Whipple Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Hey guys, I think I'm going through my worst stages of coping right now. My boyfriend broke up with me earlier this year. I loved him so much, we clicked, we had so much in common, and he was wonderful. But one day he just faded away.... I later found out that he was a commitment-phobe. I should have known because there were some red flags but I was too blind... But despite the fact that he was a jerk in the end, he was still attractive, funny, very intelligent, enjoyed lots of the same stuff I did, and just really understood me. For that I loved him so much. However, I would not take him back if he wanted to get back together because I know it wouldn't work out. But the thing is that whenever I meet some new guys, it just doesn't feel right. I think some of them are attractive and nice but it's just bleh. I keep comparing them to my ex and they always fall short. You know, I just don't give a s*** about them. I don't doubt that I'll eventually find a guy that will love me. My concern is that I'll never love any guy as much as I loved my ex I don't even feel like dating anymore because it's just hopeless. I can't love. It's like I gave my ex all of my love and I don't have any left inside. I've been through breakups before in the past and I do remember going through a stage like this, but never this intense It's hopeless and I really do think that I ran out of love Anyone have any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 You'd probably feel the same about those guys if your ex wouldn't have been in your life... it's nothing to do with him... he was so special and common like any other guy... We tend to adore and desire that which is out of reach... if you were with him, maybe by now you'd be bored and looking for ways to break with him... it's break up and rejection what makes us to obsess about people... time to take him down the pedestal you have built for him! Link to post Share on other sites
Idalis Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 You'd probably feel the same about those guys if your ex wouldn't have been in your life... it's nothing to do with him... he was so special and common like any other guy... We tend to adore and desire that which is out of reach... if you were with him, maybe by now you'd be bored and looking for ways to break with him... it's break up and rejection what makes us to obsess about people... time to take him down the pedestal you have built for him! ^great advice!! You are just idealizing him now b/c he is not with you. The sentence you said about having given him all the love you had SO reminds me of my bad break up I had several years ago. I've since met someone else that I love and no, its not the same, its BETTER. Dont rush yourself in to finding someone new just yet, you will know when you're ready, and everyone heals on their own timeline. Link to post Share on other sites
valpre Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 ... I later found out that he was a commitment-phobe. I should have known because there were some red flags but I was too blind... But despite the fact that he was a jerk in the end, he was still attractive, funny, very intelligent, enjoyed lots of the same stuff I did, and just really understood me. For that I loved him so much. I've been in this situation before. I felt so connected to my CP the same way you do to yours, i.e he understood me, same interests, attractive, funny, intelligent ect. Thought I'd never meet someone better, or more suited to me. But, I realised that there was one major aspect lacking in our compatibility - his ability to truly love me. I now look at him in a totally different light, he is not as amazing as I though he was. Hang in there, when you're ready, a better prince will come along. Link to post Share on other sites
rebeccajones Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 I've been in this situation before. I felt so connected to my CP the same way you do to yours, i.e he understood me, same interests, attractive, funny, intelligent ect. Thought I'd never meet someone better, or more suited to me. But, I realised that there was one major aspect lacking in our compatibility - his ability to truly love me. I now look at him in a totally different light, he is not as amazing as I though he was. Hang in there, when you're ready, a better prince will come along. I dig that. I want someone who loves me and wants to make me happy and wants to be with me and is committed to me and will work with me and forgive me. I don't want to be in love with them if they can't, what's the point? I do know how you feel though, I may be dating again soon. There's got to be someone that can make us change our mind or someone that we will give a chance. Maybe just a little more time and you will get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 I've been feeling this way lately as well. I really thought my ex girlfriend was the one. I honestly can say that I didn't really know what love was until I was with her. Now that she's gone I can't see myself having that same spark with anyone else. I'm also doubful that I'll be able to put myself into a future relationship like I did the last one. i guess time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 It's all the same thing, u feel this way now and ull feel the same way with the next person, nothing changes but the characters....move on and no contact, no point dwelling. Yeah it's tough, but life continues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whipple Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 You'd probably feel the same about those guys if your ex wouldn't have been in your life... it's nothing to do with him... he was so special and common like any other guy... We tend to adore and desire that which is out of reach... if you were with him, maybe by now you'd be bored and looking for ways to break with him... it's break up and rejection what makes us to obsess about people... time to take him down the pedestal you have built for him!I don't know how to get him off the damn pedestal! It doesn't help that despite him running away from the relationship that he was a lot better than my exes. Like I said, I wouldn't take him back even if he returned with $1000 taped all over his body. I just want my next guy to have everything that he was except for the commitment issues. ^great advice!! You are just idealizing him now b/c he is not with you. The sentence you said about having given him all the love you had SO reminds me of my bad break up I had several years ago. I've since met someone else that I love and no, its not the same, its BETTER. Dont rush yourself in to finding someone new just yet, you will know when you're ready, and everyone heals on their own timeline.I'm glad that things worked out for you! Gives me some hope... I've been in this situation before. I felt so connected to my CP the same way you do to yours, i.e he understood me, same interests, attractive, funny, intelligent ect. Thought I'd never meet someone better, or more suited to me. But, I realised that there was one major aspect lacking in our compatibility - his ability to truly love me. I now look at him in a totally different light, he is not as amazing as I though he was. Hang in there, when you're ready, a better prince will come along.How will I know that I'm ready? I thought I was ready right now... I want to date and I want to find someone to love and vice versa, but I just don't have it in me. Am I still grieving? God, I'm sick of this! I dig that. I want someone who loves me and wants to make me happy and wants to be with me and is committed to me and will work with me and forgive me. I don't want to be in love with them if they can't, what's the point? I do know how you feel though, I may be dating again soon. There's got to be someone that can make us change our mind or someone that we will give a chance. Maybe just a little more time and you will get there.Yeah, I want all that too. At first I didn't like my ex but I gave him a chance and a great thing blossomed from that. I don't even know when to give someone a chance now. Maybe I should have given those guys a chance. I JUST DON'T KNOW I've been feeling this way lately as well. I really thought my ex girlfriend was the one. I honestly can say that I didn't really know what love was until I was with her. Now that she's gone I can't see myself having that same spark with anyone else. I'm also doubful that I'll be able to put myself into a future relationship like I did the last one. i guess time will tell.I hear ya. Aside from not committing, this guy really set the bar for what I want in someone. My instincts told me that the last guy was for me but obviously those instincts were wrong. Now I can't trust my ability to judge men. It's all the same thing, u feel this way now and ull feel the same way with the next person, nothing changes but the characters....move on and no contact, no point dwelling. Yeah it's tough, but life continues.I am doing no contact and I thought I moved on. It feels like I've moved on. But I'm just empty inside. I earnestly want to love again. Maybe I'm just doomed to be one of those people who are single forever. Maybe that's why they are single. They ran out of love. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 You will. And you will even more intensely. It's life. None of us are that lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
valpre Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 There is no rush, trust the process of life. If you don't have it in you to go out and date, then just accept that this is where you are right now - some time for you, some time to be single, some time to reflect - nothing wrong with that! I promise you that you won't feel like this forever. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 you don't love two people the same way ever, no matter how deeply you feel for them. I think the important thing that people tend to forget is that they have the capacity to love ... instead, they get wrapped up in believing that because they loved X a certain way, love itself could never ever happen again. And I guarantee you, you're going to meet someone who'll blow your original definition of "love" out of the water because you'll experience it more fully. so stop bashing yourself, kiddo – and keep your mind & heart open to the endless possibilities! Link to post Share on other sites
alittlejaded Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 I think it is ok to keep someone in your heart, but be careful that you aren't cluttering space that is truly meant for someone else. I have loved only one person my entire life, but am not open to the idea that there is someone out there that is better suited for me. Hopefully, when that time comes, I will recognize it and appreciate him for all that he has to offer. I am willing to create that space, and I hope you are, too. Link to post Share on other sites
shayan Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 honestly. In my humble opinion, you only truly love the person you spend the rest of your life with. Everything before that couldn't be true becuase it didn't last, and love is too powerful to be shortlived. You will love someone new. I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 honestly. In my humble opinion, you only truly love the person you spend the rest of your life with. Everything before that couldn't be true becuase it didn't last, and love is too powerful to be shortlived. You will love someone new. I promise. I can't agree. I found "the one" , I know in my soul she was it. And I couldn't make it work. For most people , you are correct, "you will love someone new," But for me, love is gone forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whipple Posted October 22, 2010 Author Share Posted October 22, 2010 honestly. In my humble opinion, you only truly love the person you spend the rest of your life with. Everything before that couldn't be true becuase it didn't last, and love is too powerful to be shortlived. You will love someone new. I promise.That's what my mom always tells me, but I'm going to play devil's advocate. Let's say I happen to meet a guy that I truly love and we get married. One day, he dies in a car accident. Then what happens?? I'm obviously not spending the rest of my life with him. If I meet a new guy as a widow, would I never be able to truly love him because I already truly loved my dead husband? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 my personal theory? That every bit of romantic love you experience in a relationship brings you once step closer to the love you're meant to have. Sometimes you get lucky and your happy-ever-after is with the person you've chosen to make a life with and y'all are together til death; sometimes, that relationship is part of the journey toward your intended love. And somehow, that keeps you open to the possibility of loving more than just one person, one way ... Link to post Share on other sites
Nkognito Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 my personal theory? That every bit of romantic love you experience in a relationship brings you once step closer to the love you're meant to have. Sometimes you get lucky and your happy-ever-after is with the person you've chosen to make a life with and y'all are together til death; sometimes, that relationship is part of the journey toward your intended love. And somehow, that keeps you open to the possibility of loving more than just one person, one way ... That is a very positive way to look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
xinchao123 Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 I can't agree. I found "the one" , I know in my soul she was it. And I couldn't make it work. For most people , you are correct, "you will love someone new," But for me, love is gone forever. In 10 years time when you look at this you will just out loud lol how can you be so sure man ? I agree with the previous post, every step you're taking is leading you to your true love. if it was the love of your life how come it ended ? Ask yourself. I IMO believe break ups are for the best (i'm enjoying the single life right now hehe) If a real love come to an end b/c of the death of spouse, I'd say life goes on. IDK how to express my feeling correctly but have you watched "PS. I love you" ? Link to post Share on other sites
shayan Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 skydive addict if you truly love yourself it will become an impossibility to be lost forever because someone once upon a time left you. I think the fact that you are so morbid about your loss has to do more with how you feel about yourself being alone, then your ex. My advice work on loving yourself and you will find that loving others romantically will become natural to you. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 That's what my mom always tells me, but I'm going to play devil's advocate. Let's say I happen to meet a guy that I truly love and we get married. One day, he dies in a car accident. Then what happens?? I'm obviously not spending the rest of my life with him. If I meet a new guy as a widow, would I never be able to truly love him because I already truly loved my dead husband? No, you could love someone else again because that first love no longer exists. It's the rejection by some one you truly love that matters. That's what causes the damage. But sometimes death does the same thing. Point in fact: my mother died 30 years ago and my father never remarried. He has never even dated since then. Not once. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 In 10 years time when you look at this you will just out loud lol how can you be so sure man ? Cause I know in my soul what I lost. I assure you I will not be laughing. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 (edited) My advice work on loving yourself and you will find that loving others romantically will become natural to you. That's great advice, and in the past romantic love always came naturally to me. But abandonment and war can leave scars that will never, ever heal. Those aren't just my own thoughts, but what I have been told by several psychiatrists. (to be fair, not "several", just two). Edited October 23, 2010 by skydiveaddict Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Nope. I wasn't laughing ten years ago. I'm not laughing now. That is why Sky and I are spearheading the LS cross-country motorcycle tour. Coming your way in 2016! Sounds good to me Link to post Share on other sites
dng Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Someone said you love each person differently and that is the absolute answer here. When I was 24 I fell head over heels for a women and I discovered was true love was. It only lasted for 2 years and she left me, we tried but couldnt make it work. I was hurting bad for a good year, and then another year went by with me thinking of her and of how I could never replace her. Well I was right, I never did but I ended loving someone else very deeply for another 8 or 9 years. That person was model beautiful, 7 years younger that me and nicer in every way but I never loved her the same way as I did the first one. One big difference is that she truely loved me back and we made it work for a long time. Even now that she's been gone for 4 months, she emailed me today to tell me how sorry she was that it ended, that she really messed up, has regrets, hopes I can one day forgive her. She's making amends, I know she doesnt really wants to come back, but still her love and niceness is showing up. tl;dr: you can love again, but don't expect you can replace anyone, you can't. It will be different in every way. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I don't know how to get him off the damn pedestal! It doesn't help that despite him running away from the relationship that he was a lot better than my exes. Like I said, I wouldn't take him back even if he returned with $1000 taped all over his body. I just want my next guy to have everything that he was except for the commitment issues The question you should be asking yourself why do you pick such poor choices and what you need to do to start attracting a better breed. Link to post Share on other sites
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