Really having a hard time

[LittleTiger]

aerogurl's got it right: it's the resentment.... What happens is, he can't sleep and it's 1 am or later (I have to wake up for internship at 7 am everyday..) and then I ask him if he can't sleep, he says "yes" and then he leaves and goes to sleep on the couch, sometimes angrily. He seems to get annoyed that I'm asking him if he can't sleep. It's weird.. I usually get upset because he won't even try to stay in bed with me.

 

The couch issue was really just an aside. My main concern at this point is that I feel unhappy/homesick and dissatisfied with the relationship since I moved out here, and he refuses to really talk about it. Whenever I bring up things that are bothering me, he sort of shrugs it off and tells me that "everything is fine" and that I "complain about everything"... He refuses to actually enter into a FULL conversation about it. He just uses one word answers and generic phrases, eg, "everything is OK.." It also worries me that he expects me to settle in California for the rest of my life. When I suggest moving back east, it's clear that he won't follow me.. That bothers me, too. He won't move for me, as I did for him.

 

I think a serious discussion is in order. Here are the things I want to cover with him: 1) his job- how long will he keep doing it? Is there an end in sight? AND.. how it's affecting us... 2) my unhappiness/dissatisfaction with several aspects of our relationship 3) my homesickness/difficulties with relocating and his lack of support, anything else I'm missing?

 

I want to thank you guys again for being so supportive and actually caring enough to respond to my posts... I feel really alone in this, and my friends/family can't understand because none of them have ever been in a long distance relationship before. These issues have been consuming me lately, and I don't know how to talk to my BF about them... I mean really talk... get the feelings out in the open. Because I know that if I don't initiate some kind of conversation, I will end up breaking up with him most definitely and moving back home...

 

Ash, three things here.

 

1) The couch issue is actually very important in the context of what is currently going on in your R. Let me emphasise that - very important!

 

When a couple stops sleeping together (unless there's a really good reason, such as illness, or one person working nightshift, or you've been together 40/50 yrs, and you genuinely can't sleep) that is a sign of big trouble. It can even be a cause of big trouble. Couples who stay together long term usually go to bed together, at the same time, every night. I'm not saying it's the main problem, but it's certainly a huge red flag.

 

2) Everything is certainly not 'fine' as your bf likes to tell you. You're obviously aware of that. He's aware of it too or he wouldn't say you're complaining all the time, he's just choosing to ignore it. I'm starting to wonder how much you actually assert yourself in this R and it concerns me that he has so much 'power'. He decides when to come home, he decides if you sleep together, he decides where you live/settle in the future. What about what you want Ash?

 

3) If you genuinely want some advice on how to talk to him, this is how I would do it:

 

a) Next time you speak, you make it very clear that you need to sit down and have a conversation - that the conversation is going to happen the next time he comes home. That way he isn't surprised and can't sidestep you with his 'everything is fine' line. Don't get into an argument or discussion on the phone or skype (or however you're communicating). This is too important and you can make it clear that you won't discuss it until you're together but you ARE going to discuss it.

 

b) You sit down together and ask for his attention - 'I need you to listen to me, it's very important'. If he interupts, you ask again for his attention, tell him you'd like to finish what you're saying and then it's his turn.

 

c) If he listens and responds in a productive manner - perfect. If he doesn't listen, continues to interupt, minimises everything you say, won't acknowledge your unhappiness, then is the time to tell him you can't carry on this way and you are considering going back home.

 

I understand that you're reluctant to throw the 'I'm going to leave you' card on the table because it seems so final but, the truth is, until you do this he will just carry on as you are - because 'everything is fine' for him!

 

As Elswyth says, it's difficult to judge somebody we don't even know, but from everything you've posted here I think you've come to a crossroads and it's time for you to make a decision.

 

You aren't happy and you will continue to be unhappy until something changes. It seems your bf is the only one who has any power to change things where you currently are. If he won't do that then you can change things by walking away. I know that's a tough decision to make when you've made so many sacrifices but how much happier would you be if you moved back home - even without him?

[Els]

Regarding him sleeping at the same time as her, IMO it is usually really difficult for someone working a night shift to sleep regular hours even on his days off. Some people can, but many take a long time to adjust their cycles.

 

c) If he listens and responds in a productive manner - perfect. If he doesn't listen, continues to interupt, minimises everything you say, won't acknowledge your unhappiness, then is the time to tell him you can't carry on this way and you are considering going back home.

 

 

Yes, I think doing it in this way would be best, too.

[LittleTiger]

Regarding him sleeping at the same time as her, IMO it is usually really difficult for someone working a night shift to sleep regular hours even on his days off. Some people can, but many take a long time to adjust their cycles.

 

I absolutely agree and I know how difficult it is - my SO changes his shifts on a weekly rota - one week he'll be doing nights, the next early mornings and the next late evenings. It is a nightmare and I empathise totally.

 

What I was pointing out is that this way of living can cause major problems for a couple, even where everything else is fine. It takes a very strong relationship to survive this kind of challenge. For Ash, the sleeping arrangments are just another factor to consider on top of everything else. Especially when he is apparently unwilling to compromise. If I was Ash, I would also want to know why he couldn't sleep next to me. My man sleeps ten times better knowing I'm there with him and I'm the same.

 

If Ash and her bf can't see each other for eight days at a time and then when they do see each other he's sleeping (on the couch) or tired AND she's not getting the attention she needs, AND she's feeling lonely and neglected AND he's not making an effort to help her to feel better AND he can't/won't change his job AND he won't ever move from CA ...........do you see what I'm saying?

[Els]

Yes, I totally see what you're saying. I just think she should focus on the major things right now during her talk (her 3-point list is good) as opposed to lumping every single dissatisfaction she has on the table right away. People tend to be overwhelmed by that, and when they are, they tend to pick on the ones that they feel they really cannot help and imagine that the other person is being unreasonable in general while discounting all the other points - and I feel that couch-sleeping could potentially be a prime target for that.

[Ashbash11]

Ok guys.. over the weekend, we had a long discussion. I laid everything out on the table and I was extremely honest and frank about how I am feeling.

 

To my surprise, my boyfriend was actually receptive to talking and he listened carefully as I spoke. This time, he did not shrug things off, or say "everything is fine." He seemed genuinely concerned, especially because he could probably see how upset I was and that I actually meant business this time...

 

In any case.. here's what came of the conversation: he says that he does not want to do this job forever, in fact, he doesn't really like this job that much, but he's using it as a "stepping stone" to get into better jobs. I told him that I can't live like this for too long- that I am lonely, that he's gone a lot of weekends, that we can't live a "normal" couples life... What upset me is he said, "Well, if you moved back to the east coast, I would probably start looking for a new job right away." SO basically, that's what it will take to get him to make a move.. He's too comfortable right now- he has his job, his family, AND his girlfriend in California. What would motivate him to find another job? Nothing, really, unless he loses me. He also said, "I want you to do what will make YOU happy, whatever that is." He told me that if moving back home will make me happy, then I should do it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He also made it clear that if we "go our separate ways", it would be OK....

 

I liked that he was open and receptive to talking. However, I didn't like some of the things he was saying, eg, "if we go our separate ways, it will be OK." REALLY? Why did we just do long distance for 2 years then? Why did we waste our time? He also said that he feels "responsible" for my happiness out here in California.... I felt better after we talked, but there are still unanswered questions and doubts in my mind. All I can really do is just wait and see how this plays out.

[hoping2heal]

Ok guys.. over the weekend, we had a long discussion. I laid everything out on the table and I was extremely honest and frank about how I am feeling.

 

To my surprise, my boyfriend was actually receptive to talking and he listened carefully as I spoke. This time, he did not shrug things off, or say "everything is fine." He seemed genuinely concerned, especially because he could probably see how upset I was and that I actually meant business this time...

 

In any case.. here's what came of the conversation: he says that he does not want to do this job forever, in fact, he doesn't really like this job that much, but he's using it as a "stepping stone" to get into better jobs. I told him that I can't live like this for too long- that I am lonely, that he's gone a lot of weekends, that we can't live a "normal" couples life... What upset me is he said, "Well, if you moved back to the east coast, I would probably start looking for a new job right away." SO basically, that's what it will take to get him to make a move.. He's too comfortable right now- he has his job, his family, AND his girlfriend in California. What would motivate him to find another job? Nothing, really, unless he loses me. He also said, "I want you to do what will make YOU happy, whatever that is." He told me that if moving back home will make me happy, then I should do it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He also made it clear that if we "go our separate ways", it would be OK....

 

I liked that he was open and receptive to talking. However, I didn't like some of the things he was saying, eg, "if we go our separate ways, it will be OK." REALLY? Why did we just do long distance for 2 years then? Why did we waste our time? He also said that he feels "responsible" for my happiness out here in California.... I felt better after we talked, but there are still unanswered questions and doubts in my mind. All I can really do is just wait and see how this plays out.

 

I know you have been having a really hard time. You mentioned that "to your surprise" he was actually receptive and listened carefully. I am not sure if it was intentional or not, but you make it sound like him doing that is a rare occasion.

 

I am glad he does not plan on doing this forever, I am glad the two of you talked. I think the answers reflect the tone of how things have been all along. He cares about you but he does not strike me as nearly as invested in this as you are. It is almost like he is just going through the motions. Like "Well, this is my girlfriend for now, so I'll do this for awhile." I would like to say that I am surprised by him telling you it would be OK if you went your seperate ways, but I am not that surprised at all considering.

 

I was kind of taken aback by the comment about the east coast however. He mentions if you moved back he would start looking for a new job right away, Okay??? Why was that not discussed prior to you uprooting your life and leaving your friends and family? Could have spared you a hell of a lot of hassle. That said, really that is good news. Now you can go home and stop being miserable there.

[LittleTiger]

All I can really do is just wait and see how this plays out.

 

Well done for talking to him Ash. It had to be done and it sounds as though you made a really good job of it. Now he knows how you are feeling.

 

What concerns me still is your tendancy to think that all you can do is 'just wait and see how this plays out'. It's not the first time you have said that.

 

I think you already know that waiting is just going to get you more of what you've already got. Your bf has even made that very clear. Unless you take action, he's going to do nothing. Your life will continue just as it is with you unhappy and him allowing it to be that way because it suits him.

 

Obviously nobody on LS can make your decisions for you but ultimately YOU are the only one that can change things. Do what's best for you Ash. Whatever action your bf takes after that will tell you whether or not you have a future.

 

I realise that you may not be able to go home immediately, if that's what you decide, but even making a decision and taking steps towards it will help you to feel more in control of your own life.

[Els]

Ok guys.. over the weekend, we had a long discussion. I laid everything out on the table and I was extremely honest and frank about how I am feeling.

 

To my surprise, my boyfriend was actually receptive to talking and he listened carefully as I spoke. This time, he did not shrug things off, or say "everything is fine." He seemed genuinely concerned, especially because he could probably see how upset I was and that I actually meant business this time...

 

I think it's great that you got everything into the open.

 

In any case.. here's what came of the conversation: he says that he does not want to do this job forever, in fact, he doesn't really like this job that much, but he's using it as a "stepping stone" to get into better jobs. I told him that I can't live like this for too long- that I am lonely, that he's gone a lot of weekends, that we can't live a "normal" couples life... What upset me is he said, "Well, if you moved back to the east coast, I would probably start looking for a new job right away." SO basically, that's what it will take to get him to make a move.. He's too comfortable right now- he has his job, his family, AND his girlfriend in California. What would motivate him to find another job? Nothing, really, unless he loses me.

 

Now, this is puzzling. He himself knows that he is trapped in that illogical train of thought... but he's still sticking to it? He realizes that he's too comfortable now, but still wants to wait for the 'motivation' to arrive before he actually gets off his butt and does something?

 

He also said, "I want you to do what will make YOU happy, whatever that is." He told me that if moving back home will make me happy, then I should do it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He also made it clear that if we "go our separate ways", it would be OK....

 

Now, there are two ways you might interpret this. The first might be that he feels that if you have a chance at a happier life without him, you should go for it and he would be okay with it. The second might be that he really just doesn't care as much and doesn't even mind breaking up. We cannot presume to guess which he meant; that's entirely your prerogative.

 

I liked that he was open and receptive to talking. However, I didn't like some of the things he was saying, eg, "if we go our separate ways, it will be OK." REALLY? Why did we just do long distance for 2 years then? Why did we waste our time? He also said that he feels "responsible" for my happiness out here in California.... I felt better after we talked, but there are still unanswered questions and doubts in my mind. All I can really do is just wait and see how this plays out.

 

Why didn't you ask him those during the talk? Or did they only occur to you after you sat and ruminated about it?

[aerogurl87]

 

What concerns me still is your tendancy to think that all you can do is 'just wait and see how this plays out'. It's not the first time you have said that.

 

I think you already know that waiting is just going to get you more of what you've already got. Your bf has even made that very clear. Unless you take action, he's going to do nothing. Your life will continue just as it is with you unhappy and him allowing it to be that way because it suits him.

 

 

This is pretty much what I was going to say. At this point I think you need to take action because from what you said that he said, it's pretty clear that unless you do something he's going to continue on this same routine because your willing to go along with it. I think now you have to start thinking about what to do to make you happy as it really doesn't sound like he's as invested in the relationship as hoping2heal mentioned. Then again he could be distancing himself a bit because he feels threatened by the fact that you may leave. It's possible, as I've done this myself in the past.

 

Either way, I wish you two the best of luck, but in the words of Katt Williams "you have to look out for your star player" and that's you.

[Ashbash11]

Hey guys-

Once again, thank you for your support and sticking through this with me. I want to explain something: when I say "My only choice is to wait and see how this plays out" I mean that that's my only choice right now, because I am enrolled in a full-time, 1 year-long internship in the public schools here, and I can't just drop that in the middle of the year. I have to wait until June 2011 before I can make any drastic changes with my life.

 

On another note, I wanted to express one more sentiment that I had not yet expressed: We did long distance for 2 years, and my moving to California was always the gold standard, the "light at the end of the tunnel," the wonderful, happy ending for us. It's really sad that things haven't worked out that way. Perhaps I romanticized it too much, who knows.. I wish there were more advice/books about AFTER the LDR is over... How to navigate living with that person, and how to make things work. As many will find, it's not all rainbows and flowers.. In our case, we have many obstacles that other people don't have, I suppose (his work schedule, etc..). I just wish that I could be one of those amazing success stories, "we defied the odds!" Wishful thinking..

[Rollercoasterr]

Ash, honey, nothing is ever all rainbows and butterflies. As much as we all want to believe that the gold light at the end of the tunnel exists, it's never really that simple. There's always going to be obstacles and there are always going to be things that try to slow you down. The trick is to be smarter, and stronger than whatever faces you.

 

For instance, Mathew and I aren't LDR anymore. We beat the odds, got the visa, got married, he has his greencard, and now we're living in wedded bliss...with my mother. When Mathew moved down here he gave up a great job, and because he hadn't applied for his greencard yet, he couldn't work. So from May until September Mathew wasn't authorized to work. He got his greencard in October and now that he can apply for any job he wants(except those that require Citizenship), he can't get a nibble on anything. At all. So basically for the past 7 months, 6 of which we've been married for, we've been living off of my part-time salary and living with my mother. He's annoyed, and I'm annoyed, but at least we're together.

 

Never, ever in my life did I think that we'd still be living with mom after this long. It was only supposed to be temporary because I didn't see a need to find a new job and move when we didnt know where he'd end up getting a job at. But we're still here. And as bad as I hate my situation and we fight over it some times, I wouldn't change it for anything. He's still my prince charming and I love him just as much as ever.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though things look grim right now, there's still always a chance. Nothing is ever perfect because real life always gets in the way. You just have to always keep looking past all the bad, icky stuff and remember why it was you came towards that shiny gold light in the first place. I know it's hard, but you also know you've got a great support system here in case you find yourself stuck or lost along the way.

[Els]

Hey guys-

Once again, thank you for your support and sticking through this with me. I want to explain something: when I say "My only choice is to wait and see how this plays out" I mean that that's my only choice right now, because I am enrolled in a full-time, 1 year-long internship in the public schools here, and I can't just drop that in the middle of the year. I have to wait until June 2011 before I can make any drastic changes with my life.

 

On another note, I wanted to express one more sentiment that I had not yet expressed: We did long distance for 2 years, and my moving to California was always the gold standard, the "light at the end of the tunnel," the wonderful, happy ending for us. It's really sad that things haven't worked out that way. Perhaps I romanticized it too much, who knows.. I wish there were more advice/books about AFTER the LDR is over... How to navigate living with that person, and how to make things work. As many will find, it's not all rainbows and flowers.. In our case, we have many obstacles that other people don't have, I suppose (his work schedule, etc..). I just wish that I could be one of those amazing success stories, "we defied the odds!" Wishful thinking..

 

{{Ash}}. I totally get what you mean re: the internship thing. I actually think it's good that you have a longer time to make your decision, as opposed to needing to do it right now.

 

As for your second paragraph, I can identify with it completely. How could something NOT be paradise after having waited for it for so long? But the laws of reality trumps this - it won't be. If being in the same area with someone you love and who loves you in return was the recipe for paradise, this forum wouldn't be so full of heartbreak and disaster. It isn't supposed to be paradise, it's just supposed to give you a chance at a proper relationship without the constraints of distance. As soon as I stopped expecting paradise and accepting that, things went a lot smoother in my R.

 

Then again, 'not being paradise' and 'being more miserable than you are before you moved' are two separate things. Honestly, the reason I stayed was partly because even though it wasn't perfect, I was still much happier here than I was before the move.

 

I am sure that by the time the year has run out, you will have everything you need to make a wise decision.

[Peppermint11]

Hi AshBash!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through difficult time right now. Moving in and of itself is a stressful event, then add in a relationship, and it makes it more difficult, especially if you moved for the other person. I don't know what part of California you are in, but the west coast is VERY different from the east coast and that can be a shock in and of itself.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years back. I moved cross country to be with the man I love BUT it was his idea, he was in graduate school and I was "paused" in my life at the time (between work and school). I lived out west for a year with him and ultimately it was the best decision I made regarding our relationship. We learned SO much about each other, ourselves and our relationship within that time. It was also one of the hardest years of my life. He was constantly at school, we're talking 12 hour days at least, almost 7 days a week. At times, I questioned why I moved out there in the first place, when we barely got to see each other.

 

For me, I ultimately decided that I was happier on the east coast and moved back for graduate school, because I knew that I needed a job/education that would make me happy and I wasn't finding it out west. If I had stayed after that year, I think I would have resented my SO and our relationship, ultimately dooming it. I'm a firm believer that people need to be happy outside of the relationship, with themselves before they are happy within their relationship.

 

My SO and I are still together, and have almost been apart for a year and a half. Thankfully, we are both graduating this summer and have decided to move to the same, agreed upon area to begin the next phase of our lives together.

 

Now, my questions for you:

A) Have you talked to your SO about how you are feeling? I found it CRITICAL to be able to talk with my SO about EVERYTHING I will feeling. The good, bad and ugly. Honestly is essential to any relationship. Thankfully, my SO was open and honest as well. It was always easy, but we were able to work through are difficulties. Is your SO receptive to your feelings? If he's not, that could be a problem for the future of your relationship.

 

B) Are you still in touch w/ friends and family back home? I found it essential to lean on older friends during my initially transition, and stayed in contact with many throughout my year sabbatical. Are there friends of his your can related? It's important to make your own friends, but don't be afraid to get to know his/ lean on his if they are available/friendly. What about his family? Are they local? Do you get along with them? Could you spend time with them?

 

C) What do you want for yourself in the future? Will his job ALWAYS be like this? If so, will you be able to tolerate it or is this a be short-term position. How do your personal goals (family, career, friends) line up with his? Are you two on the same page or is it coming out that you want different things in life?

 

D) Do you both want the same thing out of your relationship? If you want more of a "family" setting then he does right now, you may have to decide if this is the right relationship for you. If you two want the same things, he will need to acknowledge how his job is effecting your relationship and you will need to find a solution together.

 

As for getting to know other people, I would try volunteering places that interest you, book/film clubs, community sports, yoga, if you are of a religious faith, a faith community, I would simply get out there-- hopefully then meeting others with similar interests. I always found keeping myself busy as possible helped me (and still helps me) get through time apart.

 

Best of luck!

[Ashbash11]

Peppermint

Thanks for your reply! I'll try to answer all of your questions..

a) Yes, I have and I DO talk to my SO about how I am feeling. In fact, last weekend we had a lengthy discussion about how I've been feeling so far, living out here. I feel like I can tell him anything, which is nice. However, I can't always tell him exactly how I'm feeling because he feels guilty if I'm unhappy here, since I moved here to be with him, afterall. He feels responsible for my happiness.(he told me that).

 

b)Yes, of course I am in touch with friends and family back home. I talk to my close friends almost everday online and on the phone. I also talk to my parents everyday. i'm really close to everyone back home, actually. My boyfriend only has one friend here who is in med school, so he's really busy... Most of his friends moved away after college. His family lives 1 1/2 hours away, so they're not really "local." but, it's nice because his mom calls me to check in every so often.

 

c) This is a tough question.. Ok, what I really want seems impossible. I want to live close to my family/friends AND live with my boyfriend. I want to marry him, most definitely. However, I can't really see myself settling in California. I miss everything about the east coast- the people, the seasons, the charm of the cities like Boston and DC.. I miss good public transportation.. The list goes on. Yes, his job will ALWAYS be like this. Working at an observatory=working nights and a funky schedule. He told me that he doesn't want to do this job for too long, however, he hasn't taken any steps toward looking for a new job. His actions speak louder than words in this case. He already knows how I feel about his work schedule/job, so there's not much else I can do.

 

D)Yes, I think we both want the same things out of our relationship. Neither of us wants to get married right now. We are just enjoying living together and being together. I'm not concerned about wanting the same things or our goals/values, etc.. I'm more concerned about "real life" circumstances- whether or not I can find a job in CA, his work schedule, my homesickness/missing people from back home, our inability to develop a social circle (due to his schedule..).. I have many concerns for the long term.

 

Thanks for the suggestions for meeting people. I'm certainly working on it! I wanted to ask you, what made you and your SO stay together even after you moved back to the east coast? We talked about doing that, actually... I was considering moving back home next year and then we'd do long distance for a while longer until he gets a new job with more normal hours. However, when I suggested this idea, my BF just said, "well, I don't want to hold you back. I don't know how long i will have this job, and I'd want you to be able to meet someone else." *sigh*

 

D)

[Peppermint11]

Hi again AshBash,

 

For us, my SO and I decided to stay together because we saw a future together and we wanted a future together. Neither one of us wanted to end our relationship, simply because of the distance. (Though, simple is a funny word to use b/c distance is anything but!)

 

It has been a hard ride, and I won't lie, my SO and I both, at points (within the last year and a half.. since we have been LDR again) have become extremely frustrated to the point of almost ending our relationship. LDRs as you know, I'm sure... is never an "easy ride." Yet, we always come back to wanting to be together above all else. Do you and your boyfriend share this philosophy?

 

Did you ask your boyfriend why he would think that you staying together, as an LDR again, would "hold you back?" If you two want to be together, I say go for it, regardless of the distance! It's important for both parties to follow their goals/dreams/aspirations in any relationship, even if that means taking some time, physically apart!

 

Good luck!

[Ashbash11]

Peppermint, when I asked my SO, he said, "I wouldn't want to hold you back because you could meet a new guy who would make you happy." In other words, if we did long distance again, he wouldn't want to prevent me from meeting someone else. Although, I don't see it that way, but he does.. Who knows, maybe he would want to meet a new girl, too! I can't really say.

 

I want to call attention to one more issue that continues to bother me: I moved 3,000 miles to be with my boyfriend, so it's obvious the lengths that I would go to for him. However, the other day when I asked him, "if I had to take a job in another state, say, Maryland, would you move to be with ME?" He paused.. and then said, "I think I would. I'm not sure." I was shocked and outraged by this, because aren't relationships supposed to have an EQUAL amount of sacrifice, and aren't both people supposed to give for each other? If I was willing to do this to be with him, and he's not willing to move for me, isn't that a problem? I know there are logistical issues involved, (eg, can he find a good job where I live, etc..) but.... just knowing that he's not even SURE that he would do the same for me really bothers me. Just wanted to vent about that.

[Peppermint11]

AshBash-

 

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend's remarks. That would have made me mad too. Did he explain himself any further after that statement?

 

IMO, it sounds like he could not be putting all he needs to into the relationship and/or not appreciating how much you have done for him/the relationship. Did you two talk further after he made those comments to you?

 

Hang in there!

[Ashbash11]

Yeah, I have to agree that he is perhaps not putting everything he should into the relationship. We try not to discuss the future too much because we just go around in circles... He's made it clear that he will continue to have this job next year (he said it again today in conversation) and so it will be my decision, come June, about whether or not I will stay here in California, and continue to pursue a relationship with him. I have given everything I could, made my feelings/needs known, and all I can do now is just wait until my internship ends, and then make my decision.

 

Yes, we did talk further, but there's really no sense in it. As I said above, we end up just going around and around.... we never seem to reach a reasonable conclusion about our situation. I am continually frustrated by his lack of motivation to job hunt, and by his nonchalant manner... I seem to be the one who is passionate, and concerned about the future of our relationship. Maybe I am at fault for caring too much, I don't know.

[hoping2heal]

Yeah, I have to agree that he is perhaps not putting everything he should into the relationship. We try not to discuss the future too much because we just go around in circles... He's made it clear that he will continue to have this job next year (he said it again today in conversation) and so it will be my decision, come June, about whether or not I will stay here in California, and continue to pursue a relationship with him. I have given everything I could, made my feelings/needs known, and all I can do now is just wait until my internship ends, and then make my decision.

 

Yes, we did talk further, but there's really no sense in it. As I said above, we end up just going around and around.... we never seem to reach a reasonable conclusion about our situation. I am continually frustrated by his lack of motivation to job hunt, and by his nonchalant manner... I seem to be the one who is passionate, and concerned about the future of our relationship. Maybe I am at fault for caring too much, I don't know.

 

 

Taking into account not just 1 post or 2 posts but rather the lengthy chronicle you have made us privvy too, I think you have done the very best that you could and it is more than most would. No matter what happens you can't look back and say "well, maybe we would have worked if I would have just tried harder or made this sacrifice or that one."

 

Things do sound very off balanced. It does sound like you are the one who is passionate and has deep ties to this relationship, while he seems to be enjoying what is enjoyable but I have seen no evidence of any real strong conviction from his end. Call it a labor of love, I think you have put so much effort and work and made so many sacrifices for this relationship that you are afraid to let go or see it end.

 

Take the time you need to make a decision you can be okay with, maybe things will have changed drastically come June. Or, maybe by then things won't have really changed at all - and that will be what you need to realise this relationship does not meet your needs and so long as you hang onto it, you will always feel a lot of lonliness and unhappiness, despite having someone to call your boyfriend.

 

I personally think you deserve someone who is as devoted to you and cherishes and adores you as you do them. Maybe by June your boyfriend will finally start being that person.

[Ashbash11]

Thanks for your advice, hoping2heal. Sorry I've created a novel out of this.. Loveshack is the only place I can go to really discuss my situation/thoughts. Thanks again!!!

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for your advice, hoping2heal. Sorry I've created a novel out of this.. Loveshack is the only place I can go to really discuss my situation/thoughts. Thanks again!!!

 

Don't be silly, there is nothing bad or negative about you posting your heart out on here. I was making the reference only to point out that having read several posts, it helped create a more clear picture of what was taking place in your relationship. Certainly more so than what a handful of posts would have done, that is all.

 

Feel free to vent or write your little heart out!

[Ashbash11]

I know my story is already a novel on here, but I wanted to add one additional piece: It's becoming more painfully apparent just how unequal the dynamic in our relationship truly is... Here's an example of what just happened.....

 

I got my BF a flight to Florida and a gift certificate for the holidays (Spent around $250) and I have no income.... I planned way ahead and surprised him with the flight. He did not get me anything. He said that he was "too busy" and that he got "overwhelmed" with holiday shopping... BUT.. he was home ALL last week from work due to the weather, and he could have easily gone out shopping or gone online to get something. He got money from his dad as a Christmas present and he's spending it at a casino today.....He told me he wanted to wait until the "after Christmas sales" to get me something..

 

I feel like I'm the one who is always giving- moving across the country, changing my life/schedule to be with him, giving expensive gifts, thinking about and giving to him all the time.... I am a very giving, caring person and it seems that he's taking advantage sometimes. This is just another small piece of the puzzle.

[Els]

Ouch, that really sucks. Given the gift-issue in isolation I would ask you to consider another perspective, but in this case things are really adding up. What has he done in the past few months to show you that he cares?