i died today

[Angel1111]

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know it hurts so much. You'd probably crawl out of your own skin if you could. Please try to take comfort in the good things, and always remember that you're going to stop hurting someday. You really will. In the meantime, keep your presence of mind and don't screw up your job or do things that will worsen things in your life. I know you think they can't get any worse but they really can.

 

I know this man must be feeling like the biggest jerk in the world right now, as well he should.

[Mimolicious]

Whether they are faked happinessbor legitimate is regardless. She's won...but I wouldn't want what she's won anyway. A serial cheater with no backbone or sense of respect for other people's feelings. Good for her, she got the prize...until it gets comfortable again and he goes wandering again. Now SK can keep playing and win the bigger prize, better, healthier, trustworthy and all hers.

 

 

This is kinda controversial dont'cha think? Isn't this the same gentleman that the OP is basically mourning? So now because he chose to stick to his M, he is a cheating weak POS? Whe just found this out or something...

 

Just wondering, would he be a "trustworthy healthier, bigger prize, if he would have left his W for SK?

 

Interesting altering.

[jthorne]

This is kinda controversial dont'cha think? Isn't this the same gentleman that the OP is basically mourning? So now because he chose to stick to his M, he is a cheating weak POS? Whe just found this out or something...

 

Just wondering, would he be a "trustworthy healthier, bigger prize, if he would have left his W for SK?

 

Interesting altering.

I've tried to make this point several times on several threads, to no avail.

[steelknife]

know what. anger if is a good feeling to have. in a way. at this very very moment, there is a small one starting to grow in myheart. i know this is just the start of the myriad of emotions that ill go through. but it will be a good thing, seriously.

 

as opposed to feeling hurt, this one is better, i kinda get a good grip about the A and look at it the way a SANE person would. i used to have a very high regard for myself and very low regard for people who cheat, until i found myself in one. and there was no explanation or justification for it. 'cept that i love him. it was wrong to everyone, morally wrong, yet i went thru it.

 

the man i love dumped me. now the questions keep coming and they wont be answered. i am hurt the way things ended. we had so many chances in the past to save ourselves and just made a clean break but no, "our love" always brought him back and "our love" always made me take him again and we go on and on till the next moral issue pokes us. but now that dday has come, where is his love for me? none? not even a drop enough to tell me it has to end? it has to of course, but from someone who i love so much and i believed has love me back with the same intensity, i expect at least a goodbye. and perhaps to tell me how he loves me but... i expect to be treated like a human being, not a thing to be discarded.

 

i am angry now. at myself. at him for dumping me just like this. and i am hurt like nothing in the past. i dont have any regrets. maybe the only thing genuine is my love for him. i dont have any questions or doubts, deep inside me. And regardless of what i might say. i know he loves me. and i know he thnks of me. and i truly believed we has something... but i need to toughen up and help myself. closure will come whether he says goodbye or not. i just need to help myself. how..well - time will tell.

 

i guess its best to just not hear from him again. and ive done measures so he wont be able to get in touch with me. unless he drives 35 min to see me. which, im sure, he wouldnt be able to explain to the BS where he went. if i allow him to talk to me, the wall i am putting up to help me move on will crumble and all those hurt feelings will come back again.. im not saying it is gone. it is still there..and i am very bitter.

 

how could he just walk away. how could he.

 

and im not blaming him for going back to his wife, he never left her in the first place. and right from the start, ive seen how terrified he is of her, and of getting caught. jsut that if he felt for me what he said he did, then he cant just walk away...

 

one night, during one of our quiet moments where we just hug and hug and hug and talk. he told me something; he said he would compare our relationship to a plant. it has grown because he has nurtured and taken care of it. he didnt want to, but he did. he never wanted to get involved further than he had planned. but now he is, he said ill take care of this plant. and if one day, he and i will no longer be us, there would be a big hole in his life, the place that was for me.. and like the plant, it will leave a big hole in the ground where all the roots used to be.

[spice4life]

know what. anger if is a good feeling to have. in a way. at this very very moment, there is a small one starting to grow in myheart. i know this is just the start of the myriad of emotions that ill go through. but it will be a good thing, seriously.

 

as opposed to feeling hurt, this one is better, i kinda get a good grip about the A and look at it the way a SANE person would. i used to have a very high regard for myself and very low regard for people who cheat, until i found myself in one. and there was no explanation or justification for it. 'cept that i love him. it was wrong to everyone, morally wrong, yet i went thru it.

 

the man i love dumped me. now the questions keep coming and they wont be answered. i am hurt the way things ended. we had so many chances in the past to save ourselves and just made a clean break but no, "our love" always brought him back and "our love" always made me take him again and we go on and on till the next moral issue pokes us. but now that dday has come, where is his love for me? none? not even a drop enough to tell me it has to end? it has to of course, but from someone who i love so much and i believed has love me back with the same intensity, i expect at least a goodbye. and perhaps to tell me how he loves me but... i expect to be treated like a human being, not a thing to be discarded.

 

i am angry now. at myself. at him for dumping me just like this. and i am hurt like nothing in the past. i dont have any regrets. maybe the only thing genuine is my love for him. i dont have any questions or doubts, deep inside me. And regardless of what i might say. i know he loves me. and i know he thnks of me. and i truly believed we has something... but i need to toughen up and help myself. closure will come whether he says goodbye or not. i just need to help myself. how..well - time will tell.

 

i guess its best to just not hear from him again. and ive done measures so he wont be able to get in touch with me. unless he drives 35 min to see me. which, im sure, he wouldnt be able to explain to the BS where he went. if i allow him to talk to me, the wall i am putting up to help me move on will crumble and all those hurt feelings will come back again.. im not saying it is gone. it is still there..and i am very bitter.

 

how could he just walk away. how could he.

 

and im not blaming him for going back to his wife, he never left her in the first place. and right from the start, ive seen how terrified he is of her, and of getting caught. jsut that if he felt for me what he said he did, then he cant just walk away...

 

one night, during one of our quiet moments where we just hug and hug and hug and talk. he told me something; he said he would compare our relationship to a plant. it has grown because he has nurtured and taken care of it. he didnt want to, but he did. he never wanted to get involved further than he had planned. but now he is, he said ill take care of this plant. and if one day, he and i will no longer be us, there would be a big hole in his life, the place that was for me.. and like the plant, it will leave a big hole in the ground where all the roots used to be.

 

This is good... this is good, steelknife. You are allowing yourself to feel the emotions. Keep venting it out and the answers will keep coming. These are all relevant questions you are asking youself. I'm going through the same thing right now for a different situation...not where the mm was concerned.

 

It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, it is still a loss and it hurts. You will be going through a lot of ups and downs until its over but you will get through it.

 

Stay strong and good for you!

Edited October 23, 2010 by spice4life

[steelknife]

just when you thought you have somehow gotten a tiny grip of the situation.. you lost it all again..

 

today a mutual friend rang me and ask if i want to join him in a place where a group of us from this certain country meet. and i asked who are the people going, casually he mentioned names and he said the name i didnt want to hear. i get it xmm is there wiht out the bs, but with his kids. and i made up some excuses not to go.. because it brought so much pain again.

 

and im left wondering. has it been that easy? why am i stuck and hurt and grieving when he and bs have gone with with sweety pic just 5 days after d day and now, he is having fun somewhere?

 

i cant understand this? he has not properly said goodbye and it has broken me. but he has move on as if, as if, as it everything, i was nothing...

[spice4life]

 

and im left wondering. has it been that easy? why am i stuck and hurt and grieving when he and bs have gone with with sweety pic just 5 days after d day and now, he is having fun somewhere?

 

i cant understand this? he has not properly said goodbye and it has broken me. but he has move on as if, as if, as it everything, i was nothing...

 

It may seem like it is easy for him, but I highly doubt it. You are probably on his mind every minute of the day. Guys deal with emotional things differently than we do and he might be trying to keep himself busy to avoid feeling the hurt. He also has children and no matter how bad he is feeling, he has to put on a good face for them.

 

Did this mutual friend know about the A? This may have been his way of reaching out to you. his W is probably monitoring his every move so he had a friend put feelers out for him. I could be wrong but this might be the case. You did the right thing by not going. This sends a clear message that you are hurting and angry that he tossed you aside so quickly. You are letting him know that if he wants to talk to you he will have to "man up" and do it properly.

 

I know you are in a lot of pain but you are handling this very well! You are looking out for you and that is exactly what you should be doing. Stay strong and again, good for you. You are taking care of yourself!

[steelknife]

no. this friend doenst know anything about the affair. i dont anyone does.

 

until late last night. something else came up. i dont thnk ill ever get over this, i truly have not recover fromt he dumping, the pics and now this!!!

 

people are starting to talk about me. not the affair directly but they are talks that i have been running after my xmm thats why he wasnt able to resist me. it is safe the assume it is the bs saying that to her circle of friends which extended to our mutual circle of friends. i dont want to thnk, but i thnk it is the xmm who said that to his bs to save his ass? last night, i cried myself to sleep. again. i am hurting way too much. i dunno anymore what is going on. i am hanging on and saying to myself ill get over this.

 

i want to call him. call her. but what is the point?? seriously. i am the outsider here. the shame is on me, but if he is saying that to save his a**. how can he?????? the first week i was so hurt for him and worried about him i didnt really thnk of my pain - then THIS?

 

i really didnt have any plans to go to that affair yesterday. especially when it was confirmed he was there. but i dunno what to thnk anymore. i loved and ive truly loved him. it was honest. and i thought i was getting the same things, but the way things are, it is coming out as he was just playing with my feelings. he is not even man enough to give me a decent goodbye and a closure. then, this. although i dont expect him to defend me to his wife (although that should be the case), but to discredit me and say i was after him.. that is not just fair. he could at least owe it to his wife but being honest. to save his face, maybe he said it was just sex? i was handy? i was always there and available?

 

oh no.. how can i ever ever ever come out of this i am completely shattered i want to call him and swear at him but what do will that make me?? it is best to just fade away and ive done that but it seems it is not the way it is gonna be. i expect the stories and gossip to be bigger. what do i do what do i do?

 

i have nowehere to go emotionally. i have very little to cling on to. and this has to happen- now what???

[spice4life]

Wow, sorry to hear that. Unfortunately many MM's do say stuff like this to save their own a$$. It's a horrible thing to do but this how it sometimes plays out once a d-day happens. They throw the OW under the bus and start groveling to save their marriage.

 

Do you have any friends in this circle you can confide in to help set the record straight? Is there anyone you can trust? Also, what was the usual communication method between the two of you? Did he initiate contact and was it through text, email, phone? If you have proofthat he was a willing participant then save it just in case someone confronts you. At the very least, you can show them it wasn't all you.

 

Don't give up on yourself. You will get through this even though that seems impossible right now. Just understand that the BS is hurting too and this her way of lashing out. Hopefully, she will calm down eventually once she sees that you are no longer in the picture. I know you won't, but DO NOT try to contact him under any circumstances. Stay away completely. It is their marriage and their issue now. With you out of the picture they will have to face their own problems head on and believe me, it won't have anything to do with you.

 

Protect yourself though if she tries to hurt you in any way. She may even try to call you to get your side of the story. If she does, be honest and answer her questions the best you can. She is hurting just like you are and it is completely understandable given the circumstances. Don't trash her to anyone even though she is doing it. She is doing it because she feels betrayed and it's the only way she knows how to deal with the pain.

 

Hang in their sweety and keep posting to vent it all out.

[steelknife]

today, the xmm who left without saying goodbye rang me. i didnt see it coming. he never rings my homephone. but this morning he did. and told me that he never had any intentions anymore to call me. he left with out saying goodbye bec he said, that was best for everyone concerned. the bs, his bec he cant bear to say it and me, bec he knew he will hurt me.

he hurt me more by just leaving but ...

 

he said he is ringing to tell me how much he misses me and how hard he is trying to save his marriage. and with much guts i could muster, i asked, cant you see yourself with me? and he said, "i can leave her. but i cant bear to see the kids grow up with out me" and he said just dont forget how much he loves me. but he said he has decided to correct his mistakes and make up for all his shortcomings. well and good i said.

 

and i know he is having a very hard time. he never said he wanted us to say "us" because all his time not is constantly monitored. i made the decision for him. i said its best you work out on your marriage. because somehow i pity the bs. she is not the woman i thought she was, she is doing her best to save their marriange and her family.

 

i got the closure i got. now i just have to move on.

[wheelwright]

know what. anger if is a good feeling to have. in a way. at this very very moment, there is a small one starting to grow in myheart. i know this is just the start of the myriad of emotions that ill go through. but it will be a good thing, seriously.

 

as opposed to feeling hurt, this one is better, i kinda get a good grip about the A and look at it the way a SANE person would. i used to have a very high regard for myself and very low regard for people who cheat, until i found myself in one. and there was no explanation or justification for it. 'cept that i love him. it was wrong to everyone, morally wrong, yet i went thru it.

 

the man i love dumped me. now the questions keep coming and they wont be answered. i am hurt the way things ended. we had so many chances in the past to save ourselves and just made a clean break but no, "our love" always brought him back and "our love" always made me take him again and we go on and on till the next moral issue pokes us. but now that dday has come, where is his love for me? none? not even a drop enough to tell me it has to end? it has to of course, but from someone who i love so much and i believed has love me back with the same intensity, i expect at least a goodbye. and perhaps to tell me how he loves me but... i expect to be treated like a human being, not a thing to be discarded.

 

i am angry now. at myself. at him for dumping me just like this. and i am hurt like nothing in the past. i dont have any regrets. maybe the only thing genuine is my love for him. i dont have any questions or doubts, deep inside me. And regardless of what i might say. i know he loves me. and i know he thnks of me. and i truly believed we has something... but i need to toughen up and help myself. closure will come whether he says goodbye or not. i just need to help myself. how..well - time will tell.

 

i guess its best to just not hear from him again. and ive done measures so he wont be able to get in touch with me. unless he drives 35 min to see me. which, im sure, he wouldnt be able to explain to the BS where he went. if i allow him to talk to me, the wall i am putting up to help me move on will crumble and all those hurt feelings will come back again.. im not saying it is gone. it is still there..and i am very bitter.

 

how could he just walk away. how could he.

 

and im not blaming him for going back to his wife, he never left her in the first place. and right from the start, ive seen how terrified he is of her, and of getting caught. jsut that if he felt for me what he said he did, then he cant just walk away...

 

one night, during one of our quiet moments where we just hug and hug and hug and talk. he told me something; he said he would compare our relationship to a plant. it has grown because he has nurtured and taken care of it. he didnt want to, but he did. he never wanted to get involved further than he had planned. but now he is, he said ill take care of this plant. and if one day, he and i will no longer be us, there would be a big hole in his life, the place that was for me.. and like the plant, it will leave a big hole in the ground where all the roots used to be.

 

I just wanted to say you expressed yourself well, and that I feel for you.

 

I hope your clarity eventually brings you peace of mind. Despite the mess.

[datura_noir]

today, the xmm who left without saying goodbye rang me. i didnt see it coming. he never rings my homephone. but this morning he did. and told me that he never had any intentions anymore to call me. he left with out saying goodbye bec he said, that was best for everyone concerned. the bs, his bec he cant bear to say it and me, bec he knew he will hurt me.

he hurt me more by just leaving but ...

 

he said he is ringing to tell me how much he misses me and how hard he is trying to save his marriage. and with much guts i could muster, i asked, cant you see yourself with me? and he said, "i can leave her. but i cant bear to see the kids grow up with out me" and he said just dont forget how much he loves me. but he said he has decided to correct his mistakes and make up for all his shortcomings. well and good i said.

 

and i know he is having a very hard time. he never said he wanted us to say "us" because all his time not is constantly monitored. i made the decision for him. i said its best you work out on your marriage. because somehow i pity the bs. she is not the woman i thought she was, she is doing her best to save their marriange and her family.

 

i got the closure i got. now i just have to move on.

 

 

It still is and always will be ALL ABOUT HIM.

WTF??He doesn't want his kids to grow up WITHOUT WONDERFUL HIM?? How great a Dad he must be! They must crowd at his knees and shower him with stories of how they missed him when he arrives home from whatever he is doing.

 

He won't see them??How is that possible? Unless his BS has to move in with family far away due to depleted finances incurred due to a divorce, but hey, he COULD fight for full custody. Would it put a crimp in his style having kids underfoot all the time? Or is it the other fear, having to pay a significant amount of his pay and see his kids every (or every other) weekend-which DEFINITELY puts his free time at risk.

 

It seems to me he just wanted to waltz into another relationship and be thought of as the good guy who had hard time/marriage, and nobody has to hurt. He probably wanted his wife to make things so easy on him because of her unconditional love for him, that she would releive him of all of his duties. And that you would be there, waiting hopefully, ready to soothe and comfort his broken heart. What a nice guy.

 

I liked you anger stage better.

[datura_noir]

know what. anger if is a good feeling to have. in a way. at this very very moment, there is a small one starting to grow in myheart. i know this is just the start of the myriad of emotions that ill go through. but it will be a good thing, seriously.

 

as opposed to feeling hurt, this one is better, i kinda get a good grip about the A and look at it the way a SANE person would. i used to have a very high regard for myself and very low regard for people who cheat, until i found myself in one. and there was no explanation or justification for it. 'cept that i love him. it was wrong to everyone, morally wrong, yet i went thru it.

 

the man i love dumped me. now the questions keep coming and they wont be answered. i am hurt the way things ended. we had so many chances in the past to save ourselves and just made a clean break but no, "our love" always brought him back and "our love" always made me take him again and we go on and on till the next moral issue pokes us. but now that dday has come, where is his love for me? none? not even a drop enough to tell me it has to end? it has to of course, but from someone who i love so much and i believed has love me back with the same intensity, i expect at least a goodbye. and perhaps to tell me how he loves me but... i expect to be treated like a human being, not a thing to be discarded.

 

i am angry now. at myself. at him for dumping me just like this. and i am hurt like nothing in the past. i dont have any regrets. maybe the only thing genuine is my love for him. i dont have any questions or doubts, deep inside me. And regardless of what i might say. i know he loves me. and i know he thnks of me. and i truly believed we has something... but i need to toughen up and help myself. closure will come whether he says goodbye or not. i just need to help myself. how..well - time will tell.

 

i guess its best to just not hear from him again. and ive done measures so he wont be able to get in touch with me. unless he drives 35 min to see me. which, im sure, he wouldnt be able to explain to the BS where he went. if i allow him to talk to me, the wall i am putting up to help me move on will crumble and all those hurt feelings will come back again.. im not saying it is gone. it is still there..and i am very bitter.

 

how could he just walk away. how could he.

 

and im not blaming him for going back to his wife, he never left her in the first place. and right from the start, ive seen how terrified he is of her, and of getting caught. jsut that if he felt for me what he said he did, then he cant just walk away...

 

one night, during one of our quiet moments where we just hug and hug and hug and talk. he told me something; he said he would compare our relationship to a plant. it has grown because he has nurtured and taken care of it. he didnt want to, but he did. he never wanted to get involved further than he had planned. but now he is, he said ill take care of this plant. and if one day, he and i will no longer be us, there would be a big hole in his life, the place that was for me.. and like the plant, it will leave a big hole in the ground where all the roots used to be.

 

You need to get a hold of the MM handbook-this sounds like page 148-how to charm your mistress after the fall out. I hear it works well...

 

PS: Did I mention I liked your anger stage better??

[on a learning curve]

I like your anger stage, too.

 

May feel like a steel knife in your wind pipe, right now, but you are expressing yourself well.

 

You are right when you said that your MM never left his wife in the first place...god love ya for saying that - an honest expression if I ever heard one.

 

You will be ok. Stay strong sweetheart (Eminem helps).

[steelknife]

he chose them. not me. regardless of what he keeps saying about how he loves me and how he keeps thinking of me. how he thnks of me when he is hugging her.

 

and it is ONE me versus FOUR them. the more the heavier. did he mean that in terms of weight?

 

and he said that the dday brought the bs so mcuh pain he blamed himself for all the mess they were in. things, he said are better these days because she somehow accepted the role, of lack if it, she played, as the wife in their marriage and he promised he will not do it again and just give him a chance and they are starting all over again. ok. fine. i said. work it out. i wanted to lashed out. but hey, that is their marriage and yes, i am the intruder. if choice is want i wanted, he made it already on dday. i told him i cant be the ow anymore, sneaking and all. and starting a new life with me is jsut not in the picture.

 

the wife kept asking how much he love me and he lies. he said he doenst want to hurt her and i said tell her (it will help, for them to make their marriage work) but he said she knows thats why she is doing acrobatic to please him (wow, how can i compete with that) and she keeps asking what i did for him to love me more, to tell her and she will do it just promise he wont get in touch with me anymore. i pity the woman because she is so desperate now but i cant blame her. that is her marriange and her husband. she did something to her hair, he told me (mine is long and straight).

 

 

well ok then.. i am still stunned from the conversation but i knew it was coming. closure i was asking. and closure i get. i will survive. i will. i still have a lot of questions but i know one thing,ive got no place in their marriage.

 

now where to?

(am just ranting and raving uselessly. bear with me please. after going to the second stage in DABDA. once again, am back to first stage)

[spice4life]

Wow, steelknife you are an incredibly strong person. I admire how you see things so clearly. My guess is that you will be totally fine once this is all through. Someone is going to walk into your life that is totally free and able to give you the love that you deserve.

 

Good luck sweety! You deserve the best and don't forget it!

[Angel1111]

First of all, I'm glad he called. At least he finally showed some humanity toward you. Secondly, if there are rumors about you chasing him, it's probably his wife spreading those rumors, not him. My xMM's wife did the same thing with me - she didin't know we were having an affair but she was incredibly jealous of me and told people that I call her husband all the time, that I chase him, that kind of thing. Understandably she was jealous so she said things that made her feel better, and made her look better. But I know that deep in her heart, she knew better. She saw her husband when he was around me, she found a text he sent me once. It was just a little xmas bear or something like that but the message was clear - he was pursuing me, making contact with me on his own. But I doubt she ever knew the extent of it - that I rarely called him, that he continually pursued me. This is a hard thing for a woman to accept about her husband and I totally get that.

 

Your xMM's wife is desperately trying to hang onto her marriage. That is totally understandable and maybe, just maybe, they'll be able to get past this affair. But I can assure you that it has made it's mark, it has done incredible damage. It will be years before they move past it. Everything you see that looks lovey-dovey and chummy is just a show right now. They are both in shock, getting through each day as best they can, in their own way.

 

Your xMM is probably not only reeling from losing you, but he is probably reeling even more from hurting his wife the way he has. There is nothing like the feeling of knowing you're the cause of hurting someone to that degree. I used to tell my xMM that despite how he seemed flippant about getting caught, that he did not want his wife to find out because it would floor him as to how much she would be hurt. What your xMM is experiencing is very typical and understandable. No one likes to hurt others and, believe me, she is hurt massively. You can tell by the questions she asks that she already knows her husband loves another woman. She is crushed to her core.

 

If it were me, I think I would feel better that he finally contacted you and that you were able to tell him that this is the end of the line. Stay strong, sweetie, and you will be happy again someday. But it will be a process. Not to say that every single day for the next 2 yrs will be total misery, but it will take time, and each day will hurt less than the one before (although it won't seem like it at first), until finally it no longer hurts. I've said it before but I think it's important to say again - xMM was not just using you. You meant a great deal to him. Know that you have great value and are lovable. That means a lot.

[steelknife]

spice4life

angel1111

and to all the posters and readers

 

 

during our two years and mos love affair, there were so many occasions i wanted to end it. we did try-it never worked. we always find ourselves back to each other. and on my own, i have realized that the only way ill be able to leave and let go, is when he will make me very hurt and very angry. many times, it happened but we always sort it out. until dday. i was hurt beyond definition. and desperately hanging for some sort of assurance, and closure.

 

when he called yesterday. i thought ill lashed out on him. but i didnt. i was already at the point where i know i have to let him go. it was time. as we were speaking, ive never felt love as i have for him at that very moment. and the only way i can show it to him is by letting him go. ive said what i needed to say.

 

i know now what it means when you accept. it is very easy when you are ready.. ive seen the damage the affair has done to their marriage but i really think, they will make it. seriously. they both want to make it work and my role has somehow been a catalyst. although it hurts, i know he has to make a choice. i wanted him to choose me but the choice he made is something i can never take against him. his call made a lot of difference to me and the desperate situation i was in, i was barely hanging on - he let me walk away with dignity. i knew where i stood. i knew he loved me, and how much. and i understood him..

 

i realized loving someone is not always about me. the only explanation i have for loving a married man is because i love him and that was just that. i never thought about his family, i never had any intention of hurting them. i want to, but i never had the plans to take him away from them. i was just loving. and he loved me right back. he lived for each moment. he gave me what he can, and it was the best in his capacity considering the condition he was in. but the best proof that ive loved, is the capacity and strength to let go. i love him that much.. and i jsut thought ill never get to this stage. ive always been very selfish and possessive because i wanted him to myself. whatever doubts i had about him in the past, i will let it go. the memories i want to keep in my heart is how much he loves me. he said that i should not forget that. i believe him and thats it.

 

to spice4life. thank you but ive never thought myself as strong. ive had other challenges in life and although it always work out to my favor in the end, strong im not. but as they say, you dont know your own strength until you have to be.

 

angel1111. he said, thnking of me and not having me drove him crazy but he wanted to keep his family. i know there are regrets in his voice, regrets i guess for hurting his wife, he owed it all; he said he admitted to his wife, apologized, promised wont do it again, he is going to change and they will start all over again. and at the same breath told me how much he loves me..life as ive said is full of choices. he made his choice. and from there, i made mine. it hurts. but i feel better now because i know i will be free from the cycle i was trapped.

 

and two lessons i learned;

1. i cant be the ow, it hurts too much.

2. i realized there is so much love in me. i just have to give it to the right person..

 

thank you dear readers. i would still be around. thank you for all your encouragement.

[Angel1111]

angel1111. he said, thnking of me and not having me drove him crazy but he wanted to keep his family. i know there are regrets in his voice, regrets i guess for hurting his wife, he owed it all; he said he admitted to his wife, apologized, promised wont do it again, he is going to change and they will start all over again. and at the same breath told me how much he loves me..life as ive said is full of choices. he made his choice. and from there, i made mine. it hurts. but i feel better now because i know i will be free from the cycle i was trapped.

 

and two lessons i learned;

1. i cant be the ow, it hurts too much.

2. i realized there is so much love in me. i just have to give it to the right person..

 

thank you dear readers. i would still be around. thank you for all your encouragement.

 

I think there are a couple of things to understand. One is that men don't seem to make the same decisions based on love that women tend to. Men seem to be geared to think about their responsibilities and that's a high priority to them, even when they do things that jeapordizes it. I believe this is why women will much more readily leave a relationship that they're unhappy in, opposed to men who will stick around. It's not about not loving you enough, it's about his other obligations that he puts before you because, in his mind, it defines him as a man.

 

The other thing is that now that I've been away from the OW situation, I am slowly coming back to the person I was. Being the OW gave me so much unrest inside; kept a dark shadow over me. Despite my love for xMM, I am so glad to be out of that situation. Wild horses couldn't drag me back into it.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Angel1111

[steelknife]

I think there are a couple of things to understand. One is that men don't seem to make the same decisions based on love that women tend to. Men seem to be geared to think about their responsibilities and that's a high priority to them, even when they do things that jeapordizes it. I believe this is why women will much more readily leave a relationship that they're unhappy in, opposed to men who will stick around. It's not about not loving you enough, it's about his other obligations that he puts before you because, in his mind, it defines him as a man.

 

The other thing is that now that I've been away from the OW situation, I am slowly coming back to the person I was. Being the OW gave me so much unrest inside; kept a dark shadow over me. Despite my love for xMM, I am so glad to be out of that situation. Wild horses couldn't drag me back into it.

 

yes youre right. he loves me but he never said once that he feels the same for his wife. he keeps saying that he cant leave them."what will happen to my kids?" he said. although it is given the love is there, after all. she is the mother of his children. life with me, is just not an option. but i sincerely wish their marriage will work out. she has taken all "our" time together, what little it was. our means of communication and when, they are doing it now. it hurts, i feel protective about those "times" but well, they never did belong to me.

 

i told him to make it work since bs is trying so hard to save their marriage.

it hurt me but it jst made me realize i was really an intruder into a bond and committment that allows only two people.

 

being the ow has degraded me. it was a wonderful feeling being loved and inlove and it clouds the truth about being kept a secret. and it hurts so much i dont understand how i was able to stand it. im not out of loving him. i still do. but i know i will now balked if i will betreated like i was (as ow) again.

[Angel1111]

yes youre right. he loves me but he never said once that he feels the same for his wife. he keeps saying that he cant leave them."what will happen to my kids?" he said.

 

What he asks about the kids is a valid question. I think we all like to think that we should be madly in love with our spouses. But I'm starting to think that if we just like them, we're doing pretty well. I'm not saying that people should 'sell out' but I think marriage is about way more than just that feeling of being in love. That's not to say that if a person is miserable or in an abusive marriage that they shouldn't leave - I'm talking about normal relationships. I think if 'misery' sums up any relationship, it's time to get out. But marriage is a very tangled web, so even when things aren't great, they still have a huge bearing on our lives and our tendency is to stay. Since men don't leave marriages easily, I think this is why they cheat more often than women.

 

I agree - I felt degraded as the OW too. I dropped my guard once and paid for it dearly. I'll never do it again.

[steelknife]

What he asks about the kids is a valid question. I think we all like to think that we should be madly in love with our spouses. But I'm starting to think that if we just like them, we're doing pretty well. I'm not saying that people should 'sell out' but I think marriage is about way more than just that feeling of being in love. That's not to say that if a person is miserable or in an abusive marriage that they shouldn't leave - I'm talking about normal relationships. I think if 'misery' sums up any relationship, it's time to get out. But marriage is a very tangled web, so even when things aren't great, they still have a huge bearing on our lives and our tendency is to stay. Since men don't leave marriages easily, I think this is why they cheat more often than women.

 

I agree - I felt degraded as the OW too. I dropped my guard once and paid for it dearly. I'll never do it again.

 

when we spoke he gave me an insight of how he is living his life now. there is just no space for me or any one else. the bs is determined to push my memory over and to make it work. i felt pain when i knew he fessed up with all "our" details but i do understand. ya i undertand. i told him to make it work.

 

as i said, life is full of choices. in his case, and i guess it also comes from coming in the same culture, separation and divorced; they are just not acceptable. but funny how you would rather stay unhappy. than leave happy. but ya i understand. kids. obligation. and i guess a genuine concern and yes, love for you spouse.

 

i am very hurt. i never once expected him to leave but when he chose to stay, the feeling of rejection is there. i dont think i can live my life with him knowing the heart break he has caused his kids, wife and all other relatives. possibly we can move on but, at this point. it is a lost case. i was rejected and it hurts. i try to redeem myself that we both truly did love. it was a feeling i will always treasure. it was a normal relationship in every sense, except taht he is committed.

 

for sure, i will never subject myself to being the ow again. i dont deserve it. thank you angel1111.

[Confused4Now]

The other thing is that now that I've been away from the OW situation, I am slowly coming back to the person I was. Being the OW gave me so much unrest inside; kept a dark shadow over me. Despite my love for xMM, I am so glad to be out of that situation. Wild horses couldn't drag me back into it.

Yeah I know what your saying ...for me it feels like peace...I'm more at peace with myself.

[Angel1111]

but funny how you would rather stay unhappy. than leave happy. but ya i understand. kids. obligation. and i guess a genuine concern and yes, love for you spouse.

 

i am very hurt. i never once expected him to leave but when he chose to stay, the feeling of rejection is there.

 

I think maybe there was a part of you that expected him to leave his wife if push came to shove; if he were forced to make a choice. I think you might be shocked at his decision to choose his family over you -- and that's all understandable because he was lying to them and deceiving them, he was risking losing it all. His actions said that YOU were worth that risk. He basically said that to you and to his wife just by what he did. So why would you think he valued his wife and marriage that much? I think that's exactly why the OW has little regard for the wife and the MM's family unit -- because HE doesn't show any respect for them just by his actions; by telling another woman he loves her, by kissing another woman, removing his clothes and laying down with her, sharing his secrets and his heart. It's the most intimate of gestures toward the OW; the biggest betrayal to his wife and family. The decision to stay in his marriage makes no sense when seen from the OW's perspective.

 

You know, steelknife, we all gamble in life. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. You took a gamble. It happens to the best of us.

[steelknife]

I think maybe there was a part of you that expected him to leave his wife if push came to shove; if he were forced to make a choice. I think you might be shocked at his decision to choose his family over you -- and that's all understandable because he was lying to them and deceiving them, he was risking losing it all. His actions said that YOU were worth that risk. He basically said that to you and to his wife just by what he did. So why would you think he valued his wife and marriage that much? I think that's exactly why the OW has little regard for the wife and the MM's family unit -- because HE doesn't show any respect for them just by his actions; by telling another woman he loves her, by kissing another woman, removing his clothes and laying down with her, sharing his secrets and his heart. It's the most intimate of gestures toward the OW; the biggest betrayal to his wife and family. The decision to stay in his marriage makes no sense when seen from the OW's perspective.

 

You know, steelknife, we all gamble in life. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. You took a gamble. It happens to the best of us.

 

i think you got a point there. i wanted him to leave. with out me saying it or telling me. with out me expecting, i wanted it to be HIS decision. but i just wouldnt admit that it is what i want to save me from being guilty.

 

and again, youre right. things are different from the ow's perspective. yesterday when he called. again. after he said goodbye the day before. he said he cant stop thnking about me. and he said, with dday, he thought he would have the guts to leave me and walk away. that would be the untimate, if not THE only reason to end it all. but he is still there so in love with me. but i told him that you already made your choice. be man enough to stand up for what you promised your bs you will do.

 

there is no sense. i love him so truly, deeply and genuinely. and he admitted that he just cant stand up for me. i cant blame anyone but myself, i knew what i was getting myself into. and it hurts so bad. i just wanted to be happy..i want to believe so much how much he loved me for the sake of my sanity. but with the choice he made, i just dont want to thnk anymore..