i died today

[Angel1111]

after all that has been said and done. where will i get the power to forgive him for hurting me.. and to forgive myself for allowing him...

 

Hard to say. There's a part of me that still hasn't forgiven xMM for how much he hurt me. Despite all the logic and reasons, he cut me to the core. It's not something easily forgotten.

[steelknife]

Hard to say. There's a part of me that still hasn't forgiven xMM for how much he hurt me. Despite all the logic and reasons, he cut me to the core. It's not something easily forgotten.

 

 

i am at a point where in i feel i am actually starting to accept things as they are...to get on with life and living..i still thnk of him many times a day. after all, he was a big part of my day to day activity...he would call me many times a day and we talk as long as we can...and it was never boring. we never run out of things to talk about. he was my bestfriend and soulmate and i thought i was his. 'nuff said. but lately, when i thnk of him. he seems so far away. like in another end of a tunnel or somwhere in a past life ive known. he doesnt seem to be real anymore. he is not there anymore.. what happened between us seems to slowly disintegrate. he is not tangible anymore. it was all in the past. was it just a dream? the only proof i guess is the pain because it is still here..

 

so many things i can not accept. so many things i want to question. but i guess there is really no need because the answer wont matter any longer. i need to accept that it is the way it is and there is no sense asking why it happened.. what a waste to see it go but i realized it was all wrong. the affair, the way he lied to me. ive proven it. and worse, the fact that i knew he lied yet i accept it. or how small it made me as a person. when i have to willingly give way he had to go home,to the bs and leaves me at the door. or dont call bec bs is at home. i didnt realize i ws THAT understanding. or that stupid..

how jealous and possessive i am because if he can do "it" to his wife he can do "it" to me. i used to be a person who is so confident of herself. but suddenly, i felt like a scavenger, a vulture. yet i take it all in because i loved a person who is not free. i am alone most of the time. i moved in, moved out, had a car crash, was hospitalized. where was he. on the phone. that was the most he could do.

 

when i had the car crash at 11pm, the person i wanted to call the most was him. but can i? i cant. whats worse is i waited till afternoon the next day to tell him, when he rang me when he went to work. that is the life i had as the other woman. did i want that? i didnt. but i knew i had the choice when we started. where was my common sense that time..

 

when we started i thought it is better to love and lost than not love at all. i took each day as it comes and credits to him, he never wavered. every chance he gets, he calls me. and admittedly, there were happy times.he did many things to make me happy. as much as possible, he was there. and i lived my life like that; never away from my mobile.

 

with his family, home obligation and work, and me, i never thought he can still have oow. ive never proven that but apparently, he can if he wants to and ill never find out. many times along the way we both tried to end it. we never succeeded. and many times along the way, i wish it will end. it was getting exhausting. but i never succeeded either. looking back, there are no regrets. because if i think hard enough and go back to the times when things were good, it was good. albeit the fact that we were hurting the bs. i felt how it was to be loved. in my better days, i know he did. but if i only knew the pain is anywhere near what i went through, i would rather not love at all. i cringe at the thought of it. am not out of the hurt and pain. but i am better now. a wee bit better that 31 days ago and the weeks following that. it it like being stood up when youre life depended on him turning up.

 

im just rambling on. i know. but all i want right now is to get out of this alive. i am struggling so hard in search of myself. all i know is that i genuinely love him. too bad i didnt get the same love in return. or even if i did, too bad it turned out this way.

 

there are so many lessons to be learned here. before this, i was very judgmental to people who are in any form of affairs. the ow, the ws. they are all very low in my eyes. then it happened to me. and it suddenly changed my perspective of them. first i needed to to justify what was happenign to me. and second, i realized, i am not in any position at all to judge these people. i never knew what it feels like to be in their shoes or what it feels like to be stuck in a cycle. i am talking about those people like me, who are in this for love. now ive been there, although im never coming back this way again, i know better than to judge them. i too, dont know what they have been through.

 

in a way, am glad. there was a reason we got together. whatever that was. but there was also a reason why we can never be. for me to question that, and not to get an answer. what is there to ask then? i wish i could do this sooner. i jsut want to leave this, if he played with my feelings sorry then for me, but if he didnt. well and good. but it really doesnt matter anymore. the fact remains he threw me under the bus. and i just have to face life the way it is handed to me. we all make mistakes. but the biggest mistake is when we thnk that life is over.. game yes. but life, no.

 

i just hope i will find forgiveness for myself. the forgiveness for allowing him to hurt me this much. in the future, i hope i can still love as much as i loved him.. there seems to be no more love left. not even for myself. but i will heal. i have to leave and go. and be free from all this...

 

am i making sense...?

Edited November 13, 2010 by steelknife

[newpriorities]

 

im just rambling on. i know. but all i want right now is to get out of this alive. i am struggling so hard in search of myself. all i know is that i genuinely love him. too bad i didnt get the same love in return. or even if i did, too bad it turned out this way.

 

there are so many lessons to be learned here. before this, i was very judgmental to people who are in any form of affairs. the ow, the ws. they are all very low in my eyes. then it happened to me. and it suddenly changed my perspective of them. first i needed to to justify what was happenign to me. and second, i realized, i am not in any position at all to judge these people. i never knew what it feels like to be in their shoes or what it feels like to be stuck in a cycle. i am talking about those people like me, who are in this for love. now ive been there, although im never coming back this way again, i know better than to judge them. i too, dont know what they have been through.

 

in a way, am glad. there was a reason we got together. whatever that was. but there was also a reason why we can never be. for me to question that, and not to get an answer. what is there to ask then? i wish i could do this sooner. i jsut want to leave this, if he played with my feelings sorry then for me, but if he didnt. well and good. but it really doesnt matter anymore. the fact remains he threw me under the bus. and i just have to face life the way it is handed to me. we all make mistakes. but the biggest mistake is when we thnk that life is over.. game yes. but life, no.

 

i just hope i will find forgiveness for myself. the forgiveness for allowing him to hurt me this much. in the future, i hope i can still love as much as i loved him.. there seems to be no more love left. not even for myself. but i will heal. i have to leave and go. and be free from all this...

am i making sense...?

 

I know that you really feel like you loved him with everything you had, but is it truly love when you give so much that you have no more love left for yourself? I've been there, so I completely understand, but in time I think you will be able to see this isn't the kind of love you want/need. Keep hanging in there, you're making progress!

[dreamingoftigers]

ouch. ouch.ouch.

 

I felt like a wet dishrag.

here i am mopping around so hurt and in pain.

 

i never intended to break their marriage. Your presence could do nothing but damge it.

 

i love him dearly and in doing so, i love his family. Did you love his wife?

 

did i live in a lie for two years????? was it all a lie???? all those times he was bending backward to accommodate me in his life, was it a lie? all the things he did to keep me from leaving him. coming to see me in a diff suburb, risking so many things just to be with me, just like this?

 

Yes, they were lies. If they weren't lies, he would have left and been with you. If you get married, you will see the difference. If the MM would lie to his family whom he has significant emotional/physical/financial history AND the expectation of accountability then OW should not expect themselves to get a great deal of honesty from these men. Sorry.

 

he never belonged to me but for a while, he made me believe there was really me and him.

 

Sorry for your pain, what you are experiencing now are some of the myriad of reasons that it is not recommended to get involved with someone that is married. Think of the numbers. What are the percentages that any dating relationship is going to survive into the long run. Very small. Now divide that number in half, between you and the wife, throw in her history, children and financial committments. The odds are less than 50/50 for an OW and relationships are hard enough as it is.

 

When it comes to relationships, find better investments of your time. Do not sign into anything that does not hold much promise of a return.

[MorningCoffee]

i am at a point where in i feel i am actually starting to accept things as they are...to get on with life and living..i still thnk of him many times a day. after all, he was a big part of my day to day activity...he would call me many times a day and we talk as long as we can...and it was never boring. we never run out of things to talk about. he was my bestfriend and soulmate and i thought i was his. 'nuff said. but lately, when i thnk of him. he seems so far away. like in another end of a tunnel or somwhere in a past life ive known. he doesnt seem to be real anymore. he is not there anymore.. what happened between us seems to slowly disintegrate. he is not tangible anymore. it was all in the past. was it just a dream? the only proof i guess is the pain because it is still here..

 

so many things i can not accept. so many things i want to question. but i guess there is really no need because the answer wont matter any longer. i need to accept that it is the way it is and there is no sense asking why it happened.. what a waste to see it go but i realized it was all wrong. the affair, the way he lied to me. ive proven it. and worse, the fact that i knew he lied yet i accept it. or how small it made me as a person. when i have to willingly give way he had to go home,to the bs and leaves me at the door. or dont call bec bs is at home. i didnt realize i ws THAT understanding. or that stupid..

how jealous and possessive i am because if he can do "it" to his wife he can do "it" to me. i used to be a person who is so confident of herself. but suddenly, i felt like a scavenger, a vulture. yet i take it all in because i loved a person who is not free. i am alone most of the time. i moved in, moved out, had a car crash, was hospitalized. where was he. on the phone. that was the most he could do.

 

when i had the car crash at 11pm, the person i wanted to call the most was him. but can i? i cant. whats worse is i waited till afternoon the next day to tell him, when he rang me when he went to work. that is the life i had as the other woman. did i want that? i didnt. but i knew i had the choice when we started. where was my common sense that time..

 

when we started i thought it is better to love and lost than not love at all. i took each day as it comes and credits to him, he never wavered. every chance he gets, he calls me. and admittedly, there were happy times.he did many things to make me happy. as much as possible, he was there. and i lived my life like that; never away from my mobile.

 

with his family, home obligation and work, and me, i never thought he can still have oow. ive never proven that but apparently, he can if he wants to and ill never find out. many times along the way we both tried to end it. we never succeeded. and many times along the way, i wish it will end. it was getting exhausting. but i never succeeded either. looking back, there are no regrets. because if i think hard enough and go back to the times when things were good, it was good. albeit the fact that we were hurting the bs. i felt how it was to be loved. in my better days, i know he did. but if i only knew the pain is anywhere near what i went through, i would rather not love at all. i cringe at the thought of it. am not out of the hurt and pain. but i am better now. a wee bit better that 31 days ago and the weeks following that. it it like being stood up when youre life depended on him turning up.

 

im just rambling on. i know. but all i want right now is to get out of this alive. i am struggling so hard in search of myself. all i know is that i genuinely love him. too bad i didnt get the same love in return. or even if i did, too bad it turned out this way.

 

there are so many lessons to be learned here. before this, i was very judgmental to people who are in any form of affairs. the ow, the ws. they are all very low in my eyes. then it happened to me. and it suddenly changed my perspective of them. first i needed to to justify what was happenign to me. and second, i realized, i am not in any position at all to judge these people. i never knew what it feels like to be in their shoes or what it feels like to be stuck in a cycle. i am talking about those people like me, who are in this for love. now ive been there, although im never coming back this way again, i know better than to judge them. i too, dont know what they have been through.

 

in a way, am glad. there was a reason we got together. whatever that was. but there was also a reason why we can never be. for me to question that, and not to get an answer. what is there to ask then? i wish i could do this sooner. i jsut want to leave this, if he played with my feelings sorry then for me, but if he didnt. well and good. but it really doesnt matter anymore. the fact remains he threw me under the bus. and i just have to face life the way it is handed to me. we all make mistakes. but the biggest mistake is when we thnk that life is over.. game yes. but life, no.

 

i just hope i will find forgiveness for myself. the forgiveness for allowing him to hurt me this much. in the future, i hope i can still love as much as i loved him.. there seems to be no more love left. not even for myself. but i will heal. i have to leave and go. and be free from all this...

 

am i making sense...?

 

So much worthwhile in your post. I think you will be fine if you continue to process all these various things you are mulling over -- why did this happen? how did I let myself go that long? and so on, -- and let it take as long as it takes.

 

The worst thing I can think of would be to bury these issues and numb yourself with whatever means you might choose. Yes, it is very painful to deal with these questions, but it is the way to find forgiveness for yourself and for him.

 

The period of my recovery - loss, grieving, sadness, processing, NC for several months, then LC I initiated by phone, and more recently, ending all contact and blocking all means of contact -- was just about as long as the entire affair was, and only at that point was I finally able to let her go completely. No break up or loss ever affected me for so long so deeply before in my life. But, finally closing the chapter, and moving on without regrets and with some nice memories, and lessons learned, and forgiveness for her being the way she is, and all.

 

So be good to yourself and the healing process will take you on a journey that eventually leads to a really fine place, and you will have grown and learned.

[dreamingoftigers]

It doesn't sound like you are still mopping around? Your place must have been pretty clean for awhile

 

It's good that you are getting on with things, I just finished reading the whole thread and I sincerely hope that you do not answer his phone calls again. If he calls, I honestly suggest you call the BS because he is still continuing with the cheating behaviour.

[steelknife]

i am trying very hard to come out of this alive. i avoid thnking of him. it is completely futile and my anger for being treated this way just seem to escalate. im still in utter disbelief. ive accepted the fact that is it over and that it is the way it is. but i still can not connect the fact as to what we had, and how this ended.

 

ive read all your posts. and i went as far as reading the kind of heartbreaks you guys are also going through. i realized, most of us are going through more or less the same things. and if you can heal, or on your way, then i also can. if you can forgive yourself, albeit took you a long time, then i also can...

 

im trying very hard. but each day is different for me. i dont really know what stage i am at this point. i need to regain my dignity and self esteem. i need to do a lot of things to be able to heal and come out of this a better person.

 

ive been doing a lot of self pity these days. for being alone. but admittedly i was also alone most of the time during the affair... i just need to heal. that is all i want. i dont wanna listen to him anymore..i am so disgusted with how he treated me. and that was that. period.

 

how i wish i can move on soon. its not fast enough...

[spice4life]

 

how i wish i can move on soon. its not fast enough...

 

In my situation, I can honestly say I have forgiven myself and him and I find myself at the best place I have ever been in my life. Regarding relationships that is. I totally accept what I had with AP for what it was and no longer harbor ill feelings toward him or myself. I embrace the valuable lessons the relationship taught me.

 

After my AP decided to work on his M, I decided to go back to an ex I had a long term relationship with to see if there was an opportunity to build upon what we had. I was with my ex for about 4.5 months before I realized it was not what I wanted, so I ended it with him. Looking back, I see now that it was something I had to do and now I have closed the book on that relationship permanently. I have to say that since I have done that I feel great! I am now looking forward to the possibilities of my future. I am excited more than I ever have been before.

 

My A forced me to look within myself and resolve what was ailing me once and for all. I now know who I am and what "I" want and need in a relationship and will never settle again. I learned why I was choosing the men I did and now those days are in the past. I've settled it within myself and feel so much happier as a result. I no longer feel the need to be in a relationship to define who I am. I have also learned that if a relationship is right for me, it should be easy. I love my new found knowledge and have complete faith that I will end up with someone who is healthy for me. I'm in no hurry either. I am enjoying just having fun doing what I like to do and thoroughly enjoying my family and friends. It feels great!

 

So no worries steelknife, better days, MUCH better days are ahead of you if you continue to allow yourself to mourn the relationship you had with your xAP. I garauntee (sp?) it!

 

And again, and I'm sorry for constantly repeating this, it boils down to personal choices. You can choose to allow yourself to mourn this relationship and carry forward the valuable lessons it has taught you about yourself; or you can choose to stay mired down with resentment. It's totally up to you. I chose to learn from it and to evolve into a much happier person. It worked! I am happy with who I am as a person and look forward to finding the relationship "I" want for me. Never again will I settle for what someone else thinks I should have. I learned that when you settle for what others think you should have then you end up not having what you truly desire for yourself.

 

Keep up the good work! Good things are right around the corner for you! If your open to it then it will happen. (((Hugs!)))

Edited November 14, 2010 by spice4life

[steelknife]

In my situation, I can honestly say I have forgiven myself and him and I find myself at the best place I have ever been in my life. Regarding relationships that is. I totally accept what I had After my AP decided to work on his M, I decided to go back to an ex I had forward to the possibilities of my future. I am excited more than I ever have been before.

 

My A forced me to look within myself and resolve what was ailing me once and for all. I now know who I am and what "I" want and need in a no longer feel the need to be in a relationship to define who I am. I have also learned that if a relationship is right for me, it should be easy. I love my new enjoying my family and friends. It feels great!

 

So no worries steelknife, better days, MUCH better days are ahead of you if you continue to allow yourself to mourn the relationship you had with your xAP. I garauntee (sp?) it!

 

And again, and I'm sorry for constantly repeating this, it boils down to personal choices. You can choose to allow yourself to mourn this relationship and carry forward the valuable lessons it has taught you about yourself; or you can choose to stay mired down with resentment. have then you end up not having what you truly desire for yourself.

 

Keep up the good work! Good things are right around the corner for you! If your open to it then it will happen. (((Hugs!)))

 

i thank you spice4life for your words of encouragment. but have you ever reached a point where in you dont want to thnk or ask anymore? you just wake up and try to survive each day bec it hurts so much to actually face the facts.

 

i know eventually ill forget this. ill forgive myself. i still thnk of him. many times a day, but each time, he seems further and further away i need to reach out to the deepest thought i have..he seems to be unreal. the pain that i feel though is real. and up to now, i cant figure out how things can just end this way. it has been almost 5 weeks. my struggle is not over but i am certainly better than the person i was 3 weeks ago..

 

i know that i will come out a better person..i hope to be..but i hate him so much that to satisfy myself i plot revenge in my mind...ill get over this. everything i feel i know will fade into oblivion. and when that day comes, i will enumerate the lessons i learned the hardest way....

[spice4life]

i thank you spice4life for your words of encouragment. but have you ever reached a point where in you dont want to thnk or ask anymore?....

 

Yes, I have reached that point because I now accept that he was simply not available. He belonged to someone else and he chose to stay for his own reasons. Did I love him? Yes. Do I still? Yes. Did I get here without A LOT of drama? No. I didn't experience a D-Day (not that I know of anyway), so the relationship wasn't cut short in that way. But, I was very devastated when I realized that he decided to stay. It felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it and ran it over! At one point, when the reality first set in, I felt weak in the knees and almost passed out. It hurt - it hurt a lot. And I did ask all of those questions back then and I even ended up in therapy because of it.

 

It has been a long road, one that has forced me to start asking myself why? Why did I end up here and how? That is when I started to work on myself. I didn't want to end up in a situation where I wasn't getting what I want and need ever again. I am finally there and I am soo happy that I am. I now know that I will find love again and it will be what I want and need. I won't lie and say it was easy - it wasn't, not at all. I can say though, that I got here by allowing myself to mourn the relationship and feel all of the emotions. The anger, the sadness, the guilt - everything. I am finally at acceptance. I can also say that my love for him was very real and because of that I was able to accept his choice. It's his life and he has to do what he feels is best for him and I have to do what is best for me.

 

Sorry for rambling on here. I hope this all makes sense.

[steelknife]

Yes, I have reached that point because I now accept that he was simply not available. He belonged to someone else and he chose to stay for his own reasons. Did I love him? Yes. Do I still? Yes. Did I get here without A LOT of drama? No. I didn't experience a D-Day (not that I know of anyway), so the relationship wasn't cut short in that way. But, I was very devastated when I realized that he decided to stay. It felt like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it and ran it over! At one point, when the reality first set in, I felt weak in the knees and almost passed out. It hurt - it hurt a lot. And I did ask all of those questions back then and I even ended up in therapy because of it.

 

can also say that my love for him was very real and because of that I was able to accept his choice. It's his life and he has to do what he feels is best for him and I have to do what is best for .

 

36 days after dday. i feel my mood is improving. am not well but i feel better. i stil thnk of him but it feels right to start moving on..i am starting to heave a sigh of relief, the heavy baggage i have been carrying around, finally i dropped it and i feel light.. i still miss him but i am at a stage where i know there is nothing left to do but to start accepting things the way they are. i am not hopeful anymore. and suddenly, i see all the lies he told me that i knew was a lie but believed. idiot.

 

and today. today. he called again. landline. only i was two steps ahead. i had a feeling he would call. guess it means he has more or less same schedule at work. and when the phone rang at that particular time, i didnt pick it up. my flat mate did and she kept knockign at my door but i didnt answer till she said to the other line "she is asleep i guess" .i know it is him. no one calls me at home. and he cant call me in my mob. ive blocked him..i dont want to talk anymore to him to hear what he has to say. i am scared of getting hurt again. i am scared of exposing myself to the pain i went through 5 weeks ago. and i realized, this time around, i want to protect me and my feelings.

 

and i would say the same thing, he has to try double, really really hard if waht he has to say is really important or life changing. otherwise, he will never hear from me again. and one good thing is that.. i know i am doing this for myself. i dont feel any misgivings anymore of being there when he calls because of what he might say that will make me happy. or wht he has to say that i might miss bec i wasnt thre to answer his call like i used to. i dont care what he has to say. he threw me under the bus and for me, that was that.

 

everything now is ALL BOUT ME. i dotn care if he is struggling (i would be happy to know though that he is), i dont care how he and bs are coping,... i just need to get out of this alive. ive been though a lot and i forgot about being kind to me...

 

everyday is becoming better. i come home sad and missing him but tomorrow is another day..

Edited November 17, 2010 by steelknife

[steelknife]

45 days today.

whre am i?

 

ive accepted that it is truly over. i think less of him each day. i still do, but less. i miss the time we often talk. but there is one thing that is frequently on my mind lately; the number of times he has lied to me, i knew he lied, but i turn the other way. refused to confront and face it. and lived with it.

 

i guess this comes from a lot of thinking, realization, deep searching and getting in touch with myself. im not out of it, but i am sure of one thing; i know he will hurt me if i allow him to talk to me, and im sure i will not let him do that.

 

i dont really know anymore what is going on with him. i still wonder though, i may not acknowledge it but he was a part of my life..a destructive one if i may say. -i am slowly coming into conclusion how naively i allowed myself to be manipulated with my consent. i just have to accept that...

 

life morningcoffee and the rest, i am hoping ill be able to look on this few months from now and say "i survived" and i am whole again....