Should I believe him?

[jj33]

No offense taken I hope you are OK

[Carrot2000]

I hope the viewpoints here don't cause you confusion...I'm just bringing up things to consider and keep in mind in case MM's words and deeds become inconsistent. Use this knowledge to call him on his shizzit if he starts to flip flop. Don't just take him at his word wholesale, that's all. At least not until he proves that he's serious about moving his life with you forward.

[Minnie09]

I can't believe he wants to treat his wife poorly, in order to make her agree to a D. It's not that I don't think anybody has ever done that, but it's so unfair to her. How can you still respect that man? If he truly does that to her, he might be one of those who has never been and will never be capable of making major decision in his life for himself. That's not only sad, it's also something you don't want to put up with; not as an AP, not in an official R, never!

That's a cowardly strategy for him to pursue.

If he doesn't want to rush into things, as he claims, he should tell her calmly and in a respectful way that he wants a D, and then he can file. Now. The proceedings will take time anyhow. Nothing will be decided tomorrow if he files today. But he doesn't even have an attorney. That would scare the hell out of me.

I would talk to that guy and tell him that I totally disapprove of his cowardly plans and his manipulation tactics.

I would even be reluctant to believe he has mentioned D to her before, as he says. Be careful!

[sc58]

I would talk to that guy and tell him that I totally disapprove of his cowardly plans and his manipulation tactics.

I would even be reluctant to believe he has mentioned D to her before, as he says. Be careful!

 

The things is, I don't want to feel like I'm pushing him to get a divorce. I have never, EVER asked him to leave his wife. HE was the one that brought it up in the first place. So if I tell him to just tell her he wants a divorce, then it's like I'M the one telling him to get a divorce...does that make sense?

 

I don't really approve of it, and I have told him that but I also feel that it's not my place to say anything...

[fooled once]

I never thought about that. I don't know why he can't just "rush it" because it is best for him....

 

Thanks so much for your advice, and it has really made me think about things. From the way he said it, he sounded so sure, but now I'M not so sure if he was serious.

 

I think I probably won't wait around, and I'll take your advice and tell him that while I won't wait for him, he is welcome to call me if/when he is divorced. And I do know that I can find someone else, as all this time, everyone thought I was single and tried to set me up on dates with some really good guys. But I always turned them down because of my MM...Anyways, I guess only time will tell if he means what he says.

 

Thank you everyone for listening and for your thoughts and advice!

 

I just don't want to see you hurt AGAIN by his selfishness. It isn't about not wanting to see you happy -- I am all for loving, committed relationships

 

Stop turning down dates. Start LIVING your life. STOP waiting for him.

 

So I talked to him again and he says that he has talked to his W, and as you suggested, she does not want to get a D at this time. He says he needs to at least wait until the holidays are over. We have decided not to talk to or see each other until that time.

 

I guess I will just have to wait and see if all his talk will come to fruition the next time we see each other. Until then, I plan to live my life, go out with my friends, and while not necessarily WAIT for him, not date anyone else either. I do not think I am ready to date at this time anyway, although he has told me that if I wanted to, I can date other people, but he wouldn't be thrilled about it. That it would be hypocritical of him to say that I can't while he's still with his W.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd share my update with you all, and thanks again for all your comments and advice! I really appreciate it.

 

Again "he says" he talked to her. You have no proof he did. You have go to by his word, the word of a guy who was going to "pretend" to his wife that he is happily married.

 

I am glad you decided to NOT get 'updates' from him. His word is NOT the same as ACTION. The very fact that he hasn't consulted an attorney is a red flag to me.

 

He is staying married through AT LEAST the holidays. They are going to share another Christmas together with their child. They are going to create even more memories.

 

So he says the kid graduates this year. So what. What I am getting at is so what if the kid graduates HS. What does that mean? Does that mean that he doesn't have to be a dad anymore? Does it mean he doesn't have to pay child support since his child will be 18? I never understand why people say they will leave after the kid graduates. To ME, that is just another stalling tactic.

 

 

This is a man being puppeted by his wife. Your wants and wishes are disregarded. How your holidays will be alone are irrelevant. He doesn't deserve a second thought or for you to wait around for even a minute. That should have been enough for you to say F off then.

 

How is he puppeted by his wife? Because his wife supposedly said "after the holidays"?

 

Divorces can take some time once they're underway, but here's the deal...from the time I decided I wanted a D to the D being filed at the courthouse was FOUR days.

 

What took time was actually deciding I wanted the D.

 

I decided on a Saturday I wanted a divorce, called an attorney on Monday, met with her on Wednesday and got the paperwork going. Told my now exH on Wednesday that I wanted a divorce. I was jobless, had a 6 year old and we had just bought a brand new house. The divorce was final 1 year and 4 months later ... and he didn't contest anything of any importance. He didn't want the divorce, but he didn't fight it.

 

No, he has not consulted an attorney. And I understand that he can go ahead and start the divorce proceeding and serve his wife, but he doesn't want to do that. He wants it to be a mutual decision so that it will be a smoother and more amicable process. I have never been married, but I can't see myself just filing for divorce and serving my husband the papers when he doesn't want it. That sounds pretty harsh, too.

 

Anyway, I have no idea what goes on during a divorce, so I can't really say anything. I do want to believe him, but I am being skeptical about it. Thanks for your comments!

 

Why can't you see yourself doing that? Are you implying the other spouse must agree to it? Are you saying if your spouse, who you didn't love, told you "I don't want a divorce" then you would stay married? Umm....what if the MM has your same belief? Maybe he will decide since she doesn't want it, he won't do it

 

I know you want to believe him (his words). Wait until you see actions and movement forward. I just hope and pray that between now and when he contacts you again, you start dating and find someone else. I would hate to see you put your life on hold for another year (at least) while he s.l.o.w.l.y inches towards a separation. Let's pretend his child finds out that dad wants a divorce, and child asks dad to not divorce mom .... then what? Do you go back to being the secret mistress?

 

I think it is harder to be 'waiting' when the MM is geographically close, and see him regularly. When the MM is a plane ride away, to ME, it is totally different than a relationship where both parties are local. Long distance vs close affairs are totally different IMHO.

 

Good luck and like I said, I hope you find someone else who wants YOU fulltime and you don't have to wait around for a 'maybe'.

[2sunny]

The things is, I don't want to feel like I'm pushing him to get a divorce. I have never, EVER asked him to leave his wife. HE was the one that brought it up in the first place. So if I tell him to just tell her he wants a divorce, then it's like I'M the one telling him to get a divorce...does that make sense?

 

I don't really approve of it, and I have told him that but I also feel that it's not my place to say anything...

 

that is exactly why it's better if you stay completely out of it until his divorce is final.

 

ending his marriage is HIS business.

 

what he does after that could involve you - if he gets divorced.

 

when it's final... then tell him to call you - because then and only then will you have something to consider - when he is free to date you without his commitment to his M.

[jennie-jennie]

I think it is harder to be 'waiting' when the MM is geographically close, and see him regularly. When the MM is a plane ride away, to ME, it is totally different than a relationship where both parties are local. Long distance vs close affairs are totally different IMHO.

 

Well, you got that wrong. The long distance is harder to endure than being the other woman. And the dynamics of an extramarital affair are exactly the same whether you are close or long distance.

[spice4life]

when it comes to divorce, it depends on the people involved; it could be easy or difficult. In my case, it took me a while to make the decision to do it. But, once I decided to do it, I filed three days later and never looked back.

 

If I were you I would live your life regardless of what he is doing. I don't mean, go out and date (although that wouldn't be wrong either), I mean live and do things that make you happy. Be yourself and try to have fun. Enjoy your friends and family. If he is serious about you this will make him respect you all the more. He will also get the message that life will go on whether he is there or not. And hopefully, he will want to jump onto your train and ride along with you.

 

In a way, if he is serious about you, he is doing the right thing by going NC so he can resolve his issues. Hopefully it means that he doesn't want to drag you into the drama. In order for him to be fully present and there for you, he needs work this stuff out so he can put it behind him. If he doesn't then there is a chance it will spill over into your relationship.

 

So, I say, live your life according to what makes YOU happy. If you don't want to date others right now there is no harm in that. However, he needs to know that you will not wait around forever and there is always the chance if he waits too long, someone else could come in and sweep you off your feet. I wouldn't shove that in his face; he will know if you are out living your life it could happen. It sends the message that he can't string you along forever.

 

I am a firm believer in giving people their space to detach from a relationship. It is so necessary. It gives them a chance to get to a good place with their decision. If it is meant to be, he will do what he says and will come looking for you. Definitely live your life in the meantime though.

 

Good luck! I know it's hard, but if it is right it will happen.

Edited October 23, 2010 by spice4life

[FanFan]

The things is, I don't want to feel like I'm pushing him to get a divorce. I have never, EVER asked him to leave his wife. HE was the one that brought it up in the first place. So if I tell him to just tell her he wants a divorce, then it's like I'M the one telling him to get a divorce...does that make sense?

 

I don't really approve of it, and I have told him that but I also feel that it's not my place to say anything...

 

 

It doesn't matter if you tell him to get a divorce or not, the fact remains that you're sleeping with someone's husband and thus you're the mistress. You will be the reason that he leave his marriage and family and thus, you're responsible for breaking that family.

[Katharin Clifton]

If his marriage is really over, if he really wants out, it shouldn't matter whether you'll be there or not. If he was serious about ending things he would rush the divorce because it would be something he needed to do for himself, not for you. Instead, he's putting the responsibility for ending his marriage on YOUR shoulders. If you said you couldn't promise that you'd wait,would he still leave his marriage? Dude wants to make sure he doesn't end up alone, that's all.

Proceed with caution...

 

A real grown up should be able to make major life-changing decisions on his own. Your MM is wrong to place the responsibility for ending his marriage on your shoulders.

 

You sure you want to devote your life to such a guy?

 

I recently ended my affair with a MM. It took me a while to see things as they really are. Our feelings for them cloud our judgements a great deal. You really should move on. Try. You deserve it, my dear.

[SunsetRed]

I've said it before, 99% of these men will NEVER show up on our door steps with divorce papers in their hands. We've got to move on and live our lives and act as if they don't exist and are 0% an option.

 

A lot of us met our guys when they were separated and many of us have experienced the guy going back to the wife just before the divorce was to be finalized. It doesn't matter why they went back, they just did and they chose another option over us.

 

It's weird though, with the divorce rate in this country being 50%, it seems that some separated men must be getting divorced...sadly for us, our guys don't fall into those statistics. We've got to accept it and move on, otherwise we'll be trapped in this miserable on again off again BS.

 

I like the quote that someone on here has, Recipe to be miserable..Find the one thing in life you can't have, and pine for it.

 

That quote woke me up, as I do have plenty of other things in my life that I can and do have, so I'm going to focus on those things.

[jennie-jennie]

I've said it before, 99% of these men will NEVER show up on our door steps with divorce papers in their hands. We've got to move on and live our lives and act as if they don't exist and are 0% an option.

 

A lot of us met our guys when they were separated and many of us have experienced the guy going back to the wife just before the divorce was to be finalized. It doesn't matter why they went back, they just did and they chose another option over us.

 

It's weird though, with the divorce rate in this country being 50%, it seems that some separated men must be getting divorced...sadly for us, our guys don't fall into those statistics. We've got to accept it and move on, otherwise we'll be trapped in this miserable on again off again BS.

 

I like the quote that someone on here has, Recipe to be miserable..Find the one thing in life you can't have, and pine for it.

 

That quote woke me up, as I do have plenty of other things in my life that I can and do have, so I'm going to focus on those things.

 

And on what study are you basing this percentage? As far as I have been able to find out there are no studies available on this topic.