redheart Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 after being best friends (and nothing more) for 3 years me & a male friend decided to become room mates. about 6 months in (even though there was no hint of anything happening previously) we got drunk and began making out. This became a regular thing soon enough, in the week we would go about our normal business and at the weekend get drunk together and make out (sometimes we'd get drunk in the week as an excuse!) after a few months of just making out, we ended up taking it further and sleeping together. it was like we were a couple in love at the weekends, but monday came around and he would be distant and we would go back to being just friends. this went on for about a year and then he left town. I was devastated and thought that was that. However we ended up continuing this cycle for pretty much the past 3 years. He got a girlfriend inbetween and we stopped talking, but he begged me to remain friends with him, said he couldn't live without me etc. I value our friendship so much i decided we could be friends again. I decided that since he was with someone else he clearly didn't love me and that was that. now he has broken up with this girlfriend and is putting the moves on me again, we kissed again the other night but i managed to stop it going any further. He always said he wanted to maintain our friendship & i am able to act like we are just friends. However its almost like he can't help himself. he says one thing and does another. I know what you are all thinking, (and you are probably right) i'm a stupid girl who is getting love & sex very confused. he probably only sleeps with me because i'm an easy target for him, and an easy ego boost. but in the back of my head i have this niggling thought, he's really truly in love with me but 'frightened' etc.! we have had the 'what's going on' conversation many times and are still not together, so i guess that answers my question really but i just wonder how he can keep coming back if he isn't interested?! it would be a scary transition to make, our lives are so intertwined and we share all the same friends (one of the reasons its so hard for me not to see him/make a clean break) has anyone experienced this before?! guys-what are your opinions? don't hold back, i can take anything you have to say! I have hope and i think maybe i need to let that hope go and just realise its not happening, and tell him not to try it with me anymore coz i am weak when it comes to him i never say no! Link to post Share on other sites
nikkir386 Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 I'm going through pretty much the same thing. And reading through your post has really put things into perspective for me. I think the problem is--we're in denial. I read your post and the first thing that came to mind is that he probably cares about you, and enjoys your friendship, but he is totally leading you on! He knows you are there and willing, and that you are attracted, but there is obviously something missing that isn't allowing things to progress into a relationship. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but if you have been friends with him for this long and he still hasn't asked you out yet, then I think you should just call it quits on this pseudo-relationship. Or, maybe he doesn't realize how much you care about/love him? But you're not alone! I am in the same boat. I have been friends with a guy for the past two years, and for 1 year we've been "dating" but not officially, and we still refer to each other as "friends" even though I've repeatedly told him that I want a relationship. Still not getting it. So, I think it's time for me to stop beating a dead horse and move on. It's really hard on my self-esteem, and confusing as hell. I always fall in love with the wrong guys. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author redheart Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 I think you are right, we need to be strong enough to move on! i think 'denial' is the best word you can use about me right now! thanks! i hope we both find the will to get out of this horrible cycle, we are only hurting ourselves, these guys won't change and we are preventing ourselves from being truly happy! my friends say i should get with someone else and check his reaction..! good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Slips715 Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Hi Redheart, As a recovering a-hole, I've gained the ability to see both sides. On one hand, you are an a-hole's dream come true, the epitome of having your cake and eating it too. In my experience, he likes you, even loves you, but not as much as he loves himself. He is keeping you around because you are his safety net which allows him to be confident with other women. Rest assured that if he finds a woman that he likes better than you (and he will), he will bail on you because he thinks he found that one that he wants to be with. This all stems from an insecurity of his and your naiveness (that's probably a word), which allows him to continue to exploit you for that sense of confidence. From a nice guy's perspective, you are why we nice guys finish last. You are holding on to this idea that he's a nice guy when you know he's an a-hole. The reason why I am more of a nice guy now is because a-holes get girls, but can't be in a sustainable relationship and I want to be in a grown-up relationship. Therefore, if you want to be in a grown-up relationship, you in fact need to grow up and stop pretending that this guy is something that he isn't. I know that it's fun, but it's child's play. Align your behavior with your goals and you will be a lot more successful with men. Sorry if I'm coming off harsh, but I think it's for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redheart Posted October 22, 2010 Author Share Posted October 22, 2010 Slips, I think what you are saying is totally fair and correct, and exactly what I need to hear, so for that I thank you! It may be a little harsh but you know what the truth sometimes is. I needed a wake up call for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 Hi Redheart, As a recovering a-hole, I've gained the ability to see both sides. On one hand, you are an a-hole's dream come true, the epitome of having your cake and eating it too. In my experience, he likes you, even loves you, but not as much as he loves himself. He is keeping you around because you are his safety net which allows him to be confident with other women. Rest assured that if he finds a woman that he likes better than you (and he will), he will bail on you because he thinks he found that one that he wants to be with. This all stems from an insecurity of his and your naiveness (that's probably a word), which allows him to continue to exploit you for that sense of confidence. From a nice guy's perspective, you are why we nice guys finish last. You are holding on to this idea that he's a nice guy when you know he's an a-hole. The reason why I am more of a nice guy now is because a-holes get girls, but can't be in a sustainable relationship and I want to be in a grown-up relationship. Therefore, if you want to be in a grown-up relationship, you in fact need to grow up and stop pretending that this guy is something that he isn't. I know that it's fun, but it's child's play. Align your behavior with your goals and you will be a lot more successful with men. Sorry if I'm coming off harsh, but I think it's for the best. Gotta be one of the BEST replies I've ever read here. Link to post Share on other sites
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