i died today

[2themoon&back]

steelknife

 

I know you must feel like you are being turned inside out right now, and I have so many things I want to share with you, and I hope I can do just that in a way that is understandable. I say this because I try to say things in a way that you can relate to and do not know if I have been successful until I get responses that I may have been unclear, so please forgive me if by some chance I muck it up, I am trying.

 

As far as being a loser, that is one way to see it, but this will pass to due to the FACT you are not loser, you are a woman who loved someone who is weak and extremely selfish (and the word weak is hard for me to except because I never saw MM as weak until now), this does not define us but them. I say weak because, the love you had with each other was real, just as those emotions are in any R, but he was not strong enough to take the ultimate risk to be with you, he took the coward’s way.

 

I am finding this to be a very common thread about MM/MW who have A’s. They are too weak to fix the situation they are already in (M)for their self or BS and then find themselves involved in an A to feel better and they seem to lose all control to how emotionally involved they get in the A, then DDay happens, and it is like oh sh#t, I have to fix M. I say selfish because the proof is in the pudding—when MM wants to be with you, he makes it happen, nothing or no one stops him, but when we need to be with him that is a horse of another color, all of sudden there things in the way, which is self serving behavior. I have no doubt that you would climb mountains, walk on water, do whatever it took to be with him, (I know I would have) and in the end all I have to show for it is that I am a person who loves deeply and with my whole heart, and I want to give that to a weak coward, ugh. MM did not make me love the way I do-- he was just lucky to experience it for a while, he no longer is deserving of it.

 

The love you offered this MM, is pure and true, and should be given to someone who may be more appreciative of it…starting with you. And start to see him as the loser of a true heartfelt mind-blowing love---yours--and he is left with the same situation (M) he needed a vacation from when he met you and now after you he has made that situation (M) weaker and worse for himself and he is stuck there(by his own choice of course). You have the chance to move on and start fresh with the real possibility to be content and happy without guilt, something he cannot do.

 

I am not sure if I understood you to say he was a serial cheater or not, but if he is then my guess and I say guess, because I don’t know anything for sure, but from what you have said I would guess he has A’s, to get his BS to do what he wants her to do. And that is anything he wants and to validate his worth by letting her know if she does not act the way he wants her to (like you) then someone will and she becomes so desperate to try to please him so she can keep him she gets caught up in the game as well and goes to all extremes to show MM and the world how “happy and great” they have it. This is so abusive if this is what he is doing and her problem to deal with.

 

I also want to point out that what you are going through right now is normal, and just as much a part of an A as any part. What I mean is you are still in the A and these bad feelings you are experiencing are another ingredient to the A. I tend to think that after DDay one would think the A ends, nope, it does not. We still live in its wake, and the waves of emotions that follow DDay. Just as we could not predict that we would fall so deeply in love with a MM, we could not predict the pain of it either. It is like having to clean up after a great party, it was fun planning it, it was fun being at the party and now you have to clean it up alone and with a very serious hangover/wound and this part is no fun. I know!! I am still cleaning mine up. This pain will end one day and that is totally up to you when that day is.

 

The last thing I would like to say is take control back from this MM, he does not decide your worth, nor do his decisions, YOU do and if he could not see how wonderful you are and you are wonderful, then he is the one that is unworthy of you. You were not dumped, you were set free to live, because the A was not living-- it is waiting and living in the moments you have with MM. You deserve the whole thing and I know you wanted it to be with him, me too, but he was too weak to make that happen for you that does not lessen the fact you deserve it.

 

I hope some of this makes sense and give you a little hope that you will move past this moment. You have given others strength by your courage and honesty and now we will try to give you some back as well.

 

Please remember this… he did love you, what you feel is real, your love for him is real nothing changes that! That is yours to keep… no one can take that away from you not even MM, his decisions do not change this fact---he is weak not you. Please keep faith in yourself … you are worth it.

 

(((((hugs))))

[YellowShark]

i cant say they, bs, or xmm is the winner. but i am sure of one thing, i am the loser.

 

You're not a loser steelknife, you've just finally realized through experience that MM don't make very good partners. First they throw their wives under a bus and cheat, then they often dump the OW for the person they threw under a bus. Not the type of man I could personally call "a soul mate."

[MorningCoffee]

steelknife

 

I know you must feel like you are being turned inside out right now, and I have so many things I want to share with you, and I hope I can do just that in a way that is understandable. I say this because I try to say things in a way that you can relate to and do not know if I have been successful until I get responses that I may have been unclear, so please forgive me if by some chance I muck it up, I am trying.

 

As far as being a loser, that is one way to see it, but this will pass to due to the FACT you are not loser, you are a woman who loved someone who is weak and extremely selfish (and the word weak is hard for me to except because I never saw MM as weak until now), this does not define us but them. I say weak because, the love you had with each other was real, just as those emotions are in any R, but he was not strong enough to take the ultimate risk to be with you, he took the coward’s way.

 

I am finding this to be a very common thread about MM/MW who have A’s. They are too weak to fix the situation they are already in (M)for their self or BS and then find themselves involved in an A to feel better and they seem to lose all control to how emotionally involved they get in the A, then DDay happens, and it is like oh sh#t, I have to fix M. I say selfish because the proof is in the pudding—when MM wants to be with you, he makes it happen, nothing or no one stops him, but when we need to be with him that is a horse of another color, all of sudden there things in the way, which is self serving behavior. I have no doubt that you would climb mountains, walk on water, do whatever it took to be with him, (I know I would have) and in the end all I have to show for it is that I am a person who loves deeply and with my whole heart, and I want to give that to a weak coward, ugh. MM did not make me love the way I do-- he was just lucky to experience it for a while, he no longer is deserving of it.

 

The love you offered this MM, is pure and true, and should be given to someone who may be more appreciative of it…starting with you. And start to see him as the loser of a true heartfelt mind-blowing love---yours--and he is left with the same situation (M) he needed a vacation from when he met you and now after you he has made that situation (M) weaker and worse for himself and he is stuck there(by his own choice of course). You have the chance to move on and start fresh with the real possibility to be content and happy without guilt, something he cannot do.

 

I am not sure if I understood you to say he was a serial cheater or not, but if he is then my guess and I say guess, because I don’t know anything for sure, but from what you have said I would guess he has A’s, to get his BS to do what he wants her to do. And that is anything he wants and to validate his worth by letting her know if she does not act the way he wants her to (like you) then someone will and she becomes so desperate to try to please him so she can keep him she gets caught up in the game as well and goes to all extremes to show MM and the world how “happy and great” they have it. This is so abusive if this is what he is doing and her problem to deal with.

 

I also want to point out that what you are going through right now is normal, and just as much a part of an A as any part. What I mean is you are still in the A and these bad feelings you are experiencing are another ingredient to the A. I tend to think that after DDay one would think the A ends, nope, it does not. We still live in its wake, and the waves of emotions that follow DDay. Just as we could not predict that we would fall so deeply in love with a MM, we could not predict the pain of it either. It is like having to clean up after a great party, it was fun planning it, it was fun being at the party and now you have to clean it up alone and with a very serious hangover/wound and this part is no fun. I know!! I am still cleaning mine up. This pain will end one day and that is totally up to you when that day is.

 

The last thing I would like to say is take control back from this MM, he does not decide your worth, nor do his decisions, YOU do and if he could not see how wonderful you are and you are wonderful, then he is the one that is unworthy of you. You were not dumped, you were set free to live, because the A was not living-- it is waiting and living in the moments you have with MM. You deserve the whole thing and I know you wanted it to be with him, me too, but he was too weak to make that happen for you that does not lessen the fact you deserve it.

 

I hope some of this makes sense and give you a little hope that you will move past this moment. You have given others strength by your courage and honesty and now we will try to give you some back as well.

 

Please remember this… he did love you, what you feel is real, your love for him is real nothing changes that! That is yours to keep… no one can take that away from you not even MM, his decisions do not change this fact---he is weak not you. Please keep faith in yourself … you are worth it.

(((((hugs))))

 

Wow. Great, insight-filled post. Bolded part is totally true.

 

Steelknife, it takes time and reflection. Be brave and keep reflecting, because there is much to learn from the experience. I saw in some other post a while back the notion that weeks, even months later, a new appearance of a memory or some other tie would pop up and cause a wave of emotion, and this was a sign, the poster wrote, of having progressed to a new point in moving on. Something else that needed to be recognized, maybe grieved, and let go of.

 

For my part, I can understand my ex-AP/MW (and myself) so much more now than I could in the first few weeks and months following the last time we saw each other and D-Day. If love means anything, then know this is true:

 

he did love you, what you feel is real, your love for him is real nothing changes that! That is yours to keep… no one can take that away from you not even MM, his decisions do not change this fact---he is weak not you.

[steelknife]

thank you for all your post and encouragement. i need to find myself.. ill be posting again soon.

[Ellin]

Steelknife, you say you feel shame of not being chosen.

 

It's not like that.

 

When you came into his life, it was already set up with his W. Marriage, especially with children in it, is something really big and important, something that has a life and energy of its own.

 

So the stakes were not equal here.

 

You were up against something very powerful.

 

If you were the girl he met when he was young, married and had kids with, he would have stayed with you, but that's not how life played out.

 

You met him too late.

 

It doesn't mean he didn't love you or he loved you less than he loved her, but it was just too hard in reality to change things that were already there.

 

There's so much more that comes into equation when someone thinks about leaving marriage, than the feeling of love. Once there's a family in existence, there's no easy way out. As much as it must have broken his heart to lose you, it would also be heartbreaking to destroy that family, heartbreaking for many people including you.

 

Don't think less of yourself because he couldn't choose you. It was not a contest. It was about the situation and his own limitations, wrong decisions and inability to properly deal with difficulties.

 

Be kind to yourself. That's the most important thing you owe yourself right now.

[goingstrong]

Dang steelieblade, you're a mess. I just found his thread and I felt like jumping off the bridge after reading your posts...not really, but it sounds funny...anyway, his life isn't going to well right now either, and if you've watched the slow motion train wrecks on this forum like I have, then you will know that. Hang tight, there are much, much, much better men out there.

[Ellin]

I think that if I were in your shoes, I would be comforted to know that MM loves you. That would go a long way for me in terms of being able to move forward, but I understand that it doesn't take away the pain of what he has done and what he has allowed to happen in this situation, and how much you miss him. Regardless of whether he's trying to salvage his marriage or not, he could've very easily told his wife that he has to at least end it civilly with you. It doesn't so much speak of his lack of love for you as it speaks of his weakness, and of his marriage in general. And regardless of his reasons, he has done the unforgivable. Because the truth is he could call you - either from work or a pay phone, something. But he hasn't done that and he knows how much this is hurting you. There's no excuse for this and it's not something you should ever excuse.

 

I can hardly imagine a BS during d-day calmly agreeing for WS to see OW again and finish things with her "nicely".

 

But yeah, he should have done it nevertheless, and he has shown himself as weak here. I guess he didn't have the guts to face OP and tell her directly, because he couldn't bear to see her reaction, her pain and hurt, and his own guilt.

[Ellin]

Why is everyone so quick to rush in and say that the BS and WS who are reconcilling are not happy, and that the OP should feel comfort in that? That's kind of sick to me.

 

Perhaps the WS and BS put the photo up because they have decided to work on the things that hurt their marriage, and the photo is what they are striving to get back? And that is their right.

 

OP, I get that you are hurt, and I am sorry for that. But you are the one that stuck your hand in the fire, knowing that you could get burnt. I am not discounting your pain, but suggest that you need to own your part eventually. He did not do this to you on his own. You helped do it to yourself, just as you had your hand in hurting the BS by boinking her H.

 

Own your stuff. Find out what within you made you inject yourself into someone else's marriage, especially knowing that he was never going to leave it. You took a risk, and you lost.

 

Sure, it hurts. And again, I am sorry for that. But what he did or didn't feel for you is irrelevant. You chose to get involved with a married man that had no intentions of leaving his wife. You said yourself that it goes with the territory.

 

Grieve the loss. Think about where you went wrong. Work on you. Part of working on you is leaving them behind to do whatever they need to do to repair their marriage. If you felt for him, you would wish them both the best.

 

I know it hurts, but there's a lesson to be learned here. You can rise above it and be a better person in the long run.

 

I wish you healing and good luck.

 

People tell the OP that xMM and his W are probably not very happy right now and just putting on a front, because that's the most likely scenario. It's hard to imagine that M is actually fine in this situation and any show of happiness is clearly fake.

 

And posters want OP to draw comfort from that, because she's in great pain and seeing things in the worst possible light, probably much worse than it really is, and she doesn't deserve this suffering and this treatment.

 

She has already owned what she should, you can see it in many of her posts in this thread. Still, her feelings are valid and understandable. Even if her action weren't morally perfect (and whose are?), her anger and hurt and totally legitimate, she's in pieces and the person who is the main reason for that is seemingly doing great as if nothing has happened.

 

It's only natural of her to feel the way she does, angry, hurt and humiliated and wishing to see that he's going through something similar as well, since he is the one who made her believe she meants so much to him.

 

Those posters you think are sick are trying to take the edge off her great pain, because her suffering like this doesn't serve any purpose and is not deserved.

[Ellin]

KTD...I know this is going to sound harsher than I mean it, so please realize that I'm not trying to come across as overly harsh or attacking.

 

This post just screams "sour grapes" to me.

 

This is the man that this particular OW was in love with...knowing all of that.

 

Just because the wife "won" (and trust me, everyone loses in an affair) is no reason to turn around and try to make her sound desperate or pathetic for fighting to save her marriage.

 

Would you say the same thing to Steelknife about him if he'd have left his wife to be with her?

 

 

Maybe she would then say it to the W, if she was posting here about her great suffering.

[Ellin]

Great post jthorne. I was wondering the same thing.

 

Who said the wife put the pictures up? It IS the guy's fb page. Maybe HE did - maybe HE did it as a poke at the OW? We do NOT know what or who was the reasoning behind the pictures OR the captions.

I would really like to understand your idea of helping someone who's going through emotional pain.

 

So you think MM might have put these pix up to have a poke at OW? This is obviously a speculation, and the worst case scenario. There could hardly be anything more hurtful to OP than this being the case. What is the point writing such things?

We do know that most OW go into an affair voluntarily. No one MAKES them enter or stay in an affair. To say the MM 'wouldn't let me go' is hogwash IMHO. OW stay because of choices they make. They need to own that at the end; and they need to QUIT blaming the BS for going on with HER marriage. That is what is so frustrating here.

Of course no one is pointing a gun at OW in order to make her enter an A or tying her up and taking by force, but it is an oversimplification to sweep aside MM's role in keeping an OW in an A, or to say that she knew exactly what she was getting into and chose with full awareness.

 

And who's blaming BS for going on with her M? I don't recall ever seeing that on LS.

 

The OP is simply describing her pain and hurt and how the way things ended make her feel.

[Ellin]

This is kinda controversial dont'cha think? Isn't this the same gentleman that the OP is basically mourning? So now because he chose to stick to his M, he is a cheating weak POS? Whe just found this out or something...

 

Just wondering, would he be a "trustworthy healthier, bigger prize, if he would have left his W for SK?

 

Interesting altering.

 

What's wrong with KTD saying this to OP? She didin't say he's a cheating weak POS BECAUSE he chose to stick with his M. She said he is that because of the things he did - cheated throughout the M. She's only trying to help the OP, help her see that maybe he wasn't so special after all.

 

What makes you think she would have called him trustworthy, healthier, bigger prize, if he had left W for OP?

 

I really don't see where you get these things from.

[fooled once]

I would really like to understand your idea of helping someone who's going through emotional pain.

 

So you think MM might have put these pix up to have a poke at OW? This is obviously a speculation, and the worst case scenario. There could hardly be anything more hurtful to OP than this being the case. What is the point writing such things?

 

Of course no one is pointing a gun at OW in order to make her enter an A or tying her up and taking by force, but it is an oversimplification to sweep aside MM's role in keeping an OW in an A, or to say that she knew exactly what she was getting into and chose with full awareness.

 

And who's blaming BS for going on with her M? I don't recall ever seeing that on LS.

 

The OP is simply describing her pain and hurt and how the way things ended make her feel.

 

Elin, you really have no desire to know my feelings on anything so why do you ask questions you really don't want to hear an answer to?

 

You want to always - ALWAYS - give the MM the benefit of the doubt and tear down any reconciliation between the married parties. And that's your right - just as it is MY right to voice my thoughts. I don't have to agree with yours and you don't have to agree with mine. But the nit picking each time I post is getting tiresome. Can you just put me on ignore since you have such issues with what I write?

 

It is okay to assume the BS went onto the MM's facebook page and put the pictures up to poke at the OW, but goodness, it can't be that the MM put the pictures up to show how much he loves his wife? Or to show his wife how sorry he is for cheating? Why is the natural conclusion to jump to that the big mean old BS is doing all this? Why not - the MM is a sh*t who hurt the OW? Why is that not ever the conclusion? I mean, in this situation, this guy is a jerk and unfortunately, the OW fell for his lines and lies. That's the trouble with 'dating' a MM - can never tell if they are telling the truth.

 

Personally, when someone is hurting, I like to get to the bottom of it - to sort it out. Not just pat someone on the back and say "there there - it will be okay". how does that actually help someone? No need to answer because no matter what I write, you will find issue with it.

[steelknife]

i thank you for all your words, kind and unkind. i believe, people have different ways of dealing with lifes' issues. the difference in opinions and difference in coping, makes it hard, or easy for each one of us that has to go through pain and sufferign.. untimately, we all know that the end goal is TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE, IN ONE PIECE. AND A BETTER PERSON.

 

dday has shattered my life. i knew the end would come, i just didnt realized it would end this way, or that the pain is not worth all the sacrifice and happiness i so blindly attached myself to. right from the start, i knew what i was getting myself into, the love we had for each other at that time and through out the whole affair kept me, us , going. that time, it felt love, it was wrong. but it felt right. but truth be told, i was starting to get restless. i was starting to question myself each time he has to leave me after one hour, or when he can not be with me on times i really want to be together. or he keeps looking at his expensive watch that i gave him (hah!) because he just have to go home. many times in my life, i needed to do it myself because he cant be with me, ive moved houses to be near him and he couldnt even help me move my stuff, when i moved out, he couldnt be there. or when i had a car accident. he is always in the shadows. but not helping me or in the place where i need him to be. i was there for him, but he was never there for me. unless the need to be with me, suited him.

 

but it was like an addiction to me. despite all the lack of time and the situation i have to do to fit me in his life, i went on. i love him and i did everything for him, including ignoring my own feelings or discontentment. and i am sure, that is why i am very shattered when dday happened. i didnt think he could leave me just like this. but he did. its like "i thought you said you loved me? i thought you said you wont leave me?" well. where is he now?

 

at this very point, it is very important for me to know how much he loved me. come to thnk of it, it doesnt really matter but it does to me. ive lost so much respect to myself, to him that i need to be assured it wasnt all a lie. or should i just accept to myself that i was a fool for letting myself believe all that? but there is no point in that because clearly, he didnt want me in his life. he chose not to be with me. and i just have to come into terms with that.

 

**the pictures was posted in the bs profile and he was tagged so it showed in his profile. and he and i were friends. i deleted my account after seeing the pics and the captions which i felt was hitting me. when he rang me, he said he understood why i deleted my fb. and he said, he knew the bs was aiming at me. letting me know that not just someoen like me will break up their family. and he said, he cant do anything about it. i didnt comment on that.

 

from where i am standing now, it seems that he and the affair happened a long time ago. the pain and hurt is still here but he is nowhere to be found. there is nothing tangible i could hold on to, that i question even his feelings. the fact remains that the truth made everything else a lie. the truth that he didnt want to be with me.

 

and jsut for the record to make it clear. when he rang me more than a week after the dday.he told me he wanted to just disappear and not say goodbye or anything to me. but he said he felt he needed to call because he misses me so much (again. for him, his needs because it suits him,not mine) he didnt actually say goodbye or said he is sory for hurting me, for ending this way, for leaving me. he didnt say that. he just said this is something to had to stand up for. because he promised the bs he would stop communicating with me. and for the record, he told me his bs is treating him very well, making sure she is there for him all the time and has forgiven him and made sure he knows how much he is loved. to make sure the love he got from me, bs is givng it to him. and they will work on their marriage. and she is doing everything in her power to help him get over me and her kindness instead of anger, i guess. jsut made him more guilty and made him have a need to make up to her more.

 

at any rate, im not yet at peace. i still find myself crying at night before i sleep. or wake up in the middle of the night crying. at work, i just work. i do anything to avoid his thougts or whatever. i know i need to help myself no matter how shattered i was, somehow i have to start all over again somewhere. i still question all those things but i guess any answer wont matter anymore.. if he did love me, well and good. if he didnt, sorry for me then. surely there are a lot of lessons learned here. a lot. but for now, my focus is myself and my healing. one day at a time. i am very bitter. most of them, of my own doing. for believing an otherwise hard to be believe story.

 

i will get over this. time will help me. i am trying so hard. i want to crawl into a hole and not come out..

 

thank you all posters.

[steelknife]

somewhere in this thread someone posted that i was not dumped. i was set free. and the poster have a very definite point. i ws truly trapped, in a rut, in a cycle, in a ride that i get off and get back on again. it was hard because i was set free when i didnt want to but i needed to.

 

at whatever rate. i am on my own. and right from the start, xmm was never there for me. he was never realible to be there to help me. i just have to focus on me, me me, my feelings. and to go as far away as possible from them and his thoughts and not to allow him to invade in mine. to accept. that it is the end, and this is the way it is ending.

[FanFan]

surely there are a lot of lessons learned here. a lot.

 

The lesson is clear. Don't be a mistress.

[steelknife]

The lesson is clear. Don't be a mistress.

 

 

that is very very clear to me FanFan. as clear as.

[fooled once]

i thank you for all your words, kind and unkind. i believe, people have different ways of dealing with lifes' issues. the difference in opinions and difference in coping, makes it hard, or easy for each one of us that has to go through pain and sufferign.. untimately, we all know that the end goal is TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE, IN ONE PIECE. AND A BETTER PERSON.

 

i just didnt realized it would end this way, or that the pain is not worth all the sacrifice and happiness i so blindly attached myself to.

 

So, my question to you is, knowing how it would end and how it would hurt, would you do it again? If he called and wanted to start seeing you -- ON THE SIDE -- again, would you do it?

 

i was starting to question myself each time he has to leave me after one hour, or when he can not be with me on times i really want to be together. or he keeps looking at his expensive watch that i gave him (hah!) because he just have to go home. many times in my life, i needed to do it myself because he cant be with me, ive moved houses to be near him and he couldnt even help me move my stuff, when i moved out, he couldnt be there. or when i had a car accident. he is always in the shadows. but not helping me or in the place where i need him to be. i was there for him, but he was never there for me. unless the need to be with me, suited him.

 

Yep, all about HIM. This is what is so hard about affairs and it is what ultimately hurts so many OW (not the OW who are content with just being an OW, but the OW who feel and are told that they are the one he loves ). You have changed YOUR life - moving, waiting and wondering - for HIM and what has he done? He comes by, does his business and heads home to the wife.

 

i am very shattered when dday happened. i didnt think he could leave me just like this. but he did. its like "i thought you said you loved me? i thought you said you wont leave me?" well. where is he now?

 

He lied. Truth be told, he is doing what is easiest for him. Doesn't matter if he 'loves' you - - if that is love, why would you want it? It isn't love - it is selfishness and self-centeredness. LOVE isn't selfish. LOVE isn't about constantly wondering, constantly waiting. LOVE is kind. LOVE shouldn't hurt like this.

 

at this very point, it is very important for me to know how much he loved me. come to thnk of it, it doesnt really matter but it does to me. ive lost so much respect to myself, to him that i need to be assured it wasnt all a lie. or should i just accept to myself that i was a fool for letting myself believe all that? but there is no point in that because clearly, he didnt want me in his life. he chose not to be with me. and i just have to come into terms with that.

 

It isn't about you being a fool; it was about you being lied to and manipulated. Yes, it was wrong for you to get involved with him. But you can't undo that. All you can do is move forward, one baby step at a time. If you need to believe he loved you, believe it. But it isn't going to help you close this chapter of your life. It is going to keep you stuck in the affair.

 

**the pictures was posted in the bs profile and he was tagged so it showed in his profile. and he and i were friends. i deleted my account after seeing the pics and the captions which i felt was hitting me. when he rang me, he said he understood why i deleted my fb. and he said, he knew the bs was aiming at me. letting me know that not just someoen like me will break up their family. and he said, he cant do anything about it. i didnt comment on that.

 

Thank you for clarifying. He knew you would see it and yet he didn't delete it. He chose to make his wife happy. That should speak volumes to you.

and jsut for the record to make it clear. when he rang me more than a week after the dday.he told me he wanted to just disappear and not say goodbye or anything to me. but he said he felt he needed to call because he misses me so much (again. for him, his needs because it suits him,not mine) he didnt actually say goodbye or said he is sory for hurting me, for ending this way, for leaving me. he didnt say that. he just said this is something to had to stand up for.

So he didn't apologize for crushing you the way he did, he didn't apologize for using you, he didn't apologize for lying to you. Instead, he chose to tell you he decided he needed to stand up for his wife...he chose to make sure he keeps his wife happy (which is what reconciling couples do). But to tell you that? That is callous and uncalled for.

because he promised the bs he would stop communicating with me. and for the record, he told me his bs is treating him very well, making sure she is there for him all the time and has forgiven him and made sure he knows how much he is loved. to make sure the love he got from me, bs is givng it to him. and they will work on their marriage. and she is doing everything in her power to help him get over me and her kindness instead of anger, i guess. jsut made him more guilty and made him have a need to make up to her more.

 

Once again, he chose to tell you his wife is treating him well. Why? Why would he tell you that? To hurt you more?

 

Why aren't you ANGRY with him??

at any rate, im not yet at peace. i still find myself crying at night before i sleep. or wake up in the middle of the night crying. at work, i just work. i do anything to avoid his thougts or whatever. i know i need to help myself no matter how shattered i was, somehow i have to start all over again somewhere. i still question all those things but i guess any answer wont matter anymore.. if he did love me, well and good. if he didnt, sorry for me then. surely there are a lot of lessons learned here. a lot. but for now, my focus is myself and my healing. one day at a time. i am very bitter. most of them, of my own doing. for believing an otherwise hard to be believe story.

 

i will get over this. time will help me. i am trying so hard. i want to crawl into a hole and not come out..

 

thank you all posters.

 

Crawling into a hole isn't going to help you ((hug))

 

Are you seeing a counselor? I truly believe you need to. DO NOT let him take your LIFE from you??? Please - he isn't worth that!!! Today is the 1 year anniversary of a dear friend who died last year - she was a mother to 2, married for 10 years and a stepmom to 3. She was the kindest woman I have ever met. Her husband would gladly give up his life to have his wife back for their kids. PLEASE do NOT let this man - this a**hole take away YOUR desire for life. HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

[2themoon&back]

fooled once not to worry anger is coming.... give her time and i do not think she is giving the xMM her life---she did that once already, and now she is trying to get it back

My bet is she is just in the clutches of grief...and that will change her and her life IMHO

 

5 common stages of grief a person goes through when mourning the loss of a relationship.

 

You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. The five stages of grief are:

 

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

 

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

 

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

 

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

 

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you'll do that" stage.

 

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay I'll change".

 

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

 

You realize the situation isn't going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

 

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

 

Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

 

 

 

Nurture yourself. You need to care for your spiritual, emotional and physical health. No one else will do it but you. Take care of yourself as well as you take care of your child. Eat healthy, exercise and take vitamins. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to what has happen.

 

The information is free to reprint in any format provided the information at the bottom, including this, remains intact. Reprinted from Single Parent Central, http://www.singleparentcentral.com, which offers information and resources to single parent families.

 

© 2000 - 2002 SingleParentCentral.com

 

 

I hope this is helps steelknife

[steelknife]

i dont know how to process my feelings anymore. i am stuck at disbelief. of how this is happening to me. or how he can do this to me. ive been angry. now im not, i will not bargained because i hate him. i dont want him near me. i am depressed is more like it. confused state of mind. i am trying so hard to process all this emotions.

 

i thank you for all your help. do i really need to see a shrink?

[steelknife]

Crawling into a hole isn't going to help you ((hug))

 

Are you seeing a counselor? I truly believe you need to. DO NOT let him take your LIFE from you??? Please - he isn't worth that!!! Today is the 1 year anniversary of a dear friend who died last year - she was a mother to 2, married for 10 years and a stepmom to 3. She was the kindest woman I have ever met. Her husband would gladly give up his life to have his wife back for their kids. PLEASE do NOT let this man - this a**hole take away YOUR desire for life. HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

 

thank you 2themoon&back for the stages of grief. truth be said, i dont really know where i am at this point. i dont know.

 

to fooled once,

of all the things you said, this one stands out most; Why aren't you ANGRY with him??

 

ya. why? i was. i still am. i dont know.

all i know is that i realized how used i was. and i will never allow myself to go through this again. ive lost myself, my dignity, my self esteem. i believed. i love genuinely, i gave my best understanidng for his lack of time, i waited patiently for every little time he has for me. and then, he drops me. aint that simply great?? what a joke.

 

and maybe, i knew i was as much to blame. i was a willing partner in a game he knew to play so well. i didnt know what i was up against. my only mistake was falling in love and not leaving some for myself. and i am very surprised he left me hanging.

 

what a joke.

[spice4life]

i dont know how to process my feelings anymore. i am stuck at disbelief. of how this is happening to me. or how he can do this to me. ive been angry. now im not, i will not bargained because i hate him. i dont want him near me. i am depressed is more like it. confused state of mind. i am trying so hard to process all this emotions.

 

i thank you for all your help. do i really need to see a shrink?

 

Steelknife, the emotions you are feeling right now are very normal. When it comes to greiving the emotions go back and forth between all of the stages. In other, it doesn't go from one stage to the next in an organized fashion. It goes back and forth. It is acute right now because you are heart broken and its still very early in the process. In time, they will begin to calm down and not feel so strong.

 

My A along with others things going on in my life made me go into therapy. It helps. It helps a lot. It saved my life as a matter of fact. Therapy can help you sort this all out as well as help you to know that you are not going crazy and you will get through this.

 

You are doing the right thing by venting all of your feelings here as an outlet. Keep taking it one step at time and allow yourself to feel as these emotions come up. That will help you get through this sooner than if you didn't.

 

I know it hurts sooo much right now, but stay strong and stay focused on getting through this. Just remember you will get through this and one day it will be all behind you. You will come out of this with a much bettter understanding of who you are and what you really want in a relationship. I know its hard to believe right now but it will happen if you allow it to.

[Woman In Blue]

Just wondering, would he be a "trustworthy healthier, bigger prize, if he would have left his W for SK?

LOL...that thought always goes through MY mind when I read this same nonsense over and over here. A MM is God's gift to womenkind if he chooses to leave his wife/marriage/family to be with his OW. Why, he's almost a hero.

 

But if he behaves like the majority of them always DO when they're caught with their pants down - i.e., begging the wife for forgiveness and promising to dump his OW - then he's suddenly a spineless, cheating piece of crap and his wife deserves the little weasel.

 

Ain't it funny how a MM can go from a hero to zero in 4.5 seconds if he doesn't leave his wife?

[spice4life]

LOL...that thought always goes through MY mind when I read this same nonsense over and over here. A MM is God's gift to womenkind if he chooses to leave his wife/marriage/family to be with his OW. Why, he's almost a hero.

 

But if he behaves like the majority of them always DO when they're caught with their pants down - i.e., begging the wife for forgiveness and promising to dump his OW - then he's suddenly a spineless, cheating piece of crap and his wife deserves the little weasel.

 

Ain't it funny how a MM can go from a hero to zero in 4.5 seconds if he doesn't leave his wife?

 

This probably true in more cases than not, but I think it depends upon the individual circumstances. If the MM knowingly deceived the OW and gets caught then yes, he is a zero. I think it is perfectly fine for thw OW to vent about it if it helps her get past the pain. They need to in order to heal.

 

Yes, being involved in an A is a messy situation especially if there is a D-Day...no doubt. I've known many people who never thought they would end up in an A and they did. And when it ended they were devastated. They learned a hard lesson and came out of it a different person. And there were points during their healing where they said the MM was a POS. If it helps them heal and they are not out to hurt anyone, what's wrong with saying those thing? They need to think that way to get through it. Sure, it's not a perfect situation, but it happens and the person has to deal with the pain in the best way they can. In many cases, the OW gets thrown under the bus and they are left feeling devastated and angry. Angry at the MM and mostly angry at themselves for ending up in the situation to begin with.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is all part of the healing process. I think in many cases, where true love is involved, once the OW gets past the pain she feels sorry for the MM that he resorted to cheating instead of dealing with the issues of the M honestly.

[spice4life]

I suppose you sit on a higher plain that the rest of us mere mortals and you have never done anything that brought pain to yourself or anyone else? Oh and I suppose you'd like to argue that you would never be an OW, well that is all well and good but I'd rather be an xOW and have some compassion than someone who is cold enough to say the things you said instead of offering any helpful advice and to take your own frustrations out on someone else you don't even know.

 

I totally agree! Thanks for posting what I was thinking!

 

Allina, I would much rather be in steelknifes shoes than yours anyday. Your comments were harsh and unfeeling. Definitely not the type of person I would ever strive to be. You never know what curve balls life will throw at you. Compassion is a virtue - judgement is not.

Edited October 31, 2010 by spice4life

[2themoon&back]

You are an extremely unkind and unfeeling person, how dare you attack another person here? If you have nothing constructive to say, only nasty things, please keep them to yourself.

 

NO ONE ASKED YOU FOR YOUR OPINION, OR HOW TO "TELL IT AS YOU SEE IT" Frankly, I think that you are the pathetic one to lash out at Steelknife who is obviously in pain. Grow up.

 

I agree with you 100% and BB07---it is like they were a couple of posters that have been reading these post and struck at a time that would cause the most impact/damage on a person mourning a MM.....

 

WoW...no matter your opinion of OP, right or wrong...someone without any empathy and full of self righteousness by saying “they deserve any pain”...shows their own hand as a cold hearted and I am glad she posted here...that way I will recognize her on site and remember to disregard anything she ever has to post again unless a new thread is started in the rant and rage forum for nastiness.

 

allina, I would ask, what is your point is saying such ignorant things on a topic you obviously have no understanding of or helpful insight to?

 

I am hoping it was not just to get a reaction.