Really having a hard time

[Ashbash11]

Hi guys. I didn't want to post again, because I posted about this topic recently, but I'm really struggling and I don't know what to do... I moved to California about 2 1/2 months ago from Boston, MA to be with my SO.. (we did long distance for about 2 years..) As I've said before, I have no friends or family here, just him.

 

I've been trying to make friends, get involved, etc.. (joined clubs/groups, search Craigslist, all of the above..) I've had minimal luck so far. I am doing an internship 5 days/week, which occupies the majority of my time. Now for my main problem:

 

My boyfriend works a very odd job.. he's an astronomer, so he works nights AND lives at his work (at an observatory). He comes down to our apartment every other week, but otherwise, I am living alone. I come home to an empty apartment day after day...... He lives out of a suitcase. It's like I live here alone, and my boyfriend comes to visit every so often.. I try not to let it happen, but I end up resenting him. I resent him because he's not around enough, and we're still doing long distance even though I moved SO far to be with him. I'm constantly frustrated, and disappointed.

 

It's like we're under the guise of living together, but we're actually not.

 

There's no easy solution to this, either. Even if I make a lot of friends here and I'm involved in my own activities, at the end of the day, I am alone.. My boyfriend loves his job.. I don't think he's willing to look for another one. I can't live like this forever, I know that about myself. I have a need to connect and share a living space with the person I love. Seeing him every other week just isn't cutting it for me. He knows this, because we've talked about it before, but there's nothing either of us can do.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any ideas for ways to make this easier? I don't feel like I can settle here. I hate that he's never around.. I feel foolish for moving here. I don't know what to do.

[skydiveaddict]

That's gotta be tough on you. Your bf has a really unconventional job for sure, but you made a big sacrifice to be with him, he needs to see that and make more of an effort to be with you imo. Don't feel foolish for moving there. after all, you love the guy. In the meantime try this

Edited October 20, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[la vie est belle]

Ashbash,

 

I tried to PM you, but the website isn't letting me, I think because I'm new. Anyway, I know how hard it is to make friends in L.A. (born and raised here). I've lived abroad two out of the last 5 years and in that time most of my good friends have moved away, and when I came back to school last month to finish my last semester most of my friends had graduated. Anyway I was thinking since we're in the same town we could exchange Facebook pages, which is why I tried to PM you... hesitant to post my info here... lol

[Els]

I have 2 minutes left of internet time (damn rural place) and have to dash off soon, but I just want to let you know this... sometimes you have to make the decision that will make you happy. Is there a chance of him being able to live at home more often as his career progresses? If he can move to a different place but do the same job, perhaps? Or is this pretty much set in stone for the rest of his life?

 

If it's the latter, it'll be a tough decision but I think you know what you have to do.

 

Sending you plenty of hugs. {{{Ash}}}

[LittleTiger]

I'm thinking along the same lines as Elswyth. My heart goes out to you because this is a very tough decision. If your bf will, at some point fairly soon, be able to spend more time with you - still do his current job and live offsite perhaps or could you live onsite with him? - then maybe it's worth waiting.

 

However, if this is how it will be for the long term or even the foreseeable future, from how you've described your own personal needs, I can't see how you will be happy living this kind of life.

 

As you probably know if you've read my posts, I struggle in my own LDR because the end of our situation isn't in sight, but at least I know that my SO is doing what he can to change things as quickly as possible. If I thought things weren't going to change, I would seriously have to consider giving up on our relationship.

 

It's really a question of what's best for you and for your life. Only you know what's going to make you happy. He may be the love of your life but if he can't be with you most of the time and it's likely to be an indefinite situation, what's the point?

[Ashbash11]

Hi guys,

Thank you for your kind words and advice.. Loveshack is amazing...

 

la vie est belle, I would love to get in touch with you! I'm always looking for new friends in this area.. try PM-ing me again!

 

LittleTiger, yes, it is indeed a very tough situation.. there is no easy answer. The thing is, there is no way he can do his current job and live off-site. Part of the job requires living up at the observatory. His hours are 5 pm to about 6 am... the drive is about 1 hour 30 mins from the observatory to our apartment, so he can't really live here, drive to work, drive back.. it's too much driving for him. The ONLY solution is that he gets another job with normal hours....

 

Astronomy jobs are very hard to come by as it is, and with the economy in its' current state, I don't think my BF has much of a chance of getting a new job anytime soon. I'm predicting that he will have this job for at least 5 more years. It is ultimately my decision: at the end of this year, do I move back to the east coast or do I stay here and learn to live with the current situation??

 

The thing is, all of your suggestions are good ideas, but they won't work in this case, due to the nature of his work and the hours (eg, living at home and commuting to work, changing hours, etc.) His schedule is also unpredictable at times, so he will come home for 2 days, leave for 8, and then other times be home for a week, and then leave for 8 days.. In any case, I'm always saying "goodbye" to him... I don't always know when he will come back. It's better than me living in Boston, of course, but it's still not what I wanted or expected.. I just want a normal life with him, but I'm afraid that we will never have that.

 

Phew! Sorry for being so longwinded.

[la vie est belle]

la vie est belle, I would love to get in touch with you! I'm always looking for new friends in this area.. try PM-ing me again!

 

Hmm, still can't. I looked at the FAQ and apparently I'm not cool enough yet, lol. I do have a junkmail address though ([email protected]) ... shoot me a message there and we can exchange info!

[Els]

Has he tried to apply to other observatories, and are conditions there better? I'm sure there are observatories located nearer to towns that you could live in (ie he could commute more often because the commute wouldn't be as long).

[kdixon1022]

Hello Ash. I'm kinda in the same boat but just in a different state. I moved 1500 miles away from all my friends and family. I met a wonderfull man online and I have been with him for 5 years. I am only 20 and its my first time moving away from family. He lives in MN and I lived in Maine it was very hard to move but, we had to do it. He lived at my house for 6months and it wasnt working out for him till he moved back home. Then when he moved I decided life wasnt good enough without him there so I moved in. Quit my job moved from my family and friends and sometimes...its kinda lonely. I really do miss everyone. So I try at least every 6 months to go visit every one if i have the money. Anywho...What you need is a friend and or people that are just going to be there. Don't make a decision that your affraid to make. But, like everyone said maybe you should do the thing that MAKES YOU HAPPY! not what makes him happy because he is already occupied. Maybe going back to family till he finds another job within astronomy that way you both are happy and you both dont have to tear out your hair because one is far away still.

Just do what you feel in your heart is right. Maybe going back home and being around people who care, then when he is ready or your ready to try moving in togeather again maybe next time it'll work. Hope for the best for you!

[Ashbash11]

Kdixon- I honestly don't know what's best for me.... I already lived away from my SO for 2 years, in Boston, and I wasn't happy there, either, because I had all of my friends/family around, but missed him like crazy. Now I have the opposite situation: I have HIM, but I miss my friends and family like crazy. It's a very difficult situation, because I will always miss someone unless he moves with me back to the east coast.. (this would be the ideal situation) However, I don't feel like I can ask him to do that, you know?

 

It's a classic case of one person's family/friends living on the west coast, and the other person's roots are on the east coast. One of us is going to have to make a sacrifice, and I figured it would be me. I think it would be fine if he had a job with normal working hours, because then he would be around enough to at least make this move feel worth it. However, this is not the case, as I said in my original post. If I moved back to the east coast until he found another job, that might be an option, but I don't want to do long distance again. it was too hard. I'm just sort of stuck in a rut right now.

[Idalis]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you. I see my bf every 1-2 weeks, even though I don't live with him but I dont have many friends around me since I moved to this town for work, and it does take some adjusting. Just from reading your posts I feel that you haven't given the situation enough time, but I still think its salvageable.

 

How did you communicate with your bf before you moved to LA? Was it only every other week? Is there any way that you guys can still have the LDR with OUT the LDR? Like video chat or something while he's at work?

 

It takes time to build up a network but there's a lot of great organizations in the LA area and a lot of networking opportunities. Of course you are going to be homesick but you can either let this doom your relationship or you can use it as a chance to expand.

 

My best friend moved to this town COMPLETELY alone (no SO) I met her about 8 months after she'd moved here but she said the first 4 months were really hard b/c she had to get out there and make friends. At least you have your SO there when he CAN be there, thats a head start.

[LittleTiger]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you. I see my bf every 1-2 weeks, even though I don't live with him but I dont have many friends around me since I moved to this town for work, and it does take some adjusting. Just from reading your posts I feel that you haven't given the situation enough time, but I still think its salvageable.

 

Yes, it may be similar Idalis, but can you imagine if this situation was the best it's going to get for the foreseeable future? Even with her own new set of friends the OP is still going to, effectively, be in a LDR for an unknown length of time unless her SO changes jobs.

 

My understanding from her first post is that she wants a normal, 'living with partner' relationship - which I can totally relate to. Obviously, with a wider circle of friends the current situation might be easier to deal with but they're still going to be doing LDR long term.

 

I don't really have any other words of encouragement, Ash, other than to talk to your SO again about how you're feeling. At the moment you seem to be making all the sacrifices and he may not really understand how difficult it is for you. You don't have to ask him outright to change his job - once he knows how you feel, he may offer to at least start looking for other options. If he doesn't, then I suspect the future of your relationship may already be decided.

 

Hang in there. (((hugs)))

[Idalis]

Yeah I know what you mean.

Now that I read your post and then read OP's post I guess I'm also not seeing where he's making any sacrifice. Honestly if my SO was waiting at home for me I would drive 1.5 hours each way with out batting an eye, considering that person left their home, friends & family to be there.

I hope you figure out what you want to do Ash big hug from me too

[LittleTiger]

Honestly if my SO was waiting at home for me I would drive 1.5 hours each way with out batting an eye, considering that person left their home, friends & family to be there.

 

Actually, that's a really good point, Idalis. I hadn't clocked that. I used to drive an hour to work and back every day and people who work in London mostly live at least an hour, sometimes two, outside the city and commute every day. It is a long drive but it's not unreasonable when he has a partner sitting at home alone every evening.

 

Even if we had limited time awake together, I'd drive 1.5 hrs each way just to sleep next to my man.

 

Edit: another thought - he works nights - so if you're busy during the day, Ash, you wouldn't see him even if he did come home would you? So back to my original thought, other than his time off, unless he changes his job, there's no way of you guys being together more often.

 

Ugh (((hugs))) again.

Edited October 22, 2010 by LittleTiger

[Els]

Yes, I thought their working schedules would conflict even if he did drive back. Should his work be nearby though, it probably wouldn't be so painful for him to drive back every day even if they only got to see each other for an hour or two a day (when he comes back and she wakes up, etc).

[Ashbash11]

I don't really have any other words of encouragement, Ash, other than to talk to your SO again about how you're feeling. At the moment you seem to be making all the sacrifices and he may not really understand how difficult it is for you. You don't have to ask him outright to change his job - once he knows how you feel, he may offer to at least start looking for other options. If he doesn't, then I suspect the future of your relationship may already be decided.

 

I have to agree 100% with what LittleTiger says... I've already told my SO how I feel, several times.. He knows that I am struggling with his long absences and that I disapprove of his job. However, he is not making any moves toward searching or even being open to a new job. He seems very settled. I'm afraid that the future IS already decided... the truth is, it's actually up to me- if I decide to stay in California, or go...

 

I guess at this point, all I can do is wait. I've already done my part: I have moved here, talked to my SO several times very candidly about how I feel, and now all I can do is wait..

[LittleTiger]

I guess at this point, all I can do is wait. I've already done my part: I have moved here, talked to my SO several times very candidly about how I feel, and now all I can do is wait..

 

(((hugs))) Ash.

 

Do you know what are you're waiting for?......and how long you're prepared to wait?

[Els]

(((hugs))) Ash.

 

Do you know what are you're waiting for?......and how long you're prepared to wait?

 

Just chiming in with my support as well, Ash. And I second these questions - I think they are very good questions to ask yourself.

[Skylar]

I was just curious to know what your relationship is like when you are together? I was also wondering if there is an option to move closer to where his job is? Since he has to sleep there is it possible for you to spent some nights with him at the observatory? Or at least show up for a romantic picnic dinner as many nights as possible?

[Ashbash11]

Good question, guys.. What I meant was, "wait" until something happens- either he gets a new job/starts searching, I move back to the east coast, etc.. Just wait and see.. My timeline will really be about 6 months after my internship is over. I can't afford to be unemployed for TOO long.. California's job market is horrible, so my hunch is that I will be forced to move back home anyway, just to get a job.

 

Skylar- our relationship is very good when we are together. We have great chemistry, and we love each other very much. We are really just a "good match." Unfortunately, I can't really move closer to the observatory. We live in the town at the base of the mountain he works on- I can actually see the observatory from our apartment..lol. In terms of going up there, I can, but not during the week, since my internship is 5 days/week from 8 am until around 5 pm. I can go on weekends, which helps, but he's not around at night, since he's working, and then during the day, he sleeps. His job is very cruel to our relationship.

 

As I write this, I sit home alone, for another day.. waiting until he comes home. I asked him if he would visit during this 8 day shift, and he said "probably not.." Someone made the point earlier that if they had a loved one waiting for them who lived an hour away, they would come visit as much as possible... Just food for thought.

[TMichaels]

Seems to me, Ashbash, no matter how good of a match you seem to think the two of your are, he isn't giving you what you need, and that isn't likely to change anytime soon or ever at all.

 

He's committed to his career -- and on one hand, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

IMO, you need to decide whether you want to settle for less than what you want out of a relationship. I wouldn't advocate you do that, but maybe being a martyr has some appeal.

 

If not, then no matter how much you don't want to throw in the towel, maybe you need to -- to explore life beyond California and what it has to offer you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Ashbash11]

Thank you, TMichaels. I do agree that I am not getting what I need. If I were, I wouldn't be posting questions on Loveshack!!!

 

It's true that my boyfriend is committed to his career, and I don't want to make him give that up. BUT, I need to do what's best for me. I'd be devastated to break up with him, but I feel like if I was willing to make the sacrifice to move 3,000 miles to be with him, he should at least be willing to look for other jobs... I'm definitely the one doing most of the sacrificing. He hasn't really done any.

[Els]

Thank you, TMichaels. I do agree that I am not getting what I need. If I were, I wouldn't be posting questions on Loveshack!!!

 

It's true that my boyfriend is committed to his career, and I don't want to make him give that up. BUT, I need to do what's best for me. I'd be devastated to break up with him, but I feel like if I was willing to make the sacrifice to move 3,000 miles to be with him, he should at least be willing to look for other jobs... I'm definitely the one doing most of the sacrificing. He hasn't really done any.

 

I too, would be worried if this was truly the case. Jobs aside, can you look back through the time you've been together and honestly say that he hasn't really made any sacrifices for the both of you? Sometimes people do make sacrifices, but they have one or two sticking points that they absolutely won't compromise on, such as career. That may or may not, depending on you, be understandable. But if you really are the one making all the sacrifices, that is definitely cause for deep introspection about this relationship.

[Ashbash11]

Hi Elswyth,

Thanks for your reply! After thinking about sacrifices my boyfriend has made for me.. does flying cross country once/month every 2 months to visit me in Boston count as a sacrifice? He pays half the rent on our apartment here in CA, he agreed to do long distance.. I'm not sure if those count.

 

In any case, I still feel that I make most of the sacrifices. To give you an example, I moved cross country to be with him, fought with professors/director of my graduate school program to go to CA (a very long battle...) and I put up with many nights alone, as well as his crazy work schedule. I really go above and beyond for him, which I've never really done for any other guy.. In our relationship, his job essentially controls when we will be together/wont' be together, our plans, our social life, everything. THAT is a problem.

 

All of this aside, I am still feeling that ultimately, it won't work out, due to his job/schedule. Someone earlier in the thread suggested that i move back home with my friends/family until my BF is able to get a better job.. Currently, that is not sounding like such a bad idea.

[LittleTiger]

Hi Elswyth,

Thanks for your reply! After thinking about sacrifices my boyfriend has made for me.. does flying cross country once/month every 2 months to visit me in Boston count as a sacrifice? He pays half the rent on our apartment here in CA, he agreed to do long distance.. I'm not sure if those count.

 

In any case, I still feel that I make most of the sacrifices. To give you an example, I moved cross country to be with him, fought with professors/director of my graduate school program to go to CA (a very long battle...) and I put up with many nights alone, as well as his crazy work schedule. I really go above and beyond for him, which I've never really done for any other guy.. In our relationship, his job essentially controls when we will be together/wont' be together, our plans, our social life, everything. THAT is a problem.

 

All of this aside, I am still feeling that ultimately, it won't work out, due to his job/schedule. Someone earlier in the thread suggested that i move back home with my friends/family until my BF is able to get a better job.. Currently, that is not sounding like such a bad idea.

 

Paying for half your rent and going long distance is something you've both done equally, so I don't think that counts in my book. All LDRs involve some of kind of sacrifice of course, but the balance here is massively in his favour. Flying to see your girlfriend every month or two doesn't even compare to moving your entire life cross country.

 

I still don't think he is taking your feelings into consideration and, if he is, then he clearly doesn't understand the magnitude of your unhappiness. Does he know that you are considering moving back home?

 

I know that telling him this might feel as though you are putting him under pressure but, if you make it clear that you fully intend to leave if he can't/won't make some changes (whatever they may be) and that you're not 'calling his bluff', at least you should get some definite measure of his willingness to compromise for you and your relationship.