Can a marriage survive 1 year seperation? This is a long one

[Feeling Horrible]

I have been married for 4.5 years and we have been together 10years. With in the first year of marriage I found emails that suggested my husband was cheating on me for 3 years! When confronted he said it was "just talk" and didnt know why he was emailing this women. My husband is not one for affection but in these emails he was affectionate with this women calling her beautiful and things like that. With in 3 weeks of finding these emails my husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He had his kidney removed Cancer Free! With in the time he was out of work I found out I was pregnant his first words out of his mouth " I dont want it". I wound up having a miscarriage and when I went for the d & c my husband basically hid in the house from me for 3 days went away fishing for the weekend. He comes home and says " I didn't handle that well I am so sorry"

I believe it was at that point in time that I completely detached myself from his family and friends. About a little over a year ago one of our "friends" one of my husbands "best friends" started to come on to me. At first it was harmless flirting. This "friend" kept my mind off of me dealing with my marital issues.

Last October I left my husband and moved to an apartment with the pushing of this "friend". The "friend" and I started dating (big shock) This "friend" started telling me all of these horrible things about my husband (cheating, drinking , drugs). And yes everyone I fell for it hook line and sinker! My husband did eventually find out I was dating this guy and still at that point wanted to work things out. I didn't because I had heard all of these things about him and with the emails and the way he treated me during my misscarriage I didn't even entertain the idea. Well 4 weeks ago my husband leaves a "do it yourself" divorce paper work on my porch. It was at that moment I woke up! What did I do? Who am I? Did this so called "friend" screwed me over and lie? Needless to say my husband did not sign the paper work and only asked me once if I had signed it yet or not. I cant even look at it let alone sign it!

Is it just my fear of what is going to happen or is it because I truly love my husband? This is the question I have been asking myself these days. My husband and I are supposed to go and meet somewhere tomorrow to chat...my question can a marriage survive all of this? I feel horrible I actually do miss and love my husband.

[BB07]

Just removing "your friend" from the scenario your husband sure sounds like "he is no prize" and I gotta ask why you would consider staying with a man who cheating on you for at least 3 years out of the 4 that you were married? Oh and the way he behaved when you were pregnant and lost the baby......doesn't that turn your stomach? So why would you want and miss a man like that? You didn't mention any redeeming qualities.

 

As for "your friend", how do you know he was lying to you about your husband?

[Feeling Horrible]

The actions by my husband where so unlike him. He actually is a very kind person and great dad . He was married prior to me and has 2 children his first wife cheated on him with one of his friends also. So I dont know why or if he actually did these horrible things that my "friend" said he did. I did see the emails between him and this other woman. Like I said he says it was "all talk" and nothing happened. I don't know if him being sick with cancer when I got pregnant is what made him have that reaction. Does not give him an excuse for how he behaved and I know that. Over the last year has said he wants to have a child with me and make this work. But who knows if that was just him being afraid. And again my "friend" was clouding my judgement and doing everything in his power to keep me away from my husband. I have a 13 year old whos father is not active in her life and my husband took on that role of dad for her. Even through out this mess over the last year he still has continued to be a part of my daughters life. My husband and I are supposed to meet tomorrow and see eachother for the first time since July. I don't know if this is me being afraid of the unknown. I admit I am truly terrified to be on my own again and to admit that I have failed at my marriage. I have a great job and can afford to be on my own like I have this last year so it has nothing to do with the financial aspect of it. I have seen other couples get through this kind of thing and I just don't want to sign those papers and have the "what ifs"

[blizzard]

My xMM told his wife the same thing. That we were online friends for a year and half. That we only met for lunch on a few occasions. He failed to mention we were in a full blown EA/PA...that he had told me that he loved me. He was even telling me that they were getting a divorce. So, please be careful of this. Three years is a long time to be just chatting buddies.

 

When my husband and I seperated (before my affair)...and eventually decided divorce I went through so many emotions or "phases." And what you are experiencing was one of them. I still feel it sometimes because we haven't gone through the divorce process yet. It's the fear of the unknown. I especially feel this when he's angry at me...telling me to leave...telling me that I am devasting everyone's life. It is manipulation. And it scares you. And backs you into a corner. Think about it. He gives you papers to set you free...into the abyss...it's uncomfortable. You want your comfort zone. He's not fighting you. So you can't conjure up an angry emotion to leave. The tables are turned. Now you feel like the fate of your marriage is completely up to you. It's a heavy scary burden to bear.

 

Removing yourself from your "friend" is going to help tremendously. I am not really sure how your friend could have so much control to make you like your husband less though. And keeping you from your husband. That's odd. It think it is more deep rooted in you. More than you think.

 

Take your time in all of this. You don't have to sign papers immediately. Talk with your husband. But use this time for you. You need to find yourself...and figure out your true feelings for your husband.

[Feeling Horrible]

This so called "friend" that I began dating anytime I would talk to my husband he would say thingd to me like "how could you even talk to him after he treated you like he just met you and got you pregnant?" Again the hurt, betrayal and the anger would come rushing back to me about my husband. This "friend" would also say things like" when you were having a miscarriage he was out getting some from someone else". So again I don't know if I trust what this person would say to me because he had an other motives. (To keep me with him and not my husband). So I feel as though I wasn't given the chance to work on my marriage because he was in my ear saying things to me all the time.

I did text my husband today about meeting up tonight and he said he was on his way back from wherever he was and would text me later. I think I am afraid to have this conversation. Do I bring the divorce papers with me? He didn't sign them neither have I or do I leave them home and keep them for a later time?

There has been so much hurt, betrayal and anger on both sides that I don't think we really gave ourselves a chance to heal. Still feeling horrible about being with my husbands "friend" and I feel like what I did is worse than what he has done why is that? Why do I feel this need to sit and talk with him about all of this? Do I need to bring up the past to get on with the future?

[hopesndreams]

Sign the papers. It's dunzo.

[blizzard]

I would keep neutral ground and leave the papers at home. Don't torture yourself by carrying them.

 

Some people will tell you that having an affair is worse...but I am not. Though I was seperated at the time, I have been there. It is what it is. A marriage that was already in failure from the start. I don't condone lying but I also don't condone other vows that were also broken in my marriage. It happened. Weighing who is more at fault is useless.

 

If you want to move ahead with your marriage and reconcile then yes you must be forthcoming...open and honest about all of it.

[shayan]

take it easy why don't you guys take some time to reconcile. See what's up, what has really happened. Get counseling if nessecary. Just come clean both of you. Trust your intuition if you find he has genuine intent then give it a second try, if not be out.

 

Listen you're worried that your not sure whether your fear is driving you towards him or actual love. Well there is a simple solution for figuring this out, how does he make you feel? Take this time to gauge that. Do not rush back into anything! And don't make decisions out of fear because they never lead to anything good.

[cuore_depresso]

take it easy why don't you guys take some time to reconcile. See what's up, what has really happened. Get counseling if nessecary. Just come clean both of you. Trust your intuition if you find he has genuine intent then give it a second try, if not be out.

 

Listen you're worried that your not sure whether your fear is driving you towards him or actual love. Well there is a simple solution for figuring this out, how does he make you feel? Take this time to gauge that. Do not rush back into anything! And don't make decisions out of fear because they never lead to anything good.

 

Well said!

[imagine]

This so called "friend" that I began dating anytime I would talk to my husband he would say things to me like "how could you even talk to him after he treated you like he just met you and got you pregnant?"

 

What right has a "friend" got to direct your marriage? He shows NO respect for marriage PERIOD.

 

You need evidence. You are the adulterer without the divorce and proof.

 

This relationship shows a very cavalier relationship to your own marriage. Your friends story is a cop out to actually facing the truth. Leave your "friend" and get details.

 

If your husband is innocent, why would he come back to you?

[goingstrong]

Your husband didn't sign the divorce papers for a reason...the ball is in your court.

[Feeling Horrible]

Well my husband and I sat and talked for 6 hours last night. We both came clean on a lot of things! My husband did confess to some of the things this "friend" told me about. The "friend" seemed to have left out alot, like when these incidents took place! Before my husband and I were together! 2 out of the million things that were said to me by this "friend" were true! I confessed to my affair with the "friend" that started immediately after I left my husband.

 

My husband also told me that he just started to date someone over the last couple months because he was tired of being alone and all the back and forth we were doing over the last year. And the back and forth that I was doing with this "friend". I can say that it stung to hear but I understand.

 

I told my "friend" to not contact me in any way shape or form. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I allowed someone to manipulate me so easily. This "friend" told me some half truths to gain what he wanted. He has over the last year been texting and calling friends of my husband and telling them the things that we do or have done together so it would get back to my husband. This "friend" also added a few of his own stories to boot! This "friend" went up to my sister in law in a bar 9 months ago and told her he was sleeping with me. At that point we were not! He is a sick person apparently and needs help. Even if my husband and I do not work out I am glad that I am rid of a person who would say and do those things!

 

Then end of the conversation with my husband went like this...I told him I could not sign the divorce papers with a clear head at this time.He said he understood. My husband said to me this was a lot that we just talked about and I need some time to sort through what was said. I agreed with him it is a lot of hurt, betrayel and anger to be sorted through on both sides. I told him the way he feels right now about me was the same way I felt when I left him. I am glad that we were actually honest with each other and got it all out!

 

I don't know what will happen next I still feel horrible about the whole situation but I guess only time will tell.

[spriggig]

During your conversations focus on making "I" statements (take responsibility for whatever you are honestly responsible for) instead of "You" statements (don't be accusatory). Doing so will help keep defenses lowered and facilitate understanding.

 

Remember angry people are defensive and defensive people are thinking mostly about how they must be right rather than how they might be wrong.

 

Finally, statistically, if one of you moves out the chances of recovering this relationship go in the toilet.

 

Good luck.

[shayan]

hang in there, you're gonna be fine.