Really having a hard time

[Els]

I still don't think he is taking your feelings into consideration and, if he is, then he clearly doesn't understand the magnitude of your unhappiness. Does he know that you are considering moving back home?

 

I know that telling him this might feel as though you are putting him under pressure but, if you make it clear that you fully intend to leave if he can't/won't make some changes (whatever they may be) and that you're not 'calling his bluff', at least you should get some definite measure of his willingness to compromise for you and your relationship.

 

I think this is great advice.

 

From what you're saying, I too agree that you seem to be making the bulk of the sacrifices to be together. Whether it is because he simply deals with distance better but still loves you as much as you love him, or because he's less invested in the relationship entirely... is up to you to decide. I feel that the former is acceptable and the latter not, but again, that's up to you.

[Ashbash11]

Truth is, we've been getting into lots of little "fights" and arguments since I moved out here (3 months ago..). My gut tells me that overall, it won't work out. I know it has only been a short time, but I am terribly homesick, and I worry about my parents (they are older-in their late 60's) and not in amazing health. Yes, it is true that I have made the bulk of the sacrifices in this relationship, and I'm mostly OK with that, except now that I am living here, I feel like he isn't doing enough to make my time here comfortable/happy... (eg, driving down more often from work to see me)

 

I often have to fend for myself, and I don't feel that it is very fair. For example, he doesn't come down often to visit me, so I am alone most weekends/during the week and I don't have a social network out here. I feel that relationships should include an equal amount of sacrifice and giving from each person. In any case, we will see what happens in the next 8 months. It could really go either way, depending on the job situation, and what decision I make. Thank you for all of your great advice though, guys.

 

AB

[Els]

I often have to fend for myself, and I don't feel that it is very fair. For example, he doesn't come down often to visit me, so I am alone most weekends/during the week and I don't have a social network out here. I feel that relationships should include an equal amount of sacrifice and giving from each person. In any case, we will see what happens in the next 8 months. It could really go either way, depending on the job situation, and what decision I make. Thank you for all of your great advice though, guys.

 

AB

 

Ash, to be fair, we don't know how his job situation is like so you'll have to fill us in on it. When you say he doesn't come down often to visit you, do you mean he doesn't come down during work days, or even during his off days? If he were to drive down on a work day, how much time do you think you both would be able to spend together considering your opposite sleep/work schedules? Why is he away most weekends; does he work on weekends?

 

However, all that aside, I agree that if you're really not happy with your life here with him, you should probably move back once you can (and consider ending the relationship if it doesn't seem like you both will ever be able to be in the same place and happy).

[madjac74]

Hey ash! I think that you did an extremely brave thing in moving across country to be with him. I can't even begin to imagine what that is like. I think as a man he should do everything he can to make you feel comfortable and not to regret your decision. But also I think you shouldn't rely on him for that. It seems like that is going to strain your relationship and make you guys resent each other.

 

I think what you should do is start to develop your own social network there. It certainly isnt easy but you seem to be the type of person who can do it. Join a class in something you are interested in and make new friends there. Hangout at a local establishment. Go to a gym.

 

I think it will take a lot of strain off your relationship. However I definitely think he should be helping you to ease the culture shock of moving to a different area.

[Els]

Ash already mentioned that she's tried what she can, but the community and age group in that area is just unsuitable for her to fit into.

[Ashbash11]

Hey Els,

Yeah, I guess I haven't really explained his job too well. Here goes:

 

He works nights at the observatory- 8 nights in a row, then he gets about 5 days off. He always comes down to stay with me during his 5 days off. BUT.... he works a lot of weekends (they fall during the 8 day "runs") and.... he often doesn't come down to see me during the 8 day runs. If he did come down, we'd probably get to spend 2-3 hours together before he had to go back up to work, so for me, it's totally worth it.

 

He makes up excuses for why he can't come down that often: "it uses too much gas" "the drive is too long.." etc. etc. That's what gets me so upset. I moved 3,000 miles, remember????

 

I do agree with MadJac about establishing a social network. I am definitely trying NOT to rely on my BF for that, but I've had very bad luck with making friends out here. We live in a community of families and people in their 30's and 40's ... It's very suburban. I just moved here from Boston, remember... Boston was a very university-oriented city, with lots of young people (our age.. 20's), but it's NOT like that here. It's a bit of a culture shock.

[Els]

Hey Els,

Yeah, I guess I haven't really explained his job too well. Here goes:

 

He works nights at the observatory- 8 nights in a row, then he gets about 5 days off. He always comes down to stay with me during his 5 days off. BUT.... he works a lot of weekends (they fall during the 8 day "runs") and.... he often doesn't come down to see me during the 8 day runs. If he did come down, we'd probably get to spend 2-3 hours together before he had to go back up to work, so for me, it's totally worth it.

 

He makes up excuses for why he can't come down that often: "it uses too much gas" "the drive is too long.." etc. etc. That's what gets me so upset. I moved 3,000 miles, remember????

 

I do agree with MadJac about establishing a social network. I am definitely trying NOT to rely on my BF for that, but I've had very bad luck with making friends out here. We live in a community of families and people in their 30's and 40's ... It's very suburban. I just moved here from Boston, remember... Boston was a very university-oriented city, with lots of young people (our age.. 20's), but it's NOT like that here. It's a bit of a culture shock.

 

How often does he come down to see you during the 8-day runs? To be fair, a 1.5 hour drive to see an SO for 2-3 hours isn't something I personally would do everyday, especially if I was working. But I would definitely try to do it at least a couple of times per run, especially if I knew that person moved solely for me and is generally unhappy with life here. Have you told him that you're contemplating moving back? I think that at this stage, you should. Not as an ultimatum, just a discussion point - you're unhappy and you think it's emotionally unhealthy for you to stay here alone for 8 days at a time.

[madjac74]

We live in a community of families and people in their 30's and 40's ... It's very suburban. I just moved here from Boston, remember... Boston was a very university-oriented city, with lots of young people (our age.. 20's), but it's NOT like that here. It's a bit of a culture shock.

 

Ash dont count out us 30 yr olds! We are younger and more fun than you think. Im 36 and I have a great deal of friends who are in their early 20's. But I understand it can be hard to develop good friends especially when you just moved across country. So does your bf have alot of friends there? Sorry Ash! I remember your story from before and I'm trying to catch up.

[Ashbash11]

Hey madjac-

No, my BF doesn't really have friends here, because he grew up here and most of his friends from high school have moved away. He only has 1 friend here, who is in med school, so he's extremely busy and doesn't have much time to hang out.. Once again, I'm basically on my own with creating a social network... I'm finding it impossible.

 

When I first moved to Boston, it was difficult, but I started making friends within 4-5 months because I already had a friend there who introduced me to other people, and then I met their friends, and their friends.... It was very easy to establish a social network. NOT the case in SoCal.. People drive everywhere, and no one lives near each other.. It's hard to establish some sort of social group... I'll keep trying, since I have 8 more months here (to finish my internship). It's going to be a toughie.. my boyfriend said the other day that i am his "favorite person" and he's planning to marry me in a couple of years, granted that I settle here. He and his family are pretty much expecting me to settle in California.. I'm under pressure to like it here, and to stay here. Some days, I go crazy because of all of this.

 

Oh... and not to mention this: in the winter (January) the observatory shuts down, and my BF is sent up to Berkeley, CA (7 hours away) for a couple of months.. he has to live up there, and works at the lab up there. He tried to explain to them that his girlfriend moved out here, and he has to pay rent and whatnot, but I don't think his boss cares... SO.. there's that situation to deal with in a month or so. I need all the strength I can get.

[eminembnja]

You definitely shouldn't feel silly for moving out. This is the perfect opportunity to figure out if there is a real future together. If you stayed long distance, you may never have known what life with him would be like, gotten married and THEN found out you couldn't take it.

 

As others have said, perhaps you should make it very clear (in the least ultimatum-ish way possible) that this is a trial for marriage. If he can't make you happy now, there is no reason to believe things will get any better in a couple years.

 

However, I think you have to separate out two separate issues. First is the issue of seeing him. It seems like he should at least be seeing you on the weekends that fall into the 8 day stretch. You could drive up to meet him since you have weekends off. On weekdays, perhaps you could meet in the middle.

 

Second is the issue of your social life. If you are primarily unhappy with your social life, I think you can fix that. Doesn't Pasadena have a major university? Is the problem just that you don't like the suburbs? I've lived many places, and I've always been able to find things to love about each place. This leads me to believe that you may have some psychological resistance to adapting to the area. What exactly are you looking for? What would you be doing with friends if you were still in Boston?

[Ashbash11]

eminembnja- you touched on something that had never really occurred to me: psychological resistance to adapting to the area... that could be something that's happening without me even being totally aware of it. I can, however, say this: when I moved here, I was excited and very open to living in a new place. I like adventure, and this is definitely an adventure for me.. However, after several months of living here, I've been disappointed. I was imagining Pasadena to be a place that it isn't- there aren't any major universities here, no. Only a community college.

 

I am looking for a place that is lively, cultured and fun, with lots of activities and young people- basically a vibrant city with lots to do.. Pasadena is definitely more suburban than I was expecting- it's very quiet at night, lots of families, NOT a lot going on... (at least until Saturday night, but even then, not a whole lot..) I suppose in my posts I've focused too much on the lack of social life.. My biggest concern right now is my relationship, and whether or not this is going to work out. Although you do make a very good point- this is a trial to determine whether or not this is something that I want to pursue... I have to agree that this is MUCH better than getting married and then having it not work out.

[hoping2heal]

Actually, that's a really good point, Idalis. I hadn't clocked that. I used to drive an hour to work and back every day and people who work in London mostly live at least an hour, sometimes two, outside the city and commute every day. It is a long drive but it's not unreasonable when he has a partner sitting at home alone every evening.

 

Even if we had limited time awake together, I'd drive 1.5 hrs each way just to sleep next to my man.

 

Edit: another thought - he works nights - so if you're busy during the day, Ash, you wouldn't see him even if he did come home would you? So back to my original thought, other than his time off, unless he changes his job, there's no way of you guys being together more often.

 

Ugh (((hugs))) again.

 

I feel the same about that drive. I know you love him and don't want to let go, I am sure all of the time and effort you have already put in to this thing only adds to that feeling. The thing is, I think if you keep up this routine for another couple of years what relationship you do have currently will be burried under sore feelings and resentment.

 

You said in a post that you could not ask of him to move to the east coast. Ok, but why not? It was asked of you to move to the west coast. The thing is, this guy's number 1 priority is his job. That doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about you, but the fact that he could even allow you to put yourself in the situation you have, I mean it just doesn't speak well. Over the years my love for my SO has continually grown and now I can't really do hurtful things because well, I cannot stand the fact he would be hurt. I could no put my SO through what you are being put through, No matter how stubborn he would be about insisting on it, and on the flipside I know (and in fact, experienced) that he could not do it to me either. We both have to make sacrifices to make things work and share a life, but neither of us let's the other bear the heaviest weight.

 

I am thankful for that, I am extremely greatful for that. I am an extremely blessed woman to have found a love like that. That is the kind of love I hope all people get a chance at experiencing. As wonderful as it is, it does not come without it's share of hardships and difficulties, either but nothing could be more worth it.

 

I think deep down you know this isn't right for you but you have already given and invested and sacrificed so much. Have the two of you sat down and had a talk about the possibility of the relationship ending due to the circumstances?

[Ashbash11]

I agree with a lot of what you said, hoping2heal. The reason I wouldn't ask my boyfriend to move to the east coast is because he already has a job in California and he's settled here. I can't ask him to quit his job and come follow me, if I move back... It's unfortunate, but I am the person who is more mobile in our relationship. I have the ability to move around if I need to.. Although, that's not to say that I'm not leaving behind people and places that i love/am attached to.

 

Your very last statement: "I think deep down you know this isn't right for you but you have already given and invested and sacrificed so much." is 100% true. I have a gut feeling that I shouldn't have moved here, but because we've been through SO much together, and we did the long distance for 2 years, I feel like I owe it to myself, to him AND to our relationship to try this out. Plus, I really love him. My love for him is what drives me. Although, I must admit, I have been through a lot of pain and suffering in the past 3 years that we have been together- with his job/work schedule, and the long distance, and time conflicts and not being able to see each other or even TALK on the phone/skype, and being long distance STILL, even though I live near him now... it's all been incredibly hard. Thank you for your advice, though.

 

AB

[hoping2heal]

I agree with a lot of what you said, hoping2heal. The reason I wouldn't ask my boyfriend to move to the east coast is because he already has a job in California and he's settled here. I can't ask him to quit his job and come follow me, if I move back... It's unfortunate, but I am the person who is more mobile in our relationship. I have the ability to move around if I need to.. Although, that's not to say that I'm not leaving behind people and places that i love/am attached to.

 

Yes, that is my point. It is either he makes the big sacrifice, or you do - did he have this astronaut job before he met you or did he get it after? If he had it before - well then that is an entirely different thing. If this is something that came after the two of you that is deeply troublesome. That tells me he just expected to have things "his way" and you were just expected to come along for the ride while he does what he wants to do. Does he know how deeply unhappy you are there?

 

Your very last statement: "I think deep down you know this isn't right for you but you have already given and invested and sacrificed so much." is 100% true. I have a gut feeling that I shouldn't have moved here, but because we've been through SO much together, and we did the long distance for 2 years, I feel like I owe it to myself, to him AND to our relationship to try this out. Plus, I really love him. My love for him is what drives me. Although, I must admit, I have been through a lot of pain and suffering in the past 3 years that we have been together- with his job/work schedule, and the long distance, and time conflicts and not being able to see each other or even TALK on the phone/skype, and being long distance STILL, even though I live near him now... it's all been incredibly hard. Thank you for your advice, though.

 

 

I know the love you have for him drives you, I understand. I know you feel like you owe it to yourself and him to give this a fair shot, what is concerning me is why it looks so damned one sided. I know we only get your side of the story here, but it seems like YOU are the one pulling for this relationship, and he isn't disagreeing with you; but I've yet to read something that tells me he is putting in all this effort for your sake either. He may be, and if so I would love to hear about it - I have not yet. So far is has been all the "him show". Feelings are a powerful thing, but I'm going to tell you - if there isn't just as much passion from his side about this relationship - I do not see how this is all going to be worth it. You mentioned in another post it could likely be this way for 5 years. Can you imagine doing this every day for 5 years? I mean something has to give. Eventually, something will.

 

It's great that he's a driven and motivated man, not so great that it has not occured to you to make a life that can be shared by you, instead of just lived in by him.

[Els]

Your very last statement: "I think deep down you know this isn't right for you but you have already given and invested and sacrificed so much." is 100% true. I have a gut feeling that I shouldn't have moved here, but because we've been through SO much together, and we did the long distance for 2 years, I feel like I owe it to myself, to him AND to our relationship to try this out.

 

You did, Ash, you did. I believe you made the right decision; it is FAR better that you see how things are now, than suffer through long distance for the next few years before you reach this place. Now, at least no matter what decision you make regarding your relationship, you know that you gave it your best and you have all the information and knowledge you need to make the best decision.

[Ashbash11]

hoping2heal- it's actually really bothering me lately that my BF hasn't made any real sacrifices during our 3 year relationship. At the same time, what would be an example of a sacrifice on his end??

 

I am really not doing well with things these days... I don't feel like things are working. I'm continually resentful (that he's at work so much) and dissatisfied with many aspects of our relationship. I do feel that he takes me for granted this year, because he feels like, "well, I got her to move out here, and now she's mine and she'll never leave.." so he can just sort of act the way he wants, and when I bring up concerns, he'll just shrug them off and say "things are fine, don't worry.." He tends to discount my feelings if I tell him the truth about how I'm feeling about living out here so far, or about our relationship. I honestly feel that living together has been rocky for us. As I've said previously, we've been arguing a lot, and the "in love" feeling has definitely disappeared. His schedule makes it so that he's on a different sleep schedule than I am, so he sleeps on the living room couch and I sleep in our bed (when he comes home...) there's just this feeling of disconnection.... I've never felt this before, until I moved out to CA....

 

I'm just rambling tonight, sorry.. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this situation and I feel like my BF is not receptive to talking about it... Maybe I am jumping the gun, though. I still have about 7 more months left of my internship, so I'm pretty much "stuck" in my current predicament. I might as well just deal with the situation. I do agree Elswyth, this is a good chance to try this out and even if it doesn't work out, I won't regret anything because I gave it my best. I feel really torn, because I feel that my BF is a very good guy, and it would be a mistake to give him up, but at the same time, I'm quite unhappy with my circumstances out here. Like someone earlier said, I often feel like I'm living HIS life, rather than my own.

[Els]

Sorry to hear that, Ash.

 

I don't wish to pressure you, but a few of us asked you before if you have told your bf that you are seriously planning to move back after your internship ends because this current arrangement isn't working for you. I have a feeling you haven't. You really should - it's only fair to both of you.

 

I won't lie - if you're this unhappy so many months in, this place really isn't for you, unless something changes drastically. Do you think it would be possible to do the rest of your internship in your city if you speak to the right people or are you stuck-stuck here?

[aerogurl87]

hoping2heal- it's actually really bothering me lately that my BF hasn't made any real sacrifices during our 3 year relationship. At the same time, what would be an example of a sacrifice on his end??

 

I am really not doing well with things these days... I don't feel like things are working. I'm continually resentful (that he's at work so much) and dissatisfied with many aspects of our relationship. I do feel that he takes me for granted this year, because he feels like, "well, I got her to move out here, and now she's mine and she'll never leave.." so he can just sort of act the way he wants, and when I bring up concerns, he'll just shrug them off and say "things are fine, don't worry.." He tends to discount my feelings if I tell him the truth about how I'm feeling about living out here so far, or about our relationship. I honestly feel that living together has been rocky for us. As I've said previously, we've been arguing a lot, and the "in love" feeling has definitely disappeared. His schedule makes it so that he's on a different sleep schedule than I am, so he sleeps on the living room couch and I sleep in our bed (when he comes home...) there's just this feeling of disconnection.... I've never felt this before, until I moved out to CA....

 

I'm just rambling tonight, sorry.. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this situation and I feel like my BF is not receptive to talking about it... Maybe I am jumping the gun, though. I still have about 7 more months left of my internship, so I'm pretty much "stuck" in my current predicament. I might as well just deal with the situation. I do agree Elswyth, this is a good chance to try this out and even if it doesn't work out, I won't regret anything because I gave it my best. I feel really torn, because I feel that my BF is a very good guy, and it would be a mistake to give him up, but at the same time, I'm quite unhappy with my circumstances out here. Like someone earlier said, I often feel like I'm living HIS life, rather than my own.

 

I've been reading this thread for awhile Ash and this is not sounding good whatsoever. All the stuff I highlighted in bold is what really stuck out to me. First of all, he hasn't given up anything for you in the last three years basically which is a bad sign since relationships are supposed to be about give and take. I understand maybe he can't move because of his career, but he can do something to make living with him and his job more bearable.

 

Secondly, you say he discounts your feelings and that's never a good sign. I told my boyfriend I was homesick and he parked the car and told me we had to talk about it and how I was feeling about moving to where he was since he wanted to know where my head was at. That's what your boyfriend needs to be doing. He needs to be talking to you about your feelings and how you feel about being there with him. It seems to me that he really doesn't care as he now has what he wants. That's not how it's supposed to be, your supposed to be a team, a unit, and he's supposed to look out for your well being as if it were his own.

 

Lastly, the fact that he sleeps on the couch and you sleep in the bed is a major red flag. There is definitely a disconnect between you two. The flame of love is gone, and if he keeps up this pattern it will be hard to resurrect. You need to have a serious talk with him at this point I believe and let him know exactly how you're feeling. Tell him that if something doesn't change you might be gone at the end of your internship. Maybe he needs a good wake up call like that to realize something is amiss in your relationship and everything isn't going well like he wants to believe. Because if you feel "stuck" now then I seriously don't see this lasting for the two of you.

 

On a side note I also thought Pasadena had a big university. I guess that's what I get for watching too much of The Big Bang Theory, lol.

[Els]

Lastly, the fact that he sleeps on the couch and you sleep in the bed is a major red flag. There is definitely a disconnect between you two. The flame of love is gone, and if he keeps up this pattern it will be hard to resurrect. You need to have a serious talk with him at this point I believe and let him know exactly how you're feeling. Tell him that if something doesn't change you might be gone at the end of your internship. Maybe he needs a good wake up call like that to realize something is amiss in your relationship and everything isn't going well like he wants to believe. Because if you feel "stuck" now then I seriously don't see this lasting for the two of you.

 

AG, while I agree with the rest of your post, I honestly think that with her bf's sleep routine, this is probably unavoidable. She probably needs it so that she can sleep well in order to be up for her internship the next day, as her waking hours are different from his. Sometimes romance has to be sacrificed for practicality. Plenty of couples with such problems (opposite schedules, or one partner snoring loudly, etc) sleep apart if need be.

 

In fact, that's exactly why the bf and I got us a 2-room apartment instead of studio. He can sleep through hellfire and brimstone, so it doesn't matter to him what time I go to bed or wake up... but I can't. So we plan that on days that he wants to stay up late and I need to sleep early, or if he needs to wake up super early and I don't want to be disturbed, we'll shunt him off to the spare room.

 

On a side note I also thought Pasadena had a big university. I guess that's what I get for watching too much of The Big Bang Theory, lol.

[LittleTiger]

I feel really torn, because I feel that my BF is a very good guy, and it would be a mistake to give him up, but at the same time, I'm quite unhappy with my circumstances out here.

 

Ash, although the sleeping on the couch thing concerns me, I'm going to zero in on something else here first.

 

Your bf may well be a 'very good guy' but that is not reason enough to stay in a relationship with him. This is YOUR life and you only get one go at it. If you have communicated clearly to him what your needs are and he still is making no effort to meet you half way then he isn't the man for you. If you haven't talked to him about it, what's stopping you?

 

You say you're unhappy with your circumstances and you have a feeling of disconnection from him. So what are you getting out of this? Relationships, romantic or otherwise, should add something positive to our lives. If there are no real positives what reason do you have to stay?

 

To go back to the 'sleeping on the couch' thing, I have to say I would never, ever sleep separately from my SO. NEVER. He works silly shifts when I'm with him, out in the middle of the night, home in the middle of the night etc. There is no way he would suggest sleeping on the couch. If he did I'd be horrified.

 

On my visit this Christmas I will probably get up with him at 4am to drive him to work and then I'll pick him up when he's finished - just so that we get an extra hour and a half together each day. I'm not suggesting everyone has to go to such extremes, but really, what is your bf doing to contribute to your relationship and to make your life a little bit easier?

 

I would apologise for being brutal here but I think you already know there is something 'not as it should be' in your relationship. Listen to your instincts Ash, they are there for a reason.

[aerogurl87]

AG, while I agree with the rest of your post, I honestly think that with her bf's sleep routine, this is probably unavoidable. She probably needs it so that she can sleep well in order to be up for her internship the next day, as her waking hours are different from his. Sometimes romance has to be sacrificed for practicality. Plenty of couples with such problems (opposite schedules, or one partner snoring loudly, etc) sleep apart if need be.

 

In fact, that's exactly why the bf and I got us a 2-room apartment instead of studio. He can sleep through hellfire and brimstone, so it doesn't matter to him what time I go to bed or wake up... but I can't. So we plan that on days that he wants to stay up late and I need to sleep early, or if he needs to wake up super early and I don't want to be disturbed, we'll shunt him off to the spare room.

 

I understand that that is probably true Elswyth, but in the context of what she wrote I'm pretty sure it's got to do more with the fact she's starting to resent him than them just being able to sleep well. I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.

[LittleTiger]

I understand that that is probably true Elswyth, but in the context of what she wrote I'm pretty sure it's got to do more with the fact she's starting to resent him than them just being able to sleep well. I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.

 

The way I read it, he is choosing to sleep on the couch rather than in bed with her..... and that's what's leading to her feelings of resentment.

 

This relationship, although technically not very long distance is, because of his work, still an LDR. They don't see each other for 8 days, then he comes home for a few days together before they're separated for another 8 days.......... and while he's home he sleeps on the couch?!!!

[Els]

The way I read it, he is choosing to sleep on the couch rather than in bed with her..... and that's what's leading to her feelings of resentment.

 

This relationship, although technically not very long distance is, because of his work, still an LDR. They don't see each other for 8 days, then he comes home for a few days together before they're separated for another 8 days.......... and while he's home he sleeps on the couch?!!!

 

I understand that that is probably true Elswyth, but in the context of what she wrote I'm pretty sure it's got to do more with the fact she's starting to resent him than them just being able to sleep well. I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.

 

Hm, yes, when taken in the context of everything that she said, I can see how it would be troubling. I really don't feel that the couch is the most important, or even one of the main issues in this case, though. As in, if everything else were just fine and dandy except them needing to sleep separately due to differing schedules, I'd probably tell her not to sweat it. But everything else isn't, and I guess that's the whole point.

[Ashbash11]

aerogurl's got it right: it's the resentment.... What happens is, he can't sleep and it's 1 am or later (I have to wake up for internship at 7 am everyday..) and then I ask him if he can't sleep, he says "yes" and then he leaves and goes to sleep on the couch, sometimes angrily. He seems to get annoyed that I'm asking him if he can't sleep. It's weird.. I usually get upset because he won't even try to stay in bed with me.

 

The couch issue was really just an aside. My main concern at this point is that I feel unhappy/homesick and dissatisfied with the relationship since I moved out here, and he refuses to really talk about it. Whenever I bring up things that are bothering me, he sort of shrugs it off and tells me that "everything is fine" and that I "complain about everything"... He refuses to actually enter into a FULL conversation about it. He just uses one word answers and generic phrases, eg, "everything is OK.." It also worries me that he expects me to settle in California for the rest of my life. When I suggest moving back east, it's clear that he won't follow me.. That bothers me, too. He won't move for me, as I did for him.

 

I think a serious discussion is in order. Here are the things I want to cover with him: 1) his job- how long will he keep doing it? Is there an end in sight? AND.. how it's affecting us... 2) my unhappiness/dissatisfaction with several aspects of our relationship 3) my homesickness/difficulties with relocating and his lack of support, anything else I'm missing?

 

I want to thank you guys again for being so supportive and actually caring enough to respond to my posts... I feel really alone in this, and my friends/family can't understand because none of them have ever been in a long distance relationship before. These issues have been consuming me lately, and I don't know how to talk to my BF about them... I mean really talk... get the feelings out in the open. Because I know that if I don't initiate some kind of conversation, I will end up breaking up with him most definitely and moving back home...

[Els]

aerogurl's got it right: it's the resentment.... What happens is, he can't sleep and it's 1 am or later (I have to wake up for internship at 7 am everyday..) and then I ask him if he can't sleep, he says "yes" and then he leaves and goes to sleep on the couch, sometimes angrily. He seems to get annoyed that I'm asking him if he can't sleep. It's weird.. I usually get upset because he won't even try to stay in bed with me.

 

Would you feel better if he still slept in your bed but went to bed later than you instead of at the same time?

 

 

I think a serious discussion is in order. Here are the things I want to cover with him: 1) his job- how long will he keep doing it? Is there an end in sight? AND.. how it's affecting us... 2) my unhappiness/dissatisfaction with several aspects of our relationship 3) my homesickness/difficulties with relocating and his lack of support, anything else I'm missing?

 

I want to second the bolded. Also, I think you are missing the part that you plan to go back home after your internship if things continue the way they are.

 

I hate to judge people based on mere posts, but it really seems that your bf isn't concerned at all about your problems here, he seems to be going through a selfish phase - and I am hoping that if you tell him you plan to leave, the gravity of that may finally shock him out of this selfishness and help him understand.

 

What do you like about your R, Ash? What makes you feel as if it is worth keeping?