My Mom is needy, controlling, emotional blackmail & jealous of outside attention

[Goldfish101]

Hello,

I have read this forum over the years and have always looked for advice here but this time I felt the need to reach out personally because I just do not know what to do.

 

I am 24 and I have always had a close relationship with my Mom. She separated from my dad when I was around 8, so I was always there for her and we would do fun things together like go to the zoo or watch movies and TV shows, I was her best friend. We still are very close and do lots of things together. I enjoy spending time with my Mom and I love her very much but she causes me a lot of emotional pain.

 

Instead of talking about a specific incident I will just go ahead and speak generally. It seems that any sort of outside influence that takes away my time with her becomes a threat. Anytime I want to make plans with someone she takes it personal, like I do not want to spend time with her.

When my best friend was going through a break up and I was spending a lot of time being there for her and we would go see movies etc. My Mom would call me on the phone telling me "Well when she had a boyfriend you were hardly seeing her so the only reason your there is because her boyfriend is not." It is always "Well we usually do (insert activity) together" or "I thought you enjoyed do (insert activity) with me." She tells me "the only reason (insert person) wants to see you is because they are lonely."

When the guy I am seeing and i had a fight about him seeing someone else she tells me "Well if (insert guy) decided to be with him then you would not be there."

 

My Mom and I live together and anytime I want to see the guy I am dating it becomes a problem.. Just last night she upset me before I went out saying things like "Well I was there for you when you were feeling lonely, and I am always there for everybody but nobody ever puts me first, I am just a filler. You only spend time with me when you have nobody else."

 

All these things that make no sense. Everything is so black and white..and when I tell her that she is causing me stress she says "well maybe I should just go back to FL so I am not in the way."

 

I see her everyday, we just had breakfast that morning and because I did not want to stay home with her and watch TV so she would not be alone I get all of this "You just saw him last night, I am always there for you, isn't it more important to spend time with me because I was there for you and you should not want me to be alone." She is always making me chose between her and someone else. She throws it in my face how she included the guy I am dating in plans she had with me like going to the movies etc. and gets offended when I do not do the same.

 

I have no idea what to do or say. My mom is 56, she could have a life and friends but apparently they are "not as fun as you" and "Well I guess that means we would just have our own separate lives."

 

I do everything I can to support my Mom and be there for her but she expects needs that I cant fufill and it is very much a "Well I did this for you, and I included you with my friends because I did not want you to be alone and everyone told me when you were little that you were playing me." When I was going through relationship drama she throws it up all in my face how she was "there for me and so concerned about me not being alone but now I do not need her anymore."

 

What can I say or do, she is my mother but she acts like a jealous girlfriend it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Please any advice would help, I really appreciate it thank you

Edited October 20, 2010 by Goldfish101

[turnera]

The only thing you can do is tell her the truth - that you are grown up now, and it's time for you to live like an adult, and not as the child she raised. Thank her, tell her she did a great job, but that now you need her to take the final step, to let you go and get on with her own life. If she doesn't want to, that's her choice, but you have set your boundary. Stop taking her phone calls when you're out. Stop listening to her about your boyfriend.

 

And for goodness sake, save up some money so you can move out!