationship I would LOVE to have with my ex. Someone who's concern for the well being of the CHILDREN are priority number one. I see so many people putting their differences aside and doing what is ultimately in the best interest of the kids and I admire that so much. Pat yourself on the back for being a caring step parent.

[colm]

Probably a good call on the ex and you’re right about getting over the drugs. He has to be ready to really give it a go.

 

Don’t think of it as a possibility. If you do that, you’re actually thinking that it’s possible not to come up with a solution to your predicament. ‘it is your right to keep them from him if you don’t think it’s good. Sure, there are legal things and I’m not saying for a second that they shouldn’t see their dad. But if he’s not going to give them the attention they deserve then they’re better with you.

 

You’re right, planning doesn’t always work.