Should I believe him?

[sc58]

Soooo.....my MM called today after 6 days of NC and I answered. Probably shouldn't have, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw his number and I answered. Mostly cause I was curious about what he had to say after he had decided to "work things out" (or pretend, as he put it) with his wife. He asked me if I was willing to wait for him, that he wanted to be with me and was ready to do what was necessary to make that happen. He said that he has given up on his marriage and realizes that it won't work.

 

I told him that I don't want to be the reason for his divorce, and I would feel guilty about it. He says that it's not because of me, that he knows the marriage is over, but will "rush" the divorce if I'm going to be there for him.

 

I don't know what to do...We decided that we will continue to not see each other while he deals with his issues/ divorce, but he wants to know that I will be there at the end of it all. I love him and I do want to be with him, but am scared he's going to flip-flop again and hurt me the way he did just last week. I told him that, and while he reassures me that it won't happen again, that he made up his mind, he hurt me so bad that I'm not sure I can completely trust him. Guess I will just have to wait and see, but should I even bother?

 

I appreciate your thoughts and comments! Thanks for listening...

[Kismetly]

Soooo.....my MM called today after 6 days of NC and I answered. Probably shouldn't have, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw his number and I answered. Mostly cause I was curious about what he had to say after he had decided to "work things out" (or pretend, as he put it) with his wife. He asked me if I was willing to wait for him, that he wanted to be with me and was ready to do what was necessary to make that happen. He said that he has given up on his marriage and realizes that it won't work.

 

I told him that I don't want to be the reason for his divorce, and I would feel guilty about it. He says that it's not because of me, that he knows the marriage is over, but will "rush" the divorce if I'm going to be there for him.

 

I don't know what to do...We decided that we will continue to not see each other while he deals with his issues/ divorce, but he wants to know that I will be there at the end of it all. I love him and I do want to be with him, but am scared he's going to flip-flop again and hurt me the way he did just last week. I told him that, and while he reassures me that it won't happen again, that he made up his mind, he hurt me so bad that I'm not sure I can completely trust him. Guess I will just have to wait and see, but should I even bother?

 

I appreciate your thoughts and comments! Thanks for listening...

 

I am in absolutely no position to offer advice .... but having said that ... do you feel as though you have more clarity after your period of no-contact? What's your gut say?

 

You know in some ways we sabbotage ourselves. I've had that same "I don't want to be the reason your marriage ends" conversation and it's true - but how can we not be part of the reason if we are in the picture at all? I'm not making a judgement about that, I'm asking the question - because the thing is a marriage break up is a really big deal - and no matter how you cut it if you're around he's at best got a "get-away" plan that avoids the need for some of the pain associated with a marriage crisis. But the hard work to healing after a marriage breaks down, kind of needs to be done solo, not in the busom of another kind woman who'll look after you.

 

But you've kind of got the golden ticket don't you? I'm leaving my wife. I'll expedite the divorce if you'll be there for me.

 

I guess the question is, do you trust him?

[Carrot2000]

If his marriage is really over, if he really wants out, it shouldn't matter whether you'll be there or not. If he was serious about ending things he would rush the divorce because it would be something he needed to do for himself, not for you. Instead, he's putting the responsibility for ending his marriage on YOUR shoulders. If you said you couldn't promise that you'd wait,would he still leave his marriage? Dude wants to make sure he doesn't end up alone, that's all.

 

ETA, I don't know what state you're in or if you're even in the US, but if this guy has kids there may not be a way to rush a divorce. In some states you have to be legally separated for a year before you can even file.

 

Proceed with caution...

Edited October 20, 2010 by Carrot2000

[Star_Bright]

Hi SC,

I can so relate, as my exMM did the same thing. I too had so many torn feelings. I didn't want to be the reason he got divorced, but then I realized I WAS at least A reason for it, and I had been with him while he was married so why was I so against being with him as he left the marriage? Kind of seemed like a double standard. So I told him I would be there for him, and I was, but even though he left home, he was waffling. I think that's what happens when they decide they want to get divorced mainly to be with us, but then they hang onto the marriage because I think 1) they are really unsure what they want to do and 2) they're not sure we are really going to be there for them at the end of it all. So IMO they really DO have to want to get out of it on their own, and actually get out of it on their own, for it to really work. And only time will tell. By then you might have moved on or not. I think it's unfair for your MM to ask you to "wait" for him. How long?? Does he even give you a time period?

 

I think if it's meant to be then he will get divorced quickly for his own benefit and yours. For me I had told my exMM that I had to see that he was taking active steps to get divorced because I know it doesn't happen overnight. (There's no separation requirement/ waiting period in my state -- but of course it takes awhile for the lawsuit and settlement etc. to be wrapped up). I was tired of being a secret and wondering if he was really going to get divorced, etc. I told him that we had to be an out and out couple and that everyone, including his wife, had to know about it. (In my sitch his wife already knew about it so we didn't have the whole "whether to disclose the affair if you're leaving" debate. In my sitch he had left home w/ his wife knowing of our affair but wasn't telling her he definitely wanted a divorce and was with me. That was my requirement, plus actually filing for divorce and proceeding with it, in order for us to be together. And even THEN he could still change his mind of course, and maybe she'd take him back, but for me it was the safest way for me to protect my heart.)

 

As you may know, for me, I got tired of his waffling and he also started treating me badly (in terms of random jealous/control fits -- most of the time he treated me great but I couldn't handle those jealous times.) So for us it didn't work out. But I was glad I had stepped away and insisted on my boundaries and requirements. Otherwise he'd just keep dragging my heart around and I think your guy may too. So if I were you I would tell him not to contact you until he has FILED for divorce, moved out, told the wife it is over, and is ready to be a real, live couple with you instead of a secret affair. Any other way has too much risk of failure. If you have already moved on, well, that's his loss, but if he really wants to do that and hurries up then I doubt you will have moved on already, having loved him so much and wanting to be with him and everything. That takes time to get over, so, don't stop living your life but wait and see what he actually DOES.

 

Good luck SC!

[MorningCoffee]

Soooo.....my MM called today after 6 days of NC and I answered. Probably shouldn't have, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw his number and I answered. Mostly cause I was curious about what he had to say after he had decided to "work things out" (or pretend, as he put it) with his wife. He asked me if I was willing to wait for him, that he wanted to be with me and was ready to do what was necessary to make that happen. He said that he has given up on his marriage and realizes that it won't work.

 

I told him that I don't want to be the reason for his divorce, and I would feel guilty about it. He says that it's not because of me, that he knows the marriage is over, but will "rush" the divorce if I'm going to be there for him.

 

I don't know what to do...We decided that we will continue to not see each other while he deals with his issues/ divorce, but he wants to know that I will be there at the end of it all. I love him and I do want to be with him, but am scared he's going to flip-flop again and hurt me the way he did just last week. I told him that, and while he reassures me that it won't happen again, that he made up his mind, he hurt me so bad that I'm not sure I can completely trust him. Guess I will just have to wait and see, but should I even bother?

 

I appreciate your thoughts and comments! Thanks for listening...

 

Just yesterday you posted on another thread that you could see he was not leaving his marriage, and you sounded like you were reluctantly ready to accept that reality. Today, at least according to his words, he's done a 180 turn on you.

 

I have no experience with a partner going through divorce, but I do know well an ex-AP/MW who seemed ages ago to be on the way out of her marriage but who, years later, is still there.

 

And of course, LS is full of stories of MM who returned to their M. So, I would say, protect yourself. Do not promise to be there waiting, just let him know you are supportive.

 

Try not to "be there for him" for all the emotional ups and downs he will go through, assuming he really does divorce, 'cause he is really the one who has to go through it and deal with it, and 'cause being in the middle of it will suck all your life energy away. Maybe cautiously optimisitic? But you ought to be doing for yourself, in case like so many other guys he ends up bailing and going back to his wife.

[fooled once]

Soooo.....my MM called today after 6 days of NC and I answered. Probably shouldn't have, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw his number and I answered. Mostly cause I was curious about what he had to say after he had decided to "work things out" (or pretend, as he put it) with his wife. He asked me if I was willing to wait for him, that he wanted to be with me and was ready to do what was necessary to make that happen. He said that he has given up on his marriage and realizes that it won't work.

 

I told him that I don't want to be the reason for his divorce, and I would feel guilty about it. He says that it's not because of me, that he knows the marriage is over, but will "rush" the divorce if I'm going to be there for him.

 

I don't know what to do...We decided that we will continue to not see each other while he deals with his issues/ divorce, but he wants to know that I will be there at the end of it all. I love him and I do want to be with him, but am scared he's going to flip-flop again and hurt me the way he did just last week. I told him that, and while he reassures me that it won't happen again, that he made up his mind, he hurt me so bad that I'm not sure I can completely trust him. Guess I will just have to wait and see, but should I even bother?

 

I appreciate your thoughts and comments! Thanks for listening...

 

I was going to say exactly what Carrott said below...

 

If his marriage is really over, if he really wants out, it shouldn't matter whether you'll be there or not. If he was serious about ending things he would rush the divorce because it would be something he needed to do for himself, not for you. Instead, he's putting the responsibility for ending his marriage on YOUR shoulders. If you said you couldn't promise that you'd wait,would he still leave his marriage? Dude wants to make sure he doesn't end up alone, that's all.

 

ETA, I don't know what state you're in or if you're even in the US, but if this guy has kids there may not be a way to rush a divorce. In some states you have to be legally separated for a year before you can even file.

 

Proceed with caution...

 

Completely agree. NOW, he can always blame you for him "rushing" the divorce. Now you are the scapegoat.

 

I say bull. Either HE wants out or not. Should not be because of you. To me, his wanting you to wait means he cannot be alone - means he NEEDS a soft place to land, which in my mind equals exit affair; not a deep, loving commitment to someone else.

 

Why should you wait around? Why should YOU stop YOUR life to wait for him? I cannot get over the balls he had to say if you wait, he will divorce. That is just utter selfishness.

 

I would not wait around. Life is passing you by while he plays 'pretend' house with his wife.

[sc58]

If you said you couldn't promise that you'd wait,would he still leave his marriage? Dude wants to make sure he doesn't end up alone, that's all.

 

ETA, I don't know what state you're in or if you're even in the US, but if this guy has kids there may not be a way to rush a divorce. In some states you have to be legally separated for a year before you can even file.

 

Proceed with caution...

 

I asked him the same question. If I was not willing to wait, would you get divorced anyway? He said that he would, but wouldn't "rush" it. That there would be no point in rushing into it as it is not the best time. He would wait until after his kid graduates, which is this year.

 

In my state, you do not have to be legally separated for a year before you file. But yes, I think I will proceed with caution.

[sc58]

You know in some ways we sabbotage ourselves. I've had that same "I don't want to be the reason your marriage ends" conversation and it's true - but how can we not be part of the reason if we are in the picture at all? I'm not making a judgement about that, I'm asking the question - because the thing is a marriage break up is a really big deal - and no matter how you cut it if you're around he's at best got a "get-away" plan that avoids the need for some of the pain associated with a marriage crisis. But the hard work to healing after a marriage breaks down, kind of needs to be done solo, not in the busom of another kind woman who'll look after you.

 

But you've kind of got the golden ticket don't you? I'm leaving my wife. I'll expedite the divorce if you'll be there for me.

 

I guess the question is, do you trust him?

 

That's the thing - I don't completely trust him. He told me all this before. That he wanted to be with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and wanted to get out of his marriage, not for me, but for himself because he knew the marriage was over, etc. And then his wife gave him a guilt trip about the vows they made to each other and family and he threw me under the bus and said he had to try and work things out with his wife.

 

Now he's back to his marriage is over, it won't work out, I want to be with you. Granted, when he said he wanted to try and work things out with his wife, he did say that he still wanted to be with me and that it probably wouldn't work, but felt he owed it to her to at least try. So when I reminded him what he said to me last week, he reminded me that he never said that he didn't want to be with me or that he thought his marriage was going to work.

 

And I totally agree with you about how the healing after his marriage break up needs to be done on his own. And he agreed with that too. Which is why he was the one that said we shouldn't see each other until it is all over.

[sc58]

So IMO they really DO have to want to get out of it on their own, and actually get out of it on their own, for it to really work. And only time will tell. By then you might have moved on or not. I think it's unfair for your MM to ask you to "wait" for him. How long?? Does he even give you a time period?

 

No, he did not give me a time period. And so I have no idea how long I'm supposed to wait for...Should I ask to clarify?

[Carrot2000]

I meant to say that in some states if you have kids, you must be legally separated a year before you can file.

[jthorne]

If you are going to stay in contact with him, which it looks like that's your choice, I would encourage you to not have sex with him until papers are filed.

[sc58]

Just yesterday you posted on another thread that you could see he was not leaving his marriage, and you sounded like you were reluctantly ready to accept that reality. Today, at least according to his words, he's done a 180 turn on you.

 

I have no experience with a partner going through divorce, but I do know well an ex-AP/MW who seemed ages ago to be on the way out of her marriage but who, years later, is still there.

 

And of course, LS is full of stories of MM who returned to their M. So, I would say, protect yourself. Do not promise to be there waiting, just let him know you are supportive.

 

Try not to "be there for him" for all the emotional ups and downs he will go through, assuming he really does divorce, 'cause he is really the one who has to go through it and deal with it, and 'cause being in the middle of it will suck all your life energy away. Maybe cautiously optimisitic? But you ought to be doing for yourself, in case like so many other guys he ends up bailing and going back to his wife.

 

Yes, I am aware of the many stories here on LS where the MM goes back to the wife. Which is why I am wary of trusting him at this point and why I have posted this.

 

And I know that just yesterday I was writing that I have reluctantly accepted the fact that he will not leave his wife. I did not want to be clinging on to HOPE because that would mean I could never move on. I would always be hoping and wishing that he would leave his wife to be with me, and accepting that he never would made it easier for me to try and move on. But now that he has said this, that he's serious about getting a divorce, I don't know what to think...Cautiously optimistic is probably the right phrase.

[Carrot2000]

But now that he has said this, that he's serious about getting a divorce, I don't know what to think...Cautiously optimistic is probably the right phrase.

 

The fact that he wouldn't rush the divorce if you weren't waiting in the wings suggests that he is, in fact, not serious about getting a divorce. If he were, he'd be busy filing instead of asking you to essentially make the decision for him.

[jennie-jennie]

If you are going to stay in contact with him, which it looks like that's your choice, I would encourage you to not have sex with him until papers are filed.

 

God, that sounds boring!

[Kismetly]

That's the thing - I don't completely trust him. He told me all this before. That he wanted to be with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and wanted to get out of his marriage, not for me, but for himself because he knew the marriage was over, etc. And then his wife gave him a guilt trip about the vows they made to each other and family and he threw me under the bus and said he had to try and work things out with his wife.

 

Now he's back to his marriage is over, it won't work out, I want to be with you. Granted, when he said he wanted to try and work things out with his wife, he did say that he still wanted to be with me and that it probably wouldn't work, but felt he owed it to her to at least try. So when I reminded him what he said to me last week, he reminded me that he never said that he didn't want to be with me or that he thought his marriage was going to work.

 

And I totally agree with you about how the healing after his marriage break up needs to be done on his own. And he agreed with that too. Which is why he was the one that said we shouldn't see each other until it is all over.

 

I so empathise with what you are going through. I understand how you don't really trust him, but really want to. You hope he wouldn't mislead you or tell you a half story - but you suspect you're not hearing his authentic truth. And the bottom line here is none of us know what's really going on in his head (or in his marriage really) - only he knows that and by all accounts he's probably not at his most rational. This is a crisis for him.

 

The smart move would be .... well, you know the smart move .....

[sc58]

I say bull. Either HE wants out or not. Should not be because of you. To me, his wanting you to wait means he cannot be alone - means he NEEDS a soft place to land, which in my mind equals exit affair; not a deep, loving commitment to someone else.

 

Why should you wait around? Why should YOU stop YOUR life to wait for him? I cannot get over the balls he had to say if you wait, he will divorce. That is just utter selfishness.

 

I would not wait around. Life is passing you by while he plays 'pretend' house with his wife.

 

He didn't say that if I wait, he will divorce, he said that if I wait, he'll rush the divorce. That he's getting a divorce either way, but will rush it if I'm willing to be there for him.

 

But I do understand where you're coming from. I didn't see it as an "exit affair" until now. But he said that he has no problem living alone - that he would be fine with that. And I do believe him as he is a very independent kind of guy.

[fooled once]

I asked him the same question. If I was not willing to wait, would you get divorced anyway? He said that he would, but wouldn't "rush" it. That there would be no point in rushing into it as it is not the best time. He would wait until after his kid graduates, which is this year.

 

In my state, you do not have to be legally separated for a year before you file. But yes, I think I will proceed with caution.

 

Really sc??? Do you honestly think he is going to tell you the truth? Of course he is going to say he would get divorced. BUT the fact that he hasn't bothered to get divorced PRIOR to you speaks volumes to me. There is never a "good" time for divorce. He wants you to believe that NOW, right before the holidays, is the 'right time' to rush a divorce?

 

Are you positive of the laws regarding separation in your state? Most of the time, if there are KIDS involved, it is a year. Without kids, it can take 6 months. BUT that is non-contested divorces. If she fights it, it can drag out for years.

 

No, he did not give me a time period. And so I have no idea how long I'm supposed to wait for...Should I ask to clarify?

 

Again, why would you ask this question to him? He is going to tell you 'it won't be that long'. Why are you so willing to settle for all this? I get that you love him, but he has shown you he tries to manipulate things ..... "pretend" marriage. So he is going from wanting to 'pretend' to be married to NOW wanting to rush it?

 

I think he is blowing smoke at you to keep you waiting and supplying him with affection, sex and understanding. This is why I advocate telling him to call when he is DIVORCED and on his own. But so many worry that "if I don't stay with him every step of the way, he either won't follow through OR he will 'forget' I love him and am waiting".

 

IF you are important enough to him ... IF that is true, there wouldn't have been a pretend trying, there wouldn't be this "rushing" a divorce and he wouldn't be putting you through all this crap. What person who loves another person does this??? He knows you are hurting and he is placating you and he knows damn well if you don't wait, YOU will find someone way more deserving of your love and commitment.

 

I bet if you say that you aren't 'waiting' for him - you are going to go on with your life BUT if he were to get divorced, you would not turn away a call from him to see if you were available to DATE because I do believe that many OW do not really KNOW these guys since you don't date like singles date. Everything in an affair is more compressed and more .... not sure what the right word is. But because the affair is carried out in secret, the tension is higher (like sexual tension) and things are so entirely different in many ways than 'normal' singles dating.

 

I bet if you let yourself, you would find a single guy who is just as or even MORE special than this guy. Wouldn't you hate to find out 3 years down the road, after he finally gets divorced, that he is 'pretending' to have a relationship with you, after you have stood by him, when in reality, he found someone else? Don't wait -- go on with life and IF he really divorces, date him and see what happens.

[sc58]

If you are going to stay in contact with him, which it looks like that's your choice, I would encourage you to not have sex with him until papers are filed.

 

Well, he is the one that said that we should not see each other until everything is said and done. So although I suspect we will be in touch, just to know what's going on, we won't be seeing each other - which means no sex.

 

And I agree with Jennie - sounds rather boring:)

[fooled once]

He didn't say that if I wait, he will divorce, he said that if I wait, he'll rush the divorce. That he's getting a divorce either way, but will rush it if I'm willing to be there for him.

 

But I do understand where you're coming from. I didn't see it as an "exit affair" until now. But he said that he has no problem living alone - that he would be fine with that. And I do believe him as he is a very independent kind of guy.

 

Then let him divorce. See if he really does it. I would be willing to bet, the next excuse will be "I decided to wait until after the holidays so that the kid can have one last holiday with the family intact".

 

WHY do you have to be willing to be there for him to rush it? That is what I am asking. Why can't he 'rush it' because that is best? Again, he is using YOU to make his decisions for him.

[sc58]

Then let him divorce. See if he really does it. I would be willing to bet, the next excuse will be "I decided to wait until after the holidays so that the kid can have one last holiday with the family intact".

 

WHY do you have to be willing to be there for him to rush it? That is what I am asking. Why can't he 'rush it' because that is best? Again, he is using YOU to make his decisions for him.

 

I never thought about that. I don't know why he can't just "rush it" because it is best for him....

 

Thanks so much for your advice, and it has really made me think about things. From the way he said it, he sounded so sure, but now I'M not so sure if he was serious.

 

I think I probably won't wait around, and I'll take your advice and tell him that while I won't wait for him, he is welcome to call me if/when he is divorced. And I do know that I can find someone else, as all this time, everyone thought I was single and tried to set me up on dates with some really good guys. But I always turned them down because of my MM...Anyways, I guess only time will tell if he means what he says.

 

Thank you everyone for listening and for your thoughts and advice!

[jennie-jennie]

He's telling you that he would prefer to divorce when his child graduates, but if you want to he will rush the divorce. I see nothing wrong with that. He is prepared to listen to your wishes, that is what it is.

[Carrot2000]

He's telling you that he would prefer to divorce when his child graduates, but if you want to he will rush the divorce. I see nothing wrong with that. He is prepared to listen to your wishes, that is what it is.

 

He should rush the divorce whether she wants it or not; the divorce is for him, not SC. If he'd prefer to wait until his child graduates, he should wait until after his child graduates instead blowing smoke up her butt and putting the burden of his decision on her shoulders.

 

This man is too much of a punk to make a choice and take responsibility for his decision. He's leaving his decision to divorce sooner than later to her and will probably blame her if things start to go wrong.

[jennie-jennie]

He should rush the divorce whether she wants it or not; the divorce is for him, not SC. If he'd prefer to wait until his child graduates, he should wait until after his child graduates instead blowing smoke up her butt and putting the burden of his decision on her shoulders.

 

This man is too much of a punk to make a choice and take responsibility for his decision. He's leaving his decision to divorce sooner than later to her and will probably blame her if things start to go wrong.

 

Don't you guys ever discuss things with your partners?

[Carrot2000]

Don't you guys ever discuss things with your partners?

 

His wife is his partner. Using your line of reasoning he should be discussing desire for a quickie divorce with his wife, not SC. Especially since the wife is the one who ultimately has to agree to rush the divorce.

 

And for the record, this is America; ain't no such thing as a "rush" divorce when there are children, property, and lawyers involved.

[sc58]

Honestly, what I see is that he WILL probably tell the W he wants a D and she'll talk him into waiting until this graduation is over. You'll hear from him that it's the least he can do for his child.

 

So I talked to him again and he says that he has talked to his W, and as you suggested, she does not want to get a D at this time. He says he needs to at least wait until the holidays are over. We have decided not to talk to or see each other until that time.

 

I guess I will just have to wait and see if all his talk will come to fruition the next time we see each other. Until then, I plan to live my life, go out with my friends, and while not necessarily WAIT for him, not date anyone else either. I do not think I am ready to date at this time anyway, although he has told me that if I wanted to, I can date other people, but he wouldn't be thrilled about it. That it would be hypocritical of him to say that I can't while he's still with his W.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd share my update with you all, and thanks again for all your comments and advice! I really appreciate it.