I guess it's time for me to write it down and share it

[Ignore the Machine]

Hi all, forgive me if my grammar is not perfect, english is not my primary language...

 

I stumbled into these forums a few days ago when I was searching for advice, and this is exactly what I need. I have serious trouble dealing with a break up, I don't think I'm able to handle break ups pretty well, the three times I've gone through this I somehow managed to screw it up so here I am.

 

I met this girl about a year and a half ago (a little bit more than that, summer of 2002), we started talking a lot, going out almost every day and in less than a month we realized it was worth trying out, maybe it was too fast but well, things worked great from the beggining, we clicked instantly. Time passed and she had to leave the country for a semester, it was painful because we knew it would happen long time before, it was her dream before we met but now it looked very scary, it was such a risk... I won't go into details but somehow we managed to be in touch, and when she came back everything was ok, I don't know how we made it but we were still in love. Shortly after she came back I got depressed, very badly, my dad is an alcoholic, and i i had a bad relatioship with my parents, then I had school problems and I couldn't manage it all. I just became more and more depressed as time passed. I still loved her, but my depression took over, I couldn't be there for her all the time, I was in bed almost all day long during that period. You can figure it out I guess, sometimes I wouldn't even answer the phone...

 

What did she do? She gave me her support all the time, the love she had for me was so inmense, that she swas by my side every day during this painful experience, it was almost a full year of pain... Sometimes during this period I got over the depression and tried to get myself back into the train of life, but coudn't hold for too long, I was up and down all the time, and taking her with me . She tried breaking up more than a couple of times, but she just coudn't leave me, I also thought I should break up with her during my depression, but I coudn't, didn't had the guts, I just managed to say something once, I thought I needed to be alone for a while, but she convinced me to work things out together.

 

This didn't turned out well for her, time passed and I was in bed, not willing to talk, and she started to feel very bad, she was mentally preparing for the break up, now she was doing things without me, she tried so hard to be unattached to me and one day she felt confident about her plans without me, now the only thing that she needed was a chance to break up.

 

The next ting that happened was that I got out of the bed, I got a job, I had a great woman besides me, and I was happy to be alive. Suddenly I became everything she wanted for so long. It was a shock to her, after all this time she had lost the faith, and I did notice that but wasn't so sure, so one day we talked about it, I asked why she was unhappy, I needed to know, I wanted to help, after all she was in there for me when I was so depressed, and then she explained all this, she was ready for the break up and how she was shocked about my sudden change, she didn't want to leave me, not now that I was changing, she feared that I would fall back into depression if we broke up so now she couldn't do it, she suffered for a long time and now was deeply hurt in her heart. I'm glad she told me what happened, I thought it was a good chance to fix things and we decided to stay together, I would be there for her, and I would try to make her feel better and recover the faith and love she had for me.

 

This worked out for a few days, I understood that she now wasn't so attached to me, and I have a job so whe had very little time to spend together, I visited her everytime I could. But then one day (a sunday, it was my day off), I wanted to see her but she was busy, it was getting late and I knew I woudn't be able to see her, so I talked to her, I asked why, why you don't have time for me, knowing my only day off is sunday, I was a little angry, I forced her to think about it, she was very sorry, wrote me a note about how sorry she was, she said she wasn't doing it on pourpose, she just coudn't do it, didn't feel like giving me some of her time, it was too painful to see me, to hear me talking, it was her dream some time ago but now she felt angry about it, because it took me a long time to realize that my life was worth living. Now she had a deep resentment and coudn't keep going...

 

I was in panic, I knew this was a possibility, but she calmed me down, all that she needed was some space to breathe, and we are not kids anymore, so we can work things out in a mature way, she was not like my other ex's (and yes that is true). And at that point I agreed.

 

I didn't feel very good after that, but no, I didn't went back into depression, next morning I woke up and went to work, trying my best to handle the situation. We agreed on being there for each other, to talk about how we felt, and go out once in a while... I didn't saw her until next friday, I talked to her and told her if it would be ok if I just showed up that day, she said it was ok, it didn't turned out to be a very good idea, it was incomfortable and she told me she felt that I was invading her space, so I left and thought what should I do now.

 

I cleared up my mind, and forced me into the idea that the relationship is not the most important thing right now, the important thing right now is trying to be ourselves, go out there and feel happy to do things for ourselves, me going to the job I have, she dealing with college, etc. So I let her know all this some days later, and she felt happy about it, she now didn't feared going out with me. We did next friday, we had a good time I guess, but I just felt bad, you know, basically being "just friends", at the end of the night I gave her a hug and she hugged me, so I told her that I loved her (not exactly "I love you", in spanish there is another word to say I love you that doesn't mean you "love" the person, I don't know if in english you use this phrase but it translates as "I want you"), she replied with an "I want you", and then we walked away. I felt strange, I was happy that I could see her and have a good time, but at the same time I was unhappy...

 

I need to point something out, we both talk a lot using instant messaging programs, so part of our discussions are text-only, no talking no nothing, just text, we got used to it...

 

So we continued to talk via messages every night, I always asked her how she was doing, and she asked me how I was doing, they were friendly conversations most of the time, I had a lot of laughs and she had a lot as well... I was trying to help her as much as I could, and she cared about me all the time as well, but she said I couldn't help her a lot, doesn't matter how hard I tried to make her feel better, she just felt empty. She is not happy you see, she has lost something very important, now she doesn't believe in love. For example, she doesn't enjoy dressing up and getting makeup and all that, because she wouldn't be doing that "for someone", there's no one now. Same for writing, her writing is beautiful, but has no one to write to, she's now disappointed about everything, and I can't help her, because all I do is bring back all this resentment.

 

It's hard to describe the situation, I love her, I want to help her, but can't help her, everytime I try I just hurt her, I want to support her but I bring back memories and all this resentment, she just wants to bury this resentment (or forget it) and go on, and this is where I loose control of the situation, I want to help but I end up saying things that hurt, if I want her to feel ok I have to ignore the fact that we had a past, and it's very hard to just not say a word about it and talk about everyday crap.

 

This is not where it ends, exactly yesterday we had what maybe will be our last conversation. It started out "normal", she told me about how she was angry for something really stupid, and I asked why, she shoudn't be angry for that silly thing, she told me she would usually don't care about things like that, but now she just gets angry for anything. I told her I knew it had to do with me, we continue the conversation and I lost control, I was very sorry and felt very bad as I saw she is going into depression, we discussed for a while, she was mad at me, because I told her how I was prepared to be by her side after I went out of the depression, and because I told her that she was getting into depression... I said quite a few things that made her feel bad, bring back painful memories ("I still belive love can do impossible things", "One day you will wake up just like me, and see that everything you loved went away while you were sleeping"), bringing back all the resentment...

 

If you're still with me I applaud you, I really appreciate it...

 

So conversation got very painful for both, frustration, resentment, sadness... So I told her "I woudn't bother anymore, I don't want to hurt you... So if you need anything, you have my phone number and know where you can find me, for now on I'm going to stop all this, it's just too painful for both, I have to learn how to live without you just like you did, I hope you get better and maybe I'll see you sometime." She wasn't happy about that, but she told me she woudn't stop me...

 

Basically now I think I need time and space just like her, I don't know if it was the right thing to do, I want her back but sometimes I think I should just get over it and be alone for a while. It was painful to block her in the instant messagging thing, I want to talk to her but I feel I'm doing the right thing, no comunication, if someday we get back, well it was ment to be then, but right now nope, it can't work, we can't even be friends...

 

That's how things ended, I got a call from her today, I wasn't very talkative, we just talked about how we were doing, I tried to say everything in very few words, I don't remember too well, but she told me we can still see each other and talk if I didn't bring back the past, I told her that I would prefer not to talk at all, so she said that things don't have to go this way but she can't stop me, so we said goodbye and proceed to hang up the phone. Later I get an email from her, she said that she was very sad about how things are going now. I know she's sad...

 

I don't know what to expect about all this, at least I know she's thinking now, she's sad, alone and I won't talk to her, she's maybe thinking about me I don't know... I am very confused now, I still love her and want her back, but I want her to think, I don't want to talk to her, maybe in the meantime I just get over it and that's another solution, I think not talking to her is the right thing to do...

 

So what do you think?

 

Thank you all!!

 

 

 

(I was already typing my name hehe, but I'm quite paranoic...)

[gaia]

Oh dear. This is so complicated. What comes across from your post is that you both care for each other a great deal. She stood by you for a whole year while you went through severe depression. You say at times you didn't want to go on - that is so hard for someone that loves you to hear. It's like saying "You're not enough".

 

IMO it sounds like she still has a lot of unresolved issues about this period. The fact that she refuses to discuss something so important suggests that it hurts too much. However, I don't think that you are ever going to work this one out without resolving whatever's on her mind.

 

It certainly sounds as if she may be becoming depressed now. She needs to get help. When you were depressed, she stood by you. Now she's depressed, you think you're making things worse. What I would ask you is this: when you were depressed did you always make her feel that you valued her and that what she was doing was helping you? I suspect not.

 

You of all people are in a very good position to look at this from her point of view, having recently been in exactly the same situation yourself. How would you feel if the BF you'd stood by through a year of hell walked away when you were in need? Ok, she's not communicating those needs very well right now, but it still sounds like she needs your support.

 

If I were in your position, I would not give up on this one and walk away. Now may not be the best time, because she may be too low to deal with it, but I think you would benefit from seeing a couple's counsellor when she's better, so you can iron out the difficulties arising from your episode of depression.

 

For now, stand by her. She needs you. Show her you can be strong for her too. You are going to have to do this unconditionally - ride the rough times - she did it for you.

 

I really hope this works for you. You've been through so much, you deserve to be happy. The relationship may have had too many knocks to survive, but at least you'll know you gave it your best shot. If it does survive, you will know it's strong enough to withstand most things.

 

Good luck

[gaia]

By the way, your English is absolutely fine!!

[Ignore the Machine]

Thank you gaia...

 

Your comments made me feel better and gave me an outside point of view. This place is great, if I didn't posted this I would still be very confused. My actions since the break up have been confusing, first I tried to get her back, then I tryed to be there supporting her no matter what, then I thought the best thing to do would be to just leave this for a while and wait to see if she comes back, and move on if she didn't.

 

I know I owe her at least my support while she's having trouble. She won't collapse as I did, she's very strong but my support at least would make things a little less sour. I don't want her or myself regretting all our life because of this tragic love.

 

I once told her that maybe I am now in the same position that she was, she didn't thought I was, and your comment clears my doubts. Still there are some differences, we are not officially together, I am not her BF and sh'es not my GF, there's another difference, she hasn't stopped doing things, it's hard for her to get up in the morning, she has some projects going and she is not stopping, but she tells me that she doesn't enjoy them now and she should. I was like her at the beginning, I had things going, I enjoyed doing them, suddenly I wasn't having a good time doing them, and finally dropped everything. I just want to be on time to stop the collapse.

 

I have big trouble dealing with non-verbal communication, if you hadn't pointed out that it still sounds that she needs my support I would've walked away. I am a very emotional person but I also have a very straight mind, that's why I get so confussed, my mind tells me to just let it go and my heart pushes me into her, and in the struggle I fail to read between the lines...

 

I feel strong now, I need to support her while I can, I know that if things don't work out she would at least know I tried my best to be helpful.

 

There's one more thing, I really don't know what helps her and what not, talking about the past hurts her, I know she has to deal with it, but maybe not now, I shouldn't push her that hard... I don't exactly enjoy being "just friends", but I'm the stronger person now, I should be able to deal with some pain, I feel that I owe her a lot and I'm going to do my best.

 

As you said this is worth a shot, if it survives I'm sure we'll be stronger than ever, nothing would knock us down.

 

I'll talk to her tommorrow, I don't want her to be sad. I'll post once in a while how things are going, posting here was a pretty good idea after all, I feel great as I'm writing this .

 

 

Hey thanks for your very last comment , there's one thing that I don't like about my English, I use "I" way too often, see I can't stop it!! I just feel like thare's no other way, I don't want to sound selfish or anything like that, but I can't help it... (me hopes to get over the "I" thing)

[gaia]

I'm glad you found it some help. I agree with you about leaving the issues of the past until she's feeling stronger. Just be there for her on her terms for now.

 

Please do post and let us know how things go. I'll look out for you