1 year later, right back where I started...

[beachbum84]

So same time last year we separated, did mc, reunited, separated again, reunited and have just muddled through since. A lot of bad circumstances have just toppled over like dominoes since the summer and I am just at the point I was last year if not further.

 

He isn't in school currently. Had to drop b/c he didn't get enough aide for school this semester. Last year he took 10 classes and failed 5 of them. He now works 2 jobs cooking to cover daycare (which student loans used to pay for). I still work full-time and DD is now 3.

 

Life with him is just horrible. He isn't home much, but when he is all we do is argue, fuss and fight. It got out of hand about a month ago and I threw a drink in his face which provoked him to just attack me. So I pushed him in the pool. I had bruises, his phone was ruined (in his pocket when he fell in the pool). People started asking questions. :-/ He doesn't help a lick around the house, he doesn't do crap as a parent with our DD. I'm so fed up with him and his web of lies and broken promises.

 

He never has any compliments for me, I asked to be taken out last Dec when he came home. I pleaded with him to show me attention, affection, and to take me out w/o DD. He did once in this whole stinkin year. He never calls me, emails me, or texts me. Nothing. He usually doesn't answer when I call. "I didn't hear my phone" or my personal favorite "Oh my phone never rang". His main communication is, Whats for dinner, where's my clothes, are you going to do this or that, when are you going to get around to doing this or that, or why isn't this or that done? I'm sick of being just his live in Nanny, housekeeper, accountant, cook, lawn service, alarm clock, and organizer. I feel like a single mom, yet oddly I'm married.

 

After yet another blow up Monday I have just pretty much ignored him. I have picked his SH up each day and placed in in a huge garbage bag which I placed near his nightstand. I've done the laundry minus his, they are in the garbage bag. When he is home and DD is in bed I just avoid him. If he follows me out to smoke I walk around to the front of the house. I'm so sick of him and his games. He won't leave, I've asked him several times over the past few months. I have no where to go to, so I guess for now I'm here, and just ignoring him the best I can. Which doesn't seem to bother him in the least. And I guess why should it. I do everything and then leave him alone. Probably the perfect world for him.

 

I can't believe after 5 years of marriage we'd be at this point. I never thought I could ever despise my husband the way I do. When I see him I fill up with rage and anger. I can be just calm, cool and collected, then he'll come home early from work and it just ruins my whole night. I don't know how to fix this, or even if I care to fix this. I feel so screwed up, as much as I cannot stand him, I still yearn for his attention, affection, and support. I guess since I've never gotten that I am just bitter now and miserable. I hate the idea of divorce, especially with a child involved. Yet I hate living like this. We are young, we could start over and salvage the rest of our lives. Or we could just keep heading down the road of self-destruction. Sorry for the vent. Just had to get it out.

[lapse]

beachbum, that sounds horrible. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

 

Question for you - is it the idea of divorce, in its abstract form (e.g., 'failure', broken vows, etc.), that bothers you? Or is it the reality of not being with him any more? It really sounds to me like your best option is divorce. But maybe there are positive aspects you're not mentioning here?

 

I ask because I have some similar feelings after cohabitating with someone for a few years... and I want to leave, but then can't stand it. I'm so attached. So for me it's not the idea of separating - I don't mind failing lol - it's the reality. I often feel like I don't like him at all, but I am hating the separating. I want it to work... but only if he's a better person than he currently is. Try having someone who sits in front of their computer playing video games every evening and then all day every weekend.

[beachbum84]

Yeah part of it, a large part of it, is admitting failure. I stood up in front of 100s of people proclaiming my love and adoration for this man 5 years ago. I vowed to be here no matter what. Easier said than done I suppose. Plus we have a 3 yr old. I would hate for her to be the kid shuffled around constantly between 2 homes. Then of course there is the financial part of it. Money has always been tight b/c he doesn't have a good job. We chose to take on bills that consume all our money. And foolishly a lot of those things are in my name. Wonderful. I'd hate to up root my DD, and move her back into a small apartment.

 

Lately I ask myself if I am only staying b/c I'm afraid I can't afford to live with DD w/o him. And I never can figure out a clear cut answer. I also feel, and have for many years, that I don't want to rush to divorce court and then find out years down the road that I was inpatient and missed out on something really great. But as time ticks by I really don't see anything that I'd be missing.

 

So many days a fresh start, a re-do on life sounds so enticing. I feel like I went down the wrong road, and have no idea where I'm going any more. Or where I'm at. I want to just turn around and take another road. But I don't remember that being in my vows. ;-)

[iheartboobs]

Well, if you want him to shape up you could try moving out of the house, tell him you want a break and move in with friends or family. I was an unappreciative, emotionally abusive husband until my wife left me, causing me to reflect on who and what I was... it was the change I needed to jump-start my self-improvement. Unfortunetly, it had the side effect of turning the ex from a wonderful woman into a complete bitch... so we're done... but don't let that happen to you and it might be the solution to your problems.

[beachbum84]

Well I could move out for a little while. But I don't want to rip my daughter out of her house. I don't want to be separated from her. Plus even if I were to leave for a little while. Who would take care of my DD? He'd run her to and from daycare, make her breakfast, dinner, bath her, play with her, and devote his weekends all day to her? Nope. So I'd be staying out of my house doing a lot of waking up extra early to haul back to be there for my dd.

 

He was out of our house last year for 3 weeks. He stayed with his parents, and 2 brothers. He refers to that time period over and over as a "vacation". So I don't think that was very beneficial.

 

I just feel stuck. I know what I want, and its clear 5 years later that he won't be giving that to me. But he hasn't cheated on me, and he isn't usually abusive. So I feel like I really don't have valid reasons to divorce him. Yet I also don't feel like I have valid reasons to stay with him. I'm so confused, lost, and frustrated by it all. I'm 26, but my marriage makes me feel like I'm in my 60s. Our marriage is: Loveless, sexless, has no excitement, no fun, & no communication. Our marriage feels like nothing more than that lifeless, dusty marriage certificate filled away out of sight in our office.

[iheartboobs]

Don't know what to tell you, other than to give you the perspective of a man who used and hurt the feelings of women he was suppose to care for because they did some arbitrary thing to annoy him (and because it was "fun" - yeah, I was a real A-hole).

 

There is a very big distinction in the mind of a controlling jerk between leaving someone and being left by someone. When I was married, there were a few times when she ticked me off about something (which was usually nothing) that I'd simply leave for days or weeks without telling her why, what I was doing, or where I was going. I was never worried because I was the one that left her, and, if I wanted to, I could go back at any time when I felt she had suffered enough for "wronging" me. I loved those times. I was powerful, I was in control, and I wasn't hurting or afraid at all because I knew it would be over whenever I was ready for it to be over.

 

But then she left me. Of course, I deserved it for being such a jerk for so many years, but it was completely different. I wasn't in control, I was powerless, I was hurt, I was embarassed, and most of all I was afraid because no matter what promises I made or how hard I begged she wasn't coming back until she was ready.

 

It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through and it changed me. I'm not the same man I was when she left, and when I think about the things I've done they disgust me. I don't know if it'll help you, your man might act nothing like I did, but I thought I'd give you a little insight into the mind of a man yours reminded me of. I hope it helps.

[beachbum84]

Yeah I can see what you are saying. Trust me, I'd love him to just watch me burn rubber and leave his ass in my dust, leave him wondering where I am and when or if I'll be coming back.

 

But... We have a child, and responsibilities. I can't just do that. It wouldn't be very responsible of me to to take off with daughter in tote to just teach him a lesson. Sadly if its gotten to that point that I have to walk away before he'll see what he's done wrong.. Well much like your W, I'll be long gone, and never coming home. Sorry, I don't mean it rudely. Just saying I don't really want to play that game with him. I feel like a prisoner. How many prisoners escape from jail and then willingly just come right back?

 

We've been through a separation, we did MC, our problems are the same now as they were then. Just intensified by bad circumstances this summer, and no effort to change said problems. I wish I knew when enough was enough. I wish I knew if there was something worth staying for. I wish I knew what to do.

 

I got a job offer back home in MI and let me tell you, it was all I could do not to just pack my jeep w/ dd and head home. But AL and MI are quite a long ways away. I don't want to make it near impossible for him to see her, if he decides to be a good dad one day. Plus once one does something like that, there is no turning back.

 

Is the unknowns that scare me. Whats best for my dd? Ugh...

[willowthewisp]

I have to say that although you are saying there has been NO improvement he has gotten two jobs since the issue was raised, is that correct? So you did MC, have you told him you are still unhappy and would like to do MC again and that if there are is no permanant resolution that you are both happy with this time, then you are done?

[beachbum84]

I have to say that although you are saying there has been NO improvement he has gotten two jobs since the issue was raised, is that correct? So you did MC, have you told him you are still unhappy and would like to do MC again and that if there are is no permanant resolution that you are both happy with this time, then you are done?

 

 

Yes, he has gotten 2 dead end, low paying jobs. But let me explain why he needs these jobs. He did 3 years of college prior to me meeting him. He told me while dating he was going back to Tuscaloosa to finish his degree, it would only be 1 year and he'd be done. So we said I do and moved. He couldn't get back in b/c of his poor grades. So 1 yr later we moved back to Mobile. He enrolled in at a local University where he has pissed around and not made grades ever since. He's been in school 3.5 years of our 5 years married. Thats a total of 6.5 years for a 4 year degree, which if he never failed another class, it would take another 1.5 of college to achieve said degree.

 

This summer we had a rental house opportunity fall in our lap, it would raise our rent significantly, but he convinced me that he was getting x amount of student loan money back as a refund this fall so we could use the overage to pay up daycare until spring refund (like we normaly do) and that we could pay off his car note (which would be equivilent to the rent increase), so we moved. Then I got in a car wreck and my car got totaled.

 

Fast forward. He received several emails from school during the summer that his financial aide was going to be less this year b/c he has reached his limit of funding. He never checked those emails. 3 days prior to the semester starting he tells me there isn't enough funds for him to go to school. Let alone pay off the car and daycare. Hmmm... So he dropped out this semester. Now how are we supposed to pay bills???

 

So he went and got a 2nd cook job to compensate the daycare bill. I used the left over money from the car pay-off to pay off his car note. And now we just barely skimp by.

 

I see him as an underachiever, unsucessful embarrassment. He only puts forth 60% effort in everthing he does. He gives nothing his all. In 5 years I would have thought he'd been out of school and in a good job. Or realized school isn't for him and looked for a decent job. But nope. He's perfectly content with living paycheck to paycheck making crap money.

 

I'm tired of it. He's going nowhere. I'm going nowhere b/c of he is constantly making me stop to let him catch up. Every semester he says he'll do better, every semester he fails at least 1 class. And many semesters he's failed 3 or all of them.

 

He's never here, and when he is its poor him, he has to work 2 jobs, he's so tired, his life sucks, everyone is against him, poor pitiful him. I could care less. His poor decisions bred this situation for him. But DD and I get to pay for his mistakes right along with him. I've never lived this poor in my entire life. And after 5 years it has taken its toll on me. I'm tired of constantly going without, and constantly running ragad to make ends meet. He only cares about himself, and pretty soon I'm afraid he's going to find himself, by himself.

[beachbum84]

Oh and yeah we did 8 weeks of mc last year. In which he was late a lot, and stood me up once, b/c he forgot. :-/ It seemed to be working, until he started realizing that there was a lot of talk about him growing up, accepting responsibility, being my equal in life, and being more a part of this family. Once all that started to come out, he stopped being receptive to it and I realized it was just a waste of my time. I forfeited 4 lunches a week to meet twice a week with him. And when it came right to it, I was losing my lunches to wait on him to see if he'd show up, and then see if he'd "feel" like talking. I had better things to do on my lunch hours than play stupid games with him.

 

He knows whats wrong. He knows what I expect. He knows why I'm unhappy. He obviously doesn't care. He's put it off and promised this and promised that. But nothing ever comes about from all this promising. I built my life around his worthless promises. And now I am stuck in AL miserable, desperately wanting to go back to MI and start over. But with DD I just can't. It wouldn't be fair to her.

 

I thought the separation last year would have been a wake up call to him. I thought once he took on yet another dead end worthless no respect job that he'd hit rock bottom. But nope. He doesn't seem to have any shame, nor does he seem to have any ambition to do anything productive and/or respectable with his life.

[beachbum84]

So what do you do when your brain says its over, your heart says stick around a little longer? I don't see him ever changing, I don't see myself ever accepting less. So we are at odds.

 

After not talking this week, last night he initiated a convo. Again he spent much of the time promising me the world, explaining to me how I set him up to fail, how its never his fault for all his failures, its circumstances, or people, or how he was raised. Its also my dad's fault for having a good job and providing me a lifestyle he'll never be able to match.

 

I gathered from it that we are going to co-habitat (sp?). We have just a month to month lease where we are now. Neither one of us could afford to live here solely. Neither one of us want to be the one to make the first move to move out or file. Yet our marriage has just crumbled and neither one of us seems to have a large enough bottle of glue nor the memory of where all the pieces go.

 

I know this is screwed up. The tension is so thick a knife wouldn't even cut through it. He stayed on the couch last night, which was fine by me. I just am not sure where to go from here. If I file first then I become that woman that is so hated here the "I am not IN love with you anymore". I'd immediately get that label from everyone and no one would understand that I tried to tell him for years that all his neglect and failure was pushing me away.

 

Does co-habitating ever spur on a reconciliation? We aren't talking again now. Feels weird to just silently walk through our house getting ready, having him just walk around like a zombie. Isn't there more to life than this? How do you get someone's attention? I feel like I've been setting off warning flares and that has done nothing. Is it finally at the point where there is nothing left to stay for? Is a loveless, sexless, emotionless, uncommunicative marriage a valid reason for a D? Or am I just being selfish?

 

ahhhhh..... SO confused, so lost. I don't want to waste my life with someone who isn't right for me like my mom and then have them up and leave 33 years later. I don't want to repeat mistakes of others, yet I don't want to be so adamant about not repeating that I jump the gun on situations.

[Owl]

I'm not sure I understand what the change is going to be.

 

What's the real, actual difference between "co-habitating" and what you're doing every day right now?

 

You've lost so much respect for him that you've got no actual expectations of him to truly meet any of your needs at this point...

 

What's going to change by calling it a "co-habitation" rather than a marriage? You're already pretty much just roomates...hostile ones for the most part, at that.

 

If you want change...make change. Is it worse for your daughter to live between two homes (maybe) than for her to live with parent's in the state that the two of you are in today? If you want to teach her how to live, how to love...you need to show her.

 

Personally, if things are that bad...investigate the divorce laws in your state. See if you can file for seperation and make him move out. Or explore other options on where you can live with your daughter.

 

You're emotionally checked out of this marriage. I've got no issue with that. I'm just suggesting that if you want the situation to change...you're going to have to make the changes yourself.

[beachbum84]

What's the real, actual difference between "co-habitating" and what you're doing every day right now?

 

Okay so after reading that I see what you are saying. I guess I used the wrong word. And I'm not really sure what word would fit best. I guess we are going to reside together, but have L.C. Which where we were co-habitating before, we would speak casually at best when/if he was home, and I took care of him and his stuff.

 

But now we are just going to do our own thing (monogamously), live under the same roof, and any communication would pertain to DD only. As I am typing this I realize how delusional this sounds and is. I guess last night when it was suggested I thought that maybe it'd be like a shock to his system to not have me calling him, doing things for him, and seeming like I just don't care anymore. Since this week when I went LC on him he couldn't take and then last night he wanted to talk. Which ultimately turned into his blame game on me. And then I was sorry I broke my LC to talk with him.

 

The advice from others for me to move out seems so tempting. Like maybe if he just experienced what life on his own, not at his parents with his 2 brothers enabling him and throwing him pity parties, would be like. I don't know why, but I just can't find the strength to file papers. Its like I just have to hear from him that he's done with me, doesn't plan to be here for me, and that I've stayed in neutral for no reason whatsoever. I just want to know concretely either way what is going to happen. Is he going to have an epiphany and realize that he's letting his wife and family structure slip through his hands and prevent that and become the husband and father he should and can be.

 

Now I feel like I need to crap or get off the pot. Was it this hard for others to decide to file? I feel so scared to file and then what? So he'd be gone, I'm still alone, and then hope there might be someone out there who would have a shred of interest in me.?. I guess I just really hoped and thought he'd hear-see-sense how miserable and hurt I was, and that it would actually make him feel remorse and want to treat me better. But I guess I truly am nothing to him.

 

Sorry for the rambling and the back and forth.

[blizzard]

I really feel for you ((hugs)). I too emotionally checked out of my marriage long ago for so many reasons...but let me share my experience of "seperation under the same roof" to give you some insight.

 

It's hell for me. But we do what we have to do for our kids right? At the onset of our seperation he moved in with his mom whom lives next door to us in our subdivision. He spent more time at the doorstep wanting in to see our kids. Next he opted to hang out at the house and tuck the kids in...then go next door to sleep. Well, this didn't last. He became tied up in his hobbies, the computer and etc until midnight. Finally, he demanded himself back in with the understanding that he take the guest room on the other side of our home. And here we are...that was nearly two years ago.

 

This is how we operate. He mows the lawn once in a blue moon. He does his own laundry and cleans his own bathroom (grr. well I tell him it needs it). He does help our young kid with her homework. And takes her to soccer twice a week. He bathes the kids occasionally. We both do tuck ins. Then, he turns in for the night.

I clean the remainder of the house. I do the dishes 90% of the time. I cook. I take care of kids appts or school activities and see that they get to point A and B. I do the remainder of the yardwork...which is tough. Any household improvement I do. I do the kids laundry and my own.

 

We do not talk about us. Which is sad. Truly sad. All conversations are kid directed. We fight...but it is only about the differences we share in raising our kids. I take the kids places w/o him. Once in awhile we will go somewhere as a family because the kids beg us to. We do not watch TV together. I go to my room as soon as the kids are tucked in for the night. I bathe with the door closed. I don't expose myself in front of him...at least not intentionally. There have been those slip ups. Sex. Is nonexistant. Because I say so. I don't want to confuse the situation any more than it is. He tries to be intimate with me. Alot. And sometimes he can be forceful...I won't sugarcoat it. But with IC I am becoming stronger and taking a stand for myself. He used to tell me it is my wifely obligation.

I do not date. I had an affair 6mos into our seperation and agreement to divorce. He screamed adultery and threatened to hurt me with custody rights. It scared me. The affair had to end. And honestly, I shouldn't have done it. In hindsight it was wrong. It was during that time that I went through the worst hell with my husband. Truly hell.

 

The kids. They are 3 and 5. They didn't get it at first. Questions like "why doesn't daddy sleep with you anymore" "why is that daddy's bathroom and not yours" and "why does gma and gpa sleep together and you daddy don't" "why don't we do things together....I want daddy to go...why can't he go"

So many questions and feelings surfacing from them.

 

Why am I still here? Kids and finances. But I know after the holidays...maybe before the summer our lives are going to change. It's fear...of the unknown. And manipulation. I have had ingrained in my head how I am going to devast the lives of our kids. And I don't want to hurt them for the world...but I just don't feel love for their daddy. It's hard to divide a family...to end the only life they know. But I know I can't continue to show them a loveless and nonaffectionate marriage...that is not what I want them to become or settle with. IC counseling is helping me to learn to let go. It's easier today than it was 2yrs ago...

 

But basically, I live the life of a single mom...with him under the same roof. As you can see it isn't easy.

Edited October 22, 2010 by blizzard

[blizzard]

I forgot to mention...

I have your same fears about finding another. Sometimes I want it...just human nature I suppose to want companionship and someone to love you. But enduring this seperation and a pending divorce...I am finding out so much about myself. I am taking this time for me. Making me happy. Meeting new friends. Fulfilling me by doing things that he denied me of doing in our marriage. And it keeps you BUSY! Someone great is out there...but I have made a pact with myself...that I am going to know myself even better than before. And I am going to take my time in doing it. No desperation. Just contentment.

[beachbum84]

wow and omg!

 

that was a look into a despressing future. No offense of course. I guess I'm still processing what you said. Much as you who is living that reality, I really don't want that. Gosh.

 

Hey did you ever try that 180 thing? I've been thinking about that a lot this week. I've tried implementing parts of it, and then ignoring the parts I don't like. LOL. I'm not sure if it'd be effective that way. But whatever.

 

 

I ask b/c he NEVER, and I mean NEVER calls me. If you look at the call logs, I have a bunch of his #s show up, but they are nearly all placed from me to him. But this week, I just stopped calling him. Monday, went unnoticed. Tues, he got annoyed and it spurred an argument which I just walked away from. Wed nothing either way. Yesterday he called me 3 times at work. I answered none of them. Listened to his vm's and decided he wasn't needing me to call him back, he was just calling to confirm details we had already confirmed several times this week. Kinda like no reason at all to call me. Hmm... Then this morning we got ready w/o but a few words. Again this afternoon he calls me in between jobs. I was still at work so I just let it hit vm. Again it was over nothing important. He was calling to let me know he decided to do a load of dishes.

 

So I'm wondering if maybe this ignoring him, business might just be working. It is odd how he never calls me, but now he's calling me and about nonsense. And wow holy crap he did a load of dishes. Thats the first thing he's done in weeks around the house. Although I'm pleasantly shocked, I'm not about to praise him for it. For it was just 1 load of dishes in weeks.

 

Tomorrow should be interesting. We are carving pumpkins with the DD. Could be fun or awkward. We'll see. He plans on going to his parents in the evening w/DD like normal to watch the Bama game. He's assuming I'm going too. But I think I may just pass and see where my cousin is watching it, and join him.

 

Maybe I just need to be here less for him, and spend less if any of my spare time with him. He's so used to me doing everything and going everywhere with him, that I think it would have to be a rude awakening to him if it just halted, and remained halted for a while.

 

I always wanted to try this 180 thing since last year, but I was so fearful that it was like playing with fire. But I guess where we are now, not much else could go wrong or be worse. So make it or break it time I suppose.

[blizzard]

I'm sorry to be so depressing...I just wanted to give you a glimpse inside of what it is like to still live in a marriage (if that's what you call it) that has fallen apart. If you decide to seperate, and you have the ability to actually split, I would reccomend it.

 

I haven't tried the 180. Over time I guess our marriage has taken bits and pieces of 180 out of just being distant with each other. We have gradually gotten to the point where we do not text or talk on the phone. Unless it is about the kids or something we need. And yes, he does at times do the dishes or offers to do them. But there is so much more wrong in our marriage than housework. When we first discussed seperating and were going to MC he bought me flowers twice a week and cleaned like a madman...he said he could flip like a lightswitch and do the things I wanted him to do and be the husband I needed him to be. Just like that. After 8yrs. He made it seem like change was a piece of cake.

This pushed me further away. It hurt. And it hurt to see him still NOT hearing me. I got evern angrier. I didn't care about the freaking housework...or flowers.

 

Maybe backing off will help your relationship. If you feel like your marriage is dissolving due to you "being his mom" and doing so many things for him then by all means you HAVE to let him step up to the plate. What you really need to decide is if you still love him...that's the hardest decision to make. ((hugs)) If you do, exhaust all avenues to save your marriage.

[beachbum84]

Of course I still love him. But I question more and more each day if I am just loving the memory of him, or when I was madly in love with him. I long for those days and feelings back. The times in our life where I was his # 1 priority, he took me out, was proud of me, made me feel beautiful, shared life's responsibilities, shared his thoughts and listened to mine. Back when we traveled down the same road side by side.

 

But for many years, he hasn't taken me out, hasn't made me a priority, doesn't share in our responsibilities, just flat out expects me to take care of our dd, house, finances, and life, on my own. I get nothing in return. No emotional support, no intamacy, no regard to my feelings, thoughts, or aspirations. I just feel like I am nothing more than, like you said, his mom. I'm too young to be hidden away and ignored. And for what reason? Never have figured it out. Once thought it was due to my weight I gained during pregnancy, but I lost that a long time ago. I just don't get it. I wouldn't mind doing most everything on my own for us, if there was significant amounts of intimacy and emotional connection. Its like I lost my husband and best friend years ago when life hit us. We were fine until we discovered I was pregnant. We were forced to grow up and change our lifestyle, as most do, and sadly he just refused. So I had to grow up quickly alone, and tackle parenthood by myself for the most part. Its been a long lonely, busy, exhausting, frustrating world ever since. I love my dd and would never change a thing about how and when she came. I just wish that he'd see that we aren't 18 anymore. We are nearly 30 with a child.

[tobydog]

Hi Well I don't know how you have gotten through this and I admire you. I couldn't have done it! At least mine has gone and that is some form of closure. I dunno about the laws in your country but I think you need to get him out. I think there must be things that can facilitate that. I feel your pain and hope that you can take some steps to sort out this situation. It is not healthy for the kids. At least as mine has gone there are no more rows. Take care Debbie Leeds UK x

[beachbum84]

So not sure how long this will last. Trying to stay positive. Am enjoying the change, but yet still feel weary to be 100% vulnerable at the moment.

 

Saturday

His brother came over and we all carved pumpkins, I fed DD & put her down for nap. Then asked BIL to let me out of the driveway. Instantly H wants to know where I'm going. I say "just out, I'll be back later". What are you doing? "Stuff. Sorry I gotta go." And then just left. He looked like deer in headlights, like totally shocked I was leaving and he had no clue where.

 

Now I only went over to my dad's house to rotate a couple of tires on my Jeep. I had gotten a flat earlier that week, and put my spare on. My dad's gonna plug it for me when he gets back from vaca, but told me to put my spare up front for time being, b/c its a slightly different size.

 

So anywho.. I headed there and swapped them around. I came home afterwards. BIL still at home, DD still napping, H very quiet, and awkward. His brother asked him what time he was going to the their parent's house for the game. H looks at me and asks me.

 

me: I dunno, when are you going over there?

him: So you aren't going?

me: Nope, don't feel like it.

him: Okay well we can stay here.

me: Thats cool, I'll just go out with Chris and get some drinks while we watch the game then. (he's my cousin)

him:(shouts) So you don't want to be around me then??

 

Then it all got weird cuz his brother was there. So I just walked away and laid down for a bit of a nap. Got up and H was just watching football. Without a word, I just left and went for a walk. Got dinner made and asked him when he was leaving. And you know what, he just broke down. I'm sorry for this and for that, please don't go out tonight, we can go to my parents if you need space. I'm sorry. Over and over. Cried some and swore to be a different man. Swore I'd see it. Hmmm... Wasn't sure what to do with all of that.

 

He stayed home, it was quite weird. He was all of a sudden very affectionate. Felt nice, yet weird, just unsure I guess. DD goes to bed and we finish watching the game. Then he suggests taking me out the next night. What? He hadn't taken me out since Feb. I didn't even ask. I haven't really spoken to him all week. Where did this come from?

 

We go to bed, he left the tv off and just held me till I fell asleep. Woke up Sunday he was in a good mood, followed me around the house all morning complimenting me, giving me little love taps, and hugs. So out of the norm that our 3 year old said, "Daddy you really love mommy today, don't you". Then at DD's nap time he tells me his parents are going to watch her so we can do dinner and a movie.

 

Our date was wonderful, we had a lot of fun. Had good conversations. It was so great to be out of the house, and to be doted on. He's been so great since he broke down Saturday. He's still going strong today too, called me this afternoon to say hi, and asked if he could do something around the house to help me out in between his jobs today.

 

So here's my ? after this long novel of an update. Has anyone experienced a bad situation, and then their spouse like snapping out of it and all of a sudden being like the ideal spouse again? If so, did it last, was it a permanent thing? Or was it a temporary thing to just sorta pacify the situation? I hate to finally get what I wanted for so long and then wonder like this. But I'm just not sure if I'm setting myself up to get squashed, or if I was lucky and got my wish answered.

 

I know we have a long way to go, and lot of pain and problems to overcome. But having his attention back is huge. It makes me think we can overcome the hurt and issues we have. I wonder if he maybe came on here and read my posts. It's so weird how me leaving for a few hours unannounced jilted him so much. For whatever the reasons are or were that brought on this huge change in him, I am enjoying it. And each day I am letting go more and more. I am hoping for the best here.

[Gunny376]

Women are typically 10+ years more emotionally more mature than men.

 

Your dealing with an immature 'boy-child' who is 10 years emotionally immature than you are.

 

He has no clue!

 

He has no conception as to who you are and what your about? What your priorties are?

 

You've two choices?

 

Educate hin or leave him?

 

Or as my XHEX put it?

 

"I'm going to divorce you to change you!"

 

BROTHER! DID SHE EVER PUT THE "CHANGE" ON ME!"

[blizzard]

PP is right about husband "growing up." That is one way I view my husband.

 

I would say yes. It waxed and waned. The true test is when the dust settles.

 

btw- let your husband take care of your tires next time instead of your dad...hence "growing up" and taking care of his family responsibilities.

I know this. My husband allows my father to do absolutely everything...it's absurd.

[iheartboobs]

Told ya you needed to leave him for once (even if it was just for a few hours).

 

For the first time, in probably a very long time, he's not in control anymore and he's scared... that's good. The problem is that eventually he'll feel more and more in control and slide back into old habits... that's bad. What you have to do as soon as you see that start to happen is take off again. Go to your parent's place, or to stay with a friend. It doesn't matter where you go, just take your child and go. Call your husband or leave a note telling him what you've done (but not where you've gone) and make it clear that you need some space to think about things, but you'll be happy to set aside any time for him to see or spend time with his child (don't use your kid as a bargaining chip). When you do see him, be friendly, but no touching, no crying, no talking about the two of you (be strong, it'll pay off). After about a week, let him know that you'd be willing to discuss the future of your relationship. Sit him down and talk about everything he does that bothers you, if you want counseling, demand it, but don't let him off the hook for anything. Tell him very simply that you're unhappy being his wife and you're not going to take him treating you like he does... if he can and wants to change, good, but if he can't or won't then it's over.

 

Your husband reminds me of a slightly younger me, and if my ex wife had done this to me instead of just taking it quietly and hoping for the best until she couldn't take it anymore, I'm positive I'd have become a better man sooner and would still be happily married. But please, if you're going to do this, stick with it... don't send mixed signals while you're gone (like staying away, but calling every night to tell him you miss him) and don't let him slide. When he does something that hurts you, you have to sit him down and let him know what he did and that it's unacceptable... men aren't like women, we don't pick up your subtle hints and changes in mood, when we do something wrong you've pretty much got to hit us on the head with a newspaper and rub our nose in it.

 

Hope it helps, my earlier advice of "leave him so he knows how it feels" seems to have worked wonders.

[beachbum84]

PP is right about husband "growing up." That is one way I view my husband.

 

I would say yes. It waxed and waned. The true test is when the dust settles.

 

btw- let your husband take care of your tires next time instead of your dad...hence "growing up" and taking care of his family responsibilities.

I know this. My husband allows my father to do absolutely everything...it's absurd.

 

 

Yeah I know about the growing up part. Just wish it'd happen already. Its tough to either slow down to stroll at his pace while it feels life is passing us by, or going at my pace and having to to constantly pull off to the side to wait for him to catch up. Meanwhile life is passing us by again. I long for the day that we can go side by side at the same pace, and experience life for all its worth.

 

So about the dad thing. Yeah that's an issue all in itself. My dad is really good at cars, and my husband thinks he is b/c my dad got him a mechanics tool set for Christmas once. ;-) I'm a daddy's girl, so my H is always feeling like he has to compete with my dad over stuff, so when it comes to cars, he screws things up b/c he doesn't want to admit he's over his head, just figures he'll push through. But usually ends up making things worse. Thus whenever I have a car issue I usually consult my dad, and either do it myself, or have him help me. Sometimes H goes over and helps my dad, but he usually doesn't like doing that. Oh well.

 

Who works on my car doesn't really bother me at the end of the day. B/c my dad likes to be "needed" by me still. So it works out. I'd rather my H be more focused on the things in our relationship that I can't fulfill myself, and/or cannot go out and get others to handle. ;-)

[beachbum84]

Told ya you needed to leave him for once (even if it was just for a few hours).

 

For the first time, in probably a very long time, he's not in control anymore and he's scared... that's good. The problem is that eventually he'll feel more and more in control and slide back into old habits... that's bad. What you have to do as soon as you see that start to happen is take off again. Go to your parent's place, or to stay with a friend. It doesn't matter where you go, just take your child and go. Call your husband or leave a note telling him what you've done (but not where you've gone) and make it clear that you need some space to think about things, but you'll be happy to set aside any time for him to see or spend time with his child (don't use your kid as a bargaining chip). When you do see him, be friendly, but no touching, no crying, no talking about the two of you (be strong, it'll pay off). After about a week, let him know that you'd be willing to discuss the future of your relationship. Sit him down and talk about everything he does that bothers you, if you want counseling, demand it, but don't let him off the hook for anything. Tell him very simply that you're unhappy being his wife and you're not going to take him treating you like he does... if he can and wants to change, good, but if he can't or won't then it's over.

 

Your husband reminds me of a slightly younger me, and if my ex wife had done this to me instead of just taking it quietly and hoping for the best until she couldn't take it anymore, I'm positive I'd have become a better man sooner and would still be happily married. But please, if you're going to do this, stick with it... don't send mixed signals while you're gone (like staying away, but calling every night to tell him you miss him) and don't let him slide. When he does something that hurts you, you have to sit him down and let him know what he did and that it's unacceptable... men aren't like women, we don't pick up your subtle hints and changes in mood, when we do something wrong you've pretty much got to hit us on the head with a newspaper and rub our nose in it.

 

Hope it helps, my earlier advice of "leave him so he knows how it feels" seems to have worked wonders.

 

Yeah your advice did work. I guess I misunderstood your message at first. I thought you were advocating leaving for like a week or more. And that's why I kept saying I couldn't. Who knew just leaving for a few hours at a time a few times over the weekend would make him freak like that. He didn't freak in a controlling way like where the F have you been. But freak in an emotional breakdown like, why don't you want to be home, you're acting so different, the heck is going on.

 

Yeah I agree totally about not using our child as a pawn. I hate when others do that. Thankfully we've always been good about sharing her without a tug-of-war. Speaking of DD, she had some 1 on 1 time with her Grandpa (my dad) the other day and was just telling him a bunch of stuff apparently. B/c when he came home with her he wanted me to know she was telling him that her daddy "says bad words to mommy. Like he yells at her and tells her to shut up". So then I got to have a wonderful convo with my dad about this junk. Kinda felt good to air it, but I hate telling him stuff about our relationship b/c he tends to get really annoyed with my H, which doesn't help during times like these.

 

But we are muddling our way through this mess still. We experienced a few downs yesterday but for the first time in a loooong time we worked through them before they turned to WWIII. So that was nice, life won't ever be perfect, I get that. It was nice to see us work through the imperfections without tearing each other down first. So it still seems to be going pretty good. :-)