i died today

[KarmasTestDummy]

i think you got a point there. i wanted him to leave. with out me saying it or telling me. with out me expecting, i wanted it to be HIS decision. but i just wouldnt admit that it is what i want to save me from being guilty.

 

and again, youre right. things are different from the ow's perspective. yesterday when he called. again. after he said goodbye the day before. he said he cant stop thnking about me. and he said, with dday, he thought he would have the guts to leave me and walk away. that would be the untimate, if not THE only reason to end it all. but he is still there so in love with me. but i told him that you already made your choice. be man enough to stand up for what you promised your bs you will do.

 

there is no sense. i love him so truly, deeply and genuinely. and he admitted that he just cant stand up for me. i cant blame anyone but myself, i knew what i was getting myself into. and it hurts so bad. i just wanted to be happy..i want to believe so much how much he loved me for the sake of my sanity. but with the choice he made, i just dont want to thnk anymore..

 

So he has called twice now? Is it destroying you? Making you cave? Making you stronger? I'd like to hear your side of the conversation. Do u give him the idea he can keep up his charade?

[steelknife]

So he has called twice now? Is it destroying you? Making you cave? Making you stronger? I'd like to hear your side of the conversation. Do u give him the idea he can keep up his charade?

 

yes he called twice 15 days since dday. first to tell me what happened, what transpired. what he has promised bs, that he will stop. that they will start all over and told me not to forget how much he loves me. and that time, the only feeling i had was relief. at last. the closure i wanted and so badly needed. surprisingly, it didnt hurt the way i was expecting it to be- i saw it coming i guess. jsut wanted the closure.

 

THE NEXT DAY. he rang again. and went on talking as if nothing happened. no dday. no closure the day before. and went on with the usual, not happy but usual us talking to each other. as if catching up. i was listening but i ws trying to read him (of course there was a glimmer of hope:() he told me that since dday, he and bs talks on his mob as often as we used to, in a way. bs has taken over my time and that he is constantly being monitored. he told me he is hoping i wont tell the bs about him calling me again (whaattttt??) and that he hopes i could keep our conversation a secret. i guess he meant secret deeper deep secret that it used to be (??) wow. what a joke. how deep can a secret get? then he has to go because the bs is ringing him. i didnt have much to say. i was listening with my heart. confused, maybe.

 

after a few hours he rang me again. and continued talking about general things and how much he loves me and how difficult to let me go. and i told him, "you already made a choice, what is all this? if you cant live wiht out them and can live with out me, what are you doing calling me?" and he said yeah, he should stand up for it and live up to his promise to make it good. i said yeah you should. and he said i love you and i said bye. and we hang up.

 

it was painful. truth be said. i was listening to a man i truly love and meant the world to me and there he was. confused. but trying to do the right thing. the call was destroying me because i was again on board a ride to nowhere. but caving in i was not. im not out of this, but i can definitely say i dont wanna go for the ride again.

 

his weakness made me a bit stronger. not so strong but strong enough to say what i have to say to save my sanity. i knew he wanted to keep me. giving me less than what he used to. but no. for a long time, i love him and accepted everything. i was waiting for scraps, i ws a scavenger and a vulture. but when he had to choose, i reeled from the pain so much that i actually didnt know what hit me. it was downhill after dday. everyone who read my post knows that. and ive gone thru a myriad of emotions. maybe am in a better place now. i still love him but i dont wanna go thru this again. im still hurting. but i know i will hurt more by accepting what little he has to offer. what ever is the outcome of their marriage has nothing to do with me anymore. i have to heal and to do so, i have to accept that i didnt mean to him as much as i believed i did. his choice told me that.

[KarmasTestDummy]

yes he called twice 15 days since dday. first to tell me what happened, what transpired. what he has promised bs, that he will stop. that they will start all over and told me not to forget how much he loves me. and that time, the only feeling i had was relief. at last. the closure i wanted and so badly needed. surprisingly, it didnt hurt the way i was expecting it to be- i saw it coming i guess. jsut wanted the closure.

 

THE NEXT DAY. he rang again. and went on talking as if nothing happened. no dday. no closure the day before. and went on with the usual, not happy but usual us talking to each other. as if catching up. i was listening but i ws trying to read him (of course there was a glimmer of hope:() he told me that since dday, he and bs talks on his mob as often as we used to, in a way. bs has taken over my time and that he is constantly being monitored. he told me he is hoping i wont tell the bs about him calling me again (whaattttt??) and that he hopes i could keep our conversation a secret. i guess he meant secret deeper deep secret that it used to be (??) wow. what a joke. how deep can a secret get? then he has to go because the bs is ringing him. i didnt have much to say. i was listening with my heart. confused, maybe.

 

after a few hours he rang me again. and continued talking about general things and how much he loves me and how difficult to let me go. and i told him, "you already made a choice, what is all this? if you cant live wiht out them and can live with out me, what are you doing calling me?" and he said yeah, he should stand up for it and live up to his promise to make it good. i said yeah you should. and he said i love you and i said bye. and we hang up.

 

it was painful. truth be said. i was listening to a man i truly love and meant the world to me and there he was. confused. but trying to do the right thing. the call was destroying me because i was again on board a ride to nowhere. but caving in i was not. im not out of this, but i can definitely say i dont wanna go for the ride again.

 

his weakness made me a bit stronger. not so strong but strong enough to say what i have to say to save my sanity. i knew he wanted to keep me. giving me less than what he used to. but no. for a long time, i love him and accepted everything. i was waiting for scraps, i ws a scavenger and a vulture. but when he had to choose, i reeled from the pain so much that i actually didnt know what hit me. it was downhill after dday. everyone who read my post knows that. and ive gone thru a myriad of emotions. maybe am in a better place now. i still love him but i dont wanna go thru this again. im still hurting. but i know i will hurt more by accepting what little he has to offer. what ever is the outcome of their marriage has nothing to do with me anymore. i have to heal and to do so, i have to accept that i didnt mean to him as much as i believed i did. his choice told me that.

 

That's great. I'm very proud of you..but don't be surprised if ur newfound strength isn't even more appealing to him...and drives him more crazy for you, especially the fear that you may be strong enough to move on.

[steelknife]

That's great. I'm very proud of you..but don't be surprised if ur newfound strength isn't even more appealing to him...and drives him more crazy for you, especially the fear that you may be strong enough to move on.

 

he already made his choice. and it hurts but it has been done. (shrug)

thank you ktd. ill be around.

[spice4life]

Steelknife, you said that never viewed yourself as a strong person, but your resolve in this situation proves otherwise. YOU are a very strong person and wow, the progress you have made the past few days is some the best I have seen.

 

I see it this way, strength comes from being in touch with who you are and your posts show that this is the case. Great work!

 

Regarding his SECOND round of calls. He is now at a point where he going to work hard at reeling you back in. The cat is out of the bag now that he has no intensions of leaving his family so he doesn't have worry about you having that expectation anymore...if he reels you back in that is. This is why NC is so important! If you take his calls he will try, slowly but surely, to break you down and suck you back in. Don't let him do it. You already know his game and leaving his W is not part of it. staying involved with him is going to always be the same no matter how much you love one another. Only this time it will get worse because if you get upset at any point, he can turn to you and say, "but you knew I was married" which forces you to bury your feelings. And this will end up chiseling away at you and before you know it, you will lose perspective on who you are as a person. And, possibly end up very depressed.

 

Stay strong steelknife! You have made such wonderful progress...DON'T let him suck you back in. Stay NC at all costs so you can heal. He is being selfish by contacting you and it shows that he really doesn't have any concern about your feelings. He is only thinking about his own. The next question to ask yourself is this, "if he loved me he wouldn't he respect my right to heal after all of the hurt he has caused me?"

 

Again, stay strong and STAY NC. NC = no new hurts!

Edited October 26, 2010 by spice4life

[spice4life]

I want to add more about the discussion on choices. When you told him that he made his choice to work on his marriage and then said "so go do it", you set a very healthy boundary. You also made it very clear that you were not interested in sitting on the side line waiting for scraps. By doing that, you put it back on him and it forces him to take responsibility for his actions. Now he has to think long and hard about what he really wants. You are no longer giving him his "cake". If he wants to be with you it has to be on your terms. That is great place for you to be. You took your personal control back. And, even though you are in pain right now, you will feel good about yourself for doing that once this is out of your system. It's something to look forward to.

 

Keep up the good work! Be proud because you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself.

[Angel1111]

I want to add more about the discussion on choices. When you told him that he made his choice to work on his marriage and then said "so go do it", you set a very healthy boundary. You also made it very clear that you were not interested in sitting on the side line waiting for scraps. By doing that, you put it back on him and it forces him to take responsibility for his actions. Now he has to think long and hard about what he really wants. You are no longer giving him his "cake". If he wants to be with you it has to be on your terms. That is great place for you to be. You took your personal control back. And, even though you are in pain right now, you will feel good about yourself for doing that once this is out of your system. It's something to look forward to.

 

Keep up the good work! Be proud because you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself.

 

I totally agree with this. Your response to him was absolutely dead perfect. And I would add that what some OW don't understand is that by being there for the MM or being with him, she's actually taking the edge off of his bad marriage which makes him even more inclined to stay and gives him less reason to work on his marriage because he has a soft place to land.

 

I say continue to stay away so that he is left to fully deal with his marriage. Don't even get into a situation where you talk to him on a regular basis. Even that is an affront to his wife. If he can't handle his marriage, then he needs to leave it. But if you're around or even carrying on regular conversations with him, it will continue to make his marriage more bearable - and it distracts him from working on it. It will also keep you emotionally hooked in the relationship. That's not fair to you or his wife. His phone call to you is every BS's worst nightmare. This is why affairs start up again after d-day and the BS never sees it coming. I'm so glad you told him what you did. There comes a point when enough is enough.

[freestyle]

I totally agree with this. Your response to him was absolutely dead perfect. And I would add that what some OW don't understand is that by being there for the MM or being with him, she's actually taking the edge off of his bad marriage which makes him even more inclined to stay and gives him less reason to work on his marriage because he has a soft place to land.

 

 

 

Excellent insight, Angel.......I never looked at it from exactly that angle before, but it makes perfect sense.

 

Steelknife--good for you for establishing boundaries--I'm sorry you're hurting, but it seems to me that his most recent behavior,(calling you as if d-day had never happened)(tra-la-la....)shines a spotlight on just how manipulative he really is.

[BB07]

I totally agree with this. Your response to him was absolutely dead perfect. And I would add that what some OW don't understand is that by being there for the MM or being with him, she's actually taking the edge off of his bad marriage which makes him even more inclined to stay and gives him less reason to work on his marriage because he has a soft place to land.

 

I say continue to stay away so that he is left to fully deal with his marriage. Don't even get into a situation where you talk to him on a regular basis. Even that is an affront to his wife. If he can't handle his marriage, then he needs to leave it. But if you're around or even carrying on regular conversations with him, it will continue to make his marriage more bearable - and it distracts him from working on it. It will also keep you emotionally hooked in the relationship. That's not fair to you or his wife. His phone call to you is every BS's worst nightmare. This is why affairs start up again after d-day and the BS never sees it coming. I'm so glad you told him what you did. There comes a point when enough is enough.

 

I'll also echo that this was a very good post.

 

Don't let him use you as a sounding board or a place to get his needs met as the expense of yourself. He made a choice, don't let him waffle around on it. Keeping contact with you also shows his selfish side as he is getting something from you.........at the expense of YOU. Don't let him get away with it.

Hugs.....

[steelknife]

thank you for all your support. each day i come home from work i cant wait to logged in and check what else has been going on here in LS. this forum and the brains behind it. really helped me. im not yet there but on my way..

 

ive been through a gamut of emotions since dday. and hurt maybe the biggest of it all. i dont know anymore how to deal with all this but i know that i have to hold my head up high no matter what. the biggest drving force for what i said to him was SHAME. truth be said. it was. i mean no disrespect for all the ow out there. i know what and how it is to be in our shoes. it sucks but we are there for all other reasons and justification and one i can clearly see and exactly relate is how much i love my xmm. no matter what. and i realized, the more i love him, the more i find myself believing it can work. that no one else will love me the way he does. but i also remember the pain the affair caused me. when he has to leave, has to go. has to be home.

 

i was hurt and very ashamed. because he chose them over me. even if i said i knew the choice he had to make, even if i said i never expect him to choose me over them.i guess i really didnt mean it.. at this point, im not ashamed (yet) for the contribution i did in the affair. Even if he tells his wife otherwise, he and i knew the truth; that he pursued me and waht transpired between us. or how much he loves me, or what he did to get me back. or what happens wehn we fight. what we talk about. what we share. what he did to be with me. it was everything good and amazing, only it happened with in conditions. the condition that he is married.. and with dday. i am ashamed. i feel myself thrown out, in the dark, in the rain. and i am crying. because the rightful owner has come and claim him again. and that is the truth. i am the outsider, i am the intruder. i can not fight for him and he chose not to stand up for me.

 

the only way ill agree to start again in when he truly have decided who really wants. and i understand the choice he made, even if i died knowing that. i cant live with this anymore. with his choice, it is obvious who he can live with out. i dont mean to discredit him because in ways his wife will never know, despite being married. for a while, he was mine. i know he gave his soul and love to me. knowing that, i am in acceptance that somethings no matter how great, are just not meant to be.

 

the shame i feel right now is because he left me. for them. seriously, am i bitter? yes and no. i just know now how much it hurts when the person you expect to save you leaves you. but i blamed myself as much for leaning on a person who i knew right from the start can only give me as much. but thats how love is.

 

 

and to be able to claim my face again. to be able to walk away with dignity- i needed to back out in my terms. and i meant it. ive never been this decisive. he knows ive always been a softie when it comes to him and i can imagine his surprise when i said to let me go. and work on his marriage. i can never say im strong but i needed to keep whatever little sanity, dignity i have left. i was breaking when he said that but i just know i dont want to do it anymore.

 

i dont deserve to be kept hidden. i know i will always be the shadow in their marriage and i hope they get past that. i am hurt, devastated and shatterd is more like it. i can not be his friend. i wont be. he made his choice. and thats it.

 

it will take time for me to move on. it will. im actually very depressed now. i am withdrawing from my friends and all. but i give this to myself to grieve. i still can not stop thinking about him. but my vision is not clouded anymore with him and my love for him..all i know is that i also need to save myself.

 

"ill drive so fu****ing far away that ill never cross your mind" BY b.o.

[spice4life]

You are welcome steelknife. I'm glad that you found the posts here very helpful. And of course it going to hurt for a while and you will have your up days and down days; just keep reading and posting here to help you through.

 

I'm new to this forum too and I love it! It's by far is the best. It's lively and I love the mixture of opinions. They are coming from all sides and I find that very refreshing.

 

Look forward to your updates! Even though you are hurting right now, I think you are making great progress.

[Angel1111]

i am the outsider, i am the intruder. i can not fight for him and he chose not to stand up for me.

 

I said this once to xMM when one of his parents was in the hospital. I knew that his wife and kids were there and he kept texting me. It was in the early stages of our relationship and I remember thinking that I suddenly felt like a complete outsider - or more like an intruder. When I said this to him, he insisted that I wasn't and didn't want me to feel that way. But that feeling never left me because the truth was, I wasn't there with him, they were. I had no place with him because of the circumstances. There's a part of me that resents him for that; for dismissing something I felt so strongly and saying otherwise when it wasn't true because it was misleading. And there's a part of me that's annoyed with myself for not staying away from him when I broke up with him 2 wks after our affair. My instincts were dead on.

 

I understand the feeling of shame but I hope you'll come to terms with the fact that you did what you did at the time, it felt right at the time, and now it doesn't. Based on what you knew back then, you thought it was a good idea to be with him. Sometimes we just have to forgive ourselves.

 

As I'm typing this, my boss is talking to xMM on the speaker phone and I can hear his voice. I wonder if I can reach through the phone and punch him. haha!

[steelknife]

im very hurt. and ashamed. i keep thinking of them rebuilding their marriage. and i got a sinking feeling i was used. maybe he said it was conveniently for sex? i know i dont believe that. but what is there to hang on to? what for? i dont wanna thnk it hurts too much..i dont know. i dotn know!!!!!!! this sucks.

 

 

 

best music to listen to are loud thumping ones which does not give you space to thnk!!

[ladydesigner]

im very hurt. and ashamed. i keep thinking of them rebuilding their marriage. and i got a sinking feeling i was used. maybe he said it was conveniently for sex? i know i dont believe that. but what is there to hang on to? what for? i dont wanna thnk it hurts too much..i dont know. i dotn know!!!!!!! this sucks.

 

 

 

best music to listen to are loud thumping ones which does not give you space to thnk!!

 

So sorry you are going through this I think every one of us where the XAP ended with us D-day or not felt horrible. The first feeling I felt was used, but then again I was the MOW he was an attached OM so who was using who? It all sucks you just have to go through it to get out of it and you will. Allow yourself to feel all of these emotions while grieving, as much as it hurts it will get easier and it will get better. The days that are fresh of being recently ended are the most painful. Just chalk it up to a learning experience one that hopefully will not be repeated again. You will become a stronger person. Try to focus on yourself and getting back to a healthy emotional state. I always tend to think you were fine before him and you will be fine after him;)

[Angel1111]

I went back and reread some of your old posts. Your MM is a f)(ker. He is a creep! He is the epitome of the cheating, lying, married man. He cheated on you, and you know it! There is nothing innocuous about the text you found on the suspected OOW's phone. I am sorry, but from what you have written it sounds like you are just one in a series of OW. He probably said every woman he was with was "serious" and "different".

 

I cringe to think any woman has got involved with this person. Your poor self esteem must be shot to hell for not seeing that you dodged a huge bullet. Good luck, Steel, I hope you get to feeling better very soon.

 

Whoa. I saw this post and decided to go back and read a few things, too. Steel, just a short time ago you said that you couldn't trust MM, that he has already cheated on his wife before, and you suspected that he was seeing another OW. These are really bad signs. Please just walk away from this guy. Don't even engage him in conversation. He is bad news. I agree with Lisa - you dodged a bullet. You absolutely do not want this man to leave his wife for you. I guarantee you that he'll cheat on you, too, and all those warm, fuzzy feelings you have for him now will just be a thing of the past. I wouldn't want to be with a serial cheater for anything in the world. Just let yourself heal from this and find a good man. As much as you'd like to think so, he's not the one.

[blizzard]

It's eerie, but you are me...with the exception of xMM and his BS having kids. We were together nearly two years.

 

I understand your pain. After 5 mts NC it has gotten easier. The anger phase is just now beginning to bloom.

 

I recall the first twinge of pain, before I was made awareof Dday...he imd me for moment to say his wife was suspicious because we had spent the weekend together...and she read our inboxes that he had saved for over a year in a half. He wanted to do damage control for a few days. He promised things for us would never change. He just didn't want their divorce to become "messy" when he filed. He really seemed to feel like it wasn't a big deal. Joked a bit. But I immediately knew something was wrong. It was that his "language" in his writing had changed...and he said "bye" without saying "I love you." I felt the biggest stab. In that second, I knew...he was gone. Then, three days later...dday.

 

He always told me he would love me...forever. Even during the most intimate times. The last time we met he held me tight and told me I belonged with him...The week before dday happened we were planning days to drive up and see one another once his divorce was final. He had a lease to sign. Mapping it all out. He said he wanted to grow old with me...that he always wanted to make me happy.

 

He used to listen to this beautiful lovesong...that reminded him of me. It was about falling in love...intwined in the lyrics was a subliminal message about wrong timing. In my fog, I only heard the love...

 

After receiving a NC request with his wife over his shoulder (so he says) I called him. Angry. I felt I deserved more than that from him. Not a one line email. We talked for over an hour. He said that he was in love with two women. That he cared for me. But that he loved her first...and she wants to work out their marriage. I asked what he wanted. He said he didn't know yet...it hadn't been a month yet. But that he couldn't ask me to wait. He told me to believe everything he said. That he didn't lie to me. Our relationship was not just sex...The conversation got emotionally charged. He said he was fool. A jerk. Then he proceeded to tell me it was all lies he told me. That I derserved better than him...he got angry and said my stbx should love me the way I derserved to be loved...we said our final goodbyes. I wrote a closure letter and mailed it to him. My side of us. I swore I would never bother him again. And I am a woman of my word.

 

Later, I learned that he had an OOW besides me. Whether the BS learned of her, I don't know. Or whether it's true. I don't know. He never told his BS that he loved me...he freaked out on me when I said he should disclose this to her. He really downplayed us. He said I had alot to lose too (going through a seperation and custody issue)...and his BS was threatening to ruin my life.

 

((hugs to you)) Keep busy. I just had to stay away from music altogether. I layed in bed grieving for two days straight. At first I blocked any association of him out, everything. Now, I am slowly introducing those things back. Even my social networking sight. And seeing an IC. It's scars hon...I know.

 

The pics would be devasting! But I will have you know, xMM and BS went to a Rollercoaster park a few weeks after dday...

Edited October 27, 2010 by blizzard

[2themoon&back]

I have the same advice for OW and BS after D-Day:

 

The sooner you stop making the BS/OW part of your thinking process the better. She didnt do anything to you.

 

The BS has no idea what happened between you and her H. The OW has no idea what is going on in their home.

 

The one thing you can COUNT on is that BOTH were lied to.

 

As much as OW needs to believe that the marriage was crap and that the affair was valid...the BS needs to believe that the affair was not important and the marriage is worth saving.

 

2sure I did not mean to generalize anything, I was speaking of my xMM only.

 

I have been friends with him for 14 yrs, and would not assume I know more than I did. I do know what kind of M his has been in long before the A between us started.

 

He has been unhappy for the last 10yrs of the 23 years of his M. I was stating that those problems where there before me and was saying they still will be long after me. He helped me get through a tuff time, and I made his M seem tolerable for a long time. Now he is on his own to live with his choices and to fix his M or not, but it will not be clouded by me.

 

The BS did do some awful things to me but she is always justified in that because she is the BS-- that I disagree with. We are all accountable for our actions; being hurt or lied to, or betrayed does not give anyone a free pass in their actions/or reactions. I was the only problem the BS saw in her marriage, not even her H was a problem just me and this can never be true, because I do not have that much control over her M.

 

So all I am saying is my post was meant for my situation only.

[2themoon&back]

im very hurt. and ashamed. i keep thinking of them rebuilding their marriage. and i got a sinking feeling i was used. maybe he said it was conveniently for sex? i know i dont believe that. but what is there to hang on to? what for? i dont wanna thnk it hurts too much..i dont know. i dotn know!!!!!!! this sucks.

 

 

 

best music to listen to are loud thumping ones which does not give you space to thnk!!

 

I can see from your post that you have been up and down and running on raw emotions, with very good insight, just like everyone here has said you would.

 

After reading almost all of your post, I too have been able to find some strength to do better for myself.

 

I am free to do as I please now, and after surviving this I know I can live through almost anything.

 

I still miss and love xMM, but will not make that the most important part of my life, which I have been doing, just feeling pain, for something I really never had any control over the outcome anyway and when I did have control I choose not to use it.

 

The person I need to be thinking about is me and I keep overlooking her and judging her and beating her up emotional. That has to stop and I am on my way to doing just that and your posts have helped me see this. I was also afraid if I just moved on it would somehow mean the A and all the feelings that were involved did not mean anything, this is not so. The A has its place as do all experiences in our lives do.

 

I have realized I do not have to give up my whole life, job, home, etc. because that is what is expected of me by BS. I can choose to return to work and hold my head up; I have not worked since Aug. I was too ashamed and felt I could not face xMM, well that is no longer my problem from now on that will be his and the BS’s problem.

 

I am single and have only one form of income, I kept thinking I could not go back to work, but I am not willing to give them all that. I will go back to work and do my job and move on.

 

I will tell you this, any contact with MM, is just to keep you where you are right now, until he is confident enough to act on seeing you, being with you and continuing the A, not a R, I did this so many times, and I believe I would be so much better off if I had stopped it the 1st time, and I would have more self respect today.

 

I know how hard NC, and I hate thinking it has to go on forever, but then I think why does that matter, if I am trying to move on, it cannot matter and I try to work from there.

 

I wish you all the best---you are worthy of the best you have to offer yourself.

[Ellin]

Hi Steelknife.

 

I've only just looked through your thread.

 

There's one thing I want to tell you: you're lovely! You're amazing. You're a person with unique qualities, full of life and full of fire.

 

This MM has lost a lot by losing you and he will know that some day, but you'll be gone then, totally gone from his life.

 

And another thing: any man would be lucky to have you. I absolutely mean it - you deserve the nicest, hottest man around. There are other nice ones out there. You know, there are millions of men in this world and there are bound to be hundreds of thousands among them who are better than your MM and would sweep you off your feet and, more importantly, would feel lucky to have you.

 

It's only a matter of time before one of them comes into your life.

 

For now, hold you head high.

[bubbleskeeps023]

we're in our 4th year, me and my MM.... well we shared precious moments and i know we do love each other. we are same, same that i never ask him to leave his family.. actually i love his family... and i know someday, our relationship will end.. we talked that we just enjoy and treasure every moments we will have,, and i think i will also die like you... and i need to prepare for that...

[steelknife]

im so depressed. thank you for all your encouragement but i am so depressed now i cant form any words to express myself.... i better curl in my bed.

 

thank you.

[maravilla]

It's eerie, but you are me...with the exception of xMM and his BS having kids. We were together nearly two years.

 

I understand your pain. After 5 mts NC it has gotten easier. The anger phase is just now beginning to bloom.

 

I recall the first twinge of pain, before I was made awareof Dday...he imd me for moment to say his wife was suspicious because we had spent the weekend together...and she read our inboxes that he had saved for over a year in a half. He wanted to do damage control for a few days. He promised things for us would never change. He just didn't want their divorce to become "messy" when he filed. He really seemed to feel like it wasn't a big deal. Joked a bit. But I immediately knew something was wrong. It was that his "language" in his writing had changed...and he said "bye" without saying "I love you." I felt the biggest stab. In that second, I knew...he was gone. Then, three days later...dday.

 

He always told me he would love me...forever. Even during the most intimate times. The last time we met he held me tight and told me I belonged with him...The week before dday happened we were planning days to drive up and see one another once his divorce was final. He had a lease to sign. Mapping it all out. He said he wanted to grow old with me...that he always wanted to make me happy.

 

He used to listen to this beautiful lovesong...that reminded him of me. It was about falling in love...intwined in the lyrics was a subliminal message about wrong timing. In my fog, I only heard the love...

 

After receiving a NC request with his wife over his shoulder (so he says) I called him. Angry. I felt I deserved more than that from him. Not a one line email. We talked for over an hour. He said that he was in love with two women. That he cared for me. But that he loved her first...and she wants to work out their marriage. I asked what he wanted. He said he didn't know yet...it hadn't been a month yet. But that he couldn't ask me to wait. He told me to believe everything he said. That he didn't lie to me. Our relationship was not just sex...The conversation got emotionally charged. He said he was fool. A jerk. Then he proceeded to tell me it was all lies he told me. That I derserved better than him...he got angry and said my stbx should love me the way I derserved to be loved...we said our final goodbyes. I wrote a closure letter and mailed it to him. My side of us. I swore I would never bother him again. And I am a woman of my word.

 

Later, I learned that he had an OOW besides me. Whether the BS learned of her, I don't know. Or whether it's true. I don't know. He never told his BS that he loved me...he freaked out on me when I said he should disclose this to her. He really downplayed us. He said I had alot to lose too (going through a seperation and custody issue)...and his BS was threatening to ruin my life.

 

((hugs to you)) Keep busy. I just had to stay away from music altogether. I layed in bed grieving for two days straight. At first I blocked any association of him out, everything. Now, I am slowly introducing those things back. Even my social networking sight. And seeing an IC. It's scars hon...I know.

 

The pics would be devasting! But I will have you know, xMM and BS went to a Rollercoaster park a few weeks after dday...

 

I don't know if I'm helping you steelknife. I just wanted to say that this post really touched me. Especially the bolded parts. It's strange, reading here, how universal this whole situation is. When I first read posts here I thought I was different because MM left for me. But all of this feels the same, it hits home for me. Leaving is not the same as getting divorced and being available to love me the way I know I deserve to be loved and the way MM himself says he knows I deserve to be loved. And even then I would always wonder, like other people have said steelknife that your MM is a serial cheater, well, would he cheat on me, could I trust him? I understand to some degree what you're going through. I hope you can look through the silver lining and see that you did not end up with a cheater. You deserve better. You can do better. I don't know if I can offer much advice right now because I'm in a lot of confusion myself. But I know that how my post relates to your thread is that we both deserve better.

[spice4life]

Hi Steelknife.

 

I've only just looked through your thread.

 

There's one thing I want to tell you: you're lovely! You're amazing. You're a person with unique qualities, full of life and full of fire.

 

This MM has lost a lot by losing you and he will know that some day, but you'll be gone then, totally gone from his life.

 

And another thing: any man would be lucky to have you. I absolutely mean it - you deserve the nicest, hottest man around. There are other nice ones out there. You know, there are millions of men in this world and there are bound to be hundreds of thousands among them who are better than your MM and would sweep you off your feet and, more importantly, would feel lucky to have you.

 

It's only a matter of time before one of them comes into your life.

 

For now, hold you head high.

 

Steelkinfe, Ditto to everything ellin has written this post! I totally agree with her and when you make it through this you will feel the same. (((HUGS)))!...sweety. I know you feel so hurt and sad right now. My heart goes out to you.

[steelknife]

we're in our 4th year, me and my MM.... well we shared precious moments and i know we do love each other. we are same, same that i never ask him to leave his family.. actually i love his family... and i know someday, our relationship will end.. we talked that we just enjoy and treasure every moments we will have,, and i think i will also die like you... and i need to prepare for that...

 

i love his family. i was a candidate for martyrdom:confused:. but honestly, truly i did.

 

i also heard that line. to just enjoy what we have while we can. but 4 years is a long time, i know exactly what it feels to be there and no preparation or anything would ever get you ready when he leaves you. no words will ever describe it.

but i hope he wont.

[steelknife]

i thank you for all your support. to those who can relate to me and what im going through. for not judging me. i already know the consequences even before i embarked on this kind of situation. i just i guess didnt thnk id be so hurt or that i will reel from the pain so much that at the end of the day, the happiness i felt was not worth the shame and pain i am going through now.

 

for those who somehow got strength from me, and my story. thank you. im not yet there but i should be and i am trying to be strong. i have to. for myself and for my sanity.

 

as of this very moment. 3 weeks since dday, im still not good. i go to work, laugh, work, talk but i need 5 min break every hour or so to allow myself to process some conversation we had or some thoughts i had about us when we were still happy. i need it to focus on my job. then i go back to work. as of this moment, i cant say what exactly i feel. i m going through a lot of emotions, very raw, very real. and very shameful. and i am slowly coming into terms with what is happening to me and the so called love i thought he had for me. maybe it was love, i dunno. back then, it felt like it was, he did love me. but i am beginning to question that and i cant say the same thing for now, you never turn your back on the person you love. but he did. i was left on my own.

 

maybe i was convenient? i was there to fill in the needs he didnt get from BS? then he got more emotionally involved with me that he couldnt leave me. until dday. the bs made sure she became the person i was to him during the affair. she made sure she fills in the gap that i left and rightfully, that position is hers. it just hurts to thnk why someone has to be a bait for them to realize they can work on their marriage, and of all people, why it has to be me.

 

i am hurt, devastated and shattered but truly, it is secondary to the shame of being dumped and being chosen over. where was the time we both meant the world to each other? the time when i stayed because he said he loved me. the risk he took and thngs he did, just to spend time with me. but ya. it catches up on you. i have loved. but what do i have? shame that i dont even feel like going anywhere because i might see them. see them together, see him living his life like it should be, while im very down and trampled ( did i get the right word?) on.

 

it is like i am outside now. looking at the person in that affair. somewher along i know i tried many times to get out. it was getting too much, to painful. not being able to trust, it was tiring to be always on my toes to make sure he doenst have or find another ow. i was happy and very unhappy all at the same time.

 

now, i am trying to accept and process the fact that it was very easy to let me go. he said he loved me and cant live with out me. but that seemed like a million years ago. im left on my own, shamed..

 

and i know, i would not do it again. the pain im going through is not worth it. i believed so much in him. so much in his love for me but one thing is sure, it was not enough. and i can only deal so much with those thoughts. i cant pick apart and analyzed all the conversation we had, what he said or all the actions we did, before dday. after dday. does it really matter? it does not anymore. i need to accept that ive been duped. and the reality is, with the game over, i cant say they, bs, or xmm is the winner. but i am sure of one thing, i am the loser.