i died today

[Carrot2000]

Why is everyone so quick to rush in and say that the BS and WS who are reconcilling are not happy, and that the OP should feel comfort in that? That's kind of sick to me.

 

Perhaps the WS and BS put the photo up because they have decided to work on the things that hurt their marriage, and the photo is what they are striving to get back? And that is their right.

 

Agreed. Of course things with the MM and his wife are not all good, but there's no need to take joy in someone else's misery. Especially when you played a role in creating their misery--and your own.

 

SK, things will get better for you. Refocus your emotional energy and think about what you mean to yourself and what you want your life to look like from here on out. Lilbunny's suggestion that you get counseling was right on the money; speaking with a therapist will give you an outlet from your pain and help you set some goals. Friends and family are great, but sometimes you need an impartial party to help you view your situation from another perspective.

 

You've wasted two years on a relationship with no potential, but your life is far from over. Hang in there--it does get better.

[woinlove]

Why is everyone so quick to rush in and say that the BS and WS who are reconcilling are not happy, and that the OP should feel comfort in that? That's kind of sick to me.

 

Perhaps the WS and BS put the photo up because they have decided to work on the things that hurt their marriage, and the photo is what they are striving to get back? And that is their right.

 

 

Yes! Or they could be in hysterical bonding and the pictures are a g-rated version of that. Who knows? Whatever those pictures represent, there will also be lots of pain and hurt. But no true comfort comes from imagining others hurting. Like jthorne, I'm surprised at multiple posters suggesting otherwise.

 

Don't focus on what you think they are experiencing, as this is likely to contribute to reduced self-esteem. Focus on healing yourself.

[KarmasTestDummy]

This is actually a great idea. I did this and during the times that I was struggling the most, I listened to Tina Turner's "Simply the Best". It made me feel so much better, especially about myself.... I listened to it as if Tina was singing about me being the best....

 

Hang in there, it gets better!

 

As funny as it may be my song was Carrie underwood's before he

Cheats. A little backwards being the OW but it was so empowering for anyone...plus you have to consider we loved mm like they were ours and when they choose W it feels like he's cheating on us, and like he needs to be taught a lesson before he thinks about doing it again. I also like a lot of Pink songs, especially "Sober". It doesn't relate to cheating but kind of makes me think about the fog we're in being an addiction and wondering if we can have that feeling without it.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Yes! Or they could be in hysterical bonding and the pictures are a g-rated version of that. Who knows? Whatever those pictures represent, there will also be lots of pain and hurt. But no true comfort comes from imagining others hurting. Like jthorne, I'm surprised at multiple posters suggesting otherwise.

 

Don't focus on what you think they are experiencing, as this is likely to contribute to reduced self-esteem. Focus on healing yourself.

 

Whether they are faked happinessbor legitimate is regardless. She's won...but I wouldn't want what she's won anyway. A serial cheater with no backbone or sense of respect for other people's feelings. Good for her, she got the prize...until it gets comfortable again and he goes wandering again. Now SK can keep playing and win the bigger prize, better, healthier, trustworthy and all hers.

[Owl]

Whether they are faked happinessbor legitimate is regardless. She's won...but I wouldn't want what she's won anyway. A serial cheater with no backbone or sense of respect for other people's feelings. Good for her, she got the prize...until it gets comfortable again and he goes wandering again. Now SK can keep playing and win the bigger prize, better, healthier, trustworthy and all hers.

 

KTD...I know this is going to sound harsher than I mean it, so please realize that I'm not trying to come across as overly harsh or attacking.

 

This post just screams "sour grapes" to me.

 

This is the man that this particular OW was in love with...knowing all of that.

 

Just because the wife "won" (and trust me, everyone loses in an affair) is no reason to turn around and try to make her sound desperate or pathetic for fighting to save her marriage.

 

Would you say the same thing to Steelknife about him if he'd have left his wife to be with her?

 

Steel-

 

You've got some good advice here so far. Step back, find a support system in friends or family that you can talk with. Grieve the end of the relationship. Take active measures to remove him and his wife from your life...deleting that social network account was a good first step. Remove him from all of your media...email/phone/etc...

 

Focus on YOU now. Find ways to deal with the stress that the loss of this relationship created. Start working out. Find ways to fill the time that you'd spend with him...to fill the time you spend now thinking of him...with something ELSE, something that will occupy your mind and has a positive, productive outcome.

 

Don't be afraid to grieve...it doesn't matter if it was an affair or not, it's still the end of a relationship, and that hurts no matter what. Recognize that, and let it happen.

[woinlove]

Whether they are faked happinessbor legitimate is regardless. She's won...but I wouldn't want what she's won anyway. A serial cheater with no backbone or sense of respect for other people's feelings. Good for her, she got the prize...until it gets comfortable again and he goes wandering again. Now SK can keep playing and win the bigger prize, better, healthier, trustworthy and all hers.

 

I know you've been hurting too, but I don't see how thinking of this in terms of competition and prizes helps at all. It seems for both wives and OW who fall in love, one is talking about potential or actual life partners. That isn't a game or a prize, that is one of the deepest human connections. I agree this MM is broken and sharing a life with him is going to be painful for anyone unless he does a lot of work to heal himself.

 

Staying involved with this broken MM for 2 years likely suggests SK has some healing to do herself, beyond getting over the pain and hurt of the end of the A. That type of healing is the greatest achievement of all and, I agree with you, will open the door to the wonderful possibility of sharing one's life with someone equally healthy, trustworthy and loving (although, IMO, that is so much, much more than a "prize").

[KarmasTestDummy]

KTD...I know this is going to sound harsher than I mean it, so please realize that I'm not trying to come across as overly harsh or attacking.

 

This post just screams "sour grapes" to me.

 

This is the man that this particular OW was in love with...knowing all of that.

 

Just because the wife "won" (and trust me, everyone loses in an affair) is no reason to turn around and try to make her sound desperate or pathetic for fighting to save her marriage.

 

Would you say the same thing to Steelknife about him if he'd have left his wife to be with her?

 

Not harsh at all, but there are certain things you have to tell yourself to build yourself back up from rock bottom. They aren't directed at bs, but merely a means of accepting the end result from the ow perspective. I'm actually not even replying to this thread from the current situation but more from my ex h and how I overcame that one. He stayed with OW after I left and she also liked to show off her prize. Sometimes to come to grips with the "in your face" bragging you have to remind yourself what negatives you lost out on and turn it around and ask who really won. Like those stupid claw arcade games...well you fed the machine $20 worth of quarters to finally nab a 50 cent stuffed animal, but yup you won alright, don't you feel grand?" I'd rather be glad I quit after I wasted 2 quarters and think myself the winner for still having $19.50 in my pocket. Just a viewpoint.

[Owl]

Fair enough.

 

And I agree...anger is a very useful tool to use when trying to "get over" the end of a relationship. Getting angry, letting yourself see the flaws in the other person that led to the end of that relationship, etc...all parts of the process.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Fair enough.

 

And I agree...anger is a very useful tool to use when trying to "get over" the end of a relationship. Getting angry, letting yourself see the flaws in the other person that led to the end of that relationship, etc...all parts of the process.

 

Anger is the funnest and most productive stage of grief. I try to stick with that one as much as possible and return there every so often as a reminder when I start to get down on myself.

[spice4life]

Sorry other posters took offense to my post, that was not my intention.

 

Steelknife, my point was that regardless of what is happening in their home right now, it is no longer your concern. The only thing that matters right now is your healing. A d-day happened, he made his choices and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. The only thing you can do is pick yourself up and start your own healing. I know its hard to not have closure but, in these situations 99% of time that doesn't happen. You will need to find the strength within you, no matter how much it hurts, to accept that and move on.

 

Don't worry about them anymore - worry about you now. And in some crazy way, when you are finally past it, you will find that you have evolved. It's a hard way to learn, but use the opportunity to learn about yourself and why you ended up in this situation in the first place.

 

(((Hugs))) again sweety.

[fooled once]

Why is everyone so quick to rush in and say that the BS and WS who are reconcilling are not happy, and that the OP should feel comfort in that? That's kind of sick to me.

 

Perhaps the WS and BS put the photo up because they have decided to work on the things that hurt their marriage, and the photo is what they are striving to get back? And that is their right.

 

OP, I get that you are hurt, and I am sorry for that. But you are the one that stuck your hand in the fire, knowing that you could get burnt. I am not discounting your pain, but suggest that you need to own your part eventually. He did not do this to you on his own. You helped do it to yourself, just as you had your hand in hurting the BS by boinking her H.

 

Own your stuff. Find out what within you made you inject yourself into someone else's marriage, especially knowing that he was never going to leave it. You took a risk, and you lost.

 

Sure, it hurts. And again, I am sorry for that. But what he did or didn't feel for you is irrelevant. You chose to get involved with a married man that had no intentions of leaving his wife. You said yourself that it goes with the territory.

 

Grieve the loss. Think about where you went wrong. Work on you. Part of working on you is leaving them behind to do whatever they need to do to repair their marriage. If you felt for him, you would wish them both the best.

 

I know it hurts, but there's a lesson to be learned here. You can rise above it and be a better person in the long run.

 

I wish you healing and good luck.

 

Great post jthorne. I was wondering the same thing.

 

Who said the wife put the pictures up? It IS the guy's fb page. Maybe HE did - maybe HE did it as a poke at the OW? We do NOT know what or who was the reasoning behind the pictures OR the captions.

 

We do know that most OW go into an affair voluntarily. No one MAKES them enter or stay in an affair. To say the MM 'wouldn't let me go' is hogwash IMHO. OW stay because of choices they make. They need to own that at the end; and they need to QUIT blaming the BS for going on with HER marriage. That is what is so frustrating here.

 

In this case, the MM chose to NOT contact the OP. HIS decision, yet somehow this is the wife's fault? He could have called from work, he could have called from a friend's phone - he had options. It isn't because his wife is GLUED to his side. And it isn't because she has so much "power" over him. Where was that power when he was cheating??

 

 

Whether they are faked happinessbor legitimate is regardless. She's won...but I wouldn't want what she's won anyway. A serial cheater with no backbone or sense of respect for other people's feelings. Good for her, she got the prize...until it gets comfortable again and he goes wandering again. Now SK can keep playing and win the bigger prize, better, healthier, trustworthy and all hers.

 

How is it not relevant now? She won? what did she win? The right to try again in her marriage? This is the bottom line problem - the COMPETITION so many OW finally admit to, yet refuse to admit it when they are in the affair. OF COURSE it is a competition - who he loves more, better, more deeply, etc. Who knows him MORE? That type of thinking is silly, IMHO.

 

KTD...I know this is going to sound harsher than I mean it, so please realize that I'm not trying to come across as overly harsh or attacking.

 

This post just screams "sour grapes" to me.

 

This is the man that this particular OW was in love with...knowing all of that.

 

Just because the wife "won" (and trust me, everyone loses in an affair) is no reason to turn around and try to make her sound desperate or pathetic for fighting to save her marriage.

 

Would you say the same thing to Steelknife about him if he'd have left his wife to be with her?

 

Steel-

 

You've got some good advice here so far. Step back, find a support system in friends or family that you can talk with. Grieve the end of the relationship. Take active measures to remove him and his wife from your life...deleting that social network account was a good first step. Remove him from all of your media...email/phone/etc...

 

Focus on YOU now. Find ways to deal with the stress that the loss of this relationship created. Start working out. Find ways to fill the time that you'd spend with him...to fill the time you spend now thinking of him...with something ELSE, something that will occupy your mind and has a positive, productive outcome.

 

Don't be afraid to grieve...it doesn't matter if it was an affair or not, it's still the end of a relationship, and that hurts no matter what. Recognize that, and let it happen.

 

Great post OWL.

 

Steel - please do not say you are dying because of the end of the affair. Please - please know life is WAY MORE than some cheating dude. Is he really worth dying over? I know you want to think that right now, because you are hurting, but you were alive before him, you will live again.

 

Was the 2 years all a lie? I have no idea. But does it matter in the end? Will it make you grieve less if you felt it wasn't? If so, then by all mean, think it. But it is over... at least for now. I bet he will come sniffing around again after he placates his wife with love and affection for a bit. He is a cheater - he is the perfect example of "once a cheat, always a cheat". You yourself admitted that he wasn't 100% trustworthy and yet you were willing to accept that That is the saddest part. BECAUSE YOU SHOULD NOT SETTLE for less than 100% trust. You shouldn't think you aren't worthy of 100% trust.

 

Please get some counseling. Grieve, be sad and then put this behind you as a learning experience.

[wheelwright]

Sorry other posters took offense to my post, that was not my intention.

 

Steelknife, my point was that regardless of what is happening in their home right now, it is no longer your concern. The only thing that matters right now is your healing. A d-day happened, he made his choices and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. The only thing you can do is pick yourself up and start your own healing. I know its hard to not have closure but, in these situations 99% of time that doesn't happen. You will need to find the strength within you, no matter how much it hurts, to accept that and move on.

 

Don't worry about them anymore - worry about you now. And in some crazy way, when you are finally past it, you will find that you have evolved. It's a hard way to learn, but use the opportunity to learn about yourself and why you ended up in this situation in the first place.

 

(((Hugs))) again sweety.

 

Nothing personal at all, here. But I can imagine my xMOM saying this, and in that context it makes me want to vomit.

 

Because I believed in love, and I was a fool.

 

And he, who I loved, made me a fool, along with myself.

 

Worrying about me?

 

So bizarre. That's what I did when I fell in love. That's why I did that.

 

Now, I worry about my sanity, my feelings, my naivity.

 

Not me. Me is lost right now.

 

The me that understands love.

 

The rest of me is still there.

[spice4life]

Nothing personal at all, here. But I can imagine my xMOM saying this, and in that context it makes me want to vomit.

 

Because I believed in love, and I was a fool.

 

And he, who I loved, made me a fool, along with myself.

 

Worrying about me?

 

So bizarre. That's what I did when I fell in love. That's why I did that.

 

Now, I worry about my sanity, my feelings, my naivity.

 

Not me. Me is lost right now.

 

The me that understands love.

 

The rest of me is still there.

 

Sorry. I don't want anyone to vomit. Lol. I've been there too and now, after all the drama, the hurt and devastation, I find myself in a different place. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to get here though. I found me again and not only that, I found a better me. I finally made it to the other side and make choices based on what I want and need now.

 

Believe me, what I went through was devastating. I fell in love and thought I had finally found what true love was all about and it happened to be with someone who was committed else where. It took a long time to put it into perspective and accept the reality of the situation.

 

I also did a lot of reading here and in other forums; it helped a lot. The one thing I learned about situations like steelknife's is that NC (including not reading their facebook) equals no new hurts. Her MM made his choice clear so what other alternative does she have but to accept it, protect herself from new hurts and just deal with the hurts she is left with.

 

That is all I was trying to say. I apologize if it hurt viewing it in a different context. I can see how it would after reading your post. Sorry about that. That was not my intention.

Edited October 22, 2010 by spice4life
because i screwed up.

[datura_noir]

I don't think you have died; I think that a part of you is in the beginning stages of being reborn. Your pain in this is equal to the growth as a person that you will experience.

 

I know that all sounds contrite and pretty:mad:, but may I relate to you?

 

I listened to a childrens song today; and I drew analogies from it. It was about hunting a bear (facing a huge change/crisis). And the steps needed to get there. The song stressed "you can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, you gotta go through it. And the song made auditory sounds as to going through a difficult phase to get to their goal.

 

There is no way around or under or over the pain; the pain must be faced and gone through and conquered. You've probably done it before in different situations, and will conquer it again.

 

Don't give up because there is so much more out there that is waiting for you. Might not even be a man, it could be a new passion or endeavor. Take your time grieving and feel the pain.

[Angel1111]

I don't know if this has been said already or not, but please listen to this very carefully. First of all, there is NO DOUBT in my mind that that picture is a bunch of baloney. You're absolutely right that it's aimed at you. It's a total joke because I can tell you that it takes a good 2 yrs for a marriage to recover from an affair, if it recovers at all. Two weeks - that's a laugh. His wife is still reeling and he is no doubt missing you like crazy. Do not ever underestimate your value. If you're missing his phone call in the morning, don't you think he misses making that call and hearing your voice? No one cuts off their feelings that quickly. He's just laying low because his wife is watching is every move, his every phone call.

 

I'm assuming that those pictures are on facebook and I have no idea why you haven't de-friended him yet. Please do that and stop sticking your neck out for it to be chopped off. This man has betrayed you in the worse sense and you should not ever forgive this. Do you understand that? You should never forgive it in the sense that you ever allow him to talk to you or enter your life ever again. When people do this kind of thing, you must protect yourself at all costs.

 

I can pretty much guarantee you that you haven't heard the last of him. I would bet money on it, that's how certain I am that you will hear from him again. I know this is totally heartbreaking but please let yourself get through this and move past it. You will. I know it doesn't seem like it now; doesn't seem like you'll ever love someone like this again - but that's not true. You deserve so much better than this. Please walk away completely and let yourself heal.

[steelknife]

thank you for all your replies and support. i am in this forum because i suddenly do not know myself anymore. im seared beyond any pain.

 

i turned in early last night. after reading a few advices here. i cried myself to sleep. i dreamt i was crying and wake or was i awake and crying i wanted to sleep?? i dunno. i didnt sleep well. or maybe i did, but dreamt i wasnt sleeping??

 

i woke up not feeling any better. woke up stoic. a zombie.

 

i am fully aware of what youre saying. some insights here have somehow helped me to toughen up, others are sounding too harsh but it is the reality. maybe i refuses to hear it bec it hurts and it will burst the bubble around me that i am protecting myself to face reality.

 

i was in the affair because i love the xmm. and i never doubted he loved me as much. he gave so much i dunno how he can confess everything to the BS if they want to start over. some things he did for me, to see me. or to call me, to be with me...he has to explain why. and i dont think he will ever be able to say that is how much he loves me. that is why, i am lost and confuse about all this.

 

i definitely know it is over. he is gone and has move on to saving his marriage. not me. am dumped and discarded and hurt.. the pictures last night, posted in BS fb, not xmm. were a direct attack to me. telling me to ward off. and i did. i dont have the right to stand up for myself. and i dont thnk xmm will. that is waht is painful.. i am fully aware of that, but i guess it just does not hurt as much as when you actually feel being let down big time.

 

i dunno if im still in denial. the pain is real for sure. but deep inside me, i k now what the xmm is going thru. i know i know!! i shoudl thnk about me and not him or his feeling.. but would you all believe me if i say, i pity him and what he has to go through? i know he has to hold his breath at home, walk on egg shell and i know, how much he misses me. i know "no choice" is not applicable, he had a choice, but he didnt choose me. and maybe because i am still delusional.

 

i just can not get over the pain yet. i will.. those pictures kept playing in my mind and yeah right, g rated version of what actually is happening..

 

he made a choice, and it wasnt me. and that what hurts.

 

again. thank you for all yoru support.

[whichwayisup]

i am fully aware of what youre saying. some insights here have somehow helped me to toughen up, others are sounding too harsh but it is the reality. maybe i refuses to hear it bec it hurts and it will burst the bubble around me that i am protecting myself to face reality.

 

This is the thing.. Right now focus on the advice which helps you NOW. When you feel stronger and are able to absorb the rest, harsher words and reality, is what will help you to the next phase.

 

You're hurt, you're grieving, you're in pain. Focus on getting through the day, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!

 

Do yourself a favour and delete them off of your facebook. Looking at pictures, seeing words, from either of them is not going to help. It'll just pour salt into your wounds.

 

Do yourself a favour, do NOT beat up on "you". What's done is done. He loved you, but not enough to give up what he has with his wife. Bottomline is, and rightfully so, he has the right to change his mind and go back home. Like it or not, it's something one has to keep in mind when entering an affair. Affairs can and do end, for whatever reason, but don't put yourself down and make it seem like the guy didn't care or love you. He did, just not in the way you wanted him to. Try your best not to minimize what you think he felt for you.

 

Tomorrow, even if for half an hour, go outside. Walk, get fresh air, get icecream, chips, chocolate, whatever is your favourite comfort food.. Call a good friend to come over and be with you as well. Isolating yourself isn't a good thing.

[steelknife]

thank you

i will try to help myself...

just so shattered. and where do i go from here....?

[Angel1111]

I have experienced the kind of mindless, out-of-body pain you're talking about. Where even when you sleep, you don't feel like you're sleeping, where you're on constant auto-pilot, where your dreams match your nightmarish reality, where sometimes you sit bolt upright from a dead sleep and find yourself already crying. This is a most horrible thing to have to go through but coming from someone who has been there, I'm alive and well to tell you that you do get through it and it does stop hurting. I wasn't betrayed by my xMM in the sense that you have been, but I was betrayed by my xh, which had me reeling for months.

 

I think that if I were in your shoes, I would be comforted to know that MM loves you. That would go a long way for me in terms of being able to move forward, but I understand that it doesn't take away the pain of what he has done and what he has allowed to happen in this situation, and how much you miss him. Regardless of whether he's trying to salvage his marriage or not, he could've very easily told his wife that he has to at least end it civilly with you. It doesn't so much speak of his lack of love for you as it speaks of his weakness, and of his marriage in general. And regardless of his reasons, he has done the unforgivable. Because the truth is he could call you - either from work or a pay phone, something. But he hasn't done that and he knows how much this is hurting you. There's no excuse for this and it's not something you should ever excuse.

 

I know you're convinced that you'll never hear from him again but that belief is what throws every OW off-balance when the relationship ends (whether she ends it or d-day ends it) - she doesn't see it coming, doesn't expect it and then out of the blue, he's suddenly back, suddenly calling, suddenly spouting sonnets. Please try to prepare yourself for this and for how you'll respond. I know it's what you want to happen but I hope you'll not be so easily swayed after he has treated you in this way, has hurt you in this callous manner, regardless of the story he tells you.

Edited October 22, 2010 by Angel1111

[2themoon&back]

thank you for all your replies and support. i am in this forum because i suddenly do not know myself anymore. im seared beyond any pain.

 

i turned in early last night. after reading a few advices here. i cried myself to sleep. i dreamt i was crying and wake or was i awake and crying i wanted to sleep?? i dunno. i didnt sleep well. or maybe i did, but dreamt i wasnt sleeping??

 

i woke up not feeling any better. woke up stoic. a zombie.

 

i am fully aware of what youre saying. some insights here have somehow helped me to toughen up, others are sounding too harsh but it is the reality. maybe i refuses to hear it bec it hurts and it will burst the bubble around me that i am protecting myself to face reality.

 

i was in the affair because i love the xmm. and i never doubted he loved me as much. he gave so much i dunno how he can confess everything to the BS if they want to start over. some things he did for me, to see me. or to call me, to be with me...he has to explain why. and i dont think he will ever be able to say that is how much he loves me. that is why, i am lost and confuse about all this.

 

i definitely know it is over. he is gone and has move on to saving his marriage. not me. am dumped and discarded and hurt.. the pictures last night, posted in BS fb, not xmm. were a direct attack to me. telling me to ward off. and i did. i dont have the right to stand up for myself. and i dont thnk xmm will. that is waht is painful.. i am fully aware of that, but i guess it just does not hurt as much as when you actually feel being let down big time.

 

i dunno if im still in denial. the pain is real for sure. but deep inside me, i k now what the xmm is going thru. i know i know!! i shoudl thnk about me and not him or his feeling.. but would you all believe me if i say, i pity him and what he has to go through? i know he has to hold his breath at home, walk on egg shell and i know, how much he misses me. i know "no choice" is not applicable, he had a choice, but he didnt choose me. and maybe because i am still delusional.

 

i just can not get over the pain yet. i will.. those pictures kept playing in my mind and yeah right, g rated version of what actually is happening..

 

he made a choice, and it wasnt me. and that what hurts.

 

again. thank you for all yoru support.

 

 

steelknige, I wish I could tell you what happens in the end, but I seem to not have any good advice right now, if I did I not only would I share it, I would use some for myself.

 

 

Our situations are similar; it spooks me, a little. I hate it because I know just what kind of pain you are talking about, I cannot seem to get past it myself and at the same time I am glad to know I am not alone, I feel so alone here. I feel like I must be the stupidest person in the world and then I feel like no he did love me but not enough, it was enough for me but not for him to do different. I just cannot get a handle on it all. I ping pong back and forth here. I guess for me I have never allowed myself to grieve before this and I am sure some days I am not going to make it, but I do. I know you are getting some great insight here...again it is helping me too. I dread getting up everyday finding myself still in the same spot, and wanting xMM, to know just how bad he hurt me, and having no way to tell him or get answers to why he even bothered me to begin with if all he planned on doing was hurting me in the end. (I know because I let him, but that’s for another day not today)

 

 

My xMM told his BS that he loved me on many different occasions, and the last time in front of their lawyer, while he signed over his half of everything they owned...one would think that would have been the end of it, but nope they are together still, and she acts the same way as your BS, like everything is great. I cannot see how. He told her everything was true, that he never ended the A, even when she told him to and that he loves me, and I cannot wrap my head around all of it. I just know he went back to the M, and I have got to find a way to move on, I am still in shock and way too much pain. I love him so very much. I do have to tell myself after all this that the M must have some real bad issues, even before me and I know things cannot be great, I don't think they have been for a long time, and my guess is they never really will be, because they are not really working on thier M as much as saving face and that is not going to help anything.

 

Angel1111, I think has been here as well and I hope one day we both will be where she in now, she seems to really get it.

I know I should tell you something hopeful and stellar, but all I can offer you at this time, which I do not know if it offers any comfort, is you are not alone, I am right here with you. So when you think no one understands, I do, as does so many here on LS.

Hang in there…

[spice4life]

thank you

i will try to help myself...

just so shattered. and where do i go from here....?

 

So sorry that you are going through this. I've been there too and know that the pain is absolutely excruciating. It was one of the worst things I ever experienced in my life. I made it through though and have grown a lot in spite of it all.

 

Where do you go from here? Cut yourself a break and try to heal in the best way you can. The other posters are right in saying that he did love you and is missing you like crazy too. You can find comfort in knowing that. But, now that you know the pain that's involved, do you want to go through this again? You have choices too. You can choose to hear what he has to say if he comes poking around again or you can say no way, it hurt way too much...call me when your single. It's completely up to you. There is comfort in knowing that they aren't the only ones with choices - you have them too.

 

I read some where that it takes 21 days to break a habit. Why not make it a little goal and focus on getting through the first 21 days without any new hurts and see how you feel? If you slip up don't beat yourself up over it, just reset the clock and try again. Once you make it to the 21st day give yourself a reward and set another small goal. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself. It's a huge loss and you have every right to feel what your feeling and every right to grieve.

 

I wish I could tell you that there is a magic wand that will make it all go away but sadly there's not. You can get through this though. I did it and so did many others here. Take comfort in knowing that too.

[2sure]

I have the same advice for OW and BS after D-Day:

 

The sooner you stop making the BS/OW part of your thinking process the better. She didnt do anything to you.

 

The BS has no idea what happened between you and her H. The OW has no idea what is going on in their home.

 

The one thing you can COUNT on is that BOTH were lied to.

 

As much as OW needs to believe that the marriage was crap and that the affair was valid...the BS needs to believe that the affair was not important and the marriage is worth saving.

[ladydesigner]

I have the same advice for OW and BS after D-Day:

 

The sooner you stop making the BS/OW part of your thinking process the better. She didnt do anything to you.

 

The BS has no idea what happened between you and her H. The OW has no idea what is going on in their home.

 

The one thing you can COUNT on is that BOTH were lied to.

 

As much as OW needs to believe that the marriage was crap and that the affair was valid...the BS needs to believe that the affair was not important and the marriage is worth saving.

 

So true, what a great post 2sure.

[goingstrong]

He'll be back when there is a rough patch in the marriage rebuilding...count on it.

[steelknife]

angel1111

2themoon&back

 

 

im glad there are people who can understand what i am going through. it is so tough and so painful i dontknow where i get the strngth to get out of bed and do my job.

 

the last 15 days have been an agony. the first week i kept thinking hows he been doing and how my heart goes to him and how i pity him for his situation at home after dday. i was hurt also bec he didnt get in touch with me. or said goodbye bec i he dropped me like a hot potato. but my heart was with him. THEN. i saW THE pics. its like, all this time, you werent even thinking of me. and thats why i just shattered. how can you pick up just where youleft off when we had so mcuh to share??

 

 

am i that easy to forget. am i truly the wet dishrag i believed myself to be? yeah right, he can make me a call fr work from anywhere if he wants to. jsut to say goodbye or xplain. i see no excuse for not calling. if the bs confiscated his phone, there are other ways. i believe so.

 

but no. nothing. i just have to live with this.