i died today

[steelknife]

ouch. ouch.ouch.

i died. i just did. i did.. it is like someone grabbed my heart thru my ribcage and twisted it.

 

 

ive been reading the post here to help me get thru. my xmm of 24 mos dumped me two weeks ago because of dday. the BS rang me and told me to leave her husband. and thats it. he left with out saying goodbye. it was very hard for me but i guess it just went with the territory. i put on a brave face and tried so hard, up to now, still struggling to get on with life. i believed he loved me. like all ow, he made me feel important. he sneaked out and do just about anything, just so he can call me for 4 or 5 min. i knew he didnt ever have any plans to leave his family. but i knew he love me. and i believed taht.

 

i felt and he did too, that we were soulmates, we talked about so many things and he talked many times a day when he is at work. he kept calling me.

 

he hasnt rung me to explain or say sorry or say goodbye. it hurt but i tried so hard to accept it. then today, i saw photos of them together. the BS made sure it is posted in his profile( he and i are friends. she and i are not) with the dates of when the photo was taken (just a mere 5 days after dday) and it just killed me.it did. i just died from the pain...

 

im used to seeing photos of them like this. when we were still together i would look at their family outing and although i feel a tinge of envy and jealous, it was not as bad as today.

 

today, i felt like a wet dishrag. not worthty of a second look. and the BS just rubbed it in more. i looked at him smiling and hugging the BS and i cant believe it is the way it is. did i not mean anything at all to him??? here i am mopping around so hurt and in pain. and he goes out with the BS just mere 5 days after his and my world fell apart and went on as if nothing happened....? is this for real????

 

i havent gotten over the dday. nor the dumping. now, theyve moved on. and he...? just like that? i thought i meant the world to him? i never asked him to leave his family. but i never thought he can do this to me when i thought i meant so much to him. looking at the photos opened a lot of hurt, pain and humiliation for me. i know i can never compete with the family,they will always mean more and ive accepted that. but the way i am treated now is like, im the leper, i was the tease. it was my fault. and the xmm couldnt even be bothered to tell it is over. if i meant to him like what he told me, it shouldnt just end this way..but ive accepted that this is how it is..

 

i never intended to break their marriage. and obviously, they are fixing it. i love him dearly and in doing so, i love his family. i know waht they are up to, the kids in school. what they are doing. and ill do anything for him. but now, where does this put me? nowhere i know. but it hurts so bad i dunno how to start again. ive tried to contain my emotions since dday. ive full of anger and pain. i dont deserved to be dumped just like this, we shared so many things and i believed when he told me what i meant to him. did i live in a lie for two years????? was it all a lie???? all those times he was bending backward to accommodate me in his life, was it a lie? all the things he did to keep me from leaving him. coming to see me in a diff suburb, risking so many things just to be with me, just like this?

 

suddenly there is nothing tangible to hold on to. he never belonged to me but for a while, he made me believe there was really me and him. he was a constant presence in my life and the phone call are regular and predictable. he would call me as soon as he leaves for work, and more thereafter, until he goes home. on the dot, might be late, but always with in the expected time. and he never failed. but now, ive trying so hard to live with the fact that those call will never happen again. im trying so hard to accept that it is ending this way. and i feel so humiliated and hurt i dunno where or how to begin to explain how it feels.

 

 

i just died today . really. the dday almost killed me. but today, i died.

and yes i deleted my social website.

[steelknife]

and the captions in their lovey dovey pic i felt, was really directed at me.

it hurts so much i really died.

[Idalis]

wow. You're story made me kinda sad. There is no one who deserves to be treated like this, no one! I've never been an OW (it would drive me crazy) so I don't know too much where you're coming from in regards to that, so I hope I don't antagonize you more by replying but I really do feel for you. Your heartache comes through in your post. What I do know is that you will make it out of this okay, in time.

 

What I've come to realize is that regardless of time spent no one really owes you anything, it sucks but its true. So you need to stop expecting anything from him and move on with your own life. It sounds like just your world fell apart, and he has his little world to settle right back in to. Please, just stay away from him. I'm glad you deleted your site and will not torment you with those pictures anymore. Obviously his wife has a huge control on his life, and rightly so, as he has given her that right.

 

I honestly think you have something to gain in this situation. You are the single one who can walk away from the mess, and hopefully reflect on what you want for yourself in terms of a real relationship.

 

Take it day by day

[KarmasTestDummy]

Hon, I completely understand. Just after his d-day bs did something very similar to me. She contacted me to ask my association with her husband, which I denied at his request. Then she updated her profile picture to one they took at a recent party, and then 2 days after I gave him the final goodbye she made her profile public and posted about her and hubby going out on date night to see a movie (a movie in fact he had been trying to get me to go to, so I know it was his idea to go). It does hurt like you wouldn't believe. My mistake number one was in that overwhelming need to keep tabs on them, but she knew I was watching...of course she did or she wouldn't have been so deliberate to make sure I saw it all. The only solace is that it is a facade. You know the truth. All is not well in their happy ever after and that is what she (or him) is trying to portray. She can think she has the last laugh, but it would destroy her world just as quickly if there was retaliation on our parts to post pics of us together...maybe mms her explicit videos or intimate text conversations. We could play ugly, but you don't have to because you know the truth, and so does she. It would be pointless to sink to that level.

Know what you already knew, he is trying to salvage his marriage. With that comes some butt kissing, which includes taking her out or spending quality time with her again to make her feel better. It's a must, and he's playing the part any ws would after recommitting.

THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU MEANT NOTHING OR THAT 2 YEARS WAS ALL LIES. you have those moments with him too...and you know he shared them with you because he wanted to, not out of obligation or in the midst of reconciliation. It hurts, it bloody hurts like heck but you can't read into it for more than what it is. A pic of them does not equal the happy ever after that is tearing you up and making you feel like curling up in a corner and just dieing. Pick yourself up by the bootstrap, dust yourself off, remember the good times, allow yourself to grieve the end, be angry at his cowardice, then silently wish him well and proceed to LIVE! you're a beautiful young woman with a huge loving heart of gold. Don't allow anyone the right to stomp on it. You have friends who understand and are here for you, if not in the real world, you got me...you can always private message if you like, but whatever you do, find a person to talk to and something to keep you busy and occupied. Now is the time to prove a point to yourself...you were whole when you met him and you will be whole again. This may feel like it, but it will not be the defining moment of your life in which you accept misery as your destiny. There is so much much more out there you just have to open your eyes to it.

[KarmasTestDummy]

and the captions in their lovey dovey pic i felt, was really directed at me.

it hurts so much i really died.

 

I think clearly she has DEMANDED all access to his personal life, down to his password to his Facebook profile, and is the one posting this stuff and taking jabs at you. If it has sunk to this level, you can bet ur behind she is the driving force behind why you didn't get a closure call. He is a weak man, but she definitely has him by the balls right now, and I can assure you their life is not this picture perfect attack she threw your way. She could have just deleted you as a friend, but no it was attack...and she's only attacking because you are a genuine threat.

[steelknife]

idalis and ktd

 

jsut help me get thru this pls. i need someone. anyone to talk to.the sad part about being in this kind of relationship is that my cant share it with any of my friends.

 

looking at those pictures -- and i jsut realized i was delegated to the position i belonged; outsider. i dont really know what has gone on since we havent spoken to each other but if i based it on what i knew bec he told me, i know she has a lot of power on him. and once he wondered out loud what will happen to him if he got caught and he answered for himself, prisoner in his house. but the photos says a diff thing, they were hugging and smiling. all seemed to be pre dday.

 

i want to ask him how can you be happy that way when you know im a wreck? that im broken bec you broke me???

[steelknife]

I think clearly she has DEMANDED all access to his personal life, down to his password to his Facebook profile, and is the one posting this stuff and taking jabs at you. If it has sunk to this level, you can bet ur behind she is the driving force behind why you didn't get a closure call. He is a weak man, but she definitely has him by the balls right now, and I can assure you their life is not this picture perfect attack she threw your way. She could have just deleted you as a friend, but no it was attack...and she's only attacking because you are a genuine threat.

 

i believe i am a genuine threat. my xmm have had other women in his life during his marriage but no one as serious as me. he told me and i believe him. and she knew bec one thing i guess she can not accept on dday was finding out it is was that long. and if she knew her husband, she knows what it meanss.

[KarmasTestDummy]

idalis and ktd

 

jsut help me get thru this pls. i need someone. anyone to talk to.the sad part about being in this kind of relationship is that my cant share it with any of my friends.

 

looking at those pictures -- and i jsut realized i was delegated to the position i belonged; outsider. i dont really know what has gone on since we havent spoken to each other but if i based it on what i knew bec he told me, i know she has a lot of power on him. and once he wondered out loud what will happen to him if he got caught and he answered for himself, prisoner in his house. but the photos says a diff thing, they were hugging and smiling. all seemed to be pre dday.

 

i want to ask him how can you be happy that way when you know im a wreck? that im broken bec you broke me???

 

He knows sweets! Don't think you've been forgotten. You're right, the OW is the outsider, but he let you in. He probably even pulled you through the door despite your better judgment. Prisoner in his own home is exactly what it is. Right now he's being very selfish. Call it severe damage control. But when he gets tired of being a prisoner he will see past that and if they're not already, his thoughts will come to you...the woman who brought him joy, who did not control his every move or judge him...the woman who showed him love and respect and appreciation. In the end you will be the one he forever thinks about and regrets hurting. Maybe that doesn't mean much now, but you have to bottle it up in your heart, take pride in your own self worth knowing you did nothing wrong but love an unavailable man, and move on to what brings joy into your own life. We'll get you through it, just have faith that this is not the end of your life. You're not dead. You are still breathing as you will be tomorrow and the next day and the next. If your body can endure the pain you can train your heart to as well. You won't forget, but you can choose to forgive and move on. Please do so as quickly as you can so that you can find that inner peace.

[awkward]

I think this conversation is going in the wrong direction, a really unhealthy one.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting so bad. The best thing you did tonight was to delete your facebook. Try not to focus on them and their relationship.

 

Right now you have to take care of yourself. What types of things help you relax?

[KarmasTestDummy]

i believe i am a genuine threat. my xmm have had other women in his life during his marriage but no one as serious as me. he told me and i believe him. and she knew bec one thing i guess she can not accept on dday was finding out it is was that long. and if she knew her husband, she knows what it meanss.

 

I Don't want to lecture you on the ramifications of what you just admitted, but the fact he was a serial cheater speaks volumes about this man's character. Even if you got your fairy tale ending it would be a tough road to fit trust into your life. Not trusting is a horrible feeling and I personally accepted that it's not a way I would want to live. This may be the biggest blessing in disguise for it to end this way. You escape the back and forth of going through and breaking and restarting nc. You don't have to fight for something that's not worth fighting for.

[steelknife]

music. i can hear and feel my heart pounding from pain and frustration. disappoinment and hurt.

i want to cry but no tears come.

[Idalis]

I think this conversation is going in the wrong direction, a really unhealthy one.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting so bad. The best thing you did tonight was to delete your facebook. Try not to focus on them and their relationship.

 

Right now you have to take care of yourself. What types of things help you relax?

What he's thinking and doing are of little consequence to you, and you have nothing to gain by trying to understand his motives.

 

You need to focus on what you can control, which is yourself, and ONLY yourself.

[steelknife]

I Don't want to lecture you on the ramifications of what you just admitted, but the fact he was a serial cheater speaks volumes about this man's character. Even if you got your fairy tale ending it would be a tough road to fit trust into your life. Not trusting is a horrible feeling and I personally accepted that it's not a way I would want to live. This may be the biggest blessing in disguise for it to end this way. You escape the back and forth of going through and breaking and restarting nc. You don't have to fight for something that's not worth fighting for.

 

yes i know waht you mean. and i know my position. ive never felt as low and as small as being overly jealous, possessive and insecure in the relationship we had. i am a very secure and confident person which what drew me to him in the first place. because of what he is doing to the BS, i was always on guard knowing he can do that to me and he can be sneaky on me. and yes youre right, it is not the way i want to live. many times over, i tried to end it. because despite the love, i was very wary of him. i wanted to be out of the very exhausting relationship where he cant belong to me and i was watching over him most of the time like a policeman. or policewoman.

 

i know this is for the best. many times ive asked for this. we have had so many break ups in this past and we always end up with each other again, and again and again. he would always come back to me. and i guess, this will pave the way of just moving on for me.

 

but tell me, how do i toughen myself> thicken my face? and live on life as if i wasnt treated like a dishrag? how do i start anew when deep inside me i see and feel nothing?

[awkward]

Is there a song that every time you hear it it makes you feel good? Maybe you could play it in the background while you're posting here.

 

A few months ago I was pretty upset about something that hurt me badly. My entire being hurt from head to toe. I ended up screaming into a pillow. I couldn't believe how much it helped me. I just screamed and cried into that pillow for a long time. I even hit it a few times. It didn't take my hurt away but it did allow me some relief.

 

how do i start anew when deep inside me i see and feel nothing?

 

That's because you are hurting so badly right now. You won't always feel like this. Is there anyone in real life that you can confide in? Maybe a sister or a best friend?

[KarmasTestDummy]

yes i know waht you mean. and i know my position. ive never felt as low and as small as being overly jealous, possessive and insecure in the relationship we had. i am a very secure and confident person which what drew me to him in the first place. because of what he is doing to the BS, i was always on guard knowing he can do that to me and he can be sneaky on me. and yes youre right, it is not the way i want to live. many times over, i tried to end it. because despite the love, i was very wary of him. i wanted to be out of the very exhausting relationship where he cant belong to me and i was watching over him most of the time like a policeman. or policewoman.

 

i know this is for the best. many times ive asked for this. we have had so many break ups in this past and we always end up with each other again, and again and again. he would always come back to me. and i guess, this will pave the way of just moving on for me.

 

but tell me, how do i toughen myself> thicken my face? and live on life as if i wasnt treated like a dishrag? how do i start anew when deep inside me i see and feel nothing?

 

It's a conscious decision. First you put on the face, fake or not. You make a reason to HAVE to get out of bed and face the world each day. Running errands can be way more therapeutic than you think, even if it means your just distracted long enough to compare dove soap to caress or reconcile your checkbook or clean your closet. Helping others can be huge as well. It's coming up on the holidays. Start a toy drive or volunteer at a shelter. My point is get distracted. No wallowing as much as possible. I especially like the thought of helping others because it gives you a larger perspective on life and teaches you to appreciate what and who you are blessed to have. Then one day you will wake up and realize these actions are no longer forced, or that in ur silent time your thoughts aren't automatically going

To mm. It happens only when one day at a time becomes something you don't have to deliberately say to yourself every morning...but it does happen.

[Tsm]

So sorry that you are hurting badly like this. But remember that them being 'happy' taking pics and all, it is not about you. Maybe its their own coping machanism. You did mean something to him, probably still do, he's just doing what he needs to do and you need to the same, looking out for you, but take your time, dont rush yourself, it will get better i know. Take care

Edited October 21, 2010 by Tsm

[steelknife]

i am listening to loud alternative music whose lyrics does not have any correlation to what im feeling. thank you ill try my best to not thnk for now.

i know the concious deliberate effort is needed. i know that and i am looking for the courage and strength to sum all that from with in me.

 

ive never gotten over the dumping. and now this. how will i get out of this in one piece. oh i just really died today.

[awkward]

That's probably the best type of music to be listening to right now.

 

You will survive this. One thing you can do to help yourself is to remove all means of contact with him so that you don't have to feel this extreme pain all over again.

 

What was life like for you before MM?

 

It's a conscious decision. First you put on the face, fake or not. You make a reason to HAVE to get out of bed and face the world each day.

 

I 100% agree. You can't lay down and die.

[Janicee]

Talk to someone who does care about you is more soothing. Get something to do with one who concerns about you, family or friends alike. Keep NC and remove things related to him. It takes time, but indulging in thought will only deepen the hurts. Stay here or the separation forum to seek advice and support.

 

At the end, we have to care ourselves most. You will recover and find the real love. Don't ever fall to the track of OW again. There are always lots of struggling and throwing out of buses stories here.

[OWoman]

i want to ask him how can you be happy that way when you know im a wreck? that im broken bec you broke me???

 

SK, do you really want her to think she's won? That it was that easy to trounce you - just by putting up a couple of faked happy pics and some OTT captions? Come on - you're smarter than that! As others have said, that is an act of desperation on her part, trying to crowd you out by pretending they're all so happy and smiley and everything is just fine... In reality, she'll be feeling as bad as you are - possibly even worse - and he'll be punchdrunk from all the emotions coming at him from all sides, including his own. Read the infidelity board to get some insight into how BWs feel on discovery of the A - happy and smiley it certainly isn't!

 

Those pics are there for one reason only - to put on a brave face to the world to make others - YOU - think everything is fine with them, to make you feel bad. You have a choice - you can feel bad, and allow yourself to take on all the negative stuff she / they deflect at you; or, you can try similar tactics to theirs: fake it till you make it. Post your own happy smiley pics with OTT captions and go out and have fun. Even if it feels like hell while you're doing it, look for the beauty and stop to enjoy it. Do you know the Nina Simone song, "For a While"? Google it - it's probably somewhere on YouTube. It's about getting over a break-up, and is pretty wise.

 

Hang in there. You feel so bad because you loved so deeply. That's a good thing - you have so much love to give. Give some of it to yourself right now, and treat yourself as you would a friend or loved one going through a rough patch. Take care.

[Moanin]

Is there a song that every time you hear it it makes you feel good? Maybe you could play it in the background while you're posting here.

 

This is actually a great idea. I did this and during the times that I was struggling the most, I listened to Tina Turner's "Simply the Best". It made me feel so much better, especially about myself.... I listened to it as if Tina was singing about me being the best....

 

Hang in there, it gets better!

Edited October 21, 2010 by Moanin

[lilbunny]

Sorry you are hurting, it is a tough place to be, but it does get better.

 

I couldn't ignore my pain and I knew I couldn't wallow in it either. I allowed myself so much time in the day when it was ok to think about it all, cry, listen to sad songs, stare at his picture whatever crazy thing it was I needed. Once that time was up I made myself get up and do something, anything, call a friend, go out somewhere, do some housework. I'm down to once or twice a week now and I often don't need all of my 'allowed' time. I look forward to the day I don't need it at all, that I don't think about it.

 

I started some counselling recently, it is really helping me to deal with all of the stuff in my head and I decided to confide in someone I know and have someone IRL to talk to, as well as the support and advice I get here.

 

I don't know if any of these things might help you, but there are ways of coping and I hope you can find yours.

[spice4life]

I haven't read the other responses so you may have heard this already. It doesn't hurt to hear it againg though. There is NO way everything is "hunky dory" in their house after a D-day. Those pics were specifically aimed at you to hurt you and to make you think they are the "happy couple". It worked because you are hurting. That is exactly how she wants you to feel.

 

The truth is, all of you are hurting and you did the right thing by deleting your facebook. Although, simply defriending him would have worked just as well. There is no need to erase your life because of them.

 

It's going to hurt for a while but you can get through this and your life will be better in the long run. When you come out on the other side of this you will look back and say "what the hell was I thinking." Pick yourself up sweetie and move on no matter how much it hurts right now. (((Hugs))).

[2themoon&back]

ouch. ouch.ouch.

i died. i just did. i did.. it is like someone grabbed my heart thru my ribcage and twisted it.

 

 

ive been reading the post here to help me get thru. my xmm of 24 mos dumped me two weeks ago because of dday. the BS rang me and told me to leave her husband. and thats it. he left with out saying goodbye. it was very hard for me but i guess it just went with the territory. i put on a brave face and tried so hard, up to now, still struggling to get on with life. i believed he loved me. like all ow, he made me feel important. he sneaked out and do just about anything, just so he can call me for 4 or 5 min. i knew he didnt ever have any plans to leave his family. but i knew he love me. and i believed taht.

 

i felt and he did too, that we were soulmates, we talked about so many things and he talked many times a day when he is at work. he kept calling me.

 

he hasnt rung me to explain or say sorry or say goodbye. it hurt but i tried so hard to accept it. then today, i saw photos of them together. the BS made sure it is posted in his profile( he and i are friends. she and i are not) with the dates of when the photo was taken (just a mere 5 days after dday) and it just killed me.it did. i just died from the pain...

 

im used to seeing photos of them like this. when we were still together i would look at their family outing and although i feel a tinge of envy and jealous, it was not as bad as today.

 

today, i felt like a wet dishrag. not worthty of a second look. and the BS just rubbed it in more. i looked at him smiling and hugging the BS and i cant believe it is the way it is. did i not mean anything at all to him??? here i am mopping around so hurt and in pain. and he goes out with the BS just mere 5 days after his and my world fell apart and went on as if nothing happened....? is this for real????

 

i havent gotten over the dday. nor the dumping. now, theyve moved on. and he...? just like that? i thought i meant the world to him? i never asked him to leave his family. but i never thought he can do this to me when i thought i meant so much to him. looking at the photos opened a lot of hurt, pain and humiliation for me. i know i can never compete with the family,they will always mean more and ive accepted that. but the way i am treated now is like, im the leper, i was the tease. it was my fault. and the xmm couldnt even be bothered to tell it is over. if i meant to him like what he told me, it shouldnt just end this way..but ive accepted that this is how it is..

 

i never intended to break their marriage. and obviously, they are fixing it. i love him dearly and in doing so, i love his family. i know waht they are up to, the kids in school. what they are doing. and ill do anything for him. but now, where does this put me? nowhere i know. but it hurts so bad i dunno how to start again. ive tried to contain my emotions since dday. ive full of anger and pain. i dont deserved to be dumped just like this, we shared so many things and i believed when he told me what i meant to him. did i live in a lie for two years????? was it all a lie???? all those times he was bending backward to accommodate me in his life, was it a lie? all the things he did to keep me from leaving him. coming to see me in a diff suburb, risking so many things just to be with me, just like this?

 

suddenly there is nothing tangible to hold on to. he never belonged to me but for a while, he made me believe there was really me and him. he was a constant presence in my life and the phone call are regular and predictable. he would call me as soon as he leaves for work, and more thereafter, until he goes home. on the dot, might be late, but always with in the expected time. and he never failed. but now, ive trying so hard to live with the fact that those call will never happen again. im trying so hard to accept that it is ending this way. and i feel so humiliated and hurt i dunno where or how to begin to explain how it feels.

 

 

i just died today . really. the dday almost killed me. but today, i died.

and yes i deleted my social website.

 

I am so sorry you are in such pain this is a truly awful place to be. I am glad you posted here; you are getting good advice and support.

 

I am learning as well from what people are telling you,(becaue I feel dead) so you in other words you are helping me, so there you go, you cannot be dead if you are still doing good for others. Thank you for sharing!

 

(((((Hug))))

[jthorne]

Why is everyone so quick to rush in and say that the BS and WS who are reconcilling are not happy, and that the OP should feel comfort in that? That's kind of sick to me.

 

Perhaps the WS and BS put the photo up because they have decided to work on the things that hurt their marriage, and the photo is what they are striving to get back? And that is their right.

 

OP, I get that you are hurt, and I am sorry for that. But you are the one that stuck your hand in the fire, knowing that you could get burnt. I am not discounting your pain, but suggest that you need to own your part eventually. He did not do this to you on his own. You helped do it to yourself, just as you had your hand in hurting the BS by boinking her H.

 

Own your stuff. Find out what within you made you inject yourself into someone else's marriage, especially knowing that he was never going to leave it. You took a risk, and you lost.

 

Sure, it hurts. And again, I am sorry for that. But what he did or didn't feel for you is irrelevant. You chose to get involved with a married man that had no intentions of leaving his wife. You said yourself that it goes with the territory.

 

Grieve the loss. Think about where you went wrong. Work on you. Part of working on you is leaving them behind to do whatever they need to do to repair their marriage. If you felt for him, you would wish them both the best.

 

I know it hurts, but there's a lesson to be learned here. You can rise above it and be a better person in the long run.

 

I wish you healing and good luck.